Chapter 112: Yearning to be a Hero
Yes, it was a very simple order.
To avoid putting the organization at risk because of one person’s feelings. Of course, Matia disapproved of those whose emotions were like fire. She wanted to avoid risking her entire foundation. I agreed with her to some extent.
Saint Matia said she wouldn’t allow anyone to be reckless during the negotiations with Belfein.
Ah, anyone, including the reckless me. Nevertheless, I knew I was an idiot who acted without much thinking. I only brought trouble to the people around me.
That was why…If I wanted to take some action, I had to do it on my own.
The darkness of the night filled the whole area and put the Earth to sleep. I gazed at the road ahead while moving my eyes. I put a piece of the chewing tobacco in my mouth and felt a pleasant scent passing through my nostrils. My horse’s hooves hit the cobblestone road in direction to the main gate of Garoua Maria.
There was no one around. Literally no one. When I thought deeply about it, I realized there had been a lot of noise around me lately. That would have been unthinkable in the past.
The strange tranquility of the night made my heart cool and calmed me down.
How nostalgic. How could I even remember this strange nostalgia? Yes, I was the only person who was “stuck” behind. A person who never reached the frontlines. I could not walk side by side with someone at all.
But, what about now? I had Caria, Filaret and Eldith walking side by side with me. This distorted situation was the existence I once envied and hated of the hero who walked side by side with them.
In addition, I did not forget the treatment I once received. They were my enemies. Yes, my natural enemies.
They trampled on me. They destroyed my dignity. I felt totally abandoned and neglected. Then, I felt hatred. My chest clearly remembered the hatred that ignited toward those heroes.
Ah, but now, I felt joy in this tiny heart. I felt fulfillment that burst my insides. A feeling of irresistible pleasure that made my skin itch.
The fact that someone recognized me as the hero I was envious before. Even tears overflowed at the edge of my eyes.
However, at the same time, I felt a trembling sensation in the depths of my heart.
The true nature of this tremor was my twisted self-esteem, which made me feel excited because of those who once despised me, recognized me now. In the end, I felt scared. I did not know what to do about my emotions. I was afraid that nothing would ever change in my life.
Yes, I wanted to change everything about my past. Some things did change, which made me feel happy but wary at the same time. However, my insides, what I truly felt about myself never really changed. I did remember the time when I used to guard the surroundings alone. That time took me away from reality as I comforted myself with the chewing tobacco. I would just sit there in the lookout and reminisce about what I wanted but did not have. Yes, day by day.
I knew that those people would eventually abandon me. Despised and banished by the people who now approved of my self-being.
I knew that very well. Even coming to the past was a big risk. I came here to search for a little bit of wisdom, and to gain a new purpose in life. I knew a little bit about the future, and it worked just fine. At least, until now.
However, I had to change in order to avoid the cycle of hatred.
Lagias, the old King of the Elves told me. “You have to trample on my own corpse and use it as a stepping-stone in order to move forward.” I had to overcome my own obstacles in order to be responsible for my own choices. Only then, I could walk through the right path.
Those were big words, and kept piercing through my heart every single day since then. A blood of impatience that filled my wound and created great confusion in my chest.
I was an unmistakable insignificant person. I knew it too well, and I swallowed that fact many times over.
However, I still wanted to do something. Yes, something relevant with my own life. I wanted to reach the heroes’ necks. I wanted to be seen as someone worthy. Yes, as someone who ignited “fire” in people’s hearts like true heroes.
In order to be in par with them…I had to become a hero myself.
Ah, what a faint dream. I felt ashamed of myself that I even strengthened my cheeks.
A hero, huh. A person like me. If I wanted to reach that faint dream, I would have to walk a thorny path. Yes, a path that would make my body full of scratches. I would have to shed blood and do what I could to deserve that almighty title. That is, if the average person like me even tried to reach the feet of heroes.
I sighed as I bit the chewing tobacco with my teeth. My breath was white because of the cold night.
If I wanted to reach the feet of heroes, then I mustn’t remain within the walls of Garoua Maria.
There was Caria, who had become a hero with the sword. There was Filaret who had become a hero by magic. Then, there was Matia, the hero of the Heraldic Order.
Who was I? I was sure that Garoua Maria wouldn’t fall so easily. But, if I didn’t do anything at all, then I wouldn’t be able to move forward. I didn’t want to follow the path of my past life anymore.
Indeed. If I stayed quietly in Garoua Maria, then they would do everything and take credit themselves. I was sure of it. Those heroes would be the ones to achieve glory and status.
They were the heart behind the success of both Garoua Maria and the Hanging Gardens of Ghazalia. All I did was pull some strings, nothing else. Ah, what a disgusting feeling.
If that was the case, then I could not stay in Garoua Maria. I had to prove myself. To prove my worthiness, and in order to do that, I had to pursue my own path. Even if I was alone, I was a person capable of doing some things. However, I had to ask this pertinent question to myself. If I wasn’t a hero, then how could I become one?
Belfein, the mercenary city. I thought this could be a good opportunity to prove myself.
They were definitely underestimating us. They were looking down on us. That was why they approached us with an alliance plan. A plan to lure us in and cut our necks.
Of course, they were not stupid. They probably understood that it was not easy to form an alliance from day to night.
However, I knew that Belfein was trying to have the upper hand over Garoua Maria.
The idea was probably to make internal disagreements, incite them, and eventually break them down. It seemed that they were plotting to devour the giant elephant named Garoua Maria from within.
It was precisely why Matia instructed Ann to take care of internal adjustments. Matia clearly understood the enemy’s intentions.
What Belfein was most confident about was their armed forces. They knew that nobody would mess up with them out of the blue. That’s the reason why they were slowly trying to strangle our necks, because they felt they had power to do so. But, for me, even though they had the power to fight, they ended up choosing a disgusting way to fight.
A cold breath went through my throat. This icy cold cooled down my hot body. I kept thinking while approaching the end of the road with my horse.
I recalled my past life, and…was “that” man the leader of Belfein? He was a fat man who looked down on people. I knew it well. True, I knew a lot about the city and that vicious man.
That was why this was such a good opportunity for me.
I was no one and I had no hero power in me. But, I had no choice but to do it on my own.
I bit my lips while rolling my eyes in the darkness. No problem. I was used to doing things by myself anyways. Rather, it seemed too abnormal to have much power around me until now.
I made up my mind. But, I felt something like a heavy iron weighing in my belly.
The mercenary city of Belfein, I shall get rid of it by myself this time. Failure meant that I would remain insignificant and unworthy forever. I would end up with the same empty body as I used to have in the past timeline.
I was prepared to die. I was willing to expose my corpse up to the end. When that time comes, then I would gladly die without bothering those around me.
I had to possess a clear resolve in order to become a hero. I did not know what Caria or Filaret would say when they heard this, but if they ended up going against me, then I shall bring them down along with me to the bottom of this Earth.
“…This story sort of became like the script of a play. I did not know if my story was just a foolish story or a masterpiece.”
The moon appeared from the shadow of the clouds. Today, the light was strangely dazzling.
The sound of my horse’s hooves dominated the darkness of the night.
Chapter 112: Yearning to be a Hero
Yes, it was a very simple order.
To avoid putting the organization at risk because of one person’s feelings. Of course, Matia disapproved of those whose emotions were like fire. She wanted to avoid risking her entire foundation. I agreed with her to some extent.
Saint Matia said she wouldn’t allow anyone to be reckless during the negotiations with Belfein.
Ah, anyone, including the reckless me. Nevertheless, I knew I was an idiot who acted without much thinking. I only brought trouble to the people around me.
That was why…If I wanted to take some action, I had to do it on my own.
The darkness of the night filled the whole area and put the Earth to sleep. I gazed at the road ahead while moving my eyes. I put a piece of the chewing tobacco in my mouth and felt a pleasant scent passing through my nostrils. My horse’s hooves hit the cobblestone road in direction to the main gate of Garoua Maria.
There was no one around. Literally no one. When I thought deeply about it, I realized there had been a lot of noise around me lately. That would have been unthinkable in the past.
The strange tranquility of the night made my heart cool and calmed me down.
How nostalgic. How could I even remember this strange nostalgia? Yes, I was the only person who was “stuck” behind. A person who never reached the frontlines. I could not walk side by side with someone at all.
But, what about now? I had Caria, Filaret and Eldith walking side by side with me. This distorted situation was the existence I once envied and hated of the hero who walked side by side with them.
In addition, I did not forget the treatment I once received. They were my enemies. Yes, my natural enemies.
They trampled on me. They destroyed my dignity. I felt totally abandoned and neglected. Then, I felt hatred. My chest clearly remembered the hatred that ignited toward those heroes.
Ah, but now, I felt joy in this tiny heart. I felt fulfillment that burst my insides. A feeling of irresistible pleasure that made my skin itch.
The fact that someone recognized me as the hero I was envious before. Even tears overflowed at the edge of my eyes.
However, at the same time, I felt a trembling sensation in the depths of my heart.
The true nature of this tremor was my twisted self-esteem, which made me feel excited because of those who once despised me, recognized me now. In the end, I felt scared. I did not know what to do about my emotions. I was afraid that nothing would ever change in my life.
Yes, I wanted to change everything about my past. Some things did change, which made me feel happy but wary at the same time. However, my insides, what I truly felt about myself never really changed. I did remember the time when I used to guard the surroundings alone. That time took me away from reality as I comforted myself with the chewing tobacco. I would just sit there in the lookout and reminisce about what I wanted but did not have. Yes, day by day.
I knew that those people would eventually abandon me. Despised and banished by the people who now approved of my self-being.
I knew that very well. Even coming to the past was a big risk. I came here to search for a little bit of wisdom, and to gain a new purpose in life. I knew a little bit about the future, and it worked just fine. At least, until now.
However, I had to change in order to avoid the cycle of hatred.
Lagias, the old King of the Elves told me. “You have to trample on my own corpse and use it as a stepping-stone in order to move forward.” I had to overcome my own obstacles in order to be responsible for my own choices. Only then, I could walk through the right path.
Those were big words, and kept piercing through my heart every single day since then. A blood of impatience that filled my wound and created great confusion in my chest.
I was an unmistakable insignificant person. I knew it too well, and I swallowed that fact many times over.
However, I still wanted to do something. Yes, something relevant with my own life. I wanted to reach the heroes’ necks. I wanted to be seen as someone worthy. Yes, as someone who ignited “fire” in people’s hearts like true heroes.
In order to be in par with them…I had to become a hero myself.
Ah, what a faint dream. I felt ashamed of myself that I even strengthened my cheeks.
A hero, huh. A person like me. If I wanted to reach that faint dream, I would have to walk a thorny path. Yes, a path that would make my body full of scratches. I would have to shed blood and do what I could to deserve that almighty title. That is, if the average person like me even tried to reach the feet of heroes.
I sighed as I bit the chewing tobacco with my teeth. My breath was white because of the cold night.
If I wanted to reach the feet of heroes, then I mustn’t remain within the walls of Garoua Maria.
There was Caria, who had become a hero with the sword. There was Filaret who had become a hero by magic. Then, there was Matia, the hero of the Heraldic Order.
Who was I? I was sure that Garoua Maria wouldn’t fall so easily. But, if I didn’t do anything at all, then I wouldn’t be able to move forward. I didn’t want to follow the path of my past life anymore.
Indeed. If I stayed quietly in Garoua Maria, then they would do everything and take credit themselves. I was sure of it. Those heroes would be the ones to achieve glory and status.
They were the heart behind the success of both Garoua Maria and the Hanging Gardens of Ghazalia. All I did was pull some strings, nothing else. Ah, what a disgusting feeling.
If that was the case, then I could not stay in Garoua Maria. I had to prove myself. To prove my worthiness, and in order to do that, I had to pursue my own path. Even if I was alone, I was a person capable of doing some things. However, I had to ask this pertinent question to myself. If I wasn’t a hero, then how could I become one?
Belfein, the mercenary city. I thought this could be a good opportunity to prove myself.
They were definitely underestimating us. They were looking down on us. That was why they approached us with an alliance plan. A plan to lure us in and cut our necks.
Of course, they were not stupid. They probably understood that it was not easy to form an alliance from day to night.
However, I knew that Belfein was trying to have the upper hand over Garoua Maria.
The idea was probably to make internal disagreements, incite them, and eventually break them down. It seemed that they were plotting to devour the giant elephant named Garoua Maria from within.
It was precisely why Matia instructed Ann to take care of internal adjustments. Matia clearly understood the enemy’s intentions.
What Belfein was most confident about was their armed forces. They knew that nobody would mess up with them out of the blue. That’s the reason why they were slowly trying to strangle our necks, because they felt they had power to do so. But, for me, even though they had the power to fight, they ended up choosing a disgusting way to fight.
A cold breath went through my throat. This icy cold cooled down my hot body. I kept thinking while approaching the end of the road with my horse.
I recalled my past life, and…was “that” man the leader of Belfein? He was a fat man who looked down on people. I knew it well. True, I knew a lot about the city and that vicious man.
That was why this was such a good opportunity for me.
I was no one and I had no hero power in me. But, I had no choice but to do it on my own.
I bit my lips while rolling my eyes in the darkness. No problem. I was used to doing things by myself anyways. Rather, it seemed too abnormal to have much power around me until now.
I made up my mind. But, I felt something like a heavy iron weighing in my belly.
The mercenary city of Belfein, I shall get rid of it by myself this time. Failure meant that I would remain insignificant and unworthy forever. I would end up with the same empty body as I used to have in the past timeline.
I was prepared to die. I was willing to expose my corpse up to the end. When that time comes, then I would gladly die without bothering those around me.
I had to possess a clear resolve in order to become a hero. I did not know what Caria or Filaret would say when they heard this, but if they ended up going against me, then I shall bring them down along with me to the bottom of this Earth.
“…This story sort of became like the script of a play. I did not know if my story was just a foolish story or a masterpiece.”
The moon appeared from the shadow of the clouds. Today, the light was strangely dazzling.
The sound of my horse’s hooves dominated the darkness of the night.
