___________________ ღღ ___________________
Ellie
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
[ - Monday Sept. 09 2019, 8:45am, Illinois Technical Institute - ]
Being back in school after all the excitement and emotional turmoil of the weekend is surreal.
Maddie and I had decided this morning that we’d prefer to go to campus and keep up with our classes. Dawn had been only too happy to drive us, and the two of us had sung along at increasingly high volumes to Laura Jane Grace’s Transgender Dysphoria Blues album on the trip here.
Now I’m sitting in the back of the lecture hall of Calculus 1 and fiddling with the friendship bracelet Sky had given me last night when they got home from their outing with Eve. The bracelet is in the trans pride colors: pastel blue, pastel pink, and white. I nearly cried from gratitude when they gave it to me, but I haven’t had the guts to actually wear it yet today. I want to be out and proud, but my anxiety’s made it pretty clear that doing so without a plan in place and friends to support me will lead straight to a breakdown.
So I’ve just gone to my classes as usual. 8am math has been as brutal and difficult as I’ve come to expect, and I just don’t have the will to actually pay much attention. There’s so much else to think about. The lesson today isn’t super complicated anyway, just another method for finding derivatives.
I doodle little pride flags in the margins of my notebook, and notice I feel incredibly awake and alert for this early in the morning. I can’t help but mull over the fact that I’m a girl, and a system, and connected to a magical girl in a far away world. There’s a lot to dwell on, y’know?
I sure do, Maddie interjects dryly, I’ve been thinking about it all basically nonstop since we woke up.
It was a rhetorical question, I reply with an internal roll of my eyes. Then I add, Thanks again for letting me take the front during school. I really appreciate you.
Maddie sends me an image of themself holding both hands out with their fingers curled into a heart shape. I appreciate you too, cutie, they say. I’m happy to keep working on ‘magic’ in here while you suffer through the reality of college.
Very funny, don’t make me start quizzing you on summoning stuff in headspace, I say.
You wouldn’t dare, they reply cheekily.
Don’t push your luck, I shoot back, I’m gonna try to focus for now. Talk to you later?
Sure, they say, and I feel them retreat from the viewing tree as I tackle the problem on the board.
My newly embraced femininity doesn’t change how effective I am at deriving polynomials, unfortunately, but I find it extremely difficult to give much of a shit. It’s not long before my thoughts drift again, and I go over my plans for the rest of the day.
After school I’m going to have Dawn drive me home, so I can grab some more clothes for staying over at her place. If I run into my parents I’ll have to find some excuse to tell them for why I need to stay at Dawn’s place for days on end. I don't think I'll be strong enough to come out, not yet. I need some time to just be a girl with the Andersons, first.
I finish the polynomial problem, and feel a twinge of unease coming from my headmate.
Maddie? I ask, You okay?
Um, Maddie says with a hint of hesitation in their mind-voice, sort of. Can I ask you something stupid?
I doubt it’s stupid, go ahead, I say.
What exactly does ‘being a girl’ mean to you? they ask.
I frown down at the little trans pride flag I’ve drawn next to today’s date.
Well, you know, trying on girly clothes, letting myself do girly things, that kind of thing? I reply.
I pick up my pencil as the professor starts going over the weekend’s homework.
[ - content warning: light mention of internalized transphobia - ]
Right. I guess I’m wondering if we could do those things as a guy? Maddie asks trepidatiously. I mean we’d be breaking gender norms by being femme then. If we transition we’ll be kinda conforming to them?
Homework packet before me, I start carefully checking our answers against the ones on the giant projector screen.
Of course we could, I reply, but it’s not the same. We’re not a guy. If you’re thinking that you want us to be more masc, we can talk about that.
Maddie crosses their arms before the viewing screen, clearly frustrated. I move on to the derivatives section.
I know, I know, they say, I just... I’m scared of what our parents will say. Whether we come out as a binary or nonbinary girl isn’t so much the point as whether we come out at all. And I know that’s classic egg talk, but there it is.
I sigh aloud, trying to figure out how to reply. Thankfully no one seems to hear me, I’m isolated from the rest of the class by empty seats on all sides.
It’s just, Maddie begins, we spent over twenty years as a dude, and we’ve had a long time to plan for our future as a dude. Are we really sure it’s a good idea to throw all that away?
I shrug at her internally. We’ve got plenty of time to think about it, I reply, we don't have to have all this figured out now.
Yeah I guess, they concede, I’m just nervous about seeing the parents.
Same, I say, but we can’t keep suppressing this, you know how dysphoric hearing our dead name and pronouns makes us feel.
True, Maddie admits, I guess I’m just trying to examine this from all sides before we go rushing in to anything.
That’s a really good idea, thank you for doing so! I exclaim.
Of course, they reply, and then they retreat once more from my awareness.
[ - end content warning - ]
The rest of the class is spent in quiet contemplation by the both of us. It seems only moments later that the bell startles me back into the body, where I quickly stash our notes in our backpack and throw it on as I stand up.
I join the stream of students going up the stairs to the rear exit of the lecture hall. In minutes I’ve made my way out of the computer science lab and am outside heading south towards the philosophy building.
The cool breeze is a welcome relief from the stifling air of the lecture hall. I keep to the sidewalk, settling in for the several-city-blocks-long walk. I’m just hitting my stride when someone bumps into my shoulder and nearly causes me to jump out of my shoes.
“Ahh!” I yelp, whipping my head around to see who’d touched me.
“Hey Erick, sorry to scare you!” says a familiar voice. It’s Trevor, the Dungeon Master in Dawn and I’s D&D group. His sandy blond hair is tousled slightly in the breeze.
I cringe internally hearing my old name, but do my best to put on a hesitant smile.
“Aha, hi Trevor,” I reply, trying not to let my internal flusteredness show, “what’s up?”
Trevor and I have the same Ethics class in a few minutes, and this is far from the first time he’s bumped into me this way. Still, I hadn’t been expecting to see him today. I’d actually thought I had pissed him off at D&D last week, he hadn’t talked to me last Wednesday or Friday after class like usual, not that I’d been in a talking mood.
“Just wanted to say hello, sorry I missed you last week. I had some family stuff come up and had to take a few days off school.”
I’m about to reply when I realize something’s off about him. He looks haggard beneath his mop of curly brown hair. He's also incredibly pale, and there are heavy bags beneath his eyes. The guy even seems skinnier than usual.
“Woah dude, are you sure you’re okay?” I ask with genuine concern.
He looks a little panicked by my question. “Yes! I’m totally fine, just uh, recovering from a cold,” he says.
I raise an eyebrow. “Must be some cold.”
He coughs. “Oh it was a doozy.”
“Damn. Well, I hope you feel better asap.”
I start walking again, and he falls into step beside me with an amiable air.
“I’m sorry to hear about the family stuff on top of the cold,” I add, “anything you want to talk about?”
“Nah.” He waves a hand, shooing away the idea. “I just wanted to say hello, and check to see if you’re coming to D and D tomorrow?”
I smile at him for real. “Of course I’ll be there,” I say, “wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Hell yes!” He actually does a little fist pump, seemingly far more energetic than his appearance suggests.
We spend the rest of the walk talking about the current ongoing campaign. I truly am looking forward to playing with our regular group again. That giant one-off campaign we did last week was exhausting.
___________________ ღღ ___________________
Maddie
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Ellie sits near the front of the room in ethics class as per usual. I’d been listening in on the conversation with Trevor, but now that class has started I’ve suddenly become irreconcilably bored. So I do what any imagination-possessing entity would do, I start to day dream.
I wander outside the viewing tree and down towards the rolling surf, my thoughts already starting to calm down as I prepare to meditate.
The vision I’m focusing on has been a recurring scene in my dreams since childhood, and recently I’ve been revisiting the place frequently ever since Anne gave us lessons on how to create our own personal mind-spaces.
I frown in concentration, and find a spot in the sand to settle down on. I sit with my back to the viewing tree and my legs crossed, leaning back while supporting myself with my arms.
I close my eyes, and in my mind’s eye I focus on seeing myself somewhere else.
At first, I see a bird’s eye view of a small, vaguely rectangular island jutting up a kilometer above a rough, stormy sea. In the center of the right half of the island rises a massive red-and-white striped lighthouse, with a small forest covering the left side.
After a moment my perspective changes, I stand on hardwood flooring on the edge of a circular room near the top of the lighthouse. I stare out the massive bay windows in front of me to the island below and the sea beyond.
This is going to be my sanctuary, I think with satisfaction.
Distantly, I hear a familiar voice. “...Maddie?”
I try to keep my focus on the lighthouse, but it’s like trying to wrangle an eel. I quickly decide to give up, and I open my mind-eyes in Anne’s island world. I run back to the viewing tree and inside, not stopping until I’m staring out the two big eye-windows towards the Ethics professor.
What? I ask.
I feel a smile emanating from my headmate. He was talking to another student named Maddie, Ellie replies.
Ah, I say sheepishly, well I guess I’ll be go--
Please stay for a moment, actually? Ellie asks.
Sure, I reply.
Thanks.
The light dims around me as the eye-windows close fractionally, and suddenly Ellie is standing beside me.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said this morning, about whether it’s safe to deviate from our life plans as a guy.”
“And?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.
“And I think that going through with our plans for life as a man would make us miserable constantly, and we’d be right back here again in no time at all.”
I frown, parsing that. I can feel in my heart that she is right, but that doesn’t make it an easier pill to swallow.
Ellie stands there staring at me with a sincere look on her face. I can feel the compassion and kindness she felt towards me radiating off of her like heat from a fire.
[ - content warning: discussion of abusive parents - ]
“You’re right,” I say after a moment. “But that doesn’t solve my problem. I don’t feel safe coming out to the parents. I don’t think they’re going to accept us and I worry they’ll try to separate us from the Andersons.”
Ah, there it is: my real fears, out in the open.
Ellie’s cute rounded face goes through several expressions in the span of a few heartbeats: shock, sadness, understanding, and finally determination.
“Okay,” she says, “then we just won’t come out to the parents. We’ll start to transition, maybe tell friends and teachers, but keep it under wraps at home.”
“Our folks can be nosy if they wanna be,” I respond cautiously, “I don’t think we’ll be able to keep it under wraps for too long, and like you said the deadnaming and misgendering is probably only going to feel worse as we transition. We need to figure out what to do when the parents find out, or when we can’t stand the double life anymore.”
“True, and I can’t think of a better team to figure that out with than the Andersons,” Ellie says. “But in the short term the plan is to put it off and tell the parents that we’re doing a big research project and it makes sense for us to spend most of each week at the Anderson’s.”
[ - end content warning - ]
I sigh. “Fine,” I concede, “It’s definitely better than all my plans.”
She steps forwards and opens her arms in clear invitation for a hug. I smile and oblige her, wrapping her smaller frame tightly.
“We’re gonna figure this out,” Ellie says softly.
“And we’re gonna do it together,” I say firmly.
“I gotta get back,” she says as we pull away from each other, “but we’ll talk later?”
“I’ll hold you to it,” I reply with a smile.
When she’s gone, I wander back out towards the beach. I find another spot in the sand, I sit down, and I begin entering a meditative state once more.
Alrighty, time to try this again, I think to myself, as my thoughts zero in on the circular hardwood floored room in the lighthouse.
KristenOfTheCoven
Hello beautiful readers!!! Our saga continues with a return to the academic and astral worlds.
By the way, if you like the plural aspects of this story, you might like this work and its expanded series:
by my beloved girlfriends Viola & Team Flux aka PurpleCatGirl
Updated 12/6/22: gave Trevor some hair
___________________ ღღ ___________________
Ellie
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
[ - Monday Sept. 09 2019, 8:45am, Illinois Technical Institute - ]
Being back in school after all the excitement and emotional turmoil of the weekend is surreal.
Maddie and I had decided this morning that we’d prefer to go to campus and keep up with our classes. Dawn had been only too happy to drive us, and the two of us had sung along at increasingly high volumes to Laura Jane Grace’s Transgender Dysphoria Blues album on the trip here.
Now I’m sitting in the back of the lecture hall of Calculus 1 and fiddling with the friendship bracelet Sky had given me last night when they got home from their outing with Eve. The bracelet is in the trans pride colors: pastel blue, pastel pink, and white. I nearly cried from gratitude when they gave it to me, but I haven’t had the guts to actually wear it yet today. I want to be out and proud, but my anxiety’s made it pretty clear that doing so without a plan in place and friends to support me will lead straight to a breakdown.
So I’ve just gone to my classes as usual. 8am math has been as brutal and difficult as I’ve come to expect, and I just don’t have the will to actually pay much attention. There’s so much else to think about. The lesson today isn’t super complicated anyway, just another method for finding derivatives.
I doodle little pride flags in the margins of my notebook, and notice I feel incredibly awake and alert for this early in the morning. I can’t help but mull over the fact that I’m a girl, and a system, and connected to a magical girl in a far away world. There’s a lot to dwell on, y’know?
I sure do, Maddie interjects dryly, I’ve been thinking about it all basically nonstop since we woke up.
It was a rhetorical question, I reply with an internal roll of my eyes. Then I add, Thanks again for letting me take the front during school. I really appreciate you.
Maddie sends me an image of themself holding both hands out with their fingers curled into a heart shape. I appreciate you too, cutie, they say. I’m happy to keep working on ‘magic’ in here while you suffer through the reality of college.
Very funny, don’t make me start quizzing you on summoning stuff in headspace, I say.
You wouldn’t dare, they reply cheekily.
Don’t push your luck, I shoot back, I’m gonna try to focus for now. Talk to you later?
Sure, they say, and I feel them retreat from the viewing tree as I tackle the problem on the board.
My newly embraced femininity doesn’t change how effective I am at deriving polynomials, unfortunately, but I find it extremely difficult to give much of a shit. It’s not long before my thoughts drift again, and I go over my plans for the rest of the day.
After school I’m going to have Dawn drive me home, so I can grab some more clothes for staying over at her place. If I run into my parents I’ll have to find some excuse to tell them for why I need to stay at Dawn’s place for days on end. I don't think I'll be strong enough to come out, not yet. I need some time to just be a girl with the Andersons, first.
I finish the polynomial problem, and feel a twinge of unease coming from my headmate.
Maddie? I ask, You okay?
Um, Maddie says with a hint of hesitation in their mind-voice, sort of. Can I ask you something stupid?
I doubt it’s stupid, go ahead, I say.
What exactly does ‘being a girl’ mean to you? they ask.
I frown down at the little trans pride flag I’ve drawn next to today’s date.
Well, you know, trying on girly clothes, letting myself do girly things, that kind of thing? I reply.
I pick up my pencil as the professor starts going over the weekend’s homework.
[ - content warning: light mention of internalized transphobia - ]
Right. I guess I’m wondering if we could do those things as a guy? Maddie asks trepidatiously. I mean we’d be breaking gender norms by being femme then. If we transition we’ll be kinda conforming to them?
Homework packet before me, I start carefully checking our answers against the ones on the giant projector screen.
Of course we could, I reply, but it’s not the same. We’re not a guy. If you’re thinking that you want us to be more masc, we can talk about that.
Maddie crosses their arms before the viewing screen, clearly frustrated. I move on to the derivatives section.
I know, I know, they say, I just... I’m scared of what our parents will say. Whether we come out as a binary or nonbinary girl isn’t so much the point as whether we come out at all. And I know that’s classic egg talk, but there it is.
I sigh aloud, trying to figure out how to reply. Thankfully no one seems to hear me, I’m isolated from the rest of the class by empty seats on all sides.
It’s just, Maddie begins, we spent over twenty years as a dude, and we’ve had a long time to plan for our future as a dude. Are we really sure it’s a good idea to throw all that away?
I shrug at her internally. We’ve got plenty of time to think about it, I reply, we don't have to have all this figured out now.
Yeah I guess, they concede, I’m just nervous about seeing the parents.
Same, I say, but we can’t keep suppressing this, you know how dysphoric hearing our dead name and pronouns makes us feel.
True, Maddie admits, I guess I’m just trying to examine this from all sides before we go rushing in to anything.
That’s a really good idea, thank you for doing so! I exclaim.
Of course, they reply, and then they retreat once more from my awareness.
[ - end content warning - ]
The rest of the class is spent in quiet contemplation by the both of us. It seems only moments later that the bell startles me back into the body, where I quickly stash our notes in our backpack and throw it on as I stand up.
I join the stream of students going up the stairs to the rear exit of the lecture hall. In minutes I’ve made my way out of the computer science lab and am outside heading south towards the philosophy building.
The cool breeze is a welcome relief from the stifling air of the lecture hall. I keep to the sidewalk, settling in for the several-city-blocks-long walk. I’m just hitting my stride when someone bumps into my shoulder and nearly causes me to jump out of my shoes.
“Ahh!” I yelp, whipping my head around to see who’d touched me.
“Hey Erick, sorry to scare you!” says a familiar voice. It’s Trevor, the Dungeon Master in Dawn and I’s D&D group. His sandy blond hair is tousled slightly in the breeze.
I cringe internally hearing my old name, but do my best to put on a hesitant smile.
“Aha, hi Trevor,” I reply, trying not to let my internal flusteredness show, “what’s up?”
Trevor and I have the same Ethics class in a few minutes, and this is far from the first time he’s bumped into me this way. Still, I hadn’t been expecting to see him today. I’d actually thought I had pissed him off at D&D last week, he hadn’t talked to me last Wednesday or Friday after class like usual, not that I’d been in a talking mood.
“Just wanted to say hello, sorry I missed you last week. I had some family stuff come up and had to take a few days off school.”
I’m about to reply when I realize something’s off about him. He looks haggard beneath his mop of curly brown hair. He's also incredibly pale, and there are heavy bags beneath his eyes. The guy even seems skinnier than usual.
“Woah dude, are you sure you’re okay?” I ask with genuine concern.
He looks a little panicked by my question. “Yes! I’m totally fine, just uh, recovering from a cold,” he says.
I raise an eyebrow. “Must be some cold.”
He coughs. “Oh it was a doozy.”
“Damn. Well, I hope you feel better asap.”
I start walking again, and he falls into step beside me with an amiable air.
“I’m sorry to hear about the family stuff on top of the cold,” I add, “anything you want to talk about?”
“Nah.” He waves a hand, shooing away the idea. “I just wanted to say hello, and check to see if you’re coming to D and D tomorrow?”
I smile at him for real. “Of course I’ll be there,” I say, “wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Hell yes!” He actually does a little fist pump, seemingly far more energetic than his appearance suggests.
We spend the rest of the walk talking about the current ongoing campaign. I truly am looking forward to playing with our regular group again. That giant one-off campaign we did last week was exhausting.
___________________ ღღ ___________________
Maddie
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Ellie sits near the front of the room in ethics class as per usual. I’d been listening in on the conversation with Trevor, but now that class has started I’ve suddenly become irreconcilably bored. So I do what any imagination-possessing entity would do, I start to day dream.
I wander outside the viewing tree and down towards the rolling surf, my thoughts already starting to calm down as I prepare to meditate.
The vision I’m focusing on has been a recurring scene in my dreams since childhood, and recently I’ve been revisiting the place frequently ever since Anne gave us lessons on how to create our own personal mind-spaces.
I frown in concentration, and find a spot in the sand to settle down on. I sit with my back to the viewing tree and my legs crossed, leaning back while supporting myself with my arms.
I close my eyes, and in my mind’s eye I focus on seeing myself somewhere else.
At first, I see a bird’s eye view of a small, vaguely rectangular island jutting up a kilometer above a rough, stormy sea. In the center of the right half of the island rises a massive red-and-white striped lighthouse, with a small forest covering the left side.
After a moment my perspective changes, I stand on hardwood flooring on the edge of a circular room near the top of the lighthouse. I stare out the massive bay windows in front of me to the island below and the sea beyond.
This is going to be my sanctuary, I think with satisfaction.
Distantly, I hear a familiar voice. “...Maddie?”
I try to keep my focus on the lighthouse, but it’s like trying to wrangle an eel. I quickly decide to give up, and I open my mind-eyes in Anne’s island world. I run back to the viewing tree and inside, not stopping until I’m staring out the two big eye-windows towards the Ethics professor.
What? I ask.
I feel a smile emanating from my headmate. He was talking to another student named Maddie, Ellie replies.
Ah, I say sheepishly, well I guess I’ll be go--
Please stay for a moment, actually? Ellie asks.
Sure, I reply.
Thanks.
The light dims around me as the eye-windows close fractionally, and suddenly Ellie is standing beside me.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said this morning, about whether it’s safe to deviate from our life plans as a guy.”
“And?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.
“And I think that going through with our plans for life as a man would make us miserable constantly, and we’d be right back here again in no time at all.”
I frown, parsing that. I can feel in my heart that she is right, but that doesn’t make it an easier pill to swallow.
Ellie stands there staring at me with a sincere look on her face. I can feel the compassion and kindness she felt towards me radiating off of her like heat from a fire.
[ - content warning: discussion of abusive parents - ]
“You’re right,” I say after a moment. “But that doesn’t solve my problem. I don’t feel safe coming out to the parents. I don’t think they’re going to accept us and I worry they’ll try to separate us from the Andersons.”
Ah, there it is: my real fears, out in the open.
Ellie’s cute rounded face goes through several expressions in the span of a few heartbeats: shock, sadness, understanding, and finally determination.
“Okay,” she says, “then we just won’t come out to the parents. We’ll start to transition, maybe tell friends and teachers, but keep it under wraps at home.”
“Our folks can be nosy if they wanna be,” I respond cautiously, “I don’t think we’ll be able to keep it under wraps for too long, and like you said the deadnaming and misgendering is probably only going to feel worse as we transition. We need to figure out what to do when the parents find out, or when we can’t stand the double life anymore.”
“True, and I can’t think of a better team to figure that out with than the Andersons,” Ellie says. “But in the short term the plan is to put it off and tell the parents that we’re doing a big research project and it makes sense for us to spend most of each week at the Anderson’s.”
[ - end content warning - ]
I sigh. “Fine,” I concede, “It’s definitely better than all my plans.”
She steps forwards and opens her arms in clear invitation for a hug. I smile and oblige her, wrapping her smaller frame tightly.
“We’re gonna figure this out,” Ellie says softly.
“And we’re gonna do it together,” I say firmly.
“I gotta get back,” she says as we pull away from each other, “but we’ll talk later?”
“I’ll hold you to it,” I reply with a smile.
When she’s gone, I wander back out towards the beach. I find another spot in the sand, I sit down, and I begin entering a meditative state once more.
Alrighty, time to try this again, I think to myself, as my thoughts zero in on the circular hardwood floored room in the lighthouse.
KristenOfTheCoven
Hello beautiful readers!!! Our saga continues with a return to the academic and astral worlds.
By the way, if you like the plural aspects of this story, you might like this work and its expanded series:
by my beloved girlfriends Viola & Team Flux aka PurpleCatGirl
Updated 12/6/22: gave Trevor some hair
