Sun had moved to my side and rubbed on me, somewhat affectionately, perhaps it was just comfort. But it just made it hurt more. I had— I had never experienced something like that? It was always, just— being wrong. I was always just wrong. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did. I was supposed to be better, or rather, according to my family we were just better, and yet, I was always just wrong? It didn’t make sense to me.
I was supposed to be grateful for every single thing they did for me. Because they loved me? That didn’t make sense. Why did I even cry back then? About them? Why? Why was I so fucking sad, about it? It didn’t make sense— oh, right! Because I loved them, because I would always just forget about any kind of thing. Because, otherwise without them I would starve to death. I would be nothing without them. I was nothing without them. Why? Because they said so. I curled my fists feeling anger.
I was supposed to be grateful— I was grateful to them for so long as I didn’t remember the things they did. The amount of times I cried, the amount of times I felt pain, the amount of times they shook their heads and gave me their back. Everything. Everything— every little thing they did to just hurt me, to manipulate me, to… cage me. Why did I even— love them? Why did I even care?
I grabbed my spear, and stood up, much to Sun’s protests. I didn’t care anymore. I held it tightly as I faced the cave wall, there was no way to drown my anger. I didn’t wish to think anymore, I just hated it— I hated my family. I hated the people that would tell my parents that I left my home. I hated how much of an outcast I was.
“What’s the point of revenge?” I swung the spear against the cave wall, as if it was a stick to break. “Who am I even avenging?!” I cried as it smacked yet again. My breathing was rushed, and my heart was feeling pain. “If anything, I was saved!” The spear rebounded as a small amount of pain traveled through my arm.
Why?! I hit the wall once more. I couldn’t stop it. What is the point of revenge?! What do I miss?! I miss absolutely nothing, I don’t miss anyone. I was just an outcast. Why did I even want to survive? Was I even some kind of elf? I sure as hell didn’t feel like one. Everyone else was just as bloodthirsty as I was, but yet I was treated so differently. Sometimes I was told I would achieve great things, other times I was told I was a disappointment and nothing more than some village girl.
Any time I would get to leave alone was for some type of herb gathering— whatever fucking herbs they were anyway. I couldn’t remember, that was for sure! My arm was hurting from smacking the spear against the cave wall like some animal that had lost all sense of reason— but I had. There was no point in anything, what was I even doing? There was no revenge to be had. I wanted revenge because I was told I should want it, not because I truly wanted it. I was taught that I should love my family and fellow elves, but even though I internalized the thought, I truly did not feel like that at all!
“I hate everyone!” I screamed with pain as tears welled once more. “There is no point in it, there is no point in nothing! My parents never cared about me past whatever weird control they wanted over me. The other dark elves did nothing to stop it. I was just an outcast, and even now…” I looked at The System status.
My race was still displayed as ‘???’, there was still the possibility it was because everyone else was dead. But it did not help me not feel like an outcast. I still had a lot of blocked memories, but even then I vaguely remembered some plants like the man-eating tendrils. They were good towards me, they liked my presence—
That’s right. The affinity towards dark plants was always present in my life. But I didn’t think that was the reason I was treated so differently to begin with. I had no clue really. The only thing I was certain of was:
“I hate the dark elves. I hate my parents.” I felt a knife pass through my insides. “Everything is pointless…”
“Is that what you think?” Sun asked from behind.
[That’s right!] Glim joined in. [It’s not all pointless! You are alive! You are stronger than ever. Blair, you have the ability to decide your own fate! Your own destiny!]
I snorted. “I am now under the grasp of The Illusionist. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change unless I become strong enough, but what is the point even?” I asked with annoyance. “Yes, I enjoy fighting, but do I really enjoy it or do I see it as a way to escape my thoughts?” I felt awful, I truly just had lost all will to do anything. “Even now, if I was thrown into a fight, I’d be somewhat distracted just like with the first Lower Moon I had met.”
I took a deep breath as I stared at Glim, the bobbing ball of light in front of me.
“Besides, aren’t you part of The System?” I felt my rage switch to it instead. “Every damn time, every single time I seem to be having some sort of issue there is a distraction. The very first time, against the Knell Boar you tried to convince me it was The System brainwashing me in order to get stronger.” I gnashed my teeth. “Does it just ultimately want me to get stronger? Ah, right! It does. That’s why it had helped the Rime Worm get stronger and nearly killed me, but for what? When does it stop? Will I ever be strong enough?”
I stomped on the ground.
“The entire world is just a damn cage. No matter what I do, I will always be trapped in some way or another forced to do someone's bidding. I will never have some form of freedom. Because that is too much to ask!”
I felt hatred for life. I didn’t want to do anything. Glim slowly bobbed.
[That is right Blair. The System just wants you to get strong. And so do I. The reasons are a bit unknown to me, but ultimately something like this— something like your mental state is dangerous since it might stop you from becoming stronger.] It said defeated, but I simply saw red.
“So, you are saying I am fucking wrong as well?” I huffed. “Why are you even still around anyway? In spite of your help, all you care about is my abilities, you don’t care about me.” I bit my lips. “I suppose that in the end, no one really did.”
[Blair, I care!] Glim protested.
“Fuck you,” I continued. “No one cares. I am alone. I have nothing. No desire to avenge my rotten race, if it’s even my race. No desire to get stronger since the universe is just a cage. At this point, isn’t it better to just fucking die?”
Glim went silent.
“Blair,” Sun called as it stood up.
“What?”
“I care about you, even if it’s in my own pack-like way. Even if I want you to feel better and become a leader. I also wouldn’t care if you didn’t,” he took a breath. “I hear you, I hear your struggles. In the end, the reason for your desire for revenge being naive is because you never cared about those that were killed.”
I nodded with a frown, not really seeing where he was going.
“But do you think you’ll have no one to care for?”
“No, why would I? I don’t plan on having a family either. Not like I could based on my understanding,” I said a bit impatiently.
He sighed. “That is not what I mean. What I mean is, if you were to ever make friends. Companions. Members of your pack. Just like me. What if they died? You have the right to hate your family, you have the right to hate not having freedom. But life isn’t solely about freedom. Blair, if it makes you feel any better. You could just leave this place and never help me. I just want you to survive, I care about you since I know your struggles, I care enough to give your life importance,” he took a pause to look at me. “Blair, you are free to leave, and go elsewhere.”
I felt my rage cool down a bit. Enough to at least realize I somewhat felt a weird attachment to Sun, at least enough for me to trust him. Hearing him, I felt a bit defeated. I did not want to abandon him. But I also felt lost. I didn’t even want to kill or level up or fight things at the moment, everything felt pointless. I sighed.
“The problem isn’t whether I leave. The problem is that no matter what I do, everything is largely pointless.” I closed my eyes. “That’s all.”
Sun regarded me as I turned to match his gaze. “There are a lot of life goals to have. Whether it is to have freedom eventually. Or to simply have pack members to care about. They don’t need to be your offspring. You could even still get revenge on the elves that killed your people, not out of hatred but out of the purpose to save others from suffering the same fate. That’s what I would do personally,” he mused as he circled around until eventually laying down. “Blair, it really depends on you. But things are never truly pointless unless you want them to be.”
“I am not as kind as you.” I shook my head. Something like preventing others from suffering the same fate sounded a bit laughable to me. I sat down momentarily, I felt some soreness on my hand, and my feelings were still in the dumpster. “I hate the ones that caused me pain,” I said after a moment. “At the same time, I wanted to survive initially for my family, but I shouldn’t do anything for them, even if they are dead.”
I closed my eyes, I did feel some guilt saying that. There were times where I recalled being happy, but I didn’t remember the circumstances. However, the happiness was overshadowed by everything else by a landslide. I sighed as I looked at the ceiling.
“Maybe, I am just a kid…”
“And that is alright,” Sun said. “Most of my people have died to those of Moon by this point. And I wish for revenge, but more than anything. I wish for a brighter future for my people. I don’t know what you wish to do with the elves should you encounter them. I don’t know what you plan on doing now, Blair.”
I shook my head. I didn’t know either. I didn’t exactly want to die, but I also saw no point in trying to get stronger, at least for now. My thoughts wandered for a minute.
Maybe, I was just different. Maybe that's why they treated me like they did. Maybe, that’s why The System displays my race as such. I wanted to know why they had done such things to me, but unfortunately they were dead now. Even if I had survived thanks to them, my gratitude was limited to that for now.
I was glad to be able to realize these things. To understand my situation. To comprehend why I felt the ways I did. Even if it was extreme, even if it came in the form of a nightmare. I was grateful to realize. I looked towards Sun, he had helped me—
He had helped me realize my feelings. He had helped me navigate them even if it not long had passed. I cared for him, even if it was just gratitude. I was no longer afraid to think, in the end, the only conclusion there was, was that my parents never had any good intentions towards me, and I shouldn’t feel gratitude towards them.
Even if the realization was hurtful.
With a deep breath, and now just feeling empty. I turned to Sun. “I’ll help you get rid of those of Moon.”
His gaze met mine. “Thank you, Blair. In spite of your pain you think of me.”
I shook my head. “I just wish to repay you for helping me realize that I was being nothing but a fool.”
“Nonetheless. I appreciate it. Thank you.”
I paused. His voice sounded sincere as ever, and my mind couldn’t help but give me a weird feeling. Was it happiness? Did I just feel happiness over his gratitude? Was I lonely enough to feel appreciated over something so small? A few seconds passed as my thoughts wandered for a bit. It was a bit of a ridiculous goal, but…
I wish to be happy…
I felt a bit resigned regarding everything, but even without freedom, I had felt a smidget of happiness. A somewhat foreign feeling aside from the normal thrill of battle. I felt… fulfilled. I wanted more.
“I’ll build a city for your kind to prosper,” I continued.
“Blair, don’t get carried away,” he said suddenly. “One thing at the time. You’re still unstable and insecure, I can smell it. But I’ll be here for you, regardless of what decision you take. Perhaps my gratitude is limited, but I appreciate the things you’re willing to do for me.” Sun closed his eyes. “I wish for you to have a future as well, I hope to help you find it. I can sense your feelings, I understand your pain. I can sympathize with you much better now. That's why I trust you, and that’s why I wish to help you.”
I swallowed, my desire to be fulfilled was drowned a bit. Sun cared too, it seemed. “Thank you.”
“No problem, Blair. Tomorrow is a busy day, do rest. Forget about your kin, I don’t know if you truly are an elf due to the way the voice of god shows you. But at least, right now you are part of my pack.”
I felt a sudden sense of fulfillment. I am part of his pack? He didn’t care about the question marks. Didn’t that make me part of his family? It was a bit far-fetched but it was enough for me. Enough for me to stop caring about my situation regarding freedom, regarding my kin, regarding my desires. That’s right…
Perhaps in the past I would’ve snorted hearing his words, maybe not taken them seriously— taken them as some way to suppress me, but for now I saw it as some form of comfort.
I wasn’t alone. I didn’t wish to be glued to his side, but at least— at least for now, I didn’t feel alone. Sun was there.
I am not alone. I took a deep breath, finally laying down on the floor. I wasn’t alone.
I am going to kill the Moonfangs, and their Guardian.
Deal with The Illusionist.
Get stronger.
And try to understand why Glim is the way that Glim is.
I still felt a bit lost, but at least, things didn’t feel pointless any more. At least, I was no longer alone. I still had a lot of questions in general, but at least. I didn’t mind thinking about my family or my kin anymore. It simply was something tragic that had happened, in the end. It was what it was. Even if it was temporary, I could at least find solace in the fact that I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day…
Azrie
You can read up to chapter 130+ on patreon!
Blair now has a discord server, join here
Sun had moved to my side and rubbed on me, somewhat affectionately, perhaps it was just comfort. But it just made it hurt more. I had— I had never experienced something like that? It was always, just— being wrong. I was always just wrong. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did. I was supposed to be better, or rather, according to my family we were just better, and yet, I was always just wrong? It didn’t make sense to me.
I was supposed to be grateful for every single thing they did for me. Because they loved me? That didn’t make sense. Why did I even cry back then? About them? Why? Why was I so fucking sad, about it? It didn’t make sense— oh, right! Because I loved them, because I would always just forget about any kind of thing. Because, otherwise without them I would starve to death. I would be nothing without them. I was nothing without them. Why? Because they said so. I curled my fists feeling anger.
I was supposed to be grateful— I was grateful to them for so long as I didn’t remember the things they did. The amount of times I cried, the amount of times I felt pain, the amount of times they shook their heads and gave me their back. Everything. Everything— every little thing they did to just hurt me, to manipulate me, to… cage me. Why did I even— love them? Why did I even care?
I grabbed my spear, and stood up, much to Sun’s protests. I didn’t care anymore. I held it tightly as I faced the cave wall, there was no way to drown my anger. I didn’t wish to think anymore, I just hated it— I hated my family. I hated the people that would tell my parents that I left my home. I hated how much of an outcast I was.
“What’s the point of revenge?” I swung the spear against the cave wall, as if it was a stick to break. “Who am I even avenging?!” I cried as it smacked yet again. My breathing was rushed, and my heart was feeling pain. “If anything, I was saved!” The spear rebounded as a small amount of pain traveled through my arm.
Why?! I hit the wall once more. I couldn’t stop it. What is the point of revenge?! What do I miss?! I miss absolutely nothing, I don’t miss anyone. I was just an outcast. Why did I even want to survive? Was I even some kind of elf? I sure as hell didn’t feel like one. Everyone else was just as bloodthirsty as I was, but yet I was treated so differently. Sometimes I was told I would achieve great things, other times I was told I was a disappointment and nothing more than some village girl.
Any time I would get to leave alone was for some type of herb gathering— whatever fucking herbs they were anyway. I couldn’t remember, that was for sure! My arm was hurting from smacking the spear against the cave wall like some animal that had lost all sense of reason— but I had. There was no point in anything, what was I even doing? There was no revenge to be had. I wanted revenge because I was told I should want it, not because I truly wanted it. I was taught that I should love my family and fellow elves, but even though I internalized the thought, I truly did not feel like that at all!
“I hate everyone!” I screamed with pain as tears welled once more. “There is no point in it, there is no point in nothing! My parents never cared about me past whatever weird control they wanted over me. The other dark elves did nothing to stop it. I was just an outcast, and even now…” I looked at The System status.
My race was still displayed as ‘???’, there was still the possibility it was because everyone else was dead. But it did not help me not feel like an outcast. I still had a lot of blocked memories, but even then I vaguely remembered some plants like the man-eating tendrils. They were good towards me, they liked my presence—
That’s right. The affinity towards dark plants was always present in my life. But I didn’t think that was the reason I was treated so differently to begin with. I had no clue really. The only thing I was certain of was:
“I hate the dark elves. I hate my parents.” I felt a knife pass through my insides. “Everything is pointless…”
“Is that what you think?” Sun asked from behind.
[That’s right!] Glim joined in. [It’s not all pointless! You are alive! You are stronger than ever. Blair, you have the ability to decide your own fate! Your own destiny!]
I snorted. “I am now under the grasp of The Illusionist. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change unless I become strong enough, but what is the point even?” I asked with annoyance. “Yes, I enjoy fighting, but do I really enjoy it or do I see it as a way to escape my thoughts?” I felt awful, I truly just had lost all will to do anything. “Even now, if I was thrown into a fight, I’d be somewhat distracted just like with the first Lower Moon I had met.”
I took a deep breath as I stared at Glim, the bobbing ball of light in front of me.
“Besides, aren’t you part of The System?” I felt my rage switch to it instead. “Every damn time, every single time I seem to be having some sort of issue there is a distraction. The very first time, against the Knell Boar you tried to convince me it was The System brainwashing me in order to get stronger.” I gnashed my teeth. “Does it just ultimately want me to get stronger? Ah, right! It does. That’s why it had helped the Rime Worm get stronger and nearly killed me, but for what? When does it stop? Will I ever be strong enough?”
I stomped on the ground.
“The entire world is just a damn cage. No matter what I do, I will always be trapped in some way or another forced to do someone's bidding. I will never have some form of freedom. Because that is too much to ask!”
I felt hatred for life. I didn’t want to do anything. Glim slowly bobbed.
[That is right Blair. The System just wants you to get strong. And so do I. The reasons are a bit unknown to me, but ultimately something like this— something like your mental state is dangerous since it might stop you from becoming stronger.] It said defeated, but I simply saw red.
“So, you are saying I am fucking wrong as well?” I huffed. “Why are you even still around anyway? In spite of your help, all you care about is my abilities, you don’t care about me.” I bit my lips. “I suppose that in the end, no one really did.”
[Blair, I care!] Glim protested.
“Fuck you,” I continued. “No one cares. I am alone. I have nothing. No desire to avenge my rotten race, if it’s even my race. No desire to get stronger since the universe is just a cage. At this point, isn’t it better to just fucking die?”
Glim went silent.
“Blair,” Sun called as it stood up.
“What?”
“I care about you, even if it’s in my own pack-like way. Even if I want you to feel better and become a leader. I also wouldn’t care if you didn’t,” he took a breath. “I hear you, I hear your struggles. In the end, the reason for your desire for revenge being naive is because you never cared about those that were killed.”
I nodded with a frown, not really seeing where he was going.
“But do you think you’ll have no one to care for?”
“No, why would I? I don’t plan on having a family either. Not like I could based on my understanding,” I said a bit impatiently.
He sighed. “That is not what I mean. What I mean is, if you were to ever make friends. Companions. Members of your pack. Just like me. What if they died? You have the right to hate your family, you have the right to hate not having freedom. But life isn’t solely about freedom. Blair, if it makes you feel any better. You could just leave this place and never help me. I just want you to survive, I care about you since I know your struggles, I care enough to give your life importance,” he took a pause to look at me. “Blair, you are free to leave, and go elsewhere.”
I felt my rage cool down a bit. Enough to at least realize I somewhat felt a weird attachment to Sun, at least enough for me to trust him. Hearing him, I felt a bit defeated. I did not want to abandon him. But I also felt lost. I didn’t even want to kill or level up or fight things at the moment, everything felt pointless. I sighed.
“The problem isn’t whether I leave. The problem is that no matter what I do, everything is largely pointless.” I closed my eyes. “That’s all.”
Sun regarded me as I turned to match his gaze. “There are a lot of life goals to have. Whether it is to have freedom eventually. Or to simply have pack members to care about. They don’t need to be your offspring. You could even still get revenge on the elves that killed your people, not out of hatred but out of the purpose to save others from suffering the same fate. That’s what I would do personally,” he mused as he circled around until eventually laying down. “Blair, it really depends on you. But things are never truly pointless unless you want them to be.”
“I am not as kind as you.” I shook my head. Something like preventing others from suffering the same fate sounded a bit laughable to me. I sat down momentarily, I felt some soreness on my hand, and my feelings were still in the dumpster. “I hate the ones that caused me pain,” I said after a moment. “At the same time, I wanted to survive initially for my family, but I shouldn’t do anything for them, even if they are dead.”
I closed my eyes, I did feel some guilt saying that. There were times where I recalled being happy, but I didn’t remember the circumstances. However, the happiness was overshadowed by everything else by a landslide. I sighed as I looked at the ceiling.
“Maybe, I am just a kid…”
“And that is alright,” Sun said. “Most of my people have died to those of Moon by this point. And I wish for revenge, but more than anything. I wish for a brighter future for my people. I don’t know what you wish to do with the elves should you encounter them. I don’t know what you plan on doing now, Blair.”
I shook my head. I didn’t know either. I didn’t exactly want to die, but I also saw no point in trying to get stronger, at least for now. My thoughts wandered for a minute.
Maybe, I was just different. Maybe that's why they treated me like they did. Maybe, that’s why The System displays my race as such. I wanted to know why they had done such things to me, but unfortunately they were dead now. Even if I had survived thanks to them, my gratitude was limited to that for now.
I was glad to be able to realize these things. To understand my situation. To comprehend why I felt the ways I did. Even if it was extreme, even if it came in the form of a nightmare. I was grateful to realize. I looked towards Sun, he had helped me—
He had helped me realize my feelings. He had helped me navigate them even if it not long had passed. I cared for him, even if it was just gratitude. I was no longer afraid to think, in the end, the only conclusion there was, was that my parents never had any good intentions towards me, and I shouldn’t feel gratitude towards them.
Even if the realization was hurtful.
With a deep breath, and now just feeling empty. I turned to Sun. “I’ll help you get rid of those of Moon.”
His gaze met mine. “Thank you, Blair. In spite of your pain you think of me.”
I shook my head. “I just wish to repay you for helping me realize that I was being nothing but a fool.”
“Nonetheless. I appreciate it. Thank you.”
I paused. His voice sounded sincere as ever, and my mind couldn’t help but give me a weird feeling. Was it happiness? Did I just feel happiness over his gratitude? Was I lonely enough to feel appreciated over something so small? A few seconds passed as my thoughts wandered for a bit. It was a bit of a ridiculous goal, but…
I wish to be happy…
I felt a bit resigned regarding everything, but even without freedom, I had felt a smidget of happiness. A somewhat foreign feeling aside from the normal thrill of battle. I felt… fulfilled. I wanted more.
“I’ll build a city for your kind to prosper,” I continued.
“Blair, don’t get carried away,” he said suddenly. “One thing at the time. You’re still unstable and insecure, I can smell it. But I’ll be here for you, regardless of what decision you take. Perhaps my gratitude is limited, but I appreciate the things you’re willing to do for me.” Sun closed his eyes. “I wish for you to have a future as well, I hope to help you find it. I can sense your feelings, I understand your pain. I can sympathize with you much better now. That's why I trust you, and that’s why I wish to help you.”
I swallowed, my desire to be fulfilled was drowned a bit. Sun cared too, it seemed. “Thank you.”
“No problem, Blair. Tomorrow is a busy day, do rest. Forget about your kin, I don’t know if you truly are an elf due to the way the voice of god shows you. But at least, right now you are part of my pack.”
I felt a sudden sense of fulfillment. I am part of his pack? He didn’t care about the question marks. Didn’t that make me part of his family? It was a bit far-fetched but it was enough for me. Enough for me to stop caring about my situation regarding freedom, regarding my kin, regarding my desires. That’s right…
Perhaps in the past I would’ve snorted hearing his words, maybe not taken them seriously— taken them as some way to suppress me, but for now I saw it as some form of comfort.
I wasn’t alone. I didn’t wish to be glued to his side, but at least— at least for now, I didn’t feel alone. Sun was there.
I am not alone. I took a deep breath, finally laying down on the floor. I wasn’t alone.
I am going to kill the Moonfangs, and their Guardian.
Deal with The Illusionist.
Get stronger.
And try to understand why Glim is the way that Glim is.
I still felt a bit lost, but at least, things didn’t feel pointless any more. At least, I was no longer alone. I still had a lot of questions in general, but at least. I didn’t mind thinking about my family or my kin anymore. It simply was something tragic that had happened, in the end. It was what it was. Even if it was temporary, I could at least find solace in the fact that I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day…
Azrie
You can read up to chapter 130+ on patreon!
Blair now has a discord server, join here
