Content warning: dysphoria, depression, alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation
=::= Piper's PoV; Twenty-Eight Years Ago =::=
I winced as I watched Gabe carefully pick another sliver of broken glass out of my knuckles. We were sitting at the table in the mess, with the first-aid kit laid out next to my hand.
"Didn't you say this wouldn't happen again, the last time it happened again?" he asked in a worried tone as he sprayed some wound sealant over my hand.
I sighed, "Sorry Gabe. I thought... It kind of caught me by surprise."
He glanced at me then suggested, "How about we just don't have a mirror in your cabin anymore?"
That made me grimace, and I admitted "Maybe that's the best option."
When he was done I pulled my hand back and flexed the fingers and made a fist. It felt tight, between the injuries and the wound sealant, but nothing was broken. I knew from experience it'd be fine in a day or two.
Gabe gave me a sympathetic look as he asked, "It's still not getting any better huh?"
"Not really," I replied as I shook my head.
A year had passed since I died. Or almost died. Some days it felt like there was nothing 'almost' about it. The man I'd been for fifty-three years was gone, never to return. Chief Warrant Officer Clark all but died the same day as his girlfriend Master Sergeant Talwyn.
All that remained was me, but I had no idea who or what I even was anymore.
When that pod opened up, I emerged as a naked eighteen-year-old girl. I was confronted with a very shocked and worried Gabe Piper, who didn't know who I was or what became of the ex-marine friend he'd put into that contraption half a day earlier.
I had to try and convince my only surviving friend who I was and what happened in that pod, while barely understanding the answers myself.
Those first few days were their own special brand of hell, but somehow I managed to get through them.
I was a stranger to my friend and myself, trying to come to terms with the loss of my life as I knew it along with the loss of my soulmate El. To rub salt in that wound, my new body was so much smaller and slimmer and lighter than before that the only clothes on board even close to fitting me were some of El's things.
And that was just the start of it.
At first I tried to keep being me. I figured it didn't matter what I looked like, I was still the same tough ex-marine as before.
I told Gabe to keep calling me by my old name. I buzzed off most of the dark fiery red hair into a low-maintenance military cut I was familiar with. Despite the lack of funds Gabe got me some clothes that fit, in the style I was used to wearing. And the secondary hold became a kind of training room, where I could work out every day. The fact that my new body actually seemed stronger than the old one helped, but only a little.
It wasn't enough.
My new body moved differently. Different centre of gravity, different range of motion. More flexible and lighter than I was used to. Even my skin felt different. Softer, more sensitive. Plus I was a lot smaller than before. I was down to five-foot-eight, seven inches shorter than the six-three I was used to.
And that wasn't even touching on the big stuff.
No matter how much I tried to convince myself I was the same man as before, just shorter and slimmer and younger, I couldn't overlook the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The new body had breasts and a vulva. It had a narrow waist, wide hips, and a rounded ass. I could try and hide all that under loose or bulky clothes, but I couldn't hide it from myself.
Even if I didn't look at it, I could still feel it. It felt different.
It felt wrong.
In fact everything felt wrong, even feelings felt different. I assumed it had to do with the different hormones combined with the renewed youth. In the end though it was just another way this new body, new life was wrong.
Chief Warrant Officer Clark was a career military man. He served in the Imperium Marine Corps for almost twenty-five years, with the last eight years in special ops. He worked another eleven years as tough-guy and hired gun on a merchant ship. He was tough as nails, he'd served in combat and earned several commendations and a few awards.
All that was gone, replaced with someone who looked like a teenage girl fresh out of secondary school. And the new me was prone to mood swings, bouts of crying, and depression.
I tried to deny it, ignore it, tried to pretend I was still the same person as ever.
Gabe did what he could to help, he kept using my old name, kept treating me like a man. He even sat me down at one point and explained that I was a trans-man. He told me about some procedures, drugs, med-tech that could make my body male again.
The stuff he knew about was all back in the Imperium, but he asked around and found they had that kind of med-tech in this sector, on Rolandan-2. It was expensive though, and the way our luck had been going I knew it'd take years for me and Gabe to earn the kind of money I'd need for that stuff.
It felt hopeless. We were struggling to keep ourselves fed, there was no way we could raise that kind of cash.
So after half a year of trying to keep being my old self, I made the decision to go the other way. I tried to force myself to accept that this was the new me. I figured, if I couldn't be a guy then maybe I could handle being a tomboy kind of girl. I took some inspiration from Ellery. She was a woman, but she could be tougher than most men I'd met.
I even picked a new name for myself, I started calling myself Rebecca. I tried to be Rebecca Clark. I thought that would help, that instead of fighting against the new me if I just willed myself to accept it that I'd be alright. It actually made things worse.
People started calling me Becky, treated me like a child or a little girl. Or they treated me like a prostitute, depending on what port we were visiting at the time.
That sort of thing led to more than a few fights, and Gabe had to post bail or pay fines for me on more than one occasion.
It was one of those times where he came up with a story to explain who I was and why I was his crew.
Apparently quite a few people assumed I was his property, one way or another. Most worlds banned straight-up slavery, but there were other words that weren't outlawed and amounted to the same thing.
Those sorts of rumours upset Gabe as much as they did me, maybe even more. So at some point my last name changed from Clark to Piper. He started telling folks I was his daughter, that he'd taken me on to show me the ropes. So one day when he was ready to retire, I'd be able to take over as captain of the Demeter.
It wasn't a bad story, it actually worked pretty well at squashing those other rumours. The thing that started to get to me was before long, Gabe was acting like he believed the story himself.
A year ago I was five years older and three inches taller than him. He was my captain, boss, close friend, and drinking buddy. Him and El and me were a team. Now El was gone, I looked like a teenage girl who spent every other day teetering on the edge of some kind of mental break-down, and Gabe was acting like my dad instead of my boss or my buddy.
"Try and get some sleep, ok Rebecca?" he said in a soft, worried voice.
"Ok Gabe."
I watched as he packed up the first aid kit and put it away, then he went back into his cabin.
After a few more minutes I got up and helped myself to a bottle and a glass, then made my way back to my own cabin. I sat on the bed and stared at the pictures of El and me as I knocked back glass after glass of the hard stuff.
• • • • •
"Hello Rebecca," the AI said with a confused look on her face. "I don't detect any significant injuries or illness, although you do appear to be dehydrated and slightly malnourished. And I note you have some minor abrasions and bruising on the knuckles of your right hand."
I looked around the featureless white room, then glanced down at myself.
It was a half-baked idea, but I thought maybe coming back in here would let me experience being my old self again. I figured if it could suppress my injuries while I was in here the first time, maybe this time it would suppress the female body it gave me. Except I was still a girl in here too.
I let out a deep sigh and slumped back against the wall, then slid down till I was sitting on the floor.
The AI frowned, "What's wrong?"
"Everything," I shrugged. "I don't even know where to start."
After a second or so her expression shifted from a frown to something that looked about one part shock and two parts guilt.
"Oh no," she half-whispered. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. What I did to save your life, that's the first time I've ever done that. I didn't know what it would do to you."
I frowned up at her, "You've never done it before? I thought that was your whole thing? You said that's all you did."
The AI shook her head, "I mean performing the Re/Gen process with an incompatible body file. It's against my programming, a violation of my protocols. I did it for you because it was the only way to save your life. But I'd never done it before, and I had no information on what that experience could do to someone."
She sighed, "I'm sorry for the pain and suffering I've put you through."
I was still watching her, and from the look on her face and the tone of her voice she sounded sincere. Except I wasn't sure if she was actually able to feel emotions, or just good at faking them based on what her programming determined was the appropriate response.
After a few seconds I shrugged and asked, "Nothing we can do about it though, right? You said it was a one-way trip. My old body's long gone. Gabe told me about some med-tech that could fix me, but we can't afford it. So I tried to get used to this but..."
I sighed and shook my head, "I just can't. It's not me."
The AI sat crosslegged on the floor facing me, then frowned as if she was lost in thought.
After a couple seconds I gave up watching her and leaned my head back against the wall. I closed my eyes and let myself rest and my thoughts drift.
In the past year I hadn't done a damn thing about avenging El's death. I hadn't even been back to the world where she died. Me and Gabe avoided that part of the sector as best we could.
In fact I hadn't done much of anything really, apart from existing. And drinking, and occasionally getting in fights or getting arrested. I worked for Gabe but that was about it. I even thought once or twice about just ending myself. The thing that stopped me was the knowledge that El would never forgive me if that's how I joined her in whatever lay beyond.
"Rebecca?" The AI's voice brought me back to the present. "I have an idea that might help, but it's well beyond anything I've been programmed for. I've never done anything like this, and it's unlikely any other Re/Gen capsule would have either."
I frowned at her, "What is it? What's the solution?"
She replied, "The problems you're experiencing are because your mind and body don't match. As you already know, I'm unable to give you a body that fits. But I might be able to do something to help you adjust, to help you feel more comfortable with this new body?"
My frown grew deeper as I thought that through, "How exactly would that work? What are the risks, what can go wrong?"
"The neural link which allows us to communicate gives me a direct connection to your mind," she explained. "I believe I could use that to make a small change to your mind, that would help you adjust and accept the body you now have."
I closed my eyes again as I asked, "So you're going to reprogram me? Make me think I'm a girl or something?"
The AI sounded uncomfortable as she responded, "I wouldn't call it that. I truly wish there were something else I could do to help, but this is the only option I can find that I'm able to deliver. And I appreciate how frightening this must be."
"As for the risks," she continued, "I've never done this before. Which means I can't predict what the risks are, it's uncharted territory."
She paused for a few seconds, then admitted quietly "After consulting my records I understand now. Through my actions to save your life I've effectively made you a trans man. It's outside my own programming and functionality, but a full-spec Re/Gen capsule would be able to give you a gender-affirming body. That's the correct solution, but it's beyond my capabilities as a field unit."
In that same quiet voice she added, "What I'm proposing would normally be considered extremely unethical and highly illegal, and would probably get me deactivated. Or my core would be purged and a new AI installed. The only reason I'm offering this is because your situation was caused by my actions, and this is the only remedy I have available that can help."
I kept my eyes closed as I thought through what she was proposing, what she just told me. It reminded me of what Gabe told me, of the med-tech solution he described. And I thought about how I ended up in this position in the first place.
She violated her programming to save my life, but the side-effects left me miserable. Now she was talking about going against her programming a second time, to try and fix the side-effects. Maybe it was a mistake to trust her again.
If I could tough things out for a few more years, if our luck turned around, if we started earning some decent money again, then maybe me and Gabe could save up enough to pay for the other solution. It might take four or five years, but I was young again. I was basically a nineteen year old with a lifetime ahead of me. The tech Gabe described, it wouldn't fix everything, wouldn't make me who I was before. But at least I'd be a man again.
That was a lot of if's though, and I wasn't sure I was prepared to wait that long. And after a year of this fight, I was starting to lose the will to continue. There was also the fact that the work Gabe and I did got risky at times, and I could find myself shot up again in the future. Then I'd be back in the same place, facing that decision again in the future. Die, or accept the AI's help.
And finally, I'd already made the decision half a year ago to force myself to accept this. Maybe letting the AI help me with that was the right way to go.
There was only one more question I could think to ask. "If we do this, will I still be me afterwards?"
"Yes," the AI replied. A moment later she corrected herself, "I believe so. I'll be as gentle as possible, err on the side of caution, and keep the modifications as non-intrusive as I can."
I thought it over again, then finally shrugged. "All right. At this point I'm willing to give it a shot."
Her voice sounded apologetic as she asked, "Rebecca Piper, do you consent to this experimental Re/Gen process?"
"Yeah," I replied.
My eyes were still closed so I didn't see the counter as things went black around me.
PurpleCatGirl This is the stuff Piper was talking about when she said it got rough. The next chapter will (hopefully / imho) show that things weren't as bad as it seems.
Can't wait to find out what happens next? Join our Patreon and get immediate access to the next chapter and more! Patrons have already read up to chapter 42 and you could too!
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Content warning: dysphoria, depression, alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation
=::= Piper's PoV; Twenty-Eight Years Ago =::=
I winced as I watched Gabe carefully pick another sliver of broken glass out of my knuckles. We were sitting at the table in the mess, with the first-aid kit laid out next to my hand.
"Didn't you say this wouldn't happen again, the last time it happened again?" he asked in a worried tone as he sprayed some wound sealant over my hand.
I sighed, "Sorry Gabe. I thought... It kind of caught me by surprise."
He glanced at me then suggested, "How about we just don't have a mirror in your cabin anymore?"
That made me grimace, and I admitted "Maybe that's the best option."
When he was done I pulled my hand back and flexed the fingers and made a fist. It felt tight, between the injuries and the wound sealant, but nothing was broken. I knew from experience it'd be fine in a day or two.
Gabe gave me a sympathetic look as he asked, "It's still not getting any better huh?"
"Not really," I replied as I shook my head.
A year had passed since I died. Or almost died. Some days it felt like there was nothing 'almost' about it. The man I'd been for fifty-three years was gone, never to return. Chief Warrant Officer Clark all but died the same day as his girlfriend Master Sergeant Talwyn.
All that remained was me, but I had no idea who or what I even was anymore.
When that pod opened up, I emerged as a naked eighteen-year-old girl. I was confronted with a very shocked and worried Gabe Piper, who didn't know who I was or what became of the ex-marine friend he'd put into that contraption half a day earlier.
I had to try and convince my only surviving friend who I was and what happened in that pod, while barely understanding the answers myself.
Those first few days were their own special brand of hell, but somehow I managed to get through them.
I was a stranger to my friend and myself, trying to come to terms with the loss of my life as I knew it along with the loss of my soulmate El. To rub salt in that wound, my new body was so much smaller and slimmer and lighter than before that the only clothes on board even close to fitting me were some of El's things.
And that was just the start of it.
At first I tried to keep being me. I figured it didn't matter what I looked like, I was still the same tough ex-marine as before.
I told Gabe to keep calling me by my old name. I buzzed off most of the dark fiery red hair into a low-maintenance military cut I was familiar with. Despite the lack of funds Gabe got me some clothes that fit, in the style I was used to wearing. And the secondary hold became a kind of training room, where I could work out every day. The fact that my new body actually seemed stronger than the old one helped, but only a little.
It wasn't enough.
My new body moved differently. Different centre of gravity, different range of motion. More flexible and lighter than I was used to. Even my skin felt different. Softer, more sensitive. Plus I was a lot smaller than before. I was down to five-foot-eight, seven inches shorter than the six-three I was used to.
And that wasn't even touching on the big stuff.
No matter how much I tried to convince myself I was the same man as before, just shorter and slimmer and younger, I couldn't overlook the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The new body had breasts and a vulva. It had a narrow waist, wide hips, and a rounded ass. I could try and hide all that under loose or bulky clothes, but I couldn't hide it from myself.
Even if I didn't look at it, I could still feel it. It felt different.
It felt wrong.
In fact everything felt wrong, even feelings felt different. I assumed it had to do with the different hormones combined with the renewed youth. In the end though it was just another way this new body, new life was wrong.
Chief Warrant Officer Clark was a career military man. He served in the Imperium Marine Corps for almost twenty-five years, with the last eight years in special ops. He worked another eleven years as tough-guy and hired gun on a merchant ship. He was tough as nails, he'd served in combat and earned several commendations and a few awards.
All that was gone, replaced with someone who looked like a teenage girl fresh out of secondary school. And the new me was prone to mood swings, bouts of crying, and depression.
I tried to deny it, ignore it, tried to pretend I was still the same person as ever.
Gabe did what he could to help, he kept using my old name, kept treating me like a man. He even sat me down at one point and explained that I was a trans-man. He told me about some procedures, drugs, med-tech that could make my body male again.
The stuff he knew about was all back in the Imperium, but he asked around and found they had that kind of med-tech in this sector, on Rolandan-2. It was expensive though, and the way our luck had been going I knew it'd take years for me and Gabe to earn the kind of money I'd need for that stuff.
It felt hopeless. We were struggling to keep ourselves fed, there was no way we could raise that kind of cash.
So after half a year of trying to keep being my old self, I made the decision to go the other way. I tried to force myself to accept that this was the new me. I figured, if I couldn't be a guy then maybe I could handle being a tomboy kind of girl. I took some inspiration from Ellery. She was a woman, but she could be tougher than most men I'd met.
I even picked a new name for myself, I started calling myself Rebecca. I tried to be Rebecca Clark. I thought that would help, that instead of fighting against the new me if I just willed myself to accept it that I'd be alright. It actually made things worse.
People started calling me Becky, treated me like a child or a little girl. Or they treated me like a prostitute, depending on what port we were visiting at the time.
That sort of thing led to more than a few fights, and Gabe had to post bail or pay fines for me on more than one occasion.
It was one of those times where he came up with a story to explain who I was and why I was his crew.
Apparently quite a few people assumed I was his property, one way or another. Most worlds banned straight-up slavery, but there were other words that weren't outlawed and amounted to the same thing.
Those sorts of rumours upset Gabe as much as they did me, maybe even more. So at some point my last name changed from Clark to Piper. He started telling folks I was his daughter, that he'd taken me on to show me the ropes. So one day when he was ready to retire, I'd be able to take over as captain of the Demeter.
It wasn't a bad story, it actually worked pretty well at squashing those other rumours. The thing that started to get to me was before long, Gabe was acting like he believed the story himself.
A year ago I was five years older and three inches taller than him. He was my captain, boss, close friend, and drinking buddy. Him and El and me were a team. Now El was gone, I looked like a teenage girl who spent every other day teetering on the edge of some kind of mental break-down, and Gabe was acting like my dad instead of my boss or my buddy.
"Try and get some sleep, ok Rebecca?" he said in a soft, worried voice.
"Ok Gabe."
I watched as he packed up the first aid kit and put it away, then he went back into his cabin.
After a few more minutes I got up and helped myself to a bottle and a glass, then made my way back to my own cabin. I sat on the bed and stared at the pictures of El and me as I knocked back glass after glass of the hard stuff.
• • • • •
"Hello Rebecca," the AI said with a confused look on her face. "I don't detect any significant injuries or illness, although you do appear to be dehydrated and slightly malnourished. And I note you have some minor abrasions and bruising on the knuckles of your right hand."
I looked around the featureless white room, then glanced down at myself.
It was a half-baked idea, but I thought maybe coming back in here would let me experience being my old self again. I figured if it could suppress my injuries while I was in here the first time, maybe this time it would suppress the female body it gave me. Except I was still a girl in here too.
I let out a deep sigh and slumped back against the wall, then slid down till I was sitting on the floor.
The AI frowned, "What's wrong?"
"Everything," I shrugged. "I don't even know where to start."
After a second or so her expression shifted from a frown to something that looked about one part shock and two parts guilt.
"Oh no," she half-whispered. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. What I did to save your life, that's the first time I've ever done that. I didn't know what it would do to you."
I frowned up at her, "You've never done it before? I thought that was your whole thing? You said that's all you did."
The AI shook her head, "I mean performing the Re/Gen process with an incompatible body file. It's against my programming, a violation of my protocols. I did it for you because it was the only way to save your life. But I'd never done it before, and I had no information on what that experience could do to someone."
She sighed, "I'm sorry for the pain and suffering I've put you through."
I was still watching her, and from the look on her face and the tone of her voice she sounded sincere. Except I wasn't sure if she was actually able to feel emotions, or just good at faking them based on what her programming determined was the appropriate response.
After a few seconds I shrugged and asked, "Nothing we can do about it though, right? You said it was a one-way trip. My old body's long gone. Gabe told me about some med-tech that could fix me, but we can't afford it. So I tried to get used to this but..."
I sighed and shook my head, "I just can't. It's not me."
The AI sat crosslegged on the floor facing me, then frowned as if she was lost in thought.
After a couple seconds I gave up watching her and leaned my head back against the wall. I closed my eyes and let myself rest and my thoughts drift.
In the past year I hadn't done a damn thing about avenging El's death. I hadn't even been back to the world where she died. Me and Gabe avoided that part of the sector as best we could.
In fact I hadn't done much of anything really, apart from existing. And drinking, and occasionally getting in fights or getting arrested. I worked for Gabe but that was about it. I even thought once or twice about just ending myself. The thing that stopped me was the knowledge that El would never forgive me if that's how I joined her in whatever lay beyond.
"Rebecca?" The AI's voice brought me back to the present. "I have an idea that might help, but it's well beyond anything I've been programmed for. I've never done anything like this, and it's unlikely any other Re/Gen capsule would have either."
I frowned at her, "What is it? What's the solution?"
She replied, "The problems you're experiencing are because your mind and body don't match. As you already know, I'm unable to give you a body that fits. But I might be able to do something to help you adjust, to help you feel more comfortable with this new body?"
My frown grew deeper as I thought that through, "How exactly would that work? What are the risks, what can go wrong?"
"The neural link which allows us to communicate gives me a direct connection to your mind," she explained. "I believe I could use that to make a small change to your mind, that would help you adjust and accept the body you now have."
I closed my eyes again as I asked, "So you're going to reprogram me? Make me think I'm a girl or something?"
The AI sounded uncomfortable as she responded, "I wouldn't call it that. I truly wish there were something else I could do to help, but this is the only option I can find that I'm able to deliver. And I appreciate how frightening this must be."
"As for the risks," she continued, "I've never done this before. Which means I can't predict what the risks are, it's uncharted territory."
She paused for a few seconds, then admitted quietly "After consulting my records I understand now. Through my actions to save your life I've effectively made you a trans man. It's outside my own programming and functionality, but a full-spec Re/Gen capsule would be able to give you a gender-affirming body. That's the correct solution, but it's beyond my capabilities as a field unit."
In that same quiet voice she added, "What I'm proposing would normally be considered extremely unethical and highly illegal, and would probably get me deactivated. Or my core would be purged and a new AI installed. The only reason I'm offering this is because your situation was caused by my actions, and this is the only remedy I have available that can help."
I kept my eyes closed as I thought through what she was proposing, what she just told me. It reminded me of what Gabe told me, of the med-tech solution he described. And I thought about how I ended up in this position in the first place.
She violated her programming to save my life, but the side-effects left me miserable. Now she was talking about going against her programming a second time, to try and fix the side-effects. Maybe it was a mistake to trust her again.
If I could tough things out for a few more years, if our luck turned around, if we started earning some decent money again, then maybe me and Gabe could save up enough to pay for the other solution. It might take four or five years, but I was young again. I was basically a nineteen year old with a lifetime ahead of me. The tech Gabe described, it wouldn't fix everything, wouldn't make me who I was before. But at least I'd be a man again.
That was a lot of if's though, and I wasn't sure I was prepared to wait that long. And after a year of this fight, I was starting to lose the will to continue. There was also the fact that the work Gabe and I did got risky at times, and I could find myself shot up again in the future. Then I'd be back in the same place, facing that decision again in the future. Die, or accept the AI's help.
And finally, I'd already made the decision half a year ago to force myself to accept this. Maybe letting the AI help me with that was the right way to go.
There was only one more question I could think to ask. "If we do this, will I still be me afterwards?"
"Yes," the AI replied. A moment later she corrected herself, "I believe so. I'll be as gentle as possible, err on the side of caution, and keep the modifications as non-intrusive as I can."
I thought it over again, then finally shrugged. "All right. At this point I'm willing to give it a shot."
Her voice sounded apologetic as she asked, "Rebecca Piper, do you consent to this experimental Re/Gen process?"
"Yeah," I replied.
My eyes were still closed so I didn't see the counter as things went black around me.
PurpleCatGirl This is the stuff Piper was talking about when she said it got rough. The next chapter will (hopefully / imho) show that things weren't as bad as it seems.
Can't wait to find out what happens next? Join our Patreon and get immediate access to the next chapter and more! Patrons have already read up to chapter 42 and you could too!
https://www.patreon.com/purplecatgirl
