Piper knocked back another drink, then grimaced as the fiery liquid burned its way down.
She sighed, "First thing I noticed when I climbed out of the tube after that was my hand was healed, and all the other scars I'd picked up in various fights over that first year were gone too. Second thing was my hair had reverted back to the way it was at the start. Then I clued-in that I was eighteen again, that every time I used the healing pod I'd reset back to that age."
Sarah and I both remained quiet as we listened. Jenny was silent too, and she looked both sad and guilty as she stared down at the table while Piper told us her story.
I had a sip of water as I processed everything I'd just learned about our captain's past. Our engineer drank some of her soft drink as she looked thoughtful too.
"As for the experiment," Piper continued, "It didn't quite work out the way we hoped. It took two or three more attempts over the next half year to find a workable solution. Basically it was trial and error, while she messed with my brain and tried to figure out which wires to cut or what to plug in where."
Jenny winced at the captain's analogy, but she didn't comment or argue the point.
After pouring herself another shot, Piper looked at her and said "Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you. Not anymore. I know you were doing everything you could to try and help me. And I remember how upset you got when it didn't work."
The AI nodded, but remained quiet for the moment.
"What did the failures..." Sarah started to ask, then she cut herself off. Perhaps she realized the question might be insensitive, or maybe she decided she didn't really want to know. "Never mind."
Piper took a sip of her drink this time rather than knock it back in one go, then she answered the question anyways.
"There were some short-term personality quirks," she replied. "Jenny reversed the fixes when we knew it wasn't helping, or if it helped but the side-effects were worse. The only permanent glitch was I lost some memories. What it felt like to be my original self, some parts of my childhood, that kind of thing. Even forgot my old name for a while."
"I'm so sorry Piper," the AI said softly. "If there was any way to make it up to you..."
The captain shrugged, "It's ok Jenny. It's all ancient history now anyways. You figured it out, and things got better. Bottom line is you saved my life back then, and you've saved it a dozen more times since then."
Jenny sighed, "I'm still sorry. I deeply regret all the suffering I caused you."
The captain just nodded, and the four of us were quiet for a few minutes.
"What did Gabe think of all that?" I finally asked. "I assume he knew what you and Jenny were doing?"
"Not at first," Piper responded. "The second time I got into the pod I was depressed and hung over. It was a spur of the moment thing, and I wasn't expecting Jenny to suggest an experimental solution."
After another sip of her drink she continued, "After that though, yeah. I kept him in the loop, he was there with me through all of it. Every time me and Jenny tried something new I let him know, kept him updated on what was happening. There wasn't much he could do, other than watch for any changes in my mood or how I was acting, but he was supportive. He wanted to see me get better as much as Jenny did."
I looked between Jenny and Piper and asked, "If it's not too personal, how did you ultimately solve the problem? What did you do that made it work?"
The two of them exchanged a look, and Piper gave Jenny a slight nodd for her to answer.
The AI explained, "The successful solution involved taking a strong existing personality trait and expanding it to cover her relationship to her body. Piper is very mission- or goal-oriented, so the answer was to help her view adapting to and accepting her circumstances as part of her assignment as a member of the Demeter's crew."
Jenny added after a moment, "I should also make the point, this wouldn't have worked if Piper didn't want it. She wanted it to work, she wanted to adapt, to accept her situation. It would never have succeeded if it was against her will. It worked because she wanted it to."
"That's what you offered me, right?" Sarah asked. "I remember at first you mentioned there was something you could do to help, but then you said I probably didn't need it."
"Not exactly," Jenny responded. "You're not as mission-oriented as Piper, that solution wouldn't have worked for you. I would have tried working with your pragmatism instead. Happily that was unnecessary."
Sarah looked thoughtful as she considered that, and all four of us were quiet again for another minute or two.
Piper broke the silence this time. "I'm positive that's why Gabe refused to use the healing pod when he really needed it. He saw his best friend go in there a dying man and come back out a depressed and distraught teenage girl. And he saw how I struggled for over a year, before Jenny got me sorted out."
She sighed as she continued, "Over the years he picked up his share of injuries and scars, but he always resisted using it. By the end he looked more like my granddad than my dad, but he was still doing the job. He'd slowed down a lot though, and six years ago it all finally caught up to him."
"Maybe he was trans?" I suggested quietly. "He obviously knew what it meant to be a trans man, you said he knew about the solutions in the Imperium. Maybe he went through that himself before you met him?"
The captain's eyes widened, "Oh crap. You might be right? I never questioned how he knew all that stuff back then, and he never talked about his past or where he was originally from."
The four of us were quiet again for a few moments, till Sarah commented "After he was gone, you operated the ship alone for six years. Until you rescued me and Amanda, and offered us jobs."
Piper nodded and answered that unasked question. "Coming across the Hammersmith like that, finding a single lifepod with only two survivors on board? The whole scenario felt like a repeat of what happened to me and El four decades back."
She blushed as she continued, "I don't know, I guess I took it as a sign that I'd been avoiding people for too long. Fate dropped you two in my path, exactly like how Gabe found me and El."
Sarah smiled, "I hope we've lived up to your expectations?"
The captain grimaced, "Honestly when I got you two on board and found out your condition Sarah, it was almost scary. I knew there was only one thing I could do to save your life, and it felt like even that was a replay of my own experience. Except I'm glad it turned out a lot better for you than it did for me."
She added, "Then Amanda wanted to use the thing too, which caught me off-guard. I understood what she wanted though, and why she wanted it. And I knew Jenny could definitely help her."
My girlfriend and I both blushed slightly.
I responded, "I'm sorry for what happened to the Hammersmith but I feel incredibly lucky to have found my way onto the Demeter. I'm grateful to both of you, Piper and Jenny, for everything you've done for me. I don't think I've ever felt happier or more comfortable than I do here and now."
Sarah raised her glass, "I can't say this is something I'd have picked for myself ahead of time, but I'm very happy with how things turned out. After the Hammersmith was lost, ending up on the Demeter was the best possible outcome. I'm alive, healthy, happy, and I've got a second chance and a new life. And I've got three great friends who are all really good people."
Me and Piper raised our glasses to that as well, and Jenny went through the motions of raising a virtual glass.
Sarah finished her drink then asked, "So did you ever get revenge on those folks who double-crossed you?"
"We eventually got back to that world again," Piper replied. "It was about two and a half, maybe three years later? Not till long after I got all my shit sorted out. By that point I really was Rebecca Piper, that wasn't just an act or something. I didn't just look like a young woman, that's who I was. Except I was a young woman with a genetically enhanced body and who was also an ex-marine and former special ops soldier, with a few decades worth of experience."
She drained her glass with another grimace, then shrugged "I went on the hunt, but never found them. I chased down some leads and dug up some information though. Near as I could find the customer who screwed us and the guys who killed El and left me for dead, they were all killed off about a year before I went looking for them. Me and Gabe both figured if they'd try that shit with us, they probably did it with other folks too. It was only a matter of time before someone returned the favour. So they got what was coming, even if it wasn't me who did it."
"The only disappointment was," she added with a frown, "I never did recover my favourite gun or my special-ops patch. They're probably both in a shallow grave somewhere, along with the guy who took them from me."
After that we were all quiet again for another couple minutes. And by that point it was getting late, and nobody seemed interested in another round of drinks. I picked up the empty glasses and took them over to the sink.
"There's one last question I have for you boss," I said as I rinsed out all the glasses. "You chose the name Rebecca right? Why don't you like using it?"
Piper sighed, "Yeah. Like I said, people started calling me Becky and I really hated that. Along with how they treated me or looked down at me... I guess I ended up with a lot of bad experiences and bad memories, that I kind of associate with that name."
"So why not pick a different name then?" Sarah asked. "Change your name, if the current one bothers you."
The captain frowned, but eventually she shook her head. "Honestly after all this time I think it'd be hard to change it. I don't like using it, but at the same time it feels like me? And that's how people know me."
I suggested, "If you don't want to try something else, then maybe you could reclaim the name for yourself? Make it yours, and make some new positive memories with it so you don't just associate it with the bad ones. I'd be happy to help with that any way I can."
"Same here," Sarah chimed in.
Jenny agreed, "I'll do what I can to help as well."
That left Piper with a thoughtful look on her face. "Maybe. I'll think about it anyways."
By that point I'd finished tidying up, and the others all got to their feet as well. We all bid each other a good night, then me and Sarah slipped into our cabin while Piper went into her own. And Jenny headed down to the hold to recharge her HPD.
As Sarah and I started getting ready for bed she smiled, "You know? Piper never actually answered my questions. Apart from the big one, I suppose."
"We can try and talk with her again tomorrow," I suggested.
She nodded as she continued getting undressed, then in a quiet voice she asked me "That stuff Piper talked about, the way she reacted after her first time in the Re/Gen capsule? That's what you were worried I was going through, right? That's why you were so concerned about me?"
"Yes," I replied softly. "What she described sounded like gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia."
I sat down on my bunk and added, "From the sound of it I think she had them both pretty bad, which makes sense to me? She was in her fifties, she had a lifetime with her original body. And she probably identified strongly with that body, or perhaps being a 'tough strong man' was a big part of her identity? Suddenly becoming someone so different would have been a huge shock to her."
My girlfriend sat down next to me. She looked thoughtful as she said, "I had fifty-eight years as a man, though I sure don't feel that old anymore."
I gave her a worried look, "You're ok though, right?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "And I can't say being a man was a huge part of how I identified myself? Engineer, sailor, officer, ship-mate, all those things came long before my body or what I looked like, or what was between my legs."
She added, "Finding out about Piper's past was an eye-opener, and I'm sorry she had to suffer like that. No regrets for myself though. I'm happy to be alive, happy to be here with you and her and Jenny. And..."
Her voice trailed off for a few seconds and she started idly playing with a lock of her long blonde hair again. It looked like she was thinking something over.
"And I'm happy to be the new me," she finally decided. "Like the captain said about how she really became Rebecca Piper in the end? That's how I feel. I'm Sarah Holloway, this is me now. The guy I used to be, he had a good run but that's not who I am anymore. I don't miss it, and if the opportunity came up to go back to what I was, I wouldn't take it."
I gave her a warm smile and a hug, "I'm glad you're happy Sarah. I'm still sorry you ended up in that position and had to make that kind of choice in the first place, just like I'm sorry Piper had to do the same thing way back when. But I'm glad both you and she are comfortable now."
"Thanks Amanda," she whispered as she hugged me back. "And thanks for looking out for me, for fussing over me about all that stuff. And for saving my life. I know I've said it before, but I really do appreciate everything you've done for me."
My head ended up leaning against her shoulder as I replied, "You're welcome Sarah. And if there's anything else I can do to help, just ask ok?"
"I can think of one or two things," she whispered.
Then with a naughty giggle she pulled me back onto the bunk with her. Sarah's lips met mine, and her hands started to explore my body.
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Piper knocked back another drink, then grimaced as the fiery liquid burned its way down.
She sighed, "First thing I noticed when I climbed out of the tube after that was my hand was healed, and all the other scars I'd picked up in various fights over that first year were gone too. Second thing was my hair had reverted back to the way it was at the start. Then I clued-in that I was eighteen again, that every time I used the healing pod I'd reset back to that age."
Sarah and I both remained quiet as we listened. Jenny was silent too, and she looked both sad and guilty as she stared down at the table while Piper told us her story.
I had a sip of water as I processed everything I'd just learned about our captain's past. Our engineer drank some of her soft drink as she looked thoughtful too.
"As for the experiment," Piper continued, "It didn't quite work out the way we hoped. It took two or three more attempts over the next half year to find a workable solution. Basically it was trial and error, while she messed with my brain and tried to figure out which wires to cut or what to plug in where."
Jenny winced at the captain's analogy, but she didn't comment or argue the point.
After pouring herself another shot, Piper looked at her and said "Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you. Not anymore. I know you were doing everything you could to try and help me. And I remember how upset you got when it didn't work."
The AI nodded, but remained quiet for the moment.
"What did the failures..." Sarah started to ask, then she cut herself off. Perhaps she realized the question might be insensitive, or maybe she decided she didn't really want to know. "Never mind."
Piper took a sip of her drink this time rather than knock it back in one go, then she answered the question anyways.
"There were some short-term personality quirks," she replied. "Jenny reversed the fixes when we knew it wasn't helping, or if it helped but the side-effects were worse. The only permanent glitch was I lost some memories. What it felt like to be my original self, some parts of my childhood, that kind of thing. Even forgot my old name for a while."
"I'm so sorry Piper," the AI said softly. "If there was any way to make it up to you..."
The captain shrugged, "It's ok Jenny. It's all ancient history now anyways. You figured it out, and things got better. Bottom line is you saved my life back then, and you've saved it a dozen more times since then."
Jenny sighed, "I'm still sorry. I deeply regret all the suffering I caused you."
The captain just nodded, and the four of us were quiet for a few minutes.
"What did Gabe think of all that?" I finally asked. "I assume he knew what you and Jenny were doing?"
"Not at first," Piper responded. "The second time I got into the pod I was depressed and hung over. It was a spur of the moment thing, and I wasn't expecting Jenny to suggest an experimental solution."
After another sip of her drink she continued, "After that though, yeah. I kept him in the loop, he was there with me through all of it. Every time me and Jenny tried something new I let him know, kept him updated on what was happening. There wasn't much he could do, other than watch for any changes in my mood or how I was acting, but he was supportive. He wanted to see me get better as much as Jenny did."
I looked between Jenny and Piper and asked, "If it's not too personal, how did you ultimately solve the problem? What did you do that made it work?"
The two of them exchanged a look, and Piper gave Jenny a slight nodd for her to answer.
The AI explained, "The successful solution involved taking a strong existing personality trait and expanding it to cover her relationship to her body. Piper is very mission- or goal-oriented, so the answer was to help her view adapting to and accepting her circumstances as part of her assignment as a member of the Demeter's crew."
Jenny added after a moment, "I should also make the point, this wouldn't have worked if Piper didn't want it. She wanted it to work, she wanted to adapt, to accept her situation. It would never have succeeded if it was against her will. It worked because she wanted it to."
"That's what you offered me, right?" Sarah asked. "I remember at first you mentioned there was something you could do to help, but then you said I probably didn't need it."
"Not exactly," Jenny responded. "You're not as mission-oriented as Piper, that solution wouldn't have worked for you. I would have tried working with your pragmatism instead. Happily that was unnecessary."
Sarah looked thoughtful as she considered that, and all four of us were quiet again for another minute or two.
Piper broke the silence this time. "I'm positive that's why Gabe refused to use the healing pod when he really needed it. He saw his best friend go in there a dying man and come back out a depressed and distraught teenage girl. And he saw how I struggled for over a year, before Jenny got me sorted out."
She sighed as she continued, "Over the years he picked up his share of injuries and scars, but he always resisted using it. By the end he looked more like my granddad than my dad, but he was still doing the job. He'd slowed down a lot though, and six years ago it all finally caught up to him."
"Maybe he was trans?" I suggested quietly. "He obviously knew what it meant to be a trans man, you said he knew about the solutions in the Imperium. Maybe he went through that himself before you met him?"
The captain's eyes widened, "Oh crap. You might be right? I never questioned how he knew all that stuff back then, and he never talked about his past or where he was originally from."
The four of us were quiet again for a few moments, till Sarah commented "After he was gone, you operated the ship alone for six years. Until you rescued me and Amanda, and offered us jobs."
Piper nodded and answered that unasked question. "Coming across the Hammersmith like that, finding a single lifepod with only two survivors on board? The whole scenario felt like a repeat of what happened to me and El four decades back."
She blushed as she continued, "I don't know, I guess I took it as a sign that I'd been avoiding people for too long. Fate dropped you two in my path, exactly like how Gabe found me and El."
Sarah smiled, "I hope we've lived up to your expectations?"
The captain grimaced, "Honestly when I got you two on board and found out your condition Sarah, it was almost scary. I knew there was only one thing I could do to save your life, and it felt like even that was a replay of my own experience. Except I'm glad it turned out a lot better for you than it did for me."
She added, "Then Amanda wanted to use the thing too, which caught me off-guard. I understood what she wanted though, and why she wanted it. And I knew Jenny could definitely help her."
My girlfriend and I both blushed slightly.
I responded, "I'm sorry for what happened to the Hammersmith but I feel incredibly lucky to have found my way onto the Demeter. I'm grateful to both of you, Piper and Jenny, for everything you've done for me. I don't think I've ever felt happier or more comfortable than I do here and now."
Sarah raised her glass, "I can't say this is something I'd have picked for myself ahead of time, but I'm very happy with how things turned out. After the Hammersmith was lost, ending up on the Demeter was the best possible outcome. I'm alive, healthy, happy, and I've got a second chance and a new life. And I've got three great friends who are all really good people."
Me and Piper raised our glasses to that as well, and Jenny went through the motions of raising a virtual glass.
Sarah finished her drink then asked, "So did you ever get revenge on those folks who double-crossed you?"
"We eventually got back to that world again," Piper replied. "It was about two and a half, maybe three years later? Not till long after I got all my shit sorted out. By that point I really was Rebecca Piper, that wasn't just an act or something. I didn't just look like a young woman, that's who I was. Except I was a young woman with a genetically enhanced body and who was also an ex-marine and former special ops soldier, with a few decades worth of experience."
She drained her glass with another grimace, then shrugged "I went on the hunt, but never found them. I chased down some leads and dug up some information though. Near as I could find the customer who screwed us and the guys who killed El and left me for dead, they were all killed off about a year before I went looking for them. Me and Gabe both figured if they'd try that shit with us, they probably did it with other folks too. It was only a matter of time before someone returned the favour. So they got what was coming, even if it wasn't me who did it."
"The only disappointment was," she added with a frown, "I never did recover my favourite gun or my special-ops patch. They're probably both in a shallow grave somewhere, along with the guy who took them from me."
After that we were all quiet again for another couple minutes. And by that point it was getting late, and nobody seemed interested in another round of drinks. I picked up the empty glasses and took them over to the sink.
"There's one last question I have for you boss," I said as I rinsed out all the glasses. "You chose the name Rebecca right? Why don't you like using it?"
Piper sighed, "Yeah. Like I said, people started calling me Becky and I really hated that. Along with how they treated me or looked down at me... I guess I ended up with a lot of bad experiences and bad memories, that I kind of associate with that name."
"So why not pick a different name then?" Sarah asked. "Change your name, if the current one bothers you."
The captain frowned, but eventually she shook her head. "Honestly after all this time I think it'd be hard to change it. I don't like using it, but at the same time it feels like me? And that's how people know me."
I suggested, "If you don't want to try something else, then maybe you could reclaim the name for yourself? Make it yours, and make some new positive memories with it so you don't just associate it with the bad ones. I'd be happy to help with that any way I can."
"Same here," Sarah chimed in.
Jenny agreed, "I'll do what I can to help as well."
That left Piper with a thoughtful look on her face. "Maybe. I'll think about it anyways."
By that point I'd finished tidying up, and the others all got to their feet as well. We all bid each other a good night, then me and Sarah slipped into our cabin while Piper went into her own. And Jenny headed down to the hold to recharge her HPD.
As Sarah and I started getting ready for bed she smiled, "You know? Piper never actually answered my questions. Apart from the big one, I suppose."
"We can try and talk with her again tomorrow," I suggested.
She nodded as she continued getting undressed, then in a quiet voice she asked me "That stuff Piper talked about, the way she reacted after her first time in the Re/Gen capsule? That's what you were worried I was going through, right? That's why you were so concerned about me?"
"Yes," I replied softly. "What she described sounded like gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia."
I sat down on my bunk and added, "From the sound of it I think she had them both pretty bad, which makes sense to me? She was in her fifties, she had a lifetime with her original body. And she probably identified strongly with that body, or perhaps being a 'tough strong man' was a big part of her identity? Suddenly becoming someone so different would have been a huge shock to her."
My girlfriend sat down next to me. She looked thoughtful as she said, "I had fifty-eight years as a man, though I sure don't feel that old anymore."
I gave her a worried look, "You're ok though, right?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "And I can't say being a man was a huge part of how I identified myself? Engineer, sailor, officer, ship-mate, all those things came long before my body or what I looked like, or what was between my legs."
She added, "Finding out about Piper's past was an eye-opener, and I'm sorry she had to suffer like that. No regrets for myself though. I'm happy to be alive, happy to be here with you and her and Jenny. And..."
Her voice trailed off for a few seconds and she started idly playing with a lock of her long blonde hair again. It looked like she was thinking something over.
"And I'm happy to be the new me," she finally decided. "Like the captain said about how she really became Rebecca Piper in the end? That's how I feel. I'm Sarah Holloway, this is me now. The guy I used to be, he had a good run but that's not who I am anymore. I don't miss it, and if the opportunity came up to go back to what I was, I wouldn't take it."
I gave her a warm smile and a hug, "I'm glad you're happy Sarah. I'm still sorry you ended up in that position and had to make that kind of choice in the first place, just like I'm sorry Piper had to do the same thing way back when. But I'm glad both you and she are comfortable now."
"Thanks Amanda," she whispered as she hugged me back. "And thanks for looking out for me, for fussing over me about all that stuff. And for saving my life. I know I've said it before, but I really do appreciate everything you've done for me."
My head ended up leaning against her shoulder as I replied, "You're welcome Sarah. And if there's anything else I can do to help, just ask ok?"
"I can think of one or two things," she whispered.
Then with a naughty giggle she pulled me back onto the bunk with her. Sarah's lips met mine, and her hands started to explore my body.
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