Chapter 150
Translator: yun
From the stele that took up so much of my surroundings, I teleported into a vacant space. In a moment’s time, I had already walked through the small bushes and arrived at Amor’s palace.
‘He locked it. Again.’
The doors he used to always leave open as his greeting were locked again today. The ivy vines were wrapped around the door like chains.
“Brother.”
I knocked on the door. I wanted to try to pull it open but I could not because the vines had sharp thorns jutting out of them.
“… I knew it’d be like this.”
But I was determined today.
“Brother.”
I called for him for the second time.
“You’re listening, right? I know you are.”
He was ignoring me but I was sure he was listening. I don’t think he would turn a blind eye to me.
“… Brother.”
The third time I called him, it felt like my low voice was being carried by waves.
“Brother… please.”
Still, there was no answer. The moment I lowered my head, the vines wrapped around my wrist before tugging me. The vines curled along the floor as if they had a will of their own. This was Amor’s response and his meaning.
-Go back.
HIs reply was succint.
“This… This brother seriously…!”
I was immensely disappointed. But I was also worried. Why was he rejecting me? Why was he avoiding me?
I let out a sneeze as I suddenly felt a chill in the air.
“Brother… I’m telling you it’s cold out here.”
The air felt cold and it was windy. There was darkness all around me as if I had reached a space where no light can reach. It felt like I was standing alone in the middle of a swamp.
My mind was in a daze. I had suffered all day. I could not help but to feel tired.
Even though I was pretending to be calm, I was exhausted. In spite of the ache in my heart, I continued to speak in a soft and mellow voice. Nevertheless, the leaves that rustled in the wind was the only thing that replied me.
“Are you really going to be like this?”
My voice was getting smaller and smaller. Just like my mumbles which even I could barely hear, my will wavered.
As I leaned against the door and slumped down, my shawl got caught on something before it was pulled at and torn. But I was tired and exhausted so my shawl became a passing thought.
“Brother, don’t come out.”
Right, only one of us could win. My voice was getting closer.
“Do whatever you want. … Brother, I’ll be waiting here until you’re willing to meet me.”
A gust of wind blew and the vines hanging above me fluttered dizzyingly. They looked like waves. I took a brief breath before letting out a sigh along with my words.
“You know how I am, right? Once my mind’s set on something, I’ll carry it out whatever it takes. You know how stubborn I am. You couldn’t have forgotten how we first met.”
I rested my chin on my knees before blinking slowly.
“I don’t like the dark…”
Perhaps it was because I was crouching in the dark. The dark felt less cold. I wondered why I could smell a subtle fragrance in the air.
“Alright. Just don’t come out. Because I’m the one who’s going to be suffering from a cold. Not you, brother. Achoo!”
I covered my eyes with my other hand. The scent of the season dissipated from my cold fingers and rested in my eyes.
My body was getting heavier. The wind coldly swept down my spine. My body was trembling.
It was a little lonely here so I guess I should sing a song. No. My consciousness was flickering. From what I could see in the brief snippets, it looked like the vines were moving as if they were alive.
Amor.
When I raised my head, I noticed the vines drooping down. When I slowly got up and caught the vine, the door that opened gently greeted me.
Staggering forward as if I had frozen, I walked over to his room.
“What are you looking at? Are you not even going to say hi?”
Only with half his body sitting on his bed, he turned his head that had been resting on his knees to the sound of the door opening before chuckling sternly.
“Come over here.”
“I’m coming.”
Behind me, the door closed on its own with a creepy sound.
“But why… is it so cold here?”
I had a strange feeling. There was no difference in the temperature within and outside the room. I stared at the doors to the balcony that were left wide open. I slowly let out a sigh.
“… You’ll catch a cold.”
Amor glanced over and stared at me intently.
“That’s not what you came to say.”
He spat it out without any sincerity. Achoo. At the sound of my sneeze, he blatantly scanned my entire body before shaking his head.
“So why didn’t you open the door?”
“I told you to go back. Who was the one too stubborn to leave?”
He was right. He only opened the doors for me because he could not win over my stubbornness.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
But there are times when I just wanted to vent my anger.
“We don’t have to see each other everyday.”
“Why are you being so distant?”
I had gone through a lot of things so my body felt heavy and tired. I could hide it but Amor was not someone who could be easily deceived.
“Brother.”
It was not just the mood. Amor was also sitting further away from me than usual. He was clearly demarcating boundaries. I did not know whether to move as I stared at his dry expression just like the first time I met him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
It was not hard to force myself to approach him but it somehow felt like he would leave me behind if I did. I gripped my skirt harder before speaking.
“Where did you get hurt?”
Amor stared at me.
“That’s a pointless question. You already know the answer.”
“That’s not what I mean. You look more sick than usual…”
“That’s not it.”
Amor cut me off firmly.
“Since you’re here already, talk.”
Perhaps this change in treatment was too excessive. I did not know why he was doing this to me. If I had upset him unknowingly, he would not disregard me blatantly but he would cut me off when I was speaking.
“Brother.”
“Wait. Talk to me from there.”
“No. Even if you’re tired, you should look at my face and listen to me. I have a lot to say.”
“Wh-… Don’t come over!”
Amor spoke as he shook his head.
Until now, Amor had never refused my visits. He was someone who would always be bothered by them but eventually accepted them.
I knew him. And he knew me.
I immediately stood in front of him and he didn’t stop me.
The darkest area in the room was around the bed. I stared at him with my back against the moonlight.
“… Liar.”
Before long, my eyes got used to the darkness. Despite his desperate efforts to cover his face as if he did not want to be seen, he was already caught by me.
“Look at me.”
He glanced at me with a sigh as if he no longer had a choice. His messed up face. I grabbed onto the hand I had been holding harder. His hands felt hot. I wondered if I was holding a fireball instead.
“Ah…”
His rugged breaths and the subtle heat he was giving off managed to reach me through the cold air.
Only then did I know. The reason why he left the windows open and why he was keeping me away.
A line from the novel I read so long ago flowed into my mind like a lie.
-The weak and friendly prince was extremely ill.
It was because he had given Rusbella a gift. The foolish prince exhausted his strength to hand the gift over to his beloved woman and in exchange, he laid down in great pain. .
“You’ll need this.”
Had he been terribly sick in the novel? He was. He got sick for a few days and only got weaker gradually. Right. He gave me a drug.
“… Is it… Is it because of me?”
“You know it’s an illness if you hallucinate too much?”
This man transformed me. He gave me a drug that helped me overcome crises. He was only sick now because he gave me that drug.
“… No.”
His red face that was finally revealed smiled coolly.
“I already told you it’s not. Stop looking at me like that.”
The expression he had when he said that was so red and looked like he was bearing a lot of pain. Why did he keep doing this?
For what reason?
Why!
I hurriedly knelt on the rug on the floor.
“Let’s promise each other to only tell the truth from now on.”
“You. Let go of me.”
“Don’t even think of tricking me. Are you in pain now because of the drug you gave me? Tell me. I’m right, aren’t I?”
“…..”
As soon as I spat out everything I wanted to say in a hurry, my breath halted. Only self-hate poured out of me.
“Seriously… so it was because of me.’
Tremble.
As I shivered in the cold wind, he clicked his tongue loudly and nodded.
The curtain fell upon me slowly.
Crash.
He looked at the closed balcony doors for a moment before turning his head.
“That’s enough about me. Tell me about you.”
“No. Was that even considered a talk?”
“Do it.”
He slowly blinked his eyes. He gradually leaned on his bed’s headboard before tilting his head.
“If you say anything about it, I’ll kick you out.”
He had no choice but to shut up.
“You’re a cheapskate.”
I had a lot to say. But I could not say anything but that he was sick.
Come to think of it, Amor handed me the drugs after hearing that I was heading out of the palace, right? It was as if he already knew. That someone might recognise my face. Perhaps he knew that I was going to meet Hernan.
Actually, the drugs were not that efficient. So, him spending too much energy to make the drugs was not a good enough explanation. He still told me to use it whenever I was in danger.
When I met Hernan outside the palace, did Amor already know what was going to happen? So, he already knew the other side of Hernan? Was he worried about that?
“I met the duke outside. I had been preparing for the festival but Hernan suddenly appeared in front of me.”
I spoke honestly.
“… Alright.”
“And at the place we met, I was kidnapped. Brother, it’s hard for me to understand his sudden appearance… Why is he completely different in the palace… How should I put this? It felt like he had changed. Only his appearance remained and his person completely changed.”
I smiled slowly and hazily.
“The more I know about the secrets around me, the more it feels like I’m falling into darkness.”
I met the man and eventually found out who he was in the end.
‘I found out about that too.’
The fact that he tried to save me made me unhappy.
I wanted to know about the secrets surrounding me. The more I learnt, the scarier I got.
“Why?”
“They’re nothing like I expected.”
He did not kill me but neither could he save me. How should I accept that fact now?
It was a sad and suffocating feeling.
“Now that I’m learning about them, one by one… I want to pretend that I didn’t.”
In the midst of my confusion and shock, I could not hate him or forgive him. Eventually, I could only place him in a vague gray area and pretended not to notice him.
“Then, do it like this.”
Now, I was no longer curious why Amor gave me the drugs and how he knew Hernan and I would meet.
It was not good to know everything. Even though I knew the future, knew my deaths and even knew about the fall of the Empire, there were very little things I could do.
“Why am I here?”
I had always been curious. I had gotten so much younger but for some reason or another I was just unhappy.
Chapter 150
Translator: yun
From the stele that took up so much of my surroundings, I teleported into a vacant space. In a moment’s time, I had already walked through the small bushes and arrived at Amor’s palace.
‘He locked it. Again.’
The doors he used to always leave open as his greeting were locked again today. The ivy vines were wrapped around the door like chains.
“Brother.”
I knocked on the door. I wanted to try to pull it open but I could not because the vines had sharp thorns jutting out of them.
“… I knew it’d be like this.”
But I was determined today.
“Brother.”
I called for him for the second time.
“You’re listening, right? I know you are.”
He was ignoring me but I was sure he was listening. I don’t think he would turn a blind eye to me.
“… Brother.”
The third time I called him, it felt like my low voice was being carried by waves.
“Brother… please.”
Still, there was no answer. The moment I lowered my head, the vines wrapped around my wrist before tugging me. The vines curled along the floor as if they had a will of their own. This was Amor’s response and his meaning.
-Go back.
HIs reply was succint.
“This… This brother seriously…!”
I was immensely disappointed. But I was also worried. Why was he rejecting me? Why was he avoiding me?
I let out a sneeze as I suddenly felt a chill in the air.
“Brother… I’m telling you it’s cold out here.”
The air felt cold and it was windy. There was darkness all around me as if I had reached a space where no light can reach. It felt like I was standing alone in the middle of a swamp.
My mind was in a daze. I had suffered all day. I could not help but to feel tired.
Even though I was pretending to be calm, I was exhausted. In spite of the ache in my heart, I continued to speak in a soft and mellow voice. Nevertheless, the leaves that rustled in the wind was the only thing that replied me.
“Are you really going to be like this?”
My voice was getting smaller and smaller. Just like my mumbles which even I could barely hear, my will wavered.
As I leaned against the door and slumped down, my shawl got caught on something before it was pulled at and torn. But I was tired and exhausted so my shawl became a passing thought.
“Brother, don’t come out.”
Right, only one of us could win. My voice was getting closer.
“Do whatever you want. … Brother, I’ll be waiting here until you’re willing to meet me.”
A gust of wind blew and the vines hanging above me fluttered dizzyingly. They looked like waves. I took a brief breath before letting out a sigh along with my words.
“You know how I am, right? Once my mind’s set on something, I’ll carry it out whatever it takes. You know how stubborn I am. You couldn’t have forgotten how we first met.”
I rested my chin on my knees before blinking slowly.
“I don’t like the dark…”
Perhaps it was because I was crouching in the dark. The dark felt less cold. I wondered why I could smell a subtle fragrance in the air.
“Alright. Just don’t come out. Because I’m the one who’s going to be suffering from a cold. Not you, brother. Achoo!”
I covered my eyes with my other hand. The scent of the season dissipated from my cold fingers and rested in my eyes.
My body was getting heavier. The wind coldly swept down my spine. My body was trembling.
It was a little lonely here so I guess I should sing a song. No. My consciousness was flickering. From what I could see in the brief snippets, it looked like the vines were moving as if they were alive.
Amor.
When I raised my head, I noticed the vines drooping down. When I slowly got up and caught the vine, the door that opened gently greeted me.
Staggering forward as if I had frozen, I walked over to his room.
“What are you looking at? Are you not even going to say hi?”
Only with half his body sitting on his bed, he turned his head that had been resting on his knees to the sound of the door opening before chuckling sternly.
“Come over here.”
“I’m coming.”
Behind me, the door closed on its own with a creepy sound.
“But why… is it so cold here?”
I had a strange feeling. There was no difference in the temperature within and outside the room. I stared at the doors to the balcony that were left wide open. I slowly let out a sigh.
“… You’ll catch a cold.”
Amor glanced over and stared at me intently.
“That’s not what you came to say.”
He spat it out without any sincerity. Achoo. At the sound of my sneeze, he blatantly scanned my entire body before shaking his head.
“So why didn’t you open the door?”
“I told you to go back. Who was the one too stubborn to leave?”
He was right. He only opened the doors for me because he could not win over my stubbornness.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
But there are times when I just wanted to vent my anger.
“We don’t have to see each other everyday.”
“Why are you being so distant?”
I had gone through a lot of things so my body felt heavy and tired. I could hide it but Amor was not someone who could be easily deceived.
“Brother.”
It was not just the mood. Amor was also sitting further away from me than usual. He was clearly demarcating boundaries. I did not know whether to move as I stared at his dry expression just like the first time I met him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
It was not hard to force myself to approach him but it somehow felt like he would leave me behind if I did. I gripped my skirt harder before speaking.
“Where did you get hurt?”
Amor stared at me.
“That’s a pointless question. You already know the answer.”
“That’s not what I mean. You look more sick than usual…”
“That’s not it.”
Amor cut me off firmly.
“Since you’re here already, talk.”
Perhaps this change in treatment was too excessive. I did not know why he was doing this to me. If I had upset him unknowingly, he would not disregard me blatantly but he would cut me off when I was speaking.
“Brother.”
“Wait. Talk to me from there.”
“No. Even if you’re tired, you should look at my face and listen to me. I have a lot to say.”
“Wh-… Don’t come over!”
Amor spoke as he shook his head.
Until now, Amor had never refused my visits. He was someone who would always be bothered by them but eventually accepted them.
I knew him. And he knew me.
I immediately stood in front of him and he didn’t stop me.
The darkest area in the room was around the bed. I stared at him with my back against the moonlight.
“… Liar.”
Before long, my eyes got used to the darkness. Despite his desperate efforts to cover his face as if he did not want to be seen, he was already caught by me.
“Look at me.”
He glanced at me with a sigh as if he no longer had a choice. His messed up face. I grabbed onto the hand I had been holding harder. His hands felt hot. I wondered if I was holding a fireball instead.
“Ah…”
His rugged breaths and the subtle heat he was giving off managed to reach me through the cold air.
Only then did I know. The reason why he left the windows open and why he was keeping me away.
A line from the novel I read so long ago flowed into my mind like a lie.
-The weak and friendly prince was extremely ill.
It was because he had given Rusbella a gift. The foolish prince exhausted his strength to hand the gift over to his beloved woman and in exchange, he laid down in great pain. .
“You’ll need this.”
Had he been terribly sick in the novel? He was. He got sick for a few days and only got weaker gradually. Right. He gave me a drug.
“… Is it… Is it because of me?”
“You know it’s an illness if you hallucinate too much?”
This man transformed me. He gave me a drug that helped me overcome crises. He was only sick now because he gave me that drug.
“… No.”
His red face that was finally revealed smiled coolly.
“I already told you it’s not. Stop looking at me like that.”
The expression he had when he said that was so red and looked like he was bearing a lot of pain. Why did he keep doing this?
For what reason?
Why!
I hurriedly knelt on the rug on the floor.
“Let’s promise each other to only tell the truth from now on.”
“You. Let go of me.”
“Don’t even think of tricking me. Are you in pain now because of the drug you gave me? Tell me. I’m right, aren’t I?”
“…..”
As soon as I spat out everything I wanted to say in a hurry, my breath halted. Only self-hate poured out of me.
“Seriously… so it was because of me.’
Tremble.
As I shivered in the cold wind, he clicked his tongue loudly and nodded.
The curtain fell upon me slowly.
Crash.
He looked at the closed balcony doors for a moment before turning his head.
“That’s enough about me. Tell me about you.”
“No. Was that even considered a talk?”
“Do it.”
He slowly blinked his eyes. He gradually leaned on his bed’s headboard before tilting his head.
“If you say anything about it, I’ll kick you out.”
He had no choice but to shut up.
“You’re a cheapskate.”
I had a lot to say. But I could not say anything but that he was sick.
Come to think of it, Amor handed me the drugs after hearing that I was heading out of the palace, right? It was as if he already knew. That someone might recognise my face. Perhaps he knew that I was going to meet Hernan.
Actually, the drugs were not that efficient. So, him spending too much energy to make the drugs was not a good enough explanation. He still told me to use it whenever I was in danger.
When I met Hernan outside the palace, did Amor already know what was going to happen? So, he already knew the other side of Hernan? Was he worried about that?
“I met the duke outside. I had been preparing for the festival but Hernan suddenly appeared in front of me.”
I spoke honestly.
“… Alright.”
“And at the place we met, I was kidnapped. Brother, it’s hard for me to understand his sudden appearance… Why is he completely different in the palace… How should I put this? It felt like he had changed. Only his appearance remained and his person completely changed.”
I smiled slowly and hazily.
“The more I know about the secrets around me, the more it feels like I’m falling into darkness.”
I met the man and eventually found out who he was in the end.
‘I found out about that too.’
The fact that he tried to save me made me unhappy.
I wanted to know about the secrets surrounding me. The more I learnt, the scarier I got.
“Why?”
“They’re nothing like I expected.”
He did not kill me but neither could he save me. How should I accept that fact now?
It was a sad and suffocating feeling.
“Now that I’m learning about them, one by one… I want to pretend that I didn’t.”
In the midst of my confusion and shock, I could not hate him or forgive him. Eventually, I could only place him in a vague gray area and pretended not to notice him.
“Then, do it like this.”
Now, I was no longer curious why Amor gave me the drugs and how he knew Hernan and I would meet.
It was not good to know everything. Even though I knew the future, knew my deaths and even knew about the fall of the Empire, there were very little things I could do.
“Why am I here?”
I had always been curious. I had gotten so much younger but for some reason or another I was just unhappy.
