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In Dying Starlight - Chapter 10.14

Published at 24th of April 2023 05:37:10 AM


Chapter 10.14

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I wait for her to keep pushing, and it takes her a full five minutes of silence to ask, “Is this about me or the entire situation?”

“What?”

“Oh for star’s sake,” she mutters. “Don’t what me, I know you’re upset.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Aaron.”

“Yvonne.”

She pinches the bridge of her nose, leaning against the tree across from me so she can stare in judgment. I stare, deadpan, before dropping my head back and staring at the rain dripping off the leaves onto my face. If she’s silent, I don’t really have to talk to her.

“I’m not gonna let it go,” she warns. “I can tell you’re upset and I want you to tell me, maybe I can make you feel better about whatever it is.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t concern yourself so much.”

It seems, in the dark, as if she raises her eyebrows. “I want to concern myself.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem,” I grumble, heading off into the trees. Running away at an actual jog is too much for my pride, but apparently stalking off isn’t.

“What?” I hear her ask and she follows me. Should’ve kept my mouth shut.

“Nothing, I’d just like some quiet every once in a million years.”

“Sorry, not buying it. You got grumpy all at once.”

I can hear her picking her way through the forest after me, she isn’t exactly quiet. “It’s none of your business.”

“Well, of course it isn’t, but that’s never stopped me before.”

Any other time, I might’ve laughed. I didn’t expect her following me to make my throat hurt and it difficult to breathe, but here we are.

Get. A damn. Grip. Aaron.

“I’m just going for a walk,” I say.

“Do you really want me to leave you alone?”

Something in her voice stops me. “Yes.”

“You don’t sound very convincing.”

Don’t I? I’m pretty certain I do. Maybe my voice is betraying me. Wouldn’t be the first time.

“I think whatever you’re pissed at me about, it’s better to have it out. I won’t go away.”

Guilt stops me from walking away again. Quieter, I say, “I’m not pissed at you.”

“You seem like it.”

“I’m not.”

She nods a little, folding her arms like she’s trying to hug herself. “Who are you mad at, then?”

I shrug. “Myself, probably, that seems pretty normal.”

I was trying to sound light-hearted, but think I had the opposite effect.

“Over what?”

I do not want to have this conversation, but much like Zane and Lalia, I don’t think she’s going to give up with this type of topic. I need to learn to fake being happy.

Uncertain how to answer, I eventually settle on, “Letting you get near me.”

She makes an exasperated movement. “Are you sure this is about me? This is a lot of emotion and stress from their parents and all the talk about Amerov and that fever. Do you think—”

“I’m fully capable of knowing what’s pissing me off, thanks,” I snap.

Her hair is undone from Anya’s braiding and plastered down it the rain. She runs her hands through it before resting them on her hips, looking into the forest. “Okay, okay, sorry. You’re right. But you were alright with me at Lex and Abraham’s. Actually, you seemed happy. What happened?”

“Maybe I got a clue,” I grumble, knowing that isn’t really an answer but lacking a better one.

“A clue about what? I thought you like me, too?”

She sounds so incredibly hurt I can’t move my feet to walk away. Weakly, I say, “I do.”

“And you’re unhappy that you do.” It isn’t a question.

“Not really.” Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I’m not helping move this conversation forward. Doesn’t help I want to make a run for it. Preferably off a cliff.

She shrugs helplessly. “Aaron, you’re losing me—”

“I’m unhappy because you don’t make any sense,” I snap, louder than I mean to.

It’s too dark to see much of her expression, but her head cocks a little. “Oh.”

“Oh what?”

“You still don’t get that I like you, so you’re freaking out about it.”

I shove my hands in my pockets, despising how understanding she sounds. It’s so easy in her eyes, and it makes me want to scream.

“It’s not as simple as that. You try to sum up everything so simple. You have no idea how the universe works and you think you do, but this is not how any of this works. People like you do not want to get all snug and cozy with people like me. I don’t know what type of pet project I am to you, but none of this—” I wave my hands in her direction “—is how people are supposed to react to me. Especially not a woman who grew up with everything she could ever want, having every single person she’s ever met adore her, and has no reason to be scared of anything. I don’t know what you’ve fooled yourself into thinking is happening here, but I’m an inhuman machine serving as your personal transport until you get home and promptly forget I’ve ever existed!”

Rainy silence echoes. I didn’t expect to say so much, didn’t want to, because now I sound hurt and vulnerable and I’ve already had too much of that before Zane and Lalia for one lifetime. I expect her to stomp off. One argument, one set of insults, should be enough for her to snap out of it. That wasn’t the intention, but at least it’ll fix this unnatural set of circumstances.

Softly, she says, “You really think that about yourself, don’t you?”

Did she miss the part where I called her an idiot? I just glare, lost for something to say now that I’ve let her drag all that rambling out of me.

Before I can think to back off or make a run for it, she steps up and carefully puts her arms around my middle, resting her head against my chest. I take a belated step back, but it doesn’t do much to unlatch her. My throat burns.

“You didn’t hear a thing I said,” I say, but my voice sounds so rough it isn’t convincing. “Just let go of me.”

She shakes her head and makes a strange movement. Vaguely, I realize she’s crying.

I made her cry.

I don’t know what I expected, but that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I try to unlatch her arms from around me, but she’s surprisingly strong when she wants to be, and I don’t want to hurt her.

“You have no idea how people work, do you?” she mumbles, and I stop my struggle with her grip. “I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense to you, we don’t usually make much sense, anyway. You can insult yourself all you want, it doesn’t change my feelings.”

Oh, for star’s sake. “Exactly what feelings do you think you’re talking about?”

“I care for you.”

No one’s said that to me before. Or even hinted. Unless they wanted something. “You sound insane.”

She shrugs, still wrapped around me. “I don’t think I do.”

“You and the galaxy can have a disagreement.”

“Don’t care.”

What the hell kind of argument is this? “You should.”

“Why?”

“Because there is not a single reason why you should be doing this—”

“I disagree.”

“What do you mean you disagree—”

She finally releases me but doesn’t step away, staring up at my face in the dark. I grind my jaw. It takes everything I have not to walk away.

“You want reasons?” Her voice cracks. “Will a list convince you? Here, I’ll start simple: I’ve laughed with you more in the past two months than I have in the past year. I feel safer any time I’m standing next to you than when I have my parents’ armed guard around me. I can talk to you without worrying I’m going to say something improper or unbecoming of my station, and you actually listen to me when I talk. Even if you pretend like you’re ignoring me, I can see your expressions, you do know that, right?”

I glance at the closest tree, face burning.

She continues, “You care about the people around you even if you act like a grumpy rock, you rescue children and help random families who don’t deserve you. Even when you make bad decisions or screw something up it’s because you’re trying to do the right thing, even if you bitch about it the entire time—”

“Okay, I get it—”

“I like being next to you. I like it when you let me hug you. I like feeling your arms around me whenever you have to help me or pick me up. I like that you lean back against me when I kiss you even though you lean away from basically everyone else—”

“Okay!”

She folds her arms. “And for the record, that was embarrassing for me too, so you better appreciate it.”

I stare at the closest tree, not knowing what to do. What am I supposed to say to something that ridiculous? Maybe she got hit too hard in the head at some point in this whole journey. Either way, she sounds honest. Sounds like she means it. If nothing else, there’s too much emotion in her voice to be completely lying.

“You still don’t believe me, do you?”

I shrug. I haven’t cried in years, and I’ll be dammed if I do it now, over this. I shouldn’t care so much for how she feels for me. It shouldn’t provide so much relief that she said those things. I should be stronger than this, colder than this. I swallow until my throat hurts less.

“Well, I don’t care if nothing I say is going to help, I’ll just do my best to keep proving it to you, eventually you’ll see,” she mumbles.

I don’t understand why anyone would have that much consideration for me. And I don’t know how she thinks she’s going to prove it. I can’t bring myself to tell her not to bother.

She tugs my hand out from where I’ve stuffed it in my pocket. Her fingers are cold from the rain. I’d almost forgotten we’re being soaked. And that Bat is probably crouched in one of the trees, watching us. I glare into the branches but can’t find his heat signature.

Yvonne leans her forehead against the base of my throat, mumbling, “It’s going to be alright, Aaron. We’re going to be okay. All of it will be.”

You can’t possibly know that, I nearly say, but still don’t know how to push words past the tightness in my chest. I don’t even want to fight her on this, not anymore.

When she stands on her toes enough to wrap her arms around my neck, I let myself lean against her.





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