What do I do?
What do I do?
How am I supposed to live?
“Would it be easier if I just died along with my parents?”
Inside a confessional booth, Raymond asked the priest who was his relative. The priest then answered, clutching the hem of Raymond’s sleeve.
“God puts the people he loves up to a test. You should not doubt His love.”
“So God gave me such a test because He loves me?”
“…What He plans for us is… so very profound that it’s sometimes difficult for people to understand.”
The priest’s words could not reach Raymond. However, Raymond did not lash out at the priest. He was too young to tell an adult about the injustices of life.
Still, he felt a sense of frustration, so he asked.
“Is that also the same answer He has given to other people?”
“…Yes. The test that God provides is… truly, very hard. We can only beg that He does not put us to trial, or that He gives us a test that we can handle.”
“Then, my parents couldn’t bear the test?”
He thought of his own parents. Raymond remained unconvinced. Still, the priest quickly denied Raymond’s suspicions. He needed to say something appropriate to the child. He needed to soothe and comfort him.
“No, that’s not it. It’s just that, good people come back to God’s embrace quickly. There are many things they’ll be doing in heaven.”
“Then people who are still alive aren’t good? Are you and I still suffering because we are sinners?”
“……”
The priest looked terribly distressed. If Raymond was a little older than he was now, he wouldn’t bother this sincere, countryside priest who was his relative.
However, Raymond was young, and he was suffocating in his own pain.
“Rather than being tested like this, if I was buried with my parents, wouldn’t all the pain go away?”
“Raymond!”
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t say that. Being alive is a blessing. And it cannot be right to think of death. Don’t ever say that in front of me ever again. Your life has been given to you by the Lord, but if you regard it carelessly, you will be sent to hell.”
Why was it a sin for a living person to think of death? It was so, so hard to continue living, but why was it a sin to want to go back to His Arms? Why was it a sin to be together again with his loved ones, who went before him?
Questions poured one after another, but Raymond could no longer speak about the dead.
Because the priest looked even more distressed now.
So, Raymond asked something that’s easier to hear.
“How can I get along with my older brother?”
This question allowed the priest’s expression to lighten up a little.
Now that the priest could regard Raymond as a younger brother who had a disagreement with his older brother—rather than as a child who lost his parents—it was much less burdensome.
“The Baron is ill. I’m sure that he can overcome it if you support him as his family.”
It’s fine.
Brother is sick.
That’s what Raymond believed. Light once again shone in the sky. And Raymond decided to try harder. He wasn’t ill, but the baron was ill. There must be a reason why it’s like this. A reason that humans couldn’t understand. There’s no need to be frustrated by this. There’s no need to be sad. Humans had their own limitations.
All he had to do was forgive his brother and love him.
He should just do his best.
There’s no need to dislike someone who’s ill. No need to hate.
His duty as family was to love.
To love and to care.
“This is my younger brother, Raymond.”
And then, one day, that man came.
Verdic Evans.
* * *
When Raymond first met Verdic, he couldn’t get rid of the impression that he had already seen that face from somewhere before. Verdic looked too young to be a middle-aged man, but too old to be a young man.
“Young Lord Raymond. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yes. And your name is…”
“I am Verdic Evans. I’m sure we’ve met once before. I was present as a sponsor at Count Landon’s gathering last time.”
Where exactly did they meet? Raymond tried to recall. He traced back through his not-so-long experience, but he couldn’t be too sure.
Raymond hadn’t met any aristocrats other than his relatives alone just yet. And when he was meeting others with his family, he didn’t have the responsibility of greeting them. He wasn’t old enough yet.
“I apologize. I haven’t been very attentive lately, Mister Verdic Evans.”
But from now one, he would need to remember and behave.
Raymond shook Verdic’s hand. He was a normal man with a moderate grip, with a moderate height. The soft texture of his hands imparted that he didn’t seem to enjoy hunting. This was what Raymond thought as he held the man’s oddly smooth hand. Gripping the boy’s hand, Verdic grinned.
“There is no need. It was a lie.”
“…What?”
“It was a lie, Young Lord Raymond. Just a small joke.”
It was fun for the man to see Raymond panicking.
Verdic then turned to the baron and smiled as he spoke.
“As you said, Baron, he’s a good young master who can’t tell even a small lie.”
“And as you can see, he’s also healthy. His looks are also fine.”
“Yes, I suppose so. Right now… He looks very much like the late former baron.”
Looking carefully at Raymond’s chin, Verdic grabbed the boy by the shoulder.
“He’s quite tall for his age, and it seems like he’ll grow even taller. That’s good.”
“What are you doing right now?”
Raymond struck Verdic’s hand. It’s unpleasant. It was not polite for anyone to be this close, especially when it’s your first meeting. Besides that, the man’s attitude right now wasn’t indicative of familiarity or anything.
A ‘commodity’.
That’s how Verdic’s eyes were looking at him, like choosing a cow or a sheep.
“How unpleasant. Why are you being like this to me?”
When Raymond protested, the baron growled.
“Raymond. Be polite in front of Mister Verdic.”
His remark showed more consideration towards Verdic.
“Haha, don’t be so harsh on him. Isn’t he still young? And family members need to get along well with each other.”
Why was this stranger trying to interfere in their family affairs? Who was this stranger who was casually spewing such words that their relatives would also cautiously utter?
But Raymond couldn’t speak hastily here. Those two men were conversing without any concern towards Raymond’s presence here.
“If this doesn’t please you, then I’ll fix his attitude.”
“No, no. It’s fine, but… I do think that educating him would be necessary.”
“…I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Very well. Hm.”
Then, Verdic stared at Raymond with a slightly strained smile. The baron turned to look at Raymond as well.
“Mister Verdic Evans. You and Brother, what are you both talking about?”
“He has a slightly confrontational disposition.”
“I apologize about that, Mister Verdic. Raymond, leave the room. The adults need to talk.”
“No, Baron, it’s alright. He’ll need to hold fast to that masculine aspect of his, too.”
Witnessing how that man continued to speak of him without care for his presence here, Raymond stood up. Because the baron clenched his hands into fists.
When Raymond rose to his feet, he saw Verdic’s greasy hair. And he finally figured out why he thought he had seen him before, when in fact, they had never met before this day.
This man looked very much like an ordinary nobleman. As though desperately dressing himself up as one.
Verdic left their residence only after a long time had passed. And as soon as that man left, Raymond quickly knocked on the door of the baron’s office. His fear of the baron was set aside for the curiosity he was feeling now.
More importantly, they had been talking about him.
“Marriage? Me?”
“I also got engaged when I was around your age. Even though that engagement got broken off because of my depreciated value. Isn’t it nice, Raymond? You’re going to be a rich family’s son-in-law now. You might not be aware because you’re still young, but the Evans family is extremely well off. Good for you.”
What do I do?
What do I do?
How am I supposed to live?
“Would it be easier if I just died along with my parents?”
Inside a confessional booth, Raymond asked the priest who was his relative. The priest then answered, clutching the hem of Raymond’s sleeve.
“God puts the people he loves up to a test. You should not doubt His love.”
“So God gave me such a test because He loves me?”
“…What He plans for us is… so very profound that it’s sometimes difficult for people to understand.”
The priest’s words could not reach Raymond. However, Raymond did not lash out at the priest. He was too young to tell an adult about the injustices of life.
Still, he felt a sense of frustration, so he asked.
“Is that also the same answer He has given to other people?”
“…Yes. The test that God provides is… truly, very hard. We can only beg that He does not put us to trial, or that He gives us a test that we can handle.”
“Then, my parents couldn’t bear the test?”
He thought of his own parents. Raymond remained unconvinced. Still, the priest quickly denied Raymond’s suspicions. He needed to say something appropriate to the child. He needed to soothe and comfort him.
“No, that’s not it. It’s just that, good people come back to God’s embrace quickly. There are many things they’ll be doing in heaven.”
“Then people who are still alive aren’t good? Are you and I still suffering because we are sinners?”
“……”
The priest looked terribly distressed. If Raymond was a little older than he was now, he wouldn’t bother this sincere, countryside priest who was his relative.
However, Raymond was young, and he was suffocating in his own pain.
“Rather than being tested like this, if I was buried with my parents, wouldn’t all the pain go away?”
“Raymond!”
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t say that. Being alive is a blessing. And it cannot be right to think of death. Don’t ever say that in front of me ever again. Your life has been given to you by the Lord, but if you regard it carelessly, you will be sent to hell.”
Why was it a sin for a living person to think of death? It was so, so hard to continue living, but why was it a sin to want to go back to His Arms? Why was it a sin to be together again with his loved ones, who went before him?
Questions poured one after another, but Raymond could no longer speak about the dead.
Because the priest looked even more distressed now.
So, Raymond asked something that’s easier to hear.
“How can I get along with my older brother?”
This question allowed the priest’s expression to lighten up a little.
Now that the priest could regard Raymond as a younger brother who had a disagreement with his older brother—rather than as a child who lost his parents—it was much less burdensome.
“The Baron is ill. I’m sure that he can overcome it if you support him as his family.”
It’s fine.
Brother is sick.
That’s what Raymond believed. Light once again shone in the sky. And Raymond decided to try harder. He wasn’t ill, but the baron was ill. There must be a reason why it’s like this. A reason that humans couldn’t understand. There’s no need to be frustrated by this. There’s no need to be sad. Humans had their own limitations.
All he had to do was forgive his brother and love him.
He should just do his best.
There’s no need to dislike someone who’s ill. No need to hate.
His duty as family was to love.
To love and to care.
“This is my younger brother, Raymond.”
And then, one day, that man came.
Verdic Evans.
* * *
When Raymond first met Verdic, he couldn’t get rid of the impression that he had already seen that face from somewhere before. Verdic looked too young to be a middle-aged man, but too old to be a young man.
“Young Lord Raymond. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yes. And your name is…”
“I am Verdic Evans. I’m sure we’ve met once before. I was present as a sponsor at Count Landon’s gathering last time.”
Where exactly did they meet? Raymond tried to recall. He traced back through his not-so-long experience, but he couldn’t be too sure.
Raymond hadn’t met any aristocrats other than his relatives alone just yet. And when he was meeting others with his family, he didn’t have the responsibility of greeting them. He wasn’t old enough yet.
“I apologize. I haven’t been very attentive lately, Mister Verdic Evans.”
But from now one, he would need to remember and behave.
Raymond shook Verdic’s hand. He was a normal man with a moderate grip, with a moderate height. The soft texture of his hands imparted that he didn’t seem to enjoy hunting. This was what Raymond thought as he held the man’s oddly smooth hand. Gripping the boy’s hand, Verdic grinned.
“There is no need. It was a lie.”
“…What?”
“It was a lie, Young Lord Raymond. Just a small joke.”
It was fun for the man to see Raymond panicking.
Verdic then turned to the baron and smiled as he spoke.
“As you said, Baron, he’s a good young master who can’t tell even a small lie.”
“And as you can see, he’s also healthy. His looks are also fine.”
“Yes, I suppose so. Right now… He looks very much like the late former baron.”
Looking carefully at Raymond’s chin, Verdic grabbed the boy by the shoulder.
“He’s quite tall for his age, and it seems like he’ll grow even taller. That’s good.”
“What are you doing right now?”
Raymond struck Verdic’s hand. It’s unpleasant. It was not polite for anyone to be this close, especially when it’s your first meeting. Besides that, the man’s attitude right now wasn’t indicative of familiarity or anything.
A ‘commodity’.
That’s how Verdic’s eyes were looking at him, like choosing a cow or a sheep.
“How unpleasant. Why are you being like this to me?”
When Raymond protested, the baron growled.
“Raymond. Be polite in front of Mister Verdic.”
His remark showed more consideration towards Verdic.
“Haha, don’t be so harsh on him. Isn’t he still young? And family members need to get along well with each other.”
Why was this stranger trying to interfere in their family affairs? Who was this stranger who was casually spewing such words that their relatives would also cautiously utter?
But Raymond couldn’t speak hastily here. Those two men were conversing without any concern towards Raymond’s presence here.
“If this doesn’t please you, then I’ll fix his attitude.”
“No, no. It’s fine, but… I do think that educating him would be necessary.”
“…I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Very well. Hm.”
Then, Verdic stared at Raymond with a slightly strained smile. The baron turned to look at Raymond as well.
“Mister Verdic Evans. You and Brother, what are you both talking about?”
“He has a slightly confrontational disposition.”
“I apologize about that, Mister Verdic. Raymond, leave the room. The adults need to talk.”
“No, Baron, it’s alright. He’ll need to hold fast to that masculine aspect of his, too.”
Witnessing how that man continued to speak of him without care for his presence here, Raymond stood up. Because the baron clenched his hands into fists.
When Raymond rose to his feet, he saw Verdic’s greasy hair. And he finally figured out why he thought he had seen him before, when in fact, they had never met before this day.
This man looked very much like an ordinary nobleman. As though desperately dressing himself up as one.
Verdic left their residence only after a long time had passed. And as soon as that man left, Raymond quickly knocked on the door of the baron’s office. His fear of the baron was set aside for the curiosity he was feeling now.
More importantly, they had been talking about him.
“Marriage? Me?”
“I also got engaged when I was around your age. Even though that engagement got broken off because of my depreciated value. Isn’t it nice, Raymond? You’re going to be a rich family’s son-in-law now. You might not be aware because you’re still young, but the Evans family is extremely well off. Good for you.”
