My chest is heavy like something is pressing down on me.
It’s taken time for the realization to fully settle inside me. That the future I was dreaming of has been stolen from me, and even if I find Rea again she’ll be a different person to who she is today. I’m losing someone, no matter what happens next.
I want to cry.
Gritting my teeth, I press the feeling down.
I’m not alone.
The kids are joyous, which is strange in some ways, but not so strange in others.
They’re half-starved, their clothes are closer to rags, and they have scrapes and bruises all over. I’m sure that they’ve had rough lives so far, and there’s no guarantee that life will be better tomorrow. The city isn’t in a good condition at the moment, and they could die any day even just because a passing stranger decided to cause them trouble.
But they have each other. They have a family, and even if I’m not good at reading people, I can see that they’re a family. The way they look up to Lothar, and the way they look at each other…
But they still push and shove each other around. There are a few kids up the back of the room who are more distant. Are they part of the family too? Are they like me, not quite fitting in? Does that mean that we aren’t family?
I just don’t know.
Everyone is welcoming of me, and we’ll be spending time together on the long road back to Snowspring. What sort of relationship will that be?
Lothar’s smile is wide as he lifts a little boy up and spins him around, but the boy doesn’t know all the secrets that we’re keeping from him. They still care about each other anyway. So, what does it mean to love each other?
Rea wanted me to leave. She wanted to forget me because she loved me, didn’t she? I know that she had feelings for me, like the feelings that I have for her.
“How long has it been since you last came here?” I ask Lothar as we step outside, Ruby walking with us for a few steps before we stop at the curb.
“What do you mean?” He asks.
“They’re kids, some of them wouldn’t have been around when you were last here, right?” I ask. “But… the way they’re all so happy to treat you…”
“We’re family,” he says, chuckling warmly. “We’re from the same home, so we’re family. That’s how it works here. No one else is around to take care of us, well that’s not entirely true anymore, but still, we look out for each other. Train the kids who want to train, and donate what money we can to keep food on the table.”
“I’m sure you’ll be happy to have them closer to home, then?” Ruby asks.
“Not really, the little runts are going to cause us trouble to no end,” Lothar laughs a little heavier. “If they get into half as much trouble as I did… we’ll have to look out for them.”
“We will,” I agree, nodding firmly. He’s been looking out for me as well, and he’s done more than he’s ever had to. Even though he hates my magic, he’s protected me while I’m training. He’s helped me to make it back safely when all he had to do was sit back and leave me to get killed when I was unconscious.
I don’t know how to feel about it. He still hates a part of me, but that doesn’t mean that he hates me.
“Syr,” Ruby squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll see you again sometime. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll even be coming along with you. Depends on my new orders.”
“I hope so,” I say, ignoring Lothar’s grumpy expression.
“Me too,” she says, rubbing at my head before she leaves.
She disappears quickly, but never seems like she’s rushing. It’s how a predator moves.
“You…” Lothar presses his lips together leading us back to the mercenary house. I keep an eye out for any vampires, but nothing is moving in the shadows and the people around us only seem worried about us. “Why do you still like her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ruby, you know that she set that situation up so that you’d have to kill those men. You know that she’s not a good person, not even nearly. So why are you so happy to have her around? Do you really… would you rather go with her or stay with us?”
Where did this come from? Is he worried about me leaving?
“She’s… if you go with her, she’ll involve you in more murders. People like her will use your magic for themselves. They’re not monsters, they’ll have their own reasons, good reasons sometimes, but Syr that’s not… you can have a better life than that.”
“Lothar,” I stop, gripping his hand. “Thank you. I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask. That and try not to get found out,” he says, not looking down at me. “We’re trying our best to look out for you.”
“I know,” I say, standing up a little straighter. “I know. I would be safer if I would stop fighting. I could live a quiet life in Snowspring as a healer, or I could be a normal mercenary, but… there’ll be a day when I need this power. It’ll save someone I love, I know it.”
“I’m not going to say anything,” Lothar shakes his head. “I won’t convince you and you can’t convince me, but that doesn’t mean you have to run away. I haven’t made an issue out of it, have I?”
“No, but you’re uncomfortable,” I say. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“We don’t have to agree on everything,” Lothar says. “I mean, there are kids back there who are going to turn out absolute monsters, but they’re still family. I’m still going to look out for you because you’re our little monster. So, you don’t need to worry about things like that.”
I want a family that I know isn’t bothered by my magic. People that I can tell everything and never worry that it’s something that will make them sad or uncomfortable. Someone who will accept me no matter what.
Lothar’s idea of family is different, but I don’t know what I should do about that.
“Let’s get you back, and you can start with your training again,” he says, letting the topic die.
The guards at the door are different to the last ones I saw, but they’re just as dangerous looking. I know that I wouldn’t pick a fight with them, and if they came for me, I’d do everything I could to escape.
“You two are back?” Adeleya is there at the door waiting for us. She pauses taking in the sight of us and glowering at us. “Looks like those kids really did a number on the both of you, huh?”
I didn’t have the chance to clean my clothes. There were more important things to do.
“Yeah, well-”
“He was helping me,” I say, staring down at the ground. “A friend helped me to train my magic, and we had to fight a few skeletons in the crypts. Lothar saved me when things went bad.”
“Mhmm…” She waves her hand at us. “Why didn’t you bring us along?”
“Because… because I didn’t want to bother anyone,” I say. “I know that you all hate what I do. I didn’t want to make you feel bad, so I was going to do it alone.”
“You don’t trust us?” Adeleya asks, shrinking in place. “Syr, what can we do?”
“It’s okay,” I step forward and hug her. “I have to do this sometimes, but I don’t want to force anyone else to have to get hurt because of it. I’ll keep training on my own, but it’s not because I don’t trust you. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” she asks resting a hand on my shoulder and looking between me and Lothar.
“It is,” I say, nodding.
We don’t have to do everything alone.
Lothar still considered the kids from that same house as his family, even though they’ve been apart for so long. Even though I’m sure that some have probably died. Maybe some have even forgotten him.
So, why can’t I consider Rea my family? Even if she’s forgotten me? Even if we’re going to be apart?
We’ll meet again, and just like Lothar with his family, we’ll smile and laugh. I’ll remind her of what she’s forgotten, and we can be together again.
It’s still sad. It still hurts.
But now, I also feel a little excitement for the day we meet again. By then, I want to be someone that she can rely on. So that she never has to feel afraid again.
“I need to train,” I say, pulling away from Adeleya.
“Well, hop along,” Lothar says, patting me on the back. “Adeleya and I have some things to talk about.”
I pause, looking back at them worriedly.
“It’s nothing you need to be concerned about,” Adeleya says, shushing me along.
I leave them behind, but Adeleya’s smile is different to normal as she talks with Lothar. There’s something between them that I don’t quite get. I should probably take more time to learn how to read people’s expressions properly, but I’ll save that for later.
Rushing up into the rooms I find Olive and Anna sitting on the bed. Anna looks better than before but she’s still gazing into the distance as if trying to see something that the rest of us can’t quite make out.
“I went back,” she says before I can say anything. She looks at me and smiles. “You saw him, too, but he makes us forget. No, it’s not his intent. It’s the way the world is.”
“Anna, I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about this?” I ask.
“Yes, yes,” she laughs, taking my hand and slowly regaining control of her breathing. “But he’s helping me learn magic. He’s promised that if I can remember, he’ll help me.”
“Anna, can we train normally?” I ask, walking away to the side of the room where they can’t see. “Your magic, is it anything like enchanting?”
I place my bag on the edge over in the corner, withdrawing the rusted armour.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, closing my eyes. Crow was ‘safely’ in my bags when I pushed myself to the limit saving Ruby. The ash coating the metal plates prove that the worst has come. “Thank you.”
I blink, staring down into the bag at the thing that shouldn’t be there.
Half the feathers are gone, and one leg is dust, but he’s still here. Reaching down and pressing my magic into him, he twitches, coming to life.
“Crow?” I ask, stopping before I can pull him from the bag. The others can’t see him here like this. “You’re still…?”
He’s changed, he’s like the skeletons far below. There are necromantic channels burned through him, turning the æther in the air into energy that sustains him. It’s not enough, it’s incomplete, but it’s happened.
Did I do this? Or did it naturally happen down there where so many necromantic magics were gathered? I’ll need to study, but not right now. I have to save this for later when the others aren’t with me.
“Anna, you’re good with understanding æther flows, can you get anything from this?” I ask, handing her a smaller plate from the thick plate armour. “Enchanting is like your magic, right?”
“It is,” she nods slowly, looking over the metal. I quickly lose her in the study.
While she’s thinking, I start burning through my body strengthening.
I haven’t lost anything yet.
//Author Note: Apologies for the poor release schedule this past week. I've had a bit of an anxiety, self-doubt issue going on making it difficult to release (Not from comments or anything, I like reading even negative comments as I gives me new perspective, so keep commenting if you like). Writing actually makes me feel much better, funnily enough though. I hope you're still enjoying the story.
My chest is heavy like something is pressing down on me.
It’s taken time for the realization to fully settle inside me. That the future I was dreaming of has been stolen from me, and even if I find Rea again she’ll be a different person to who she is today. I’m losing someone, no matter what happens next.
I want to cry.
Gritting my teeth, I press the feeling down.
I’m not alone.
The kids are joyous, which is strange in some ways, but not so strange in others.
They’re half-starved, their clothes are closer to rags, and they have scrapes and bruises all over. I’m sure that they’ve had rough lives so far, and there’s no guarantee that life will be better tomorrow. The city isn’t in a good condition at the moment, and they could die any day even just because a passing stranger decided to cause them trouble.
But they have each other. They have a family, and even if I’m not good at reading people, I can see that they’re a family. The way they look up to Lothar, and the way they look at each other…
But they still push and shove each other around. There are a few kids up the back of the room who are more distant. Are they part of the family too? Are they like me, not quite fitting in? Does that mean that we aren’t family?
I just don’t know.
Everyone is welcoming of me, and we’ll be spending time together on the long road back to Snowspring. What sort of relationship will that be?
Lothar’s smile is wide as he lifts a little boy up and spins him around, but the boy doesn’t know all the secrets that we’re keeping from him. They still care about each other anyway. So, what does it mean to love each other?
Rea wanted me to leave. She wanted to forget me because she loved me, didn’t she? I know that she had feelings for me, like the feelings that I have for her.
“How long has it been since you last came here?” I ask Lothar as we step outside, Ruby walking with us for a few steps before we stop at the curb.
“What do you mean?” He asks.
“They’re kids, some of them wouldn’t have been around when you were last here, right?” I ask. “But… the way they’re all so happy to treat you…”
“We’re family,” he says, chuckling warmly. “We’re from the same home, so we’re family. That’s how it works here. No one else is around to take care of us, well that’s not entirely true anymore, but still, we look out for each other. Train the kids who want to train, and donate what money we can to keep food on the table.”
“I’m sure you’ll be happy to have them closer to home, then?” Ruby asks.
“Not really, the little runts are going to cause us trouble to no end,” Lothar laughs a little heavier. “If they get into half as much trouble as I did… we’ll have to look out for them.”
“We will,” I agree, nodding firmly. He’s been looking out for me as well, and he’s done more than he’s ever had to. Even though he hates my magic, he’s protected me while I’m training. He’s helped me to make it back safely when all he had to do was sit back and leave me to get killed when I was unconscious.
I don’t know how to feel about it. He still hates a part of me, but that doesn’t mean that he hates me.
“Syr,” Ruby squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll see you again sometime. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll even be coming along with you. Depends on my new orders.”
“I hope so,” I say, ignoring Lothar’s grumpy expression.
“Me too,” she says, rubbing at my head before she leaves.
She disappears quickly, but never seems like she’s rushing. It’s how a predator moves.
“You…” Lothar presses his lips together leading us back to the mercenary house. I keep an eye out for any vampires, but nothing is moving in the shadows and the people around us only seem worried about us. “Why do you still like her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ruby, you know that she set that situation up so that you’d have to kill those men. You know that she’s not a good person, not even nearly. So why are you so happy to have her around? Do you really… would you rather go with her or stay with us?”
Where did this come from? Is he worried about me leaving?
“She’s… if you go with her, she’ll involve you in more murders. People like her will use your magic for themselves. They’re not monsters, they’ll have their own reasons, good reasons sometimes, but Syr that’s not… you can have a better life than that.”
“Lothar,” I stop, gripping his hand. “Thank you. I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask. That and try not to get found out,” he says, not looking down at me. “We’re trying our best to look out for you.”
“I know,” I say, standing up a little straighter. “I know. I would be safer if I would stop fighting. I could live a quiet life in Snowspring as a healer, or I could be a normal mercenary, but… there’ll be a day when I need this power. It’ll save someone I love, I know it.”
“I’m not going to say anything,” Lothar shakes his head. “I won’t convince you and you can’t convince me, but that doesn’t mean you have to run away. I haven’t made an issue out of it, have I?”
“No, but you’re uncomfortable,” I say. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“We don’t have to agree on everything,” Lothar says. “I mean, there are kids back there who are going to turn out absolute monsters, but they’re still family. I’m still going to look out for you because you’re our little monster. So, you don’t need to worry about things like that.”
I want a family that I know isn’t bothered by my magic. People that I can tell everything and never worry that it’s something that will make them sad or uncomfortable. Someone who will accept me no matter what.
Lothar’s idea of family is different, but I don’t know what I should do about that.
“Let’s get you back, and you can start with your training again,” he says, letting the topic die.
The guards at the door are different to the last ones I saw, but they’re just as dangerous looking. I know that I wouldn’t pick a fight with them, and if they came for me, I’d do everything I could to escape.
“You two are back?” Adeleya is there at the door waiting for us. She pauses taking in the sight of us and glowering at us. “Looks like those kids really did a number on the both of you, huh?”
I didn’t have the chance to clean my clothes. There were more important things to do.
“Yeah, well-”
“He was helping me,” I say, staring down at the ground. “A friend helped me to train my magic, and we had to fight a few skeletons in the crypts. Lothar saved me when things went bad.”
“Mhmm…” She waves her hand at us. “Why didn’t you bring us along?”
“Because… because I didn’t want to bother anyone,” I say. “I know that you all hate what I do. I didn’t want to make you feel bad, so I was going to do it alone.”
“You don’t trust us?” Adeleya asks, shrinking in place. “Syr, what can we do?”
“It’s okay,” I step forward and hug her. “I have to do this sometimes, but I don’t want to force anyone else to have to get hurt because of it. I’ll keep training on my own, but it’s not because I don’t trust you. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” she asks resting a hand on my shoulder and looking between me and Lothar.
“It is,” I say, nodding.
We don’t have to do everything alone.
Lothar still considered the kids from that same house as his family, even though they’ve been apart for so long. Even though I’m sure that some have probably died. Maybe some have even forgotten him.
So, why can’t I consider Rea my family? Even if she’s forgotten me? Even if we’re going to be apart?
We’ll meet again, and just like Lothar with his family, we’ll smile and laugh. I’ll remind her of what she’s forgotten, and we can be together again.
It’s still sad. It still hurts.
But now, I also feel a little excitement for the day we meet again. By then, I want to be someone that she can rely on. So that she never has to feel afraid again.
“I need to train,” I say, pulling away from Adeleya.
“Well, hop along,” Lothar says, patting me on the back. “Adeleya and I have some things to talk about.”
I pause, looking back at them worriedly.
“It’s nothing you need to be concerned about,” Adeleya says, shushing me along.
I leave them behind, but Adeleya’s smile is different to normal as she talks with Lothar. There’s something between them that I don’t quite get. I should probably take more time to learn how to read people’s expressions properly, but I’ll save that for later.
Rushing up into the rooms I find Olive and Anna sitting on the bed. Anna looks better than before but she’s still gazing into the distance as if trying to see something that the rest of us can’t quite make out.
“I went back,” she says before I can say anything. She looks at me and smiles. “You saw him, too, but he makes us forget. No, it’s not his intent. It’s the way the world is.”
“Anna, I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about this?” I ask.
“Yes, yes,” she laughs, taking my hand and slowly regaining control of her breathing. “But he’s helping me learn magic. He’s promised that if I can remember, he’ll help me.”
“Anna, can we train normally?” I ask, walking away to the side of the room where they can’t see. “Your magic, is it anything like enchanting?”
I place my bag on the edge over in the corner, withdrawing the rusted armour.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, closing my eyes. Crow was ‘safely’ in my bags when I pushed myself to the limit saving Ruby. The ash coating the metal plates prove that the worst has come. “Thank you.”
I blink, staring down into the bag at the thing that shouldn’t be there.
Half the feathers are gone, and one leg is dust, but he’s still here. Reaching down and pressing my magic into him, he twitches, coming to life.
“Crow?” I ask, stopping before I can pull him from the bag. The others can’t see him here like this. “You’re still…?”
He’s changed, he’s like the skeletons far below. There are necromantic channels burned through him, turning the æther in the air into energy that sustains him. It’s not enough, it’s incomplete, but it’s happened.
Did I do this? Or did it naturally happen down there where so many necromantic magics were gathered? I’ll need to study, but not right now. I have to save this for later when the others aren’t with me.
“Anna, you’re good with understanding æther flows, can you get anything from this?” I ask, handing her a smaller plate from the thick plate armour. “Enchanting is like your magic, right?”
“It is,” she nods slowly, looking over the metal. I quickly lose her in the study.
While she’s thinking, I start burning through my body strengthening.
I haven’t lost anything yet.
//Author Note: Apologies for the poor release schedule this past week. I've had a bit of an anxiety, self-doubt issue going on making it difficult to release (Not from comments or anything, I like reading even negative comments as I gives me new perspective, so keep commenting if you like). Writing actually makes me feel much better, funnily enough though. I hope you're still enjoying the story.
