Chapter 26
Many days later, Lu Qi’an could vividly dream of the moment he rejected Fu Jia, and how his face had instantly paled.
Like a small child, he clenched the clothes that covered his chest and looked around everywhere as if he couldn't believe it. He wanted to speak but his lips trembled, and he couldn't utter a word for a long time.
In the end, he ran away.
The injury on his foot shouldn’t have fully healed yet, but when he came to see him, his shoes were tidily worn. He probably didn’t have the heart to mind it as he ran, but it was clear that one foot was impaired.
He stood in the same spot, staring at Fu Jia’s back silhouette with his blood frozen. The feeling he felt at this moment would often appear at the end of the dream, forcing him to wake up in cold sweat.
It was the same tonight as well.
Lu Qi'an glanced at the clock, it was only three o'clock in the morning.
But he couldn’t fall back asleep anymore.
He sat up and opened the drawer next to the bed, this was where he kept all the love letters that Fu Jia wrote to him for a week. The drawer was locked, so Auntie Miao wouldn’t be able to open it. Even if it was secretly opened, he’d find traces left behind.
He took one letter out and read it under the dim glow of the bedside wall light. The light wasn’t bright enough, but it didn’t matter as he had already long memorized the contents by heart.
Each of Fu Jia's love letters was very similar. They began with a greeting to Lu Qi’an, and the middle was filled with sour and cheesy passages that must’ve been plagiarized or rewritten from who knows where. While feeling disgusted, Lu Qi’an still memorized it.
The sentences at the end were probably written by Fu Jia himself:
Miss you, miss you, miss you.
I wish you happiness.
Lu Qi'an put the love letter away as usual, turned off the light, and laid back on the bed, but his fingers were trembling.
He would have to endure the overnight coldness and numbness of his fingers.
Since his mother's death, Lu Qi'an has seldom been happy.
Losing a loved one was depressing, but that alone may not necessarily stop Lu Qi’an from leaving behind his sadness and facing life positively.
Lu Qi’an didn’t know his mother very well. Not only was he unfamiliar with her, Lu Qi’an also somewhat rejected her.
Qi Bing fell ill before Lu Qi'an gained awareness of the world, and lived alone on the third floor of the villa. Lu Qi'an had always been told by his father and aunt to not disturb Qi Bing's rest, and not to make a ruckus in her room. Coupled with the fact that domestic workers and medical staff came and went with solemn expressions, Lu Qi'an went up to the third floor less and less.
When being urged by his grandma and grandpa, he’d visit once a day. But when no one was watching over him, he’d only go once a week.
But he never approached closely, he simply stood by the door and quietly called out: "Mama."
When this happened, Qi Bing would lift her head from the sickbed with great difficulty and stare at him with wide eyes. The stare was too intense, as if her eyes wanted to peer through every organ in his body, sending chills down Lu Qi’an’s spine and making him want to escape.
Over time, the third floor where Qi Bing was located became the place Lu Qi'an was most afraid of in his childhood.
When his mother passed away, he ignorantly followed his family to the funeral without shedding a single tear. The funeral was also the last time he saw his grandpa and grandma. Grandma was being held by grandpa, and his uncle was steadying her hands and feet. But even with two people restraining her, she still desperately leaned forward and cursed hysterically: You Lu family are all cold-blooded, my daughter was killed by you!
There were also a lot of other curses that Lu Qi’an couldn’t remember clearly anymore.
Protected by his aunt, he hid behind his father. He looked at his father's stiff back and wondered with a sense of perplexity why his father didn't deny it.
Then one night, the young Lu Qi'an hid in a room to peek at Qi Bing's old photos and found a picture of Qi Bing holding him in his arms, looking at him lovingly.
Qi Bing's eyes were as tender as flowing water.
In an instant, Lu Qi'an realized.
Whenever he went to see Qi Bing, Qi Bing’s stare didn’t mean she wanted to eat him or beat him, she didn't have any harmful ill will towards her son. She only wanted to use her eyes to ask Lu Qi’an to come closer, come closer to her bedside and accompany her for a bit.
Her husband didn’t love her, no matter how much she tried. Her sister-in-law didn’t like her, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how long she tried, no one liked her. She only had her son, only this one son.
She looked at her son, asking nothing of him but to stay in her room for a while.
Facing the Qi Bing who was like this, Lu Zhiyuan worked all day and rarely visited her; Lu Qi’an feared her and avoided her like she was a snake.
The one who visited most was Lu Wanqing, but she had been estranged from Qi Bing for over ten years.
They were all murderers.
Among them, there was no doubt that he, Lu Qi’an, was an accomplice.
All of a sudden, the world was turned upside down and collapsed. Heartbreak and physical breakdown were not enough to describe Lu Qi’an’s anguish.
He was too young to know how to deal with this pain, and he didn't dare to tell anyone. Every night he would securely lock the door and take out his mother’s photo that he kept hidden under his pillow. Hugging it, he’d struggle for a long time before he could fall into a light sleep.
Before it was light out, he would wake up and carefully hide the photo back under the pillow, then wait with open eyes for the caretaker auntie to rouse him from bed.
He didn't feel sorry for himself, nor intend to improve this terrible state. He thought he was the most unforgivable, so it might be better to torture himself like this.
What changed everything was his encounter with Fu Jia.
Upon first encounter, the crying boy hiding in tall grass interested him. Glueing his eyes on him simply because he gave him a bandaid was even more interesting.
One person finding another person interesting, this was often the beginning of all affairs between people.
After that day, Fu Jia began to peek at him from the window. This child didn’t know how to disguise himself, almost his entire body was leaning out of the window.# How could this be considered peeking? Fortunately, Lu Qi'an covered Lin Fengxun's line of sight with his body, and even put Lin Fengxun to sleep to help conceal Fu Jia.
What he didn’t expect was for Fu Jia to run over and ask questions about what he casually said to coax Lin Fengxun to take his medication.
He didn't want to respond to him at first, but Fu Jia's eyes touched him very much. Pitiful, determined, and full of yearning.
It was a yearning for him.
Just like that, Lu Qi'an was dragged off the cliff by Fu Jia.
From that day on, he used playing with Lin Fengxun as an excuse to frequently come in and out of the Lin family villa, making noise in the courtyard to lure Fu Jia out for a look.
Fu Jia didn't know that Lu Qi'an could notice him, but Lu Qi'an knew that this was a communicative, two-way affair. He enjoyed Fu Jia’s dependence on him, his need for him, and he stood there perfectly, responding to Fu Jia.
As if he was repenting.
It was also from this day onwards that Lu Qi'an no longer needed a picture of his mother to fall asleep, and he no longer tossed and turned every night, having nightmares again and again.
A few years passed like this, and on the anniversary of his mother's death, Lu Qi'an had an argument with Lu Zhiyuan. Lu Zhiyuan smashed the flower stand# on his head and he bled profusely, blood even flowed into his eyes.
His aunt was frightened to tears and knelt in front of the grave. She cried and pleaded to Qi Bing, then after a while, she broke down and asked her why she had to commit suicide and cause their family to become like this.
Lu Qi'an's heart was numb. Not knowing who to hate, he simply moved out of Lu's house and lived alone in the apartment. During the early days of moving in, he returned to his previous insomniac sleeping pattern, and this time even pictures of his mother didn't help. Later on, he tried imagining before bed that Fu Jia was next to him and looking at him with those dependent eyes. Sure enough, he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.
In the same year, Lu Qi'an made up his mind to bring Fu Jia out of the abyss.
He had already missed the chance to save his mother. He mustn’t watch Fu Jia sink and break down, then die in front of him.
He believed he could do it, and he did do it well. When he became an adult, Fu Jia heeded his advice and left the Lin family. He also listened to his words and studied hard, transferring to No. 6 High School without a day of slacking off.
If…
If Fu Jia hadn't fallen for him, everything would have gone perfectly.
He will watch from afar as Fu Jia gets admitted to an excellent university, drifting far, far away from the Lu and Lin family with each step, gaining close friends and lovers while enjoying a successful career.
If he hadn’t also fallen for Fu Jia, everything would have gone perfectly.
He won’t be softhearted at every turn anymore, helping him, taking care of him. He will adamantly reject Fu Jia and make him give up on his desires. From here onwards, he will no longer try to show off his good points in the courtyard, acting like a courting male peacock.
No matter how much he has to restrain himself or act coldly, he still won’t allow the what-ifs to become reality.
It was too laughable. Confronting his feelings made such a coward out of him. Whether it was studying, athletics, or social interactions, he had absolute confidence. Yet he didn’t have the confidence to cherish his lover.
He was Lu Zhiyuan's son, and like him, he only had an advantageous family background and appearance, but there was nothing good about his character. They were neither gentle nor cheerful, but gloomy like old men.
He wanted to bring Fu Jia out of the quagmire, but if he chose to love Fu Jia, then instead of saving Fu Jia he may instead push Fu Jia into the deep abyss like Lu Zhiyuan did to Qi Bing. What would he do then?
He couldn’t do that.
He must endure.
With his eyes open, Lu Qi'an stayed up from three o'clock in the morning to sunrise.
He washed up like usual, put on his watch, then left his room.
It was too early, so Auntie Miao hadn’t left yet. She looked at Lu Qi’an in surprise and said: “How come you woke up so early today?”
Lu Qi'an raised his hand to check his watch, only to realize that he had read the wrong time. He said, “It’s fine, continue on,” then went back into his room.
He sat on the chair, his entire body aching.
He couldn’t.
But as expected–
Miss you, miss you, miss you.
Chapter 26
Many days later, Lu Qi’an could vividly dream of the moment he rejected Fu Jia, and how his face had instantly paled.
Like a small child, he clenched the clothes that covered his chest and looked around everywhere as if he couldn't believe it. He wanted to speak but his lips trembled, and he couldn't utter a word for a long time.
In the end, he ran away.
The injury on his foot shouldn’t have fully healed yet, but when he came to see him, his shoes were tidily worn. He probably didn’t have the heart to mind it as he ran, but it was clear that one foot was impaired.
He stood in the same spot, staring at Fu Jia’s back silhouette with his blood frozen. The feeling he felt at this moment would often appear at the end of the dream, forcing him to wake up in cold sweat.
It was the same tonight as well.
Lu Qi'an glanced at the clock, it was only three o'clock in the morning.
But he couldn’t fall back asleep anymore.
He sat up and opened the drawer next to the bed, this was where he kept all the love letters that Fu Jia wrote to him for a week. The drawer was locked, so Auntie Miao wouldn’t be able to open it. Even if it was secretly opened, he’d find traces left behind.
He took one letter out and read it under the dim glow of the bedside wall light. The light wasn’t bright enough, but it didn’t matter as he had already long memorized the contents by heart.
Each of Fu Jia's love letters was very similar. They began with a greeting to Lu Qi’an, and the middle was filled with sour and cheesy passages that must’ve been plagiarized or rewritten from who knows where. While feeling disgusted, Lu Qi’an still memorized it.
The sentences at the end were probably written by Fu Jia himself:
Miss you, miss you, miss you.
I wish you happiness.
Lu Qi'an put the love letter away as usual, turned off the light, and laid back on the bed, but his fingers were trembling.
He would have to endure the overnight coldness and numbness of his fingers.
Since his mother's death, Lu Qi'an has seldom been happy.
Losing a loved one was depressing, but that alone may not necessarily stop Lu Qi’an from leaving behind his sadness and facing life positively.
Lu Qi’an didn’t know his mother very well. Not only was he unfamiliar with her, Lu Qi’an also somewhat rejected her.
Qi Bing fell ill before Lu Qi'an gained awareness of the world, and lived alone on the third floor of the villa. Lu Qi'an had always been told by his father and aunt to not disturb Qi Bing's rest, and not to make a ruckus in her room. Coupled with the fact that domestic workers and medical staff came and went with solemn expressions, Lu Qi'an went up to the third floor less and less.
When being urged by his grandma and grandpa, he’d visit once a day. But when no one was watching over him, he’d only go once a week.
But he never approached closely, he simply stood by the door and quietly called out: "Mama."
When this happened, Qi Bing would lift her head from the sickbed with great difficulty and stare at him with wide eyes. The stare was too intense, as if her eyes wanted to peer through every organ in his body, sending chills down Lu Qi’an’s spine and making him want to escape.
Over time, the third floor where Qi Bing was located became the place Lu Qi'an was most afraid of in his childhood.
When his mother passed away, he ignorantly followed his family to the funeral without shedding a single tear. The funeral was also the last time he saw his grandpa and grandma. Grandma was being held by grandpa, and his uncle was steadying her hands and feet. But even with two people restraining her, she still desperately leaned forward and cursed hysterically: You Lu family are all cold-blooded, my daughter was killed by you!
There were also a lot of other curses that Lu Qi’an couldn’t remember clearly anymore.
Protected by his aunt, he hid behind his father. He looked at his father's stiff back and wondered with a sense of perplexity why his father didn't deny it.
Then one night, the young Lu Qi'an hid in a room to peek at Qi Bing's old photos and found a picture of Qi Bing holding him in his arms, looking at him lovingly.
Qi Bing's eyes were as tender as flowing water.
In an instant, Lu Qi'an realized.
Whenever he went to see Qi Bing, Qi Bing’s stare didn’t mean she wanted to eat him or beat him, she didn't have any harmful ill will towards her son. She only wanted to use her eyes to ask Lu Qi’an to come closer, come closer to her bedside and accompany her for a bit.
Her husband didn’t love her, no matter how much she tried. Her sister-in-law didn’t like her, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how long she tried, no one liked her. She only had her son, only this one son.
She looked at her son, asking nothing of him but to stay in her room for a while.
Facing the Qi Bing who was like this, Lu Zhiyuan worked all day and rarely visited her; Lu Qi’an feared her and avoided her like she was a snake.
The one who visited most was Lu Wanqing, but she had been estranged from Qi Bing for over ten years.
They were all murderers.
Among them, there was no doubt that he, Lu Qi’an, was an accomplice.
All of a sudden, the world was turned upside down and collapsed. Heartbreak and physical breakdown were not enough to describe Lu Qi’an’s anguish.
He was too young to know how to deal with this pain, and he didn't dare to tell anyone. Every night he would securely lock the door and take out his mother’s photo that he kept hidden under his pillow. Hugging it, he’d struggle for a long time before he could fall into a light sleep.
Before it was light out, he would wake up and carefully hide the photo back under the pillow, then wait with open eyes for the caretaker auntie to rouse him from bed.
He didn't feel sorry for himself, nor intend to improve this terrible state. He thought he was the most unforgivable, so it might be better to torture himself like this.
What changed everything was his encounter with Fu Jia.
Upon first encounter, the crying boy hiding in tall grass interested him. Glueing his eyes on him simply because he gave him a bandaid was even more interesting.
One person finding another person interesting, this was often the beginning of all affairs between people.
After that day, Fu Jia began to peek at him from the window. This child didn’t know how to disguise himself, almost his entire body was leaning out of the window.# How could this be considered peeking? Fortunately, Lu Qi'an covered Lin Fengxun's line of sight with his body, and even put Lin Fengxun to sleep to help conceal Fu Jia.
What he didn’t expect was for Fu Jia to run over and ask questions about what he casually said to coax Lin Fengxun to take his medication.
He didn't want to respond to him at first, but Fu Jia's eyes touched him very much. Pitiful, determined, and full of yearning.
It was a yearning for him.
Just like that, Lu Qi'an was dragged off the cliff by Fu Jia.
From that day on, he used playing with Lin Fengxun as an excuse to frequently come in and out of the Lin family villa, making noise in the courtyard to lure Fu Jia out for a look.
Fu Jia didn't know that Lu Qi'an could notice him, but Lu Qi'an knew that this was a communicative, two-way affair. He enjoyed Fu Jia’s dependence on him, his need for him, and he stood there perfectly, responding to Fu Jia.
As if he was repenting.
It was also from this day onwards that Lu Qi'an no longer needed a picture of his mother to fall asleep, and he no longer tossed and turned every night, having nightmares again and again.
A few years passed like this, and on the anniversary of his mother's death, Lu Qi'an had an argument with Lu Zhiyuan. Lu Zhiyuan smashed the flower stand# on his head and he bled profusely, blood even flowed into his eyes.
His aunt was frightened to tears and knelt in front of the grave. She cried and pleaded to Qi Bing, then after a while, she broke down and asked her why she had to commit suicide and cause their family to become like this.
Lu Qi'an's heart was numb. Not knowing who to hate, he simply moved out of Lu's house and lived alone in the apartment. During the early days of moving in, he returned to his previous insomniac sleeping pattern, and this time even pictures of his mother didn't help. Later on, he tried imagining before bed that Fu Jia was next to him and looking at him with those dependent eyes. Sure enough, he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.
In the same year, Lu Qi'an made up his mind to bring Fu Jia out of the abyss.
He had already missed the chance to save his mother. He mustn’t watch Fu Jia sink and break down, then die in front of him.
He believed he could do it, and he did do it well. When he became an adult, Fu Jia heeded his advice and left the Lin family. He also listened to his words and studied hard, transferring to No. 6 High School without a day of slacking off.
If…
If Fu Jia hadn't fallen for him, everything would have gone perfectly.
He will watch from afar as Fu Jia gets admitted to an excellent university, drifting far, far away from the Lu and Lin family with each step, gaining close friends and lovers while enjoying a successful career.
If he hadn’t also fallen for Fu Jia, everything would have gone perfectly.
He won’t be softhearted at every turn anymore, helping him, taking care of him. He will adamantly reject Fu Jia and make him give up on his desires. From here onwards, he will no longer try to show off his good points in the courtyard, acting like a courting male peacock.
No matter how much he has to restrain himself or act coldly, he still won’t allow the what-ifs to become reality.
It was too laughable. Confronting his feelings made such a coward out of him. Whether it was studying, athletics, or social interactions, he had absolute confidence. Yet he didn’t have the confidence to cherish his lover.
He was Lu Zhiyuan's son, and like him, he only had an advantageous family background and appearance, but there was nothing good about his character. They were neither gentle nor cheerful, but gloomy like old men.
He wanted to bring Fu Jia out of the quagmire, but if he chose to love Fu Jia, then instead of saving Fu Jia he may instead push Fu Jia into the deep abyss like Lu Zhiyuan did to Qi Bing. What would he do then?
He couldn’t do that.
He must endure.
With his eyes open, Lu Qi'an stayed up from three o'clock in the morning to sunrise.
He washed up like usual, put on his watch, then left his room.
It was too early, so Auntie Miao hadn’t left yet. She looked at Lu Qi’an in surprise and said: “How come you woke up so early today?”
Lu Qi'an raised his hand to check his watch, only to realize that he had read the wrong time. He said, “It’s fine, continue on,” then went back into his room.
He sat on the chair, his entire body aching.
He couldn’t.
But as expected–
Miss you, miss you, miss you.
