Chapter 307: Turned Down
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"What I think about it…"
Upon hearing my question, Shizu fell into silent contemplation. Although she couldn't come up for an immediate answer, just by the way she closed her eyes while her brows furrowed, she's probably trying to arrange her words for me to understand what's actually going on in her mind.
Why did she want to lock our relationship only in this room? More than restricting me, she's actually making it hard for herself. Until when will we be able to stay in this room? What will happen if next year, she stopped being the Student Council President? Will that mean that our relationship has to end?
I want her. I love her. Not just in this room. Perhaps even if I failed to change her mind and let her come out of her shell, I will continue going after her as long as she doesn't tell me to stay away from her.
But this… If I agreed to what she's proposing this time, there's a clear end to our relationship.
Of course, I can try to change her mind during the times we will be together in this room but being in this limited kind of relationship, how can I show her that this isn't all there is to be in love with each other?
Just like with my other girls, I want to take her somewhere, make more memories together. My current outlook is already a lot different than before. If it was before, I might've accepted that. She'll be mine either way. However, this time, I'm now determined to return what they're feeling for me.
For Shizu, it's like she's creating another shell or prison for our relationship. Outside it, we'll be unrelated…
That's how I interpreted this situation she's trying to create.
Keeping my hold of her in my arms, while I waited for her answer, I quietly listened to the sound of our breath while closely observing her and this room.
Perhaps this is her castle. Here, she controls everything, even me…
After a few minutes of contemplating, Shizu finally gathered her words to answer my question.
As she slowly turned to face me once again, Shizu's expression contained a hint of sadness and worry. "… It's a lousy way to take responsibility, Ruki."
"I see. Why do you think so?"
"In the first place, you already let them go. There's no reason to take them back in. Most if not all are probably only having a hangover with the kind of relationship you let them feel when they're still with you. And that's the reason why they decided to cling onto it, waiting for you to come around."
I get what she's saying. Because I decided to take them all in after realizing things about how important Akane is to me, we're now in this kind of relationship. There's that option to just meet with them once to reach some closure with them by doing something that will amount to taking responsibility. But I didn't do that and instead, I rekindled their feelings for me and promised to take them all in.
"If you let them go instead, they will eventually forget about it or you. By then, they will be able to go on with their normal lives, with you as just a faraway memory. Their time with you can be something they can reminisce about in the future or forever bury it in their mind since some of them really experienced hardships during their time with you." Shizu continued.
She really thought about this a lot. And what she said should really be the logical solution to our situation. But I'm not normal. She overlooked that point. She called it lousy, but it's only applicable to a normal guy. In the first place, I'm nowhere near normal.
"I understand. It's lousy, huh? But like I said, I also realized that I love all of them. I'm not saying love for the sake of saying it. I spent a lot of time forgetting that kind of emotion. I know full well and recognize that the emotion I'm feeling for them is love. That's also how it ended up with you, you can call me playboy or anything you want to but like I said, I'm not playing with any of you."
"I get that, Ruki but I… I can't accept it. I don't want to share you with anyone else, even with Nanami. Protecting her and being your girl is a different matter."
"I see. I can now answer your question." I traced her lips with my thumb once more while holding her chin.
Just a few minutes earlier, our lips were locked together, lost in the passion we shared for each other. But now… No matter how I think about it, I can't agree with what she wanted. Not only will it be too restricted for us, but it will also feel like I'm making a special exception just for her. If I accept, I have to hide our restricted relationship from the girls because if I tell them about it, they will instantly understand the nature of our relationship and it will definitely set precedence. That's something I don't want to do.
I love them all equally and that's something they all understand. If she will enter a relationship with me, all of my girls will know about it eventually. It's a lot better for them to find out about it from me rather than finding out by themselves.
"I can't accept it. For us to be together but only in this room..."
"Un. I understand now. The extent of your unbending will. I guess it was worth my shot… I love you, Ruki… You're the first guy I fell in love with but I really can't accept sharing you with the others…"
"Is it really that or are you only afraid to open up to them?"
"Perhaps… I don't know."
"Then…"
It's over, huh? I have no choice but to pull back and step down. I'm the one who rejected her suggestion. I also have to be the one to move out of her personal space…
As I released my arms that were holding her closely, I gradually slid out of her seat while gently placing her in my previous position.
Although she understood what I was doing, Shizu didn't react and just watched my movements closely.
At this moment, the sadness on her face could be clearly seen now. It's as if she would burst out into tears at any moment. With her puckered lips, she's resisting to do that. In the end, she's trying to accept this outcome. Most likely, she's aware that this would be my answer.
Upon seeing that, my feelings for her that were about to be bottled up burst out. Cupping her face within my palms, my lips dropped on hers, delivering another kiss.
Perhaps this will be the last kiss that we will share. Who knows?
In the end, I'm the one who lost control of my emotion. From that simple kiss, it gradually deepened. My arms then picked her up once more, lifting her from her seat and onto the table.
"Ruki…" Only my name was the only word that Shizu managed to let out when I freed her lips for a moment to catch my breath.
Although she's not resisting, she's also not responding to me. Perhaps my image on her was already destroyed and got thrown into the trash.
No matter how one looked at this, I was currently forcing her.
I understood that I was becoming despicable again but I couldn't stop or rather, I was waiting for her to push me away.
But even minutes after and even if my hands were exploring what's hidden beneath her uniform, Shizu didn't do any of that.
As soon as I realized that, I finally noticed her hands that were weakly clutching onto my shoulder and her eyes that were closed shut.
Ah. Right. I wasn't looking at her properly. I let my emotions get the better of me.
Being hit by that realization, I promptly stopped my lips from moving and drew away from her as I pulled my arms out of her uniform. I didn't have the time to even savor what I touched. In fact, it failed to register on my mind. It's like I was venting the feeling of frustrations inside me to her.
Before I could say something, Shizu got off her table and turned around to fix what needed to be fixed.
With her back facing me, I couldn't see her face and her expression anymore.
It's easy to understand that with this, I blew up everything I built with her and perhaps, that would be the last time for me to get near her.
Even if she loved me before this, because of what I did, that emotion was now like a balloon running out of helium, it deflated to the point that all the air inside it was now gone.
Saying sorry wouldn't cut it. I did something unforgivable.
It was one thing to reject her wish but it's another to force myself on her when it's me who rejected her proposition in the first place.
"Shizu… I won't make any excuse. It's clear to me that I lost control of my emotions and I… No, nevermind."
There's no point saying I regret it. It will sound like an excuse to invoke empathy from her.
"You stopped. That's what's important."
"Even so…"
"I didn't resist, did I?"
"No."
"Then you did nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. Also, you will look pathetic if you continue on that. I received your answer. Ruki, no, Onoda-kun. Let's take a step back, shall we?"
"Yes, that will be for the best."
"Un. See you on Friday. I will continue doing the meetings, don't worry."
"Alright… See you on Friday, Shizu." As I forced myself to smile, I slowly turned around and faced the direction of the door.
Traversing the steps away from her, I was somewhat expecting for her to call me back. However, even when I reached the knob and pulled open the door, Shizu's silence remained.
At this point, my feet stopped.
I was truly afraid to look back to see her expression, however, I was once again bested by my emotion for her.
As soon as I turned around, the tear that was running down her eyes was the first thing I captured followed by her lonely figure while trembling at where she was standing. She kept her lips shut tight to prevent her sobs to reach my ears
Seeing that, I dropped everything in my mind. Pushing the door close, my whole body moved by itself and reached her side in less than five seconds.
When she entered my arm's reach, I immediately pulled her in my embrace, holding her trembling body as her tears started to stain my uniform. "Hate me if you want, Shizu. No way I can leave this room after seeing you like this. I'm aware I'm the reason why you're like this but I don't care. I won't leave you until you calm down."
"You… You're being cruel again. You're a truly cruel guy. How did I… fall for you?" In between her sobs, Shizu replied.
Well, being cruel was probably my trait already. As to the answer to her question, only she knew the answer for that so instead of answering, I quietly held her in my arms.
Wherever our relationship will go from now on, I still have no idea. At the moment, staying by her side like this is the only thought filling up my mind. My love for this girl is already the same as I have for my other girls… How? How can I have her accept our situation?
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"What I think about it…"
Upon hearing my question, Shizu fell into silent contemplation. Although she couldn't come up for an immediate answer, just by the way she closed her eyes while her brows furrowed, she's probably trying to arrange her words for me to understand what's actually going on in her mind.
Why did she want to lock our relationship only in this room? More than restricting me, she's actually making it hard for herself. Until when will we be able to stay in this room? What will happen if next year, she stopped being the Student Council President? Will that mean that our relationship has to end?
I want her. I love her. Not just in this room. Perhaps even if I failed to change her mind and let her come out of her shell, I will continue going after her as long as she doesn't tell me to stay away from her.
But this… If I agreed to what she's proposing this time, there's a clear end to our relationship.
Of course, I can try to change her mind during the times we will be together in this room but being in this limited kind of relationship, how can I show her that this isn't all there is to be in love with each other?
Just like with my other girls, I want to take her somewhere, make more memories together. My current outlook is already a lot different than before. If it was before, I might've accepted that. She'll be mine either way. However, this time, I'm now determined to return what they're feeling for me.
For Shizu, it's like she's creating another shell or prison for our relationship. Outside it, we'll be unrelated…
That's how I interpreted this situation she's trying to create.
Keeping my hold of her in my arms, while I waited for her answer, I quietly listened to the sound of our breath while closely observing her and this room.
Perhaps this is her castle. Here, she controls everything, even me…
After a few minutes of contemplating, Shizu finally gathered her words to answer my question.
As she slowly turned to face me once again, Shizu's expression contained a hint of sadness and worry. "… It's a lousy way to take responsibility, Ruki."
"I see. Why do you think so?"
"In the first place, you already let them go. There's no reason to take them back in. Most if not all are probably only having a hangover with the kind of relationship you let them feel when they're still with you. And that's the reason why they decided to cling onto it, waiting for you to come around."
I get what she's saying. Because I decided to take them all in after realizing things about how important Akane is to me, we're now in this kind of relationship. There's that option to just meet with them once to reach some closure with them by doing something that will amount to taking responsibility. But I didn't do that and instead, I rekindled their feelings for me and promised to take them all in.
"If you let them go instead, they will eventually forget about it or you. By then, they will be able to go on with their normal lives, with you as just a faraway memory. Their time with you can be something they can reminisce about in the future or forever bury it in their mind since some of them really experienced hardships during their time with you." Shizu continued.
She really thought about this a lot. And what she said should really be the logical solution to our situation. But I'm not normal. She overlooked that point. She called it lousy, but it's only applicable to a normal guy. In the first place, I'm nowhere near normal.
"I understand. It's lousy, huh? But like I said, I also realized that I love all of them. I'm not saying love for the sake of saying it. I spent a lot of time forgetting that kind of emotion. I know full well and recognize that the emotion I'm feeling for them is love. That's also how it ended up with you, you can call me playboy or anything you want to but like I said, I'm not playing with any of you."
"I get that, Ruki but I… I can't accept it. I don't want to share you with anyone else, even with Nanami. Protecting her and being your girl is a different matter."
"I see. I can now answer your question." I traced her lips with my thumb once more while holding her chin.
Just a few minutes earlier, our lips were locked together, lost in the passion we shared for each other. But now… No matter how I think about it, I can't agree with what she wanted. Not only will it be too restricted for us, but it will also feel like I'm making a special exception just for her. If I accept, I have to hide our restricted relationship from the girls because if I tell them about it, they will instantly understand the nature of our relationship and it will definitely set precedence. That's something I don't want to do.
I love them all equally and that's something they all understand. If she will enter a relationship with me, all of my girls will know about it eventually. It's a lot better for them to find out about it from me rather than finding out by themselves.
"I can't accept it. For us to be together but only in this room..."
"Un. I understand now. The extent of your unbending will. I guess it was worth my shot… I love you, Ruki… You're the first guy I fell in love with but I really can't accept sharing you with the others…"
"Is it really that or are you only afraid to open up to them?"
"Perhaps… I don't know."
"Then…"
It's over, huh? I have no choice but to pull back and step down. I'm the one who rejected her suggestion. I also have to be the one to move out of her personal space…
As I released my arms that were holding her closely, I gradually slid out of her seat while gently placing her in my previous position.
Although she understood what I was doing, Shizu didn't react and just watched my movements closely.
At this moment, the sadness on her face could be clearly seen now. It's as if she would burst out into tears at any moment. With her puckered lips, she's resisting to do that. In the end, she's trying to accept this outcome. Most likely, she's aware that this would be my answer.
Upon seeing that, my feelings for her that were about to be bottled up burst out. Cupping her face within my palms, my lips dropped on hers, delivering another kiss.
Perhaps this will be the last kiss that we will share. Who knows?
In the end, I'm the one who lost control of my emotion. From that simple kiss, it gradually deepened. My arms then picked her up once more, lifting her from her seat and onto the table.
"Ruki…" Only my name was the only word that Shizu managed to let out when I freed her lips for a moment to catch my breath.
Although she's not resisting, she's also not responding to me. Perhaps my image on her was already destroyed and got thrown into the trash.
No matter how one looked at this, I was currently forcing her.
I understood that I was becoming despicable again but I couldn't stop or rather, I was waiting for her to push me away.
But even minutes after and even if my hands were exploring what's hidden beneath her uniform, Shizu didn't do any of that.
As soon as I realized that, I finally noticed her hands that were weakly clutching onto my shoulder and her eyes that were closed shut.
Ah. Right. I wasn't looking at her properly. I let my emotions get the better of me.
Being hit by that realization, I promptly stopped my lips from moving and drew away from her as I pulled my arms out of her uniform. I didn't have the time to even savor what I touched. In fact, it failed to register on my mind. It's like I was venting the feeling of frustrations inside me to her.
Before I could say something, Shizu got off her table and turned around to fix what needed to be fixed.
With her back facing me, I couldn't see her face and her expression anymore.
It's easy to understand that with this, I blew up everything I built with her and perhaps, that would be the last time for me to get near her.
Even if she loved me before this, because of what I did, that emotion was now like a balloon running out of helium, it deflated to the point that all the air inside it was now gone.
Saying sorry wouldn't cut it. I did something unforgivable.
It was one thing to reject her wish but it's another to force myself on her when it's me who rejected her proposition in the first place.
"Shizu… I won't make any excuse. It's clear to me that I lost control of my emotions and I… No, nevermind."
There's no point saying I regret it. It will sound like an excuse to invoke empathy from her.
"You stopped. That's what's important."
"Even so…"
"I didn't resist, did I?"
"No."
"Then you did nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. Also, you will look pathetic if you continue on that. I received your answer. Ruki, no, Onoda-kun. Let's take a step back, shall we?"
"Yes, that will be for the best."
"Un. See you on Friday. I will continue doing the meetings, don't worry."
"Alright… See you on Friday, Shizu." As I forced myself to smile, I slowly turned around and faced the direction of the door.
Traversing the steps away from her, I was somewhat expecting for her to call me back. However, even when I reached the knob and pulled open the door, Shizu's silence remained.
At this point, my feet stopped.
I was truly afraid to look back to see her expression, however, I was once again bested by my emotion for her.
As soon as I turned around, the tear that was running down her eyes was the first thing I captured followed by her lonely figure while trembling at where she was standing. She kept her lips shut tight to prevent her sobs to reach my ears
Seeing that, I dropped everything in my mind. Pushing the door close, my whole body moved by itself and reached her side in less than five seconds.
When she entered my arm's reach, I immediately pulled her in my embrace, holding her trembling body as her tears started to stain my uniform. "Hate me if you want, Shizu. No way I can leave this room after seeing you like this. I'm aware I'm the reason why you're like this but I don't care. I won't leave you until you calm down."
"You… You're being cruel again. You're a truly cruel guy. How did I… fall for you?" In between her sobs, Shizu replied.
Well, being cruel was probably my trait already. As to the answer to her question, only she knew the answer for that so instead of answering, I quietly held her in my arms.
Wherever our relationship will go from now on, I still have no idea. At the moment, staying by her side like this is the only thought filling up my mind. My love for this girl is already the same as I have for my other girls… How? How can I have her accept our situation?
"What I think about it" Upon hearing my question, Shizu fell into silent contemplation. Although she couldn't come up for an immediate answer, just by the way she closed her eyes while her brows furrowed, she's probably trying to arrange her words for me to understand what's actually going on in her mind. Why did she want to lock our relationship only in this room? More than restricting me, she's actually making it hard for herself. Until when will we be able to stay in this room? What will happen if next year, she stopped being the Student Council President? Will that mean that our relationship has to end? I want her. I love her. Not just in this room. Perhaps even if I failed to change her mind and let her come out of her shell, I will continue going after her as long as she doesn't tell me to stay away from her. But this If I agreed to what she's proposing this time, there's a clear end to our relationship. Of course, I can try to change her mind during the times we will be together in this room but being in this limited kind of relationship, how can I show her that this isn't all there is to be in love with each other? Just like with my other girls, I want to take her somewhere, make more memories together. My current outlook is already a lot different than before. If it was before, I might've accepted that. She'll be mine either way. However, this time, I'm now determined to return what they're feeling for me. For Shizu, it's like she's creating another shell or prison for our relationship. Outside it, we'll be unrelated That's how I interpreted this situation she's trying to create. Keeping my hold of her in my arms, while I waited for her answer, I quietly listened to the sound of our breath while closely observing her and this room. Perhaps this is her castle. Here, she controls everything, even me After a few minutes of contemplating, Shizu finally gathered her words to answer my question. As she slowly turned to face me once again, Shizu's expression contained a hint of sadness and worry. " It's a lousy way to take responsibility, Ruki." "I see. Why do you think so?" "In the first place, you already let them go. There's no reason to take them back in. Most if not all are probably only having a hangover with the kind of relationship you let them feel when they're still with you. And that's the reason why they decided to cling onto it, waiting for you to come around." I get what she's saying. Because I decided to take them all in after realizing things about how important Akane is to me, we're now in this kind of relationship. There's that option to just meet with them once to reach some closure with them by doing something that will amount to taking responsibility. But I didn't do that and instead, I rekindled their feelings for me and promised to take them all in. "If you let them go instead, they will eventually forget about it or you. By then, they will be able to go on with their normal lives, with you as just a faraway memory. Their time with you can be something they can reminisce about in the future or forever bury it in their mind since some of them really experienced hardships during their time with you." Shizu continued. She really thought about this a lot. And what she said should really be the logical solution to our situation. But I'm not normal. She overlooked that point. She called it lousy, but it's only applicable to a normal guy. In the first place, I'm nowhere near normal. "I understand. It's lousy, huh? But like I said, I also realized that I love all of them. I'm not saying love for the sake of saying it. I spent a lot of time forgetting that kind of emotion. I know full well and recognize that the emotion I'm feeling for them is love. That's also how it ended up with you, you can call me playboy or anything you want to but like I said, I'm not playing with any of you." "I get that, Ruki but I I can't accept it. I don't want to share you with anyone else, even with Nanami. Protecting her and being your girl is a different matter." "I see. I can now answer your question." I traced her lips with my thumb once more while holding her chin. Just a few minutes earlier, our lips were locked together, lost in the passion we shared for each other. But now No matter how I think about it, I can't agree with what she wanted. Not only will it be too restricted for us, but it will also feel like I'm making a special exception just for her. If I accept, I have to hide our restricted relationship from the girls because if I tell them about it, they will instantly understand the nature of our relationship and it will definitely set precedence. That's something I don't want to do. I love them all equally and that's something they all understand. If she will enter a relationship with me, all of my girls will know about it eventually. It's a lot better for them to find out about it from me rather than finding out by themselves. "I can't accept it. For us to be together but only in this room..." "Un. I understand now. The extent of your unbending will. I guess it was worth my shot I love you, Ruki You're the first guy I fell in love with but I really can't accept sharing you with the others" "Is it really that or are you only afraid to open up to them?" "Perhaps I don't know." "Then" It's over, huh? I have no choice but to pull back and step down. I'm the one who rejected her suggestion. I also have to be the one to move out of her personal space As I released my arms that were holding her closely, I gradually slid out of her seat while gently placing her in my previous position. Although she understood what I was doing, Shizu didn't react and just watched my movements closely. At this moment, the sadness on her face could be clearly seen now. It's as if she would burst out into tears at any moment. With her puckered lips, she's resisting to do that. In the end, she's trying to accept this outcome. Most likely, she's aware that this would be my answer. Upon seeing that, my feelings for her that were about to be bottled up burst out. Cupping her face within my palms, my lips dropped on hers, delivering another kiss. Perhaps this will be the last kiss that we will share. Who knows? In the end, I'm the one who lost control of my emotion. From that simple kiss, it gradually deepened. My arms then picked her up once more, lifting her from her seat and onto the table. "Ruki" Only my name was the only word that Shizu managed to let out when I freed her lips for a moment to catch my breath. Although she's not resisting, she's also not responding to me. Perhaps my image on her was already destroyed and got thrown into the trash. No matter how one looked at this, I was currently forcing her. I understood that I was becoming despicable again but I couldn't stop or rather, I was waiting for her to push me away. But even minutes after and even if my hands were exploring what's hidden beneath her uniform, Shizu didn't do any of that. As soon as I realized that, I finally noticed her hands that were weakly clutching onto my shoulder and her eyes that were closed shut. Ah. Right. I wasn't looking at her properly. I let my emotions get the better of me. Being hit by that realization, I promptly stopped my lips from moving and drew away from her as I pulled my arms out of her uniform. I didn't have the time to even savor what I touched. In fact, it failed to register on my mind. It's like I was venting the feeling of frustrations inside me to her. Before I could say something, Shizu got off her table and turned around to fix what needed to be fixed. With her back facing me, I couldn't see her face and her expression anymore. It's easy to understand that with this, I blew up everything I built with her and perhaps, that would be the last time for me to get near her. Even if she loved me before this, because of what I did, that emotion was now like a balloon running out of helium, it deflated to the point that all the air inside it was now gone. Saying sorry wouldn't cut it. I did something unforgivable. It was one thing to reject her wish but it's another to force myself on her when it's me who rejected her proposition in the first place. "Shizu I won't make any excuse. It's clear to me that I lost control of my emotions and I No, nevermind." There's no point saying I regret it. It will sound like an excuse to invoke empathy from her. "You stopped. That's what's important." "Even so" "I didn't resist, did I?" "No." "Then you did nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. Also, you will look pathetic if you continue on that. I received your answer. Ruki, no, Onoda-kun. Let's take a step back, shall we?" "Yes, that will be for the best." "Un. See you on Friday. I will continue doing the meetings, don't worry." "Alright See you on Friday, Shizu." As I forced myself to smile, I slowly turned around and faced the direction of the door. Traversing the steps away from her, I was somewhat expecting for her to call me back. However, even when I reached the knob and pulled open the door, Shizu's silence remained. At this point, my feet stopped. I was truly afraid to look back to see her expression, however, I was once again bested by my emotion for her. As soon as I turned around, the tear that was running down her eyes was the first thing I captured followed by her lonely figure while trembling at where she was standing. She kept her lips shut tight to prevent her sobs to reach my ears Seeing that, I dropped everything in my mind. Pushing the door close, my whole body moved by itself and reached her side in less than five seconds. When she entered my arm's reach, I immediately pulled her in my embrace, holding her trembling body as her tears started to stain my uniform. "Hate me if you want, Shizu. No way I can leave this room after seeing you like this. I'm aware I'm the reason why you're like this but I don't care. I won't leave you until you calm down." "You You're being cruel again. You're a truly cruel guy. How did I fall for you?" In between her sobs, Shizu replied. Well, being cruel was probably my trait already. As to the answer to her question, only she knew the answer for that so instead of answering, I quietly held her in my arms. Wherever our relationship will go from now on, I still have no idea. At the moment, staying by her side like this is the only thought filling up my mind. My love for this girl is already the same as I have for my other girls How? How can I have her accept our situation?
