I parked in the parking lot in front of the stone building where I would be able to sell some of my old coins. The girls chose to wait outside, with the excuse that they wanted to admire each other's necklaces. I left them to it and took the crate of cases to the trunk of the car. I opened the crate and stored coins into the cases.
Each case held ten coins and there were a hundred cases, so it ended up with a thousand coins in total, which would be over three million dollars. I closed the trunk and carried the crate inside and asked the man behind the counter for the man I had talked to on the phone.
“That was me.” The guy at the desk said.
“Oh. Okay.” I said and put the case on the counter. “Do you want the coins in professional coin...”
“No, we're not interested in the coins themselves. They don't have to be in pristine condition, either. As long as they have the weight and gold content, that's all we care about.”
“All right.” I said and opened the crate and stored the filled cases and put another thousand coins loosely into the crate. “I've got a thousand coins here for sale.”
The man stood up as I turned the crate to show him. “May I?” He asked and I nodded. He took one and felt the weight, then flipped it over. “I don't recognize the markings or the images.” He gave me a squinted look. “I certainly hope that you didn't mint these yourself.”
I chuckled and took out the certification documentation for them. “They are authorized and authenticated by the US Mint and the Department of the Treasury.”
“You're kidding!” The man took the document and read it over. He flipped the page and looked at the metal content. “Very nice, very nice.” He nodded his head several times. “They really went all out checking these things, didn't they?”
“It cost me just over nine million dollars worth of them to get that document, so they are lucky that they went all out.” I said with a chuckle.
“Oh? Did they catch you at a bad time or something?” He asked.
“I was in legal limbo at the time and once they saw what I had....”
The man nodded again. “They milked you good.”
“It's a lot worse than that; but, that's a whole different situation.” I said. “How are we going to handle this exchange?”
“Do you have a bank account?” The man asked.
“I was on my way there and thought I would stop here first to see how this was going to go down.”
“The coins are about two ounces, so you've got about three million or so in gold.” The man said. “No one keeps that kind of actual cash around.”
“I think you'd be surprised.” I said and he chuckled.
“Crazy people don't count.” He responded. “I'll give you our banking information and a slip for a potential sale and transfer of half the amount into your account as soon as you call.”
“Only half?” I asked.
“The rest will be pending on your return here with the goods.” The man said.
I was a little surprised at his offer. “You're going to give me one and a half million and you don't want me to leave some of the gold here?”
The man smiled. “You have a lot more than this, don't you?”
“Of course.” I said.
“We want it.” He said. “Depending on the volume, we could do a lot of business together.”
“You're really eager for gold?” I asked.
“My bosses are. It's one of their little foibles.”
That made me laugh. “I guess that's why you didn't tell me what the upper limit was.”
“I didn't want to get your hopes up, in case you couldn't reach it.”
“It's a billion dollars, isn't it?” I asked.
He looked startled for a second and then gave me a huge smile. “Please, don't tease me like that. It's not nice to...”
“Who's teasing?” I asked and the startled look came back.
“No, you... you can't...”
“I had a hundred million dollars stashed in a safety deposit box and the government confiscated it.”
He took in a sharp breath and stared at me with his mouth open.
“I'm trying to get it back; but, I doubt they will release it in any form. They've had it for six months now.”
The man closed his mouth. “I'm pretty sure that it's been melted down and made into some of the federal reserve's smelted and marked gold bars. They can't physically give you the coins back.”
“I know. I can only hope for monetary compensation, which I also suspect isn't going to happen.” I said and managed to not sigh.
“I should warn you to not get your hopes up. All governments are quick to accept money they believe is owed to them and are very reluctant to hand over money that others believe they owe.” He said with a blank face. “Why don't we quickly discuss exactly what kind of deal we can work out for your...” He paused dramatically. “...billion dollars in gold coins.”
“It's a bit ridiculous of an amount, isn't it?” I asked. “I'll need an armored truck to carry it.”
“That can be arranged.”
“What? Really?” I asked.
“That much gold will be a significant weight.” The man said. “Armed guards will be provided as well.”
“Bags or containers?” I asked.
“Bags for easier movement. Like I said, the condition of the coins is immaterial.”
That got me to thinking about what I had in my inventory. “What if... just hypothetically... I had a ton of pure gold ore?”
The man gasped and put a hand over his heart. “You... oh, my.” He said and took several deep breaths. “Even hypothetically, that would be more than we could ever hope for.”
I chuckled. “Well, I haven't bought the mine yet, so you can relax.”
He gave me a relieved look. “You're stabbing my heart here.”
“I was also distracting you with potential sales later.” I said and he chuckled. We talked about it and we negotiated down to a five percent transferring and handling fee. They would take the gold coins I currently presented to them, then take five percent for themselves right off the top and pay me the remainder. To my surprise, he said he would discuss a further transfer of the billion dollars with his bosses while I was at the bank.
He wrote out the transfer slip, what it was for, and his authorization. He gave me the slip and looked at the container. “I suggest taking it with you, otherwise we won't be obligated to transfer the money.”
I understood what he meant and picked it up. “I'll be back in a little while.”
“I am looking forward to it.” He said and I left the building.
“Aww! They didn't buy them?” Bethany asked.
“They did, I just have to complete the transfer at the bank first.” I said and pretended to put it in the trunk.
“How much?” Stephanie asked as I climbed into the driver's side.
“If the conversion is as high as I suspect, I'll get just over three million dollars and they'll get a hundred and fifty thousand.”
Both girls stared at me with wide open mouths and had stopped breathing.
“Easy, girls.” I said as I turned around and touched their faces to get them to start breathing again. “I'm glad I didn't tell you about the follow-up deal.”
“There's a follow-up deal?” Stephanie asked, surprised.
I chuckled and shook my head. If three million shocked them like that, telling them I've got a tentative deal for a billion dollars could knock them out.
I drove to the bank and just barely made my appointment. The girls came in with me this time, just so they could see the money. I tried to tell them that they wouldn't actually see the money and the woman handling the account creation took pity on them. When everything was set up, with an account for the slush fund and one for my own use, the money was transferred over to the slush fund and she told us to give her a few minutes.
I took the time she was away to call the broker and told him the account number and that he had three million dollars to play with. He thanked me and said he already had word of an old gold mine in a small European country that I couldn't spell. I told him that would be perfect and I would hopefully have a lot more funds available soon.
“It'll only be like thirty thousand euros or so to buy it, so what you have is plenty. The bribes to the government to sell to a foreigner is the problem.”
I chuckled. “Apply for citizenship for me.”
The man was quiet for a moment. “Are you serious?”
“Sure. It's not against the law to gain citizenship in another country.”
“It could be difficult to maintain residency...”
“Check on the laws for me and see what's required. I'm pretty sure I only have to come back to the US once every six months or something. I might as well travel the world and see where my new properties are going to be.”
“You mean...”
“...if it's viable, I'll work to gain citizenship in each country that you can get me property.” I responded and saw the account manager come back. “I have to go. My new account manager has a surprise for the girls I'm here with.”
“Girls?” He asked. “You're even more ambitious than I thought.”
“You don't know the half of it.” I said with a laugh. “Talk to you later.”
I hung up and the account manager led the three of us to their much larger vault. She pointed to a door with a guard and he opened the door for us. Stephanie and Bethany gasped when they saw stacks and stacks of money on the table inside the small room.
“Is that... is it really?” Stephanie asked the account manager as we entered the room and she and Bethany rubbed their hands over it.
“It's three million dollars in various denominations.” The account manager said. “If it was all hundreds, the stacks would be much smaller.”
“Th-three m-million d-dollars.” Bethany whispered and picked up one of the bundles in the stack and took in a big sniff. “It smells soooo good.”
The both of them practically wallowed in the texture and flipped through the bundles and rubbed it on their faces. I let it go on for a few minutes and glanced at the account manager. She didn't have a ring on and I smiled.
“Girls, why don't you thank the nice lady for letting you play with it.”
Stephanie and Bethany's euphoric look switched from the money to the account manager.
“W-wait...” The account manager started to say.
Stephanie stepped close to her. “Thank you.” She whispered and gave her a light kiss on the lips. The woman's face was red and she looked embarrassed, then Stephanie stepped aside and Bethany got in there and really kissed her.
“Thank you very much.” Bethany said and the woman's face was bright red. “We've never seen this much money in person before.” She looked at me. “We've done a lot of neat things today.”
“Now I'm tempted to have her keep this here for you.” I said and both girls let out squeals of delight. “You two are just too cute to say no to.”
They both giggled that 'I'm getting away with something' laugh and then they kissed me, too.
“I'll... make the appropriate arrangements.” The account manager said and then she was surprised when she was kissed again by both girls. “Th-that wasn't necessary.”
Stephanie and Bethany did the same giggle laugh.
“Come on, we have to finish the delivery.” I waved the girls out of the room and I took the account manager's hand. “Thank you for doing this. You've made them very happy.”
“I could tell.” The account manager said and her blush didn't fade.
“I'll have more money transferred as soon as possible into my personal account for this.” I said and let her hand go.
“Are you really going to give them this money?” She asked.
“Not all at once.” I said and heard two 'aww' sounds. “I don't want them to lose interest too quickly.”
“That'll never happen.” Stephanie said.
“This is too much fun to forget about!” Bethany agreed.
“We'll see.” I said and then said goodbye to the account manager. Stephanie and Bethany said goodbye to the money and blew it kisses, and we left the bank to return to the place that bought my gold coins. Not surprisingly, there was an armored car and two guards waiting for me there. I went inside and the man behind the counter gave me a huge smile.
“Can you guess what happened?” He asked.
“They refused my generous offer of a five percent transfer fee for a billion dollars?” I asked and he laughed.
“You're too funny.” He said and I handed him the crate. He dumped the coins into a counting machine and it stopped at a thousand. “Well, it looks like you didn't cheat us.”
That made me laugh. “Yes, cheat the people that are willing to buy my gold, no questions asked.”
He stood up and handed me the receipt for the purchase and then handed me the papers for the next one. I wasn't surprised that he had already calculated, backwards, how many coins I would need to make up a billion dollars and their fee.
“Please, only put a thousand coins in each bag.” He said and showed me the bag he had put the coins in. “It's easier to weigh them and verify without having to count them.”
I nodded. “I assume there's three hundred and thirty bags in the armored car?”
“Yes, and they will take and weigh them as you bring each filled one out for them.” The man said.
“I assume as soon as they are in possession of your guards, the funds will be put into my personal account?”
The man nodded. “It's already set for transfer, just like the three million.”
“That's great. Thank you.” I said and held a hand out to him. He took and and shook it. When I tried to let go, he held on.
“If you do start producing ore, pure or otherwise, please let me know.” The man said. “I would be derelict in my duties to my bosses if I let any opportunity for virgin gold to slip though my fingers.”
I chuckled. “Believe me, as soon as I check the mine out and see what kind of operation is there, I'll contact you to let you know the quality and the amount.”
“Wonderful. Just wonderful.” The man said and let my hand go. “Have a safe journey back home.”
“You, too.” I said and turned to walk away. “Are you allowed to accept tips?”
“That's not normally something that comes up.”
“Then check your suit coat pocket if you believe a tip would be appropriate.” I opened the door and waved. “Unless you work on commission. You'll be rich and a tip won't matter.”
The man nodded and as I stepped out the door, I saw him take out the two gold coins I had left for him.
I parked in the parking lot in front of the stone building where I would be able to sell some of my old coins. The girls chose to wait outside, with the excuse that they wanted to admire each other's necklaces. I left them to it and took the crate of cases to the trunk of the car. I opened the crate and stored coins into the cases.
Each case held ten coins and there were a hundred cases, so it ended up with a thousand coins in total, which would be over three million dollars. I closed the trunk and carried the crate inside and asked the man behind the counter for the man I had talked to on the phone.
“That was me.” The guy at the desk said.
“Oh. Okay.” I said and put the case on the counter. “Do you want the coins in professional coin...”
“No, we're not interested in the coins themselves. They don't have to be in pristine condition, either. As long as they have the weight and gold content, that's all we care about.”
“All right.” I said and opened the crate and stored the filled cases and put another thousand coins loosely into the crate. “I've got a thousand coins here for sale.”
The man stood up as I turned the crate to show him. “May I?” He asked and I nodded. He took one and felt the weight, then flipped it over. “I don't recognize the markings or the images.” He gave me a squinted look. “I certainly hope that you didn't mint these yourself.”
I chuckled and took out the certification documentation for them. “They are authorized and authenticated by the US Mint and the Department of the Treasury.”
“You're kidding!” The man took the document and read it over. He flipped the page and looked at the metal content. “Very nice, very nice.” He nodded his head several times. “They really went all out checking these things, didn't they?”
“It cost me just over nine million dollars worth of them to get that document, so they are lucky that they went all out.” I said with a chuckle.
“Oh? Did they catch you at a bad time or something?” He asked.
“I was in legal limbo at the time and once they saw what I had....”
The man nodded again. “They milked you good.”
“It's a lot worse than that; but, that's a whole different situation.” I said. “How are we going to handle this exchange?”
“Do you have a bank account?” The man asked.
“I was on my way there and thought I would stop here first to see how this was going to go down.”
“The coins are about two ounces, so you've got about three million or so in gold.” The man said. “No one keeps that kind of actual cash around.”
“I think you'd be surprised.” I said and he chuckled.
“Crazy people don't count.” He responded. “I'll give you our banking information and a slip for a potential sale and transfer of half the amount into your account as soon as you call.”
“Only half?” I asked.
“The rest will be pending on your return here with the goods.” The man said.
I was a little surprised at his offer. “You're going to give me one and a half million and you don't want me to leave some of the gold here?”
The man smiled. “You have a lot more than this, don't you?”
“Of course.” I said.
“We want it.” He said. “Depending on the volume, we could do a lot of business together.”
“You're really eager for gold?” I asked.
“My bosses are. It's one of their little foibles.”
That made me laugh. “I guess that's why you didn't tell me what the upper limit was.”
“I didn't want to get your hopes up, in case you couldn't reach it.”
“It's a billion dollars, isn't it?” I asked.
He looked startled for a second and then gave me a huge smile. “Please, don't tease me like that. It's not nice to...”
“Who's teasing?” I asked and the startled look came back.
“No, you... you can't...”
“I had a hundred million dollars stashed in a safety deposit box and the government confiscated it.”
He took in a sharp breath and stared at me with his mouth open.
“I'm trying to get it back; but, I doubt they will release it in any form. They've had it for six months now.”
The man closed his mouth. “I'm pretty sure that it's been melted down and made into some of the federal reserve's smelted and marked gold bars. They can't physically give you the coins back.”
“I know. I can only hope for monetary compensation, which I also suspect isn't going to happen.” I said and managed to not sigh.
“I should warn you to not get your hopes up. All governments are quick to accept money they believe is owed to them and are very reluctant to hand over money that others believe they owe.” He said with a blank face. “Why don't we quickly discuss exactly what kind of deal we can work out for your...” He paused dramatically. “...billion dollars in gold coins.”
“It's a bit ridiculous of an amount, isn't it?” I asked. “I'll need an armored truck to carry it.”
“That can be arranged.”
“What? Really?” I asked.
“That much gold will be a significant weight.” The man said. “Armed guards will be provided as well.”
“Bags or containers?” I asked.
“Bags for easier movement. Like I said, the condition of the coins is immaterial.”
That got me to thinking about what I had in my inventory. “What if... just hypothetically... I had a ton of pure gold ore?”
The man gasped and put a hand over his heart. “You... oh, my.” He said and took several deep breaths. “Even hypothetically, that would be more than we could ever hope for.”
I chuckled. “Well, I haven't bought the mine yet, so you can relax.”
He gave me a relieved look. “You're stabbing my heart here.”
“I was also distracting you with potential sales later.” I said and he chuckled. We talked about it and we negotiated down to a five percent transferring and handling fee. They would take the gold coins I currently presented to them, then take five percent for themselves right off the top and pay me the remainder. To my surprise, he said he would discuss a further transfer of the billion dollars with his bosses while I was at the bank.
He wrote out the transfer slip, what it was for, and his authorization. He gave me the slip and looked at the container. “I suggest taking it with you, otherwise we won't be obligated to transfer the money.”
I understood what he meant and picked it up. “I'll be back in a little while.”
“I am looking forward to it.” He said and I left the building.
“Aww! They didn't buy them?” Bethany asked.
“They did, I just have to complete the transfer at the bank first.” I said and pretended to put it in the trunk.
“How much?” Stephanie asked as I climbed into the driver's side.
“If the conversion is as high as I suspect, I'll get just over three million dollars and they'll get a hundred and fifty thousand.”
Both girls stared at me with wide open mouths and had stopped breathing.
“Easy, girls.” I said as I turned around and touched their faces to get them to start breathing again. “I'm glad I didn't tell you about the follow-up deal.”
“There's a follow-up deal?” Stephanie asked, surprised.
I chuckled and shook my head. If three million shocked them like that, telling them I've got a tentative deal for a billion dollars could knock them out.
I drove to the bank and just barely made my appointment. The girls came in with me this time, just so they could see the money. I tried to tell them that they wouldn't actually see the money and the woman handling the account creation took pity on them. When everything was set up, with an account for the slush fund and one for my own use, the money was transferred over to the slush fund and she told us to give her a few minutes.
I took the time she was away to call the broker and told him the account number and that he had three million dollars to play with. He thanked me and said he already had word of an old gold mine in a small European country that I couldn't spell. I told him that would be perfect and I would hopefully have a lot more funds available soon.
“It'll only be like thirty thousand euros or so to buy it, so what you have is plenty. The bribes to the government to sell to a foreigner is the problem.”
I chuckled. “Apply for citizenship for me.”
The man was quiet for a moment. “Are you serious?”
“Sure. It's not against the law to gain citizenship in another country.”
“It could be difficult to maintain residency...”
“Check on the laws for me and see what's required. I'm pretty sure I only have to come back to the US once every six months or something. I might as well travel the world and see where my new properties are going to be.”
“You mean...”
“...if it's viable, I'll work to gain citizenship in each country that you can get me property.” I responded and saw the account manager come back. “I have to go. My new account manager has a surprise for the girls I'm here with.”
“Girls?” He asked. “You're even more ambitious than I thought.”
“You don't know the half of it.” I said with a laugh. “Talk to you later.”
I hung up and the account manager led the three of us to their much larger vault. She pointed to a door with a guard and he opened the door for us. Stephanie and Bethany gasped when they saw stacks and stacks of money on the table inside the small room.
“Is that... is it really?” Stephanie asked the account manager as we entered the room and she and Bethany rubbed their hands over it.
“It's three million dollars in various denominations.” The account manager said. “If it was all hundreds, the stacks would be much smaller.”
“Th-three m-million d-dollars.” Bethany whispered and picked up one of the bundles in the stack and took in a big sniff. “It smells soooo good.”
The both of them practically wallowed in the texture and flipped through the bundles and rubbed it on their faces. I let it go on for a few minutes and glanced at the account manager. She didn't have a ring on and I smiled.
“Girls, why don't you thank the nice lady for letting you play with it.”
Stephanie and Bethany's euphoric look switched from the money to the account manager.
“W-wait...” The account manager started to say.
Stephanie stepped close to her. “Thank you.” She whispered and gave her a light kiss on the lips. The woman's face was red and she looked embarrassed, then Stephanie stepped aside and Bethany got in there and really kissed her.
“Thank you very much.” Bethany said and the woman's face was bright red. “We've never seen this much money in person before.” She looked at me. “We've done a lot of neat things today.”
“Now I'm tempted to have her keep this here for you.” I said and both girls let out squeals of delight. “You two are just too cute to say no to.”
They both giggled that 'I'm getting away with something' laugh and then they kissed me, too.
“I'll... make the appropriate arrangements.” The account manager said and then she was surprised when she was kissed again by both girls. “Th-that wasn't necessary.”
Stephanie and Bethany did the same giggle laugh.
“Come on, we have to finish the delivery.” I waved the girls out of the room and I took the account manager's hand. “Thank you for doing this. You've made them very happy.”
“I could tell.” The account manager said and her blush didn't fade.
“I'll have more money transferred as soon as possible into my personal account for this.” I said and let her hand go.
“Are you really going to give them this money?” She asked.
“Not all at once.” I said and heard two 'aww' sounds. “I don't want them to lose interest too quickly.”
“That'll never happen.” Stephanie said.
“This is too much fun to forget about!” Bethany agreed.
“We'll see.” I said and then said goodbye to the account manager. Stephanie and Bethany said goodbye to the money and blew it kisses, and we left the bank to return to the place that bought my gold coins. Not surprisingly, there was an armored car and two guards waiting for me there. I went inside and the man behind the counter gave me a huge smile.
“Can you guess what happened?” He asked.
“They refused my generous offer of a five percent transfer fee for a billion dollars?” I asked and he laughed.
“You're too funny.” He said and I handed him the crate. He dumped the coins into a counting machine and it stopped at a thousand. “Well, it looks like you didn't cheat us.”
That made me laugh. “Yes, cheat the people that are willing to buy my gold, no questions asked.”
He stood up and handed me the receipt for the purchase and then handed me the papers for the next one. I wasn't surprised that he had already calculated, backwards, how many coins I would need to make up a billion dollars and their fee.
“Please, only put a thousand coins in each bag.” He said and showed me the bag he had put the coins in. “It's easier to weigh them and verify without having to count them.”
I nodded. “I assume there's three hundred and thirty bags in the armored car?”
“Yes, and they will take and weigh them as you bring each filled one out for them.” The man said.
“I assume as soon as they are in possession of your guards, the funds will be put into my personal account?”
The man nodded. “It's already set for transfer, just like the three million.”
“That's great. Thank you.” I said and held a hand out to him. He took and and shook it. When I tried to let go, he held on.
“If you do start producing ore, pure or otherwise, please let me know.” The man said. “I would be derelict in my duties to my bosses if I let any opportunity for virgin gold to slip though my fingers.”
I chuckled. “Believe me, as soon as I check the mine out and see what kind of operation is there, I'll contact you to let you know the quality and the amount.”
“Wonderful. Just wonderful.” The man said and let my hand go. “Have a safe journey back home.”
“You, too.” I said and turned to walk away. “Are you allowed to accept tips?”
“That's not normally something that comes up.”
“Then check your suit coat pocket if you believe a tip would be appropriate.” I opened the door and waved. “Unless you work on commission. You'll be rich and a tip won't matter.”
The man nodded and as I stepped out the door, I saw him take out the two gold coins I had left for him.
