Chapter 324: Self-Loathing
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AARYN
Aaryn had been so overwhelmed by Elreth—all his problems fell away, every bad thought or feeling was just gone. He'd savored every second. But then… when he hit climax, it was like it broke his chest open. And every ugly, sad, horrific thing that had happened just washed over him. He'd slumped against her, his eyes stinging, throat pinching. He'd tried to swallow it back. But… he just couldn't.
Fuck, he hated himself sometimes. Like she didn't have enough to deal with, now he was turning into a whining pup?
Elreth's arms were suddenly around his head, holding him tightly as she whispered in his ear.
"Aaryn… Aaryn… I'm here. I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Why was she apologizing? It wasn't her fault his life had gone to hell. Without her, he didn't think he would have survived this far. He wanted to tell her that, to explain that she didn't have any reason to be sorry. But when he opened his mouth, only a sob came out, so he snapped it shut again, shuddering, as he tried to bring himself back under control.
They were still together, still plastered against the wall—she'd been so amazing. So freaking hot, he wished he could put all this pain aside and just start all over again. Instead he clung to his mate like a pup, trembling.
They stayed there for a long time, until his back was aching, holding her up. And she continued to whisper comfort and reassurance. And his embarrassment grew.
Finally, when he could blink and swallow enough to keep the tears at bay, he straightened his head and sheepishly looked down at her.
Elreth's face was lined with worry. She immediately put a hand to his cheek.
"Aaryn—"
"I'm fine. Thank you for being kind."
"You're not fine!"
He rolled his eyes and let her down, his body already springing to attention when she slid along him to put her feet to the floor.
Elreth raised her eyebrow at him, one side of her mouth tipping up. He couldn't resist, he kissed her again—probably too hard. Too aggressively. But she met him there and held him tightly.
"Thank you," he whispered against her lips. "Sorry to rain on that very, very awesome parade."
She ran her hand through his hair, her eyes still clouded with worry. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Absolutely not," he said with a shudder. "I want to talk about anything else except that."
"But—"
"No, El. I know how this looks, but the reality is, I just need to grieve, you know? That's all. I just need to feel it and deal with it, and move on. And for me, the best way to do that is to keep moving forward. If I sit here and wallow in this…" His face twisted in disgust at the mental image of himself curled up like a babe in the furs, hiding his head the way his mother used to. He turned his face away, eyes closed to shake the image off. "No," he repeated. "The very best thing for me is to focus elsewhere. To do something useful. To be helpful."
She stared at him, her expression clearly saying she disagreed, but didn't want to say anything. He was grateful.
He finally turned away, taking her hand, reaching up with his free hand to wipe his eyes when he wasn't facing her, leading her towards the bathing pools. "I think what we both need is a good soak. Then… then we'll talk about… everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything that's happening with the disformed and Gar and… all that stuff."
Elreth sighed, but kept pace with him. As they walked through the cave, to the kitchen and beyond to the door into the pools, he still hadn't let go of her hand. He told himself that was because he wanted to be close to her. Not because he was afraid.
When he pushed to door into the pools and it swung wide, revealing the dark cavern, the high ceiling with the small waterfall, the two pools, side by side, and the expanse of shallow water in between where they mixed… Aaryn suddenly saw him and Elreth.
Just like those pools—one ran cold, the other hot. But there was a… blending in the middle. A connection where they both existed. Together they served a stronger purpose than either of them alone.
As Elreth removed her shirt and they both stepped into the warm mineral pool, he told her what he was seeing. The symbolism of it.
Her eyes got shiny and when he settled on the bench in the water, she walked over to stand in front of him, her knees either side of his, then lowered herself into his lap, taking his face in her hands and kissing him.
"That's beautiful," she whispered.
He shrugged, far more interested in the way her soft, wet breasts, full and floating in the water, felt against his chest. And the warm pressure of her seat on his thighs.
Grasping her ass, he pulled her closer, so they were close enough to join, and Elreth's eyebrows rose again.
"Don't you think we should—"
"Mate again? Yes, definitely," he growled, sliding his hand up her side, over her breast, up her neck to clasp her there, his thumb on her jaw, and pulled her forward into a kiss.
A much slower kiss this time, soft and savoring.
Elreth made a little sigh and shifted her weight, but her lips were open and soft, her tongue dancing with his.
But just as his body began to respond, to seek her, she pulled away and held his gaze, her own narrowed with worry.
Sitting under that gaze made him squirm. "Don't worry about it, El. I felt the feelings and I let you see it. That's the right thing to do. But now I'm feeling better." He forced himself to hold her gaze because he knew if he avoided her, she wouldn't believe him.
Instead, a question flittered across her gaze, but she took his face in both hands and leaned in. He though she might kiss him again, and he smiled, but she stopped when they were almost nose to nose, her eyes searching his.
"No matter what's happening, I care about what's going on with you. Don't hide from me. And if you need a break… just take it. I won't get angry or… or say anything to anyone else. I'll go with you if I can. And if I can't… all you have to do is tell me you need me, Aaryn. I'll be there."
He was swallowing that pinch in his throat again, but he took a deep breath and stroked her hair back with one hand. "Thank you," he murmured. "I love you, El."
"I love you, too, Aaryn."
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AARYN
Aaryn had been so overwhelmed by Elreth—all his problems fell away, every bad thought or feeling was just gone. He'd savored every second. But then… when he hit climax, it was like it broke his chest open. And every ugly, sad, horrific thing that had happened just washed over him. He'd slumped against her, his eyes stinging, throat pinching. He'd tried to swallow it back. But… he just couldn't.
Fuck, he hated himself sometimes. Like she didn't have enough to deal with, now he was turning into a whining pup?
Elreth's arms were suddenly around his head, holding him tightly as she whispered in his ear.
"Aaryn… Aaryn… I'm here. I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Why was she apologizing? It wasn't her fault his life had gone to hell. Without her, he didn't think he would have survived this far. He wanted to tell her that, to explain that she didn't have any reason to be sorry. But when he opened his mouth, only a sob came out, so he snapped it shut again, shuddering, as he tried to bring himself back under control.
They were still together, still plastered against the wall—she'd been so amazing. So freaking hot, he wished he could put all this pain aside and just start all over again. Instead he clung to his mate like a pup, trembling.
They stayed there for a long time, until his back was aching, holding her up. And she continued to whisper comfort and reassurance. And his embarrassment grew.
Finally, when he could blink and swallow enough to keep the tears at bay, he straightened his head and sheepishly looked down at her.
Elreth's face was lined with worry. She immediately put a hand to his cheek.
"Aaryn—"
"I'm fine. Thank you for being kind."
"You're not fine!"
He rolled his eyes and let her down, his body already springing to attention when she slid along him to put her feet to the floor.
Elreth raised her eyebrow at him, one side of her mouth tipping up. He couldn't resist, he kissed her again—probably too hard. Too aggressively. But she met him there and held him tightly.
"Thank you," he whispered against her lips. "Sorry to rain on that very, very awesome parade."
She ran her hand through his hair, her eyes still clouded with worry. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Absolutely not," he said with a shudder. "I want to talk about anything else except that."
"But—"
"No, El. I know how this looks, but the reality is, I just need to grieve, you know? That's all. I just need to feel it and deal with it, and move on. And for me, the best way to do that is to keep moving forward. If I sit here and wallow in this…" His face twisted in disgust at the mental image of himself curled up like a babe in the furs, hiding his head the way his mother used to. He turned his face away, eyes closed to shake the image off. "No," he repeated. "The very best thing for me is to focus elsewhere. To do something useful. To be helpful."
She stared at him, her expression clearly saying she disagreed, but didn't want to say anything. He was grateful.
He finally turned away, taking her hand, reaching up with his free hand to wipe his eyes when he wasn't facing her, leading her towards the bathing pools. "I think what we both need is a good soak. Then… then we'll talk about… everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything that's happening with the disformed and Gar and… all that stuff."
Elreth sighed, but kept pace with him. As they walked through the cave, to the kitchen and beyond to the door into the pools, he still hadn't let go of her hand. He told himself that was because he wanted to be close to her. Not because he was afraid.
When he pushed to door into the pools and it swung wide, revealing the dark cavern, the high ceiling with the small waterfall, the two pools, side by side, and the expanse of shallow water in between where they mixed… Aaryn suddenly saw him and Elreth.
Just like those pools—one ran cold, the other hot. But there was a… blending in the middle. A connection where they both existed. Together they served a stronger purpose than either of them alone.
As Elreth removed her shirt and they both stepped into the warm mineral pool, he told her what he was seeing. The symbolism of it.
Her eyes got shiny and when he settled on the bench in the water, she walked over to stand in front of him, her knees either side of his, then lowered herself into his lap, taking his face in her hands and kissing him.
"That's beautiful," she whispered.
He shrugged, far more interested in the way her soft, wet breasts, full and floating in the water, felt against his chest. And the warm pressure of her seat on his thighs.
Grasping her ass, he pulled her closer, so they were close enough to join, and Elreth's eyebrows rose again.
"Don't you think we should—"
"Mate again? Yes, definitely," he growled, sliding his hand up her side, over her breast, up her neck to clasp her there, his thumb on her jaw, and pulled her forward into a kiss.
A much slower kiss this time, soft and savoring.
Elreth made a little sigh and shifted her weight, but her lips were open and soft, her tongue dancing with his.
But just as his body began to respond, to seek her, she pulled away and held his gaze, her own narrowed with worry.
Sitting under that gaze made him squirm. "Don't worry about it, El. I felt the feelings and I let you see it. That's the right thing to do. But now I'm feeling better." He forced himself to hold her gaze because he knew if he avoided her, she wouldn't believe him.
Instead, a question flittered across her gaze, but she took his face in both hands and leaned in. He though she might kiss him again, and he smiled, but she stopped when they were almost nose to nose, her eyes searching his.
"No matter what's happening, I care about what's going on with you. Don't hide from me. And if you need a break… just take it. I won't get angry or… or say anything to anyone else. I'll go with you if I can. And if I can't… all you have to do is tell me you need me, Aaryn. I'll be there."
He was swallowing that pinch in his throat again, but he took a deep breath and stroked her hair back with one hand. "Thank you," he murmured. "I love you, El."
"I love you, too, Aaryn."
AARYNAaryn had been so overwhelmed by Elrethall his problems fell away, every bad thought or feeling was just gone. He'd savored every second. But then when he hit climax, it was like it broke his chest open. And every ugly, sad, horrific thing that had happened just washed over him. He'd slumped against her, his eyes stinging, throat pinching. He'd tried to swallow it back. But he just couldn't.Fuck, he hated himself sometimes. Like she didn't have enough to deal with, now he was turning into a whining pup?Elreth's arms were suddenly around his head, holding him tightly as she whispered in his ear."Aaryn Aaryn I'm here. I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."Why was she apologizing? It wasn't her fault his life had gone to hell. Without her, he didn't think he would have survived this far. He wanted to tell her that, to explain that she didn't have any reason to be sorry. But when he opened his mouth, only a sob came out, so he snapped it shut again, shuddering, as he tried to bring himself back under control.They were still together, still plastered against the wallshe'd been so amazing. So freaking hot, he wished he could put all this pain aside and just start all over again. Instead he clung to his mate like a pup, trembling.They stayed there for a long time, until his back was aching, holding her up. And she continued to whisper comfort and reassurance. And his embarrassment grew.Finally, when he could blink and swallow enough to keep the tears at bay, he straightened his head and sheepishly looked down at her.Elreth's face was lined with worry. She immediately put a hand to his cheek."Aaryn""I'm fine. Thank you for being kind.""You're not fine!"He rolled his eyes and let her down, his body already springing to attention when she slid along him to put her feet to the floor.Elreth raised her eyebrow at him, one side of her mouth tipping up. He couldn't resist, he kissed her againprobably too hard. Too aggressively. But she met him there and held him tightly."Thank you," he whispered against her lips. "Sorry to rain on that very, very awesome parade."She ran her hand through his hair, her eyes still clouded with worry. "Do you want to talk about it?""Absolutely not," he said with a shudder. "I want to talk about anything else except that.""But""No, El. I know how this looks, but the reality is, I just need to grieve, you know? That's all. I just need to feel it and deal with it, and move on. And for me, the best way to do that is to keep moving forward. If I sit here and wallow in this" His face twisted in disgust at the mental image of himself curled up like a babe in the furs, hiding his head the way his mother used to. He turned his face away, eyes closed to shake the image off. "No," he repeated. "The very best thing for me is to focus elsewhere. To do something useful. To be helpful."She stared at him, her expression clearly saying she disagreed, but didn't want to say anything. He was grateful.He finally turned away, taking her hand, reaching up with his free hand to wipe his eyes when he wasn't facing her, leading her towards the bathing pools. "I think what we both need is a good soak. Then then we'll talk about everything.""Everything?""Everything that's happening with the disformed and Gar and all that stuff."Elreth sighed, but kept pace with him. As they walked through the cave, to the kitchen and beyond to the door into the pools, he still hadn't let go of her hand. He told himself that was because he wanted to be close to her. Not because he was afraid.When he pushed to door into the pools and it swung wide, revealing the dark cavern, the high ceiling with the small waterfall, the two pools, side by side, and the expanse of shallow water in between where they mixed Aaryn suddenly saw him and Elreth.Just like those poolsone ran cold, the other hot. But there was a blending in the middle. A connection where they both existed. Together they served a stronger purpose than either of them alone.As Elreth removed her shirt and they both stepped into the warm mineral pool, he told her what he was seeing. The symbolism of it.Her eyes got shiny and when he settled on the bench in the water, she walked over to stand in front of him, her knees either side of his, then lowered herself into his lap, taking his face in her hands and kissing him."That's beautiful," she whispered.He shrugged, far more interested in the way her soft, wet breasts, full and floating in the water, felt against his chest. And the warm pressure of her seat on his thighs.Grasping her ass, he pulled her closer, so they were close enough to join, and Elreth's eyebrows rose again."Don't you think we should""Mate again? Yes, definitely," he growled, sliding his hand up her side, over her breast, up her neck to clasp her there, his thumb on her jaw, and pulled her forward into a kiss.A much slower kiss this time, soft and savoring.Elreth made a little sigh and shifted her weight, but her lips were open and soft, her tongue dancing with his.But just as his body began to respond, to seek her, she pulled away and held his gaze, her own narrowed with worry.Sitting under that gaze made him squirm. "Don't worry about it, El. I felt the feelings and I let you see it. That's the right thing to do. But now I'm feeling better." He forced himself to hold her gaze because he knew if he avoided her, she wouldn't believe him.Instead, a question flittered across her gaze, but she took his face in both hands and leaned in. He though she might kiss him again, and he smiled, but she stopped when they were almost nose to nose, her eyes searching his."No matter what's happening, I care about what's going on with you. Don't hide from me. And if you need a break just take it. I won't get angry or or say anything to anyone else. I'll go with you if I can. And if I can't all you have to do is tell me you need me, Aaryn. I'll be there."He was swallowing that pinch in his throat again, but he took a deep breath and stroked her hair back with one hand. "Thank you," he murmured. "I love you, El.""I love you, too, Aaryn."
