68.
The air in the ballroom calmed further, like the calm after a storm had passed.
Kyle clicked his tongue at the fuming Duchess Garten. He was someone who was not supposed to be here at all. If Count Pantetz, who was originally appointed to visit Conrad, had not been replaced by Duke Garten due to family matters, and Duke Garten giving him a favor, he would never have stepped in here.
‘Kyle, what the hell were you thinking, liaising1 with him!?’
Kyle frowned as he recalled the fit of rage that had befallen him.
“Damn, who thinks I’m doing this because I want to?”
He also had his own self-respect. He couldn’t help but feel disgusted by Garten, who abandoned them back in the day and became the only family who escaped unscathed. But what could he do? He was born as the eldest grandson2 of the esteemed House Robert. He had to live up to his family’s name.
Kyle was a knight from a great family, but his future prospects were crushed by Bernhardt. Not to mention, the best he could do was be Duke Garten’s escort.
His father, Marquis Robert, was old and avoided taking risks. Having lost his wife and daughter, Marquis Robert chose to live in the mansion like a dead mouse— without ever trying to seize any of the power he once had. Kyle laughed at it. The Marquis’s surviving son, on the other hand, was disillusioned with his inconsiderate selfishness.
So this is where Father came from. Kyle desired to revive House Robert. For that, he could even bear the shame of leeching off a traitor.
Robert will rise again. I will see to it. And the day that happens, I will get revenge on those who ruined my family.
“To kill other people’s families…” Grind. He chipped his teeth. Even though it was only from afar, his rage flared all the more so when he saw Marquis Visaride and Duchess Bernhardt. Nevertheless, it was coupled with a feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything. That’s what it was, to have no power.
So, he wanted to rise to a higher position, even if he had to borrow Garten’s power to do so, no matter how pathetic it was. Marquis Robert called it his greed and scolded him to be like his younger brother, but Kyle did not care.
At this rate, Robert would be expelled from the Council of Nobles of Grania— just like Damonshire was.
Chewing on his words, Kyle said to the man standing next to him, “This humiliation, this disgrace… Let’s pay them all back one day. That day will come.”
“…”
“What’s wrong, Juan?”
Kyle saw his brother’s frozen expression. His gentle brown eyes were unusually vacant. His lips parted only when Kyle felt strange and put his hand on his shoulder.
“…Don’t ever….”
“…”
“Call me to such a place again, Brother.”
He shook off Kyle’s hand and strode away with a soft crunch.
His callus gesture dumbfounded Kyle. Be like him? As I thought, Father is clearly mistaken.
* * *
Held firmly by Vicente, Ercella crossed the wide hall. They arrived on an unoccupied terrace.
When Vicente opened the door, the cool breeze gently pushed the hem of Ercella’s dress. Vicente crossed the threshold and walked to the railing before releasing her arm.
“Are you okay?” Ercella asked while walking quickly and without paying mind to tidy up her messy hair.
His past of being shunned/neglected by his mother was revealed in detail in front of strangers. He couldn’t have been okay.
“Were you ever bothered by random gossip? Never mind those people. It’s not because they see you in a bad light, it’s just entertainment for them. You don’t need to feel hurt because of those people…”
Ercella’s lips closed slowly on Vicente’s emotionless expression.
“…I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have come here.”
Words of consolation turned into an apology. We shouldn’t have come. She recounted her regrets in her heart, but the mocking gazes directed towards her and Vicente were already imprinted in her memory.
“Sorry.” Ercella clenched her fists so hard that her knuckles turned white. Vicente may have thoughtlessly done something unbecoming, but it wasn’t his fault.
From the beginning… Had she acted properly as a mother from the beginning, she wouldn’t have received such criticism.
Above all, their criticism was just an ulterior motive to bring her down below Garten. However, to think that Vicente was used in the process made Ercella furious.
“Let’s go home. Let’s go back and never come back here again. There are so many people who live well despite being unaware of these kinds of entertainment, I feel so bad towards you—!”
She pulled Vicente’s arm and shouted, but Vicente stood still, unmoving like a solid rock. At that, Ercella clenched her lips tightly and pulled her arm holding Vicente’s again.
“Why did you do that?”
His incongruous low voice slowed her down.
“Why did you do that?” He repeated calmly, as if talking to himself. But Ercella sensed the strange twist hidden in that calmness.
“Are you angry?”
His eyes, which sank deeper the more he got angry, resembled Harsen’s.
“You went overboard,” Vicente said tersely, but it was not difficult to tell that he was in a bad mood.
His eyes looked cooler than usual as if she were deeply upset by her reckless behavior earlier.
Ercella sighed. She deserved it, for she bowed before Garten without dignity, forsaking Bernhardt’s honor.
“Don’t worry, our family’s reputation won’t be tarnished just because of this. But I’ll try my best to fix it—”
“Is that what’s important right now?”
“Vicente?”
Ercella’s eyes grew wide at his seemingly edgy voice.
“I know that it was my fault from the start and it became such an issue because of my family name. An issue that would have ended with only me being criticized. There was no reason for Mother to bow before anyone. To mindlessly…”
…act like that.
It wasn’t hard to guess the words Vicente shoved down his throat. Even if she thought about it herself, her response earlier was foolish and it was true that she acted without thinking.
But what to do? Even if she regretted it, it was already past. Ercella laughed a little, “It’s my fault.”
It was in the past, but she was the reason this incident happened in the first place. And she felt no regret admitting that she was indeed embarrassed for a moment back there.
“It is the role of parents to educate their children on manners and etiquette. But I didn’t teach you nor did I provide you with an etiquette teacher. So it is right for me to apologize for this.”
Ercella, who embraced everything as her fault, laughed, at which Vicente sneered.
“Please don’t pretend you didn’t know. You already know that I have an etiquette teacher.” His guts twisted at the sight of Ercella pretending to be a benevolent saint. But what was even worse…
“You do!”
Were those eyes that smiled no matter how harsh his words were as if she were praised.
“Yes, you’re actually right. So how about this? I just didn’t want to dance with Duke Garten, and had a headache from how loud people were. But I didn’t know how to get out of the situation and I wasn’t wise about it. Maybe that’s why I went overboard as you said.”
Vicente looked at Ercella as if confused.
“What to do? Your mother is such a foolish person. I hope you’ll understand your mother with a big heart.”
Why are you laughing?
He frowned at Ercella, who put on an inappropriate, silly smile. He remembered her shoulders shaking from the insults and her sinking voice, choked as if her throat was squeezed.
She was a woman who had been living as Bernhardt and Visaride. She was not the kind of woman to be beaten by evident schemes nor humble herself by calling herself a fool.
It was not humility, but a choice of words that nobles would be ashamed of. She was not to utter it without feeling humiliated.
She was a Duchess, a marquis’s daughter, and the noblest woman in the country. She was not just a mother.
Just because you’re acting like a mother now, do you think you’ve become a real mother? Swallowing a wry smile, Vicente’s expression gradually grew colder. “What if I did it on purpose?”
Ercella’s eyes gradually froze, but Vicente did not stop his chilling words.
“I did it on purpose. I did it because I was curious to see how far you would go.”
He’d rather have Ersella disappointed, angry with him. Then at least she would not seem abominable.
“You are free to do so.”
But Ercella was neither disappointed nor angry.
“No matter what you do, I’ll be fine.”
She still spoke uncomfortable words, flaunting that abominable mask. Vicente laughed a little crookedly, “Is it not upsetting to apologize for your past mistakes? Do you think you have wronged me immensely, so you want to make up for it?”
“What if I don’t feel upset?”
“…”
But that smile was immediately erased. It was erased and covered with an expressionless face. A white cloth fell on a shabby sailboat. The waves still cover the raging sea…
And the wind was…warm.
It felt like the wind would lead her to a vast land.
“I’m really not upset.”
He clenched his jaw. If he didn’t, everything else would have twisted. Obviously, his eyes, mouth and expression would have contorted to a bizarre shape.
All the more so when he gazed at those eyes. How was it that those eyes were still unaffected without dimming even slightly when everything of his was about to be terribly distorted?
“I’m not upset at you at all right now.”
At her unpleasantly meek voice, Vicente’s expressionless face gradually distorted. Don’t respond to provocation. Agree, concede, and forfeit smoothly. However, it was as vain as holding onto grains of sand slipping out of his grasp, and he uttered blankly, “…It’s sickening.”
And only then did the wearisome smile vanish from Ercella’s face.
“Oh… I…am…”
The trembling eyelashes blinked open. The visibly quivering azure eyes revealed in the meantime gave Vicente a vague sense of relief.
It felt like everything was back in place now and it was possible to return to the past.
“I’m…”
Ercella stuttered in embarrassment, but Vicente knew what she was saying.
“Sorry. I’m very…”
There was a laugh.
“I’m very—”
“You…”
That’s what I thought.
“…only say sorry to me.”
Ercella’s shoulders shuddered in surprise at his emotionless words. What is he thinking? Even if she was suddenly curious about it…
“Of course… I’m sorry.”
Realizing in her head what a fleeting mistake it was, her spirits quickly waned
“No,” he denied. “Mother isn’t truly sorry for me. You just habitually say this word to ease yourself of the guilt. You’re sorry, you’ll always say it whenever you get the chance. Whether it’s an issue that requires an apology or not, you’ll apologize whenever you look at me, right? If that’s your way of atonement, I would accept it as such… But, you know what? It’s too unpleasant for me to hear. Every time I hear it, I only feel uncomfortable and annoyed.”
Vicente looked directly at Ercella— never avoiding her fragile blue eyes that looked like they were about to shatter— he continued, “So, ultimately, you’re the only one who’s at ease.”
“…”
“Just as selfish as you used to be, you’ve never changed.”
The last blade-like sentence made Ercella shut her eyes tightly.
‘Ah…’
Thump-thump, pointing at her irregularly pounding heart, she thought dazedly. You lived selfishly. You haven’t changed. She remarked to herself.
Ercella wanted to say no right away. She wanted to explain that her apologies were never meant to ease herself and that they came from a sincere heart without a hint of deceit. However, her doubts about herself invariably permeated into her heart.
Am I really selfish?
Don’t you already know? Vicente doesn’t want your apology.
Don’t you really want to be forgiven?
That kind of greed… Can you really deny it? Be honest… Is it okay if your endless apologies aren’t accepted?
Ercella clenched her hand at the flood of suspicions. And she thought. What did I do wrong this time? What’s wrong? Is it so wrong to say I’m sorry?
Then what should I do?
But the answer that never reached her dropped Ercella’s head crushingly.
Vicente indifferently watched Ercella, who was about to crumble just from touch. Her weak body looked as pitiful as a lamp that was about to extinguish, but why does hatred add weight on him?
He knew why. He didn’t hesitate to hurt the woman in front of him because he was tired of it.
“Are you avoiding me again? You always shirk away and hide, living your life as you please. I suppose it’s become a habit because Father accepts everything you do.” He despised the way she always avoided and ran away.
“Were you always like that with him, too? Looking like you’re about to cry, just like you’re with me right now? How old are you…” Vicente nervously deflected his gaze at her quivering clenched pale hand. “Just as a bunch of apologies doesn’t solve everything, it’s too late to cry over spilled milk. Aren’t you old enough to not act selfishly? You sure live a very convenient life. What on earth did you think you were doing? Don’t you care about the people around you? Why are you always so…!”
“…What was I supposed to do then?” Unable to contain it, her rising voice rasped in his ear. Ercella finally appeared from behind the words she had locked forever in her throat.
“Tell me. What…should I do?” Ercella was looking at him with eyes that were ready to shed tears as soon as her eyelids fell.
“I’m so sorry toward you, so much that I’m dying. I feel sorry… Is that wrong?”
“…”
“…Are you disgusted?”
Vicente chewed the inside of his mouth. Yes, it’s disgusting to try to escape the situation with tears.
“I’m waiting for you. I-I keep on…really….” Her voice trembled with tears in her eyes. Ercella poured out endless words as if she was voicing a sorrowful cry. “You-you’re avoiding me…I k-know. I know, but I k-keep waiting. I wait. That’s all I could do.”
Then at some point…
“That’s all I could do!”
The trembling stopped.
“I feel sorry and want to atone for my sins, but all I can do is wait! I..!”
The angry cries pierced his heart. Vicente swallowed his dried saliva. He couldn’t breathe, like a man that was being strangled from his throat.
“Then what should I have done?”
“…”
“Do I…Do I have to complain to you that I was having a hard time, that I was young and scared back then? Haven’t I hurt you enough already?”
“…”
“Do I!”
He heard a desperate roar.
“Do I have to tell you how much I blamed you even though I knew it wasn’t your fault?! Should I have spelled out everything to you one by one?!”
He saw his mother exhaling vigorously as her fierce voice pierced his eardrums, unable to overcome her anger. She stared at him with eyes reddened, as if she wanted to kill him… Strangely, his chest ached.
“I know I was wrong. I know you hate me, yet I act selfishly as I please. Even if you don’t want to forgive me, it’s also true that I want to be forgiven.”
“…”
“But it’s…”
Ercella closed her eyes tightly.
You’re crazy.
You’re crazy, you.
That’s all she could think of. She could not have uttered it herself without being crazy. As if it was not enough having to beg apologies for your mistakes…
“…so frustrating.”
She was the worst, really.
“My friends who upset you by teasing you, the Gartens, the gossipers around us, who I usually don’t pay any mind to but had to when I suddenly thought of you. To think I upset you by bowing my head is vexing me. I feel despicable.”
Ercella bowed her raised head at the self-loathing boiling up in her head. The tears were burning and her eyes were blurry. She was frustrated.
“Nothing is going my way…”
Tears dripped down from her bowed head.
“…Why isn’t anything going my way?”
Why am I being mean to you again?
Ercella, who couldn’t stop crying, eventually began to sob. It’s over. I’ll always be hated. Vicente will no longer have any expectations from me. He won’t laugh with me anymore. He will despise me even more. He will hate me. It brought more tears to her eyes.
“…Sorry. I was wrong,” Ercella cried and wept like a child.
I’m sorry.
Vicente buried his face in his hand at Ercella’s endless repetition of apologies like a person who only knew to say that. Again, the rasping sound rang in his ears. That laughter was nothing but despondent.
“I’m sorry…that you have a mother like me.”
A woman who had not grown up, for whom time had long stopped.
It was both contemptible and heartbreaking.
* * *
68.
The air in the ballroom calmed further, like the calm after a storm had passed.
Kyle clicked his tongue at the fuming Duchess Garten. He was someone who was not supposed to be here at all. If Count Pantetz, who was originally appointed to visit Conrad, had not been replaced by Duke Garten due to family matters, and Duke Garten giving him a favor, he would never have stepped in here.
‘Kyle, what the hell were you thinking, liaising1 with him!?’
Kyle frowned as he recalled the fit of rage that had befallen him.
“Damn, who thinks I’m doing this because I want to?”
He also had his own self-respect. He couldn’t help but feel disgusted by Garten, who abandoned them back in the day and became the only family who escaped unscathed. But what could he do? He was born as the eldest grandson2 of the esteemed House Robert. He had to live up to his family’s name.
Kyle was a knight from a great family, but his future prospects were crushed by Bernhardt. Not to mention, the best he could do was be Duke Garten’s escort.
His father, Marquis Robert, was old and avoided taking risks. Having lost his wife and daughter, Marquis Robert chose to live in the mansion like a dead mouse— without ever trying to seize any of the power he once had. Kyle laughed at it. The Marquis’s surviving son, on the other hand, was disillusioned with his inconsiderate selfishness.
So this is where Father came from. Kyle desired to revive House Robert. For that, he could even bear the shame of leeching off a traitor.
Robert will rise again. I will see to it. And the day that happens, I will get revenge on those who ruined my family.
“To kill other people’s families…” Grind. He chipped his teeth. Even though it was only from afar, his rage flared all the more so when he saw Marquis Visaride and Duchess Bernhardt. Nevertheless, it was coupled with a feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything. That’s what it was, to have no power.
So, he wanted to rise to a higher position, even if he had to borrow Garten’s power to do so, no matter how pathetic it was. Marquis Robert called it his greed and scolded him to be like his younger brother, but Kyle did not care.
At this rate, Robert would be expelled from the Council of Nobles of Grania— just like Damonshire was.
Chewing on his words, Kyle said to the man standing next to him, “This humiliation, this disgrace… Let’s pay them all back one day. That day will come.”
“…”
“What’s wrong, Juan?”
Kyle saw his brother’s frozen expression. His gentle brown eyes were unusually vacant. His lips parted only when Kyle felt strange and put his hand on his shoulder.
“…Don’t ever….”
“…”
“Call me to such a place again, Brother.”
He shook off Kyle’s hand and strode away with a soft crunch.
His callus gesture dumbfounded Kyle. Be like him? As I thought, Father is clearly mistaken.
* * *
Held firmly by Vicente, Ercella crossed the wide hall. They arrived on an unoccupied terrace.
When Vicente opened the door, the cool breeze gently pushed the hem of Ercella’s dress. Vicente crossed the threshold and walked to the railing before releasing her arm.
“Are you okay?” Ercella asked while walking quickly and without paying mind to tidy up her messy hair.
His past of being shunned/neglected by his mother was revealed in detail in front of strangers. He couldn’t have been okay.
“Were you ever bothered by random gossip? Never mind those people. It’s not because they see you in a bad light, it’s just entertainment for them. You don’t need to feel hurt because of those people…”
Ercella’s lips closed slowly on Vicente’s emotionless expression.
“…I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have come here.”
Words of consolation turned into an apology. We shouldn’t have come. She recounted her regrets in her heart, but the mocking gazes directed towards her and Vicente were already imprinted in her memory.
“Sorry.” Ercella clenched her fists so hard that her knuckles turned white. Vicente may have thoughtlessly done something unbecoming, but it wasn’t his fault.
From the beginning… Had she acted properly as a mother from the beginning, she wouldn’t have received such criticism.
Above all, their criticism was just an ulterior motive to bring her down below Garten. However, to think that Vicente was used in the process made Ercella furious.
“Let’s go home. Let’s go back and never come back here again. There are so many people who live well despite being unaware of these kinds of entertainment, I feel so bad towards you—!”
She pulled Vicente’s arm and shouted, but Vicente stood still, unmoving like a solid rock. At that, Ercella clenched her lips tightly and pulled her arm holding Vicente’s again.
“Why did you do that?”
His incongruous low voice slowed her down.
“Why did you do that?” He repeated calmly, as if talking to himself. But Ercella sensed the strange twist hidden in that calmness.
“Are you angry?”
His eyes, which sank deeper the more he got angry, resembled Harsen’s.
“You went overboard,” Vicente said tersely, but it was not difficult to tell that he was in a bad mood.
His eyes looked cooler than usual as if she were deeply upset by her reckless behavior earlier.
Ercella sighed. She deserved it, for she bowed before Garten without dignity, forsaking Bernhardt’s honor.
“Don’t worry, our family’s reputation won’t be tarnished just because of this. But I’ll try my best to fix it—”
“Is that what’s important right now?”
“Vicente?”
Ercella’s eyes grew wide at his seemingly edgy voice.
“I know that it was my fault from the start and it became such an issue because of my family name. An issue that would have ended with only me being criticized. There was no reason for Mother to bow before anyone. To mindlessly…”
…act like that.
It wasn’t hard to guess the words Vicente shoved down his throat. Even if she thought about it herself, her response earlier was foolish and it was true that she acted without thinking.
But what to do? Even if she regretted it, it was already past. Ercella laughed a little, “It’s my fault.”
It was in the past, but she was the reason this incident happened in the first place. And she felt no regret admitting that she was indeed embarrassed for a moment back there.
“It is the role of parents to educate their children on manners and etiquette. But I didn’t teach you nor did I provide you with an etiquette teacher. So it is right for me to apologize for this.”
Ercella, who embraced everything as her fault, laughed, at which Vicente sneered.
“Please don’t pretend you didn’t know. You already know that I have an etiquette teacher.” His guts twisted at the sight of Ercella pretending to be a benevolent saint. But what was even worse…
“You do!”
Were those eyes that smiled no matter how harsh his words were as if she were praised.
“Yes, you’re actually right. So how about this? I just didn’t want to dance with Duke Garten, and had a headache from how loud people were. But I didn’t know how to get out of the situation and I wasn’t wise about it. Maybe that’s why I went overboard as you said.”
Vicente looked at Ercella as if confused.
“What to do? Your mother is such a foolish person. I hope you’ll understand your mother with a big heart.”
Why are you laughing?
He frowned at Ercella, who put on an inappropriate, silly smile. He remembered her shoulders shaking from the insults and her sinking voice, choked as if her throat was squeezed.
She was a woman who had been living as Bernhardt and Visaride. She was not the kind of woman to be beaten by evident schemes nor humble herself by calling herself a fool.
It was not humility, but a choice of words that nobles would be ashamed of. She was not to utter it without feeling humiliated.
She was a Duchess, a marquis’s daughter, and the noblest woman in the country. She was not just a mother.
Just because you’re acting like a mother now, do you think you’ve become a real mother? Swallowing a wry smile, Vicente’s expression gradually grew colder. “What if I did it on purpose?”
Ercella’s eyes gradually froze, but Vicente did not stop his chilling words.
“I did it on purpose. I did it because I was curious to see how far you would go.”
He’d rather have Ersella disappointed, angry with him. Then at least she would not seem abominable.
“You are free to do so.”
But Ercella was neither disappointed nor angry.
“No matter what you do, I’ll be fine.”
She still spoke uncomfortable words, flaunting that abominable mask. Vicente laughed a little crookedly, “Is it not upsetting to apologize for your past mistakes? Do you think you have wronged me immensely, so you want to make up for it?”
“What if I don’t feel upset?”
“…”
But that smile was immediately erased. It was erased and covered with an expressionless face. A white cloth fell on a shabby sailboat. The waves still cover the raging sea…
And the wind was…warm.
It felt like the wind would lead her to a vast land.
“I’m really not upset.”
He clenched his jaw. If he didn’t, everything else would have twisted. Obviously, his eyes, mouth and expression would have contorted to a bizarre shape.
All the more so when he gazed at those eyes. How was it that those eyes were still unaffected without dimming even slightly when everything of his was about to be terribly distorted?
“I’m not upset at you at all right now.”
At her unpleasantly meek voice, Vicente’s expressionless face gradually distorted. Don’t respond to provocation. Agree, concede, and forfeit smoothly. However, it was as vain as holding onto grains of sand slipping out of his grasp, and he uttered blankly, “…It’s sickening.”
And only then did the wearisome smile vanish from Ercella’s face.
“Oh… I…am…”
The trembling eyelashes blinked open. The visibly quivering azure eyes revealed in the meantime gave Vicente a vague sense of relief.
It felt like everything was back in place now and it was possible to return to the past.
“I’m…”
Ercella stuttered in embarrassment, but Vicente knew what she was saying.
“Sorry. I’m very…”
There was a laugh.
“I’m very—”
“You…”
That’s what I thought.
“…only say sorry to me.”
Ercella’s shoulders shuddered in surprise at his emotionless words. What is he thinking? Even if she was suddenly curious about it…
“Of course… I’m sorry.”
Realizing in her head what a fleeting mistake it was, her spirits quickly waned
“No,” he denied. “Mother isn’t truly sorry for me. You just habitually say this word to ease yourself of the guilt. You’re sorry, you’ll always say it whenever you get the chance. Whether it’s an issue that requires an apology or not, you’ll apologize whenever you look at me, right? If that’s your way of atonement, I would accept it as such… But, you know what? It’s too unpleasant for me to hear. Every time I hear it, I only feel uncomfortable and annoyed.”
Vicente looked directly at Ercella— never avoiding her fragile blue eyes that looked like they were about to shatter— he continued, “So, ultimately, you’re the only one who’s at ease.”
“…”
“Just as selfish as you used to be, you’ve never changed.”
The last blade-like sentence made Ercella shut her eyes tightly.
‘Ah…’
Thump-thump, pointing at her irregularly pounding heart, she thought dazedly. You lived selfishly. You haven’t changed. She remarked to herself.
Ercella wanted to say no right away. She wanted to explain that her apologies were never meant to ease herself and that they came from a sincere heart without a hint of deceit. However, her doubts about herself invariably permeated into her heart.
Am I really selfish?
Don’t you already know? Vicente doesn’t want your apology.
Don’t you really want to be forgiven?
That kind of greed… Can you really deny it? Be honest… Is it okay if your endless apologies aren’t accepted?
Ercella clenched her hand at the flood of suspicions. And she thought. What did I do wrong this time? What’s wrong? Is it so wrong to say I’m sorry?
Then what should I do?
But the answer that never reached her dropped Ercella’s head crushingly.
Vicente indifferently watched Ercella, who was about to crumble just from touch. Her weak body looked as pitiful as a lamp that was about to extinguish, but why does hatred add weight on him?
He knew why. He didn’t hesitate to hurt the woman in front of him because he was tired of it.
“Are you avoiding me again? You always shirk away and hide, living your life as you please. I suppose it’s become a habit because Father accepts everything you do.” He despised the way she always avoided and ran away.
“Were you always like that with him, too? Looking like you’re about to cry, just like you’re with me right now? How old are you…” Vicente nervously deflected his gaze at her quivering clenched pale hand. “Just as a bunch of apologies doesn’t solve everything, it’s too late to cry over spilled milk. Aren’t you old enough to not act selfishly? You sure live a very convenient life. What on earth did you think you were doing? Don’t you care about the people around you? Why are you always so…!”
“…What was I supposed to do then?” Unable to contain it, her rising voice rasped in his ear. Ercella finally appeared from behind the words she had locked forever in her throat.
“Tell me. What…should I do?” Ercella was looking at him with eyes that were ready to shed tears as soon as her eyelids fell.
“I’m so sorry toward you, so much that I’m dying. I feel sorry… Is that wrong?”
“…”
“…Are you disgusted?”
Vicente chewed the inside of his mouth. Yes, it’s disgusting to try to escape the situation with tears.
“I’m waiting for you. I-I keep on…really….” Her voice trembled with tears in her eyes. Ercella poured out endless words as if she was voicing a sorrowful cry. “You-you’re avoiding me…I k-know. I know, but I k-keep waiting. I wait. That’s all I could do.”
Then at some point…
“That’s all I could do!”
The trembling stopped.
“I feel sorry and want to atone for my sins, but all I can do is wait! I..!”
The angry cries pierced his heart. Vicente swallowed his dried saliva. He couldn’t breathe, like a man that was being strangled from his throat.
“Then what should I have done?”
“…”
“Do I…Do I have to complain to you that I was having a hard time, that I was young and scared back then? Haven’t I hurt you enough already?”
“…”
“Do I!”
He heard a desperate roar.
“Do I have to tell you how much I blamed you even though I knew it wasn’t your fault?! Should I have spelled out everything to you one by one?!”
He saw his mother exhaling vigorously as her fierce voice pierced his eardrums, unable to overcome her anger. She stared at him with eyes reddened, as if she wanted to kill him… Strangely, his chest ached.
“I know I was wrong. I know you hate me, yet I act selfishly as I please. Even if you don’t want to forgive me, it’s also true that I want to be forgiven.”
“…”
“But it’s…”
Ercella closed her eyes tightly.
You’re crazy.
You’re crazy, you.
That’s all she could think of. She could not have uttered it herself without being crazy. As if it was not enough having to beg apologies for your mistakes…
“…so frustrating.”
She was the worst, really.
“My friends who upset you by teasing you, the Gartens, the gossipers around us, who I usually don’t pay any mind to but had to when I suddenly thought of you. To think I upset you by bowing my head is vexing me. I feel despicable.”
Ercella bowed her raised head at the self-loathing boiling up in her head. The tears were burning and her eyes were blurry. She was frustrated.
“Nothing is going my way…”
Tears dripped down from her bowed head.
“…Why isn’t anything going my way?”
Why am I being mean to you again?
Ercella, who couldn’t stop crying, eventually began to sob. It’s over. I’ll always be hated. Vicente will no longer have any expectations from me. He won’t laugh with me anymore. He will despise me even more. He will hate me. It brought more tears to her eyes.
“…Sorry. I was wrong,” Ercella cried and wept like a child.
I’m sorry.
Vicente buried his face in his hand at Ercella’s endless repetition of apologies like a person who only knew to say that. Again, the rasping sound rang in his ears. That laughter was nothing but despondent.
“I’m sorry…that you have a mother like me.”
A woman who had not grown up, for whom time had long stopped.
It was both contemptible and heartbreaking.
* * *
