Warm bands of afternoon sunshine beneath a cloudless sky greeted our arrival at the Duchy of Aquina, melting any memory of the snow just north of the region's border.
Upon Apple's slightly sweaty back, I held myself tall, peering down upon this treacherous land of institutional tax evaders. Even as the sun sought to ruthlessly blind me, the blemishes which dotted this land could not be so easily hidden from my well-discerning eyes.
Indeed, I saw it all.
I saw the elderly man lifting a bucket from a well, before offering me a welcoming wave.
I saw the young woman guiding a sheepdog to round up the last of the cattle, before offering me a welcoming wave.
I saw the boys and girls playing amongst the hay, before they raised their sticks and offered me a welcoming wave.
I rarely visited the Duchy of Aquina. And what I saw immediately reminded me why.
Peasants … !
Peasants everywhere … !
“Good day to you, Miss!”
“Afternoon, Miss. Fine work horse you've got there!”
“Hi! Want a flower? I picked flowers. Would you like a flower for your hair?”
“A lovely day to you, Miss! There's a well nearby if you'd like to stop and rest!”
I covered my mouth in horror.
Why, I could scarcely believe the total impropriety!
Men and women, young and old, working the fields or tending to livestock, waving and smiling at me while inviting me to rest!
The … The lack of respect was tangible!
Even so, I bore the indignity. A princess being fawned over by the peasantry was as natural as moths hurtling to a flame. Even masterfully incognito, my royal aura preceded me like an escort of thundering knights.
It was not the fault of the farmers that they didn't adhere to the canyon in status between us. After all, the Duchy of Aquina only boasted a history of goats and cows, not royal visits.
As a region dedicated solely to the livestock industry, it was the definition of the countryside. Small, rolling hills. Pastures for grazing. And now peasants believing they could converse with me as though I was some local village girl out on an errand.
My resolve hardened.
This matter would be resolved swiftly. The sooner I could rid the kingdom of this audacious duke, the sooner I could return to civilisation where the peasantry knew to greet me with the correct amount of terrified recoiling!
Indeed, while I was here, I could perhaps instil some education by demonstrating the correct expressions they should be wearing—beginning with a look of open-mouthed shock as I glimpsed a signboard on the side of the road.
I tugged Apple to a halt and gawked.
Tournament of Crowns begins 15th of Springtide!
Calling all gladiators, fighters and mages!
Hosted by Duke Valence and the Duchy of Aquina, the Tournament of Crowns invites all willing champions to participate in the duelling spectacle of the year!
10,000 gold crowns, a stately cottage and a place of honour by Duke Valence's side will be offered to the winner of this grand test of individual fighting prowess and valour!
(See terms and conditions below)
What … What was this?!
I read the sign again, convinced I could burn away all the Winter Court from the Wovencoille, such was the molten ire emanating from me.
“The Tournament of Crowns?!” I exclaimed, my fists clenched into balls around Apple's reins. “The … The absolute nerve of that name! The cheek! Even tactlessness can only go so far! And the 15th of Springtide? Why, this … tournament of treason has already begun! I can practically hear the sedition from here!”
I turned to Coppelia, ready to hear her agreement. I caught my future handmaiden in the act of pilfering an apple from the saddlebag instead.
She paused, then slowly took a bite.
“Om …. nom … om … I'm guessing that anything with 'crowns' in it is trademarked?”
“Quite so! It's one thing to steal a crown, but to openly advertise that this was the theme goes far beyond sheer audaciousness. It's … well, it's frankly tasteless!”
Indeed, this was utterly graceless!
A certain level of moderation was required for all things, and that included overly taunting the kingdom it was antagonising!
Yes, the Duchy of Aquina had grievances with the Kingdom of Tirea. We knew that. Everyone did. Even those fortunate enough to not know the Duchy of Aquina did. And we were all tired of it. There was no need to continually kick over the same bucket until the road became a vertical cliff.
Why, it was precisely because of this that Duke Valence was never invited to the Yuletide Ball! Yes, it was also because it was an intentional slight on our part. But there was no denying that the man simply couldn't demonstrate subtlety even if the fate of the world rested on it.
The proof was here on this signboard!
A tournament to not only crown the winner of this pet bout of his, but a tournament to crown himself!
“Duke Valence wears his intentions on his sleeves,” I said, frowning as I went over the words on the signboard again. “There can be no doubt that he means to wear the Crown of Winter.”
Coppelia chewed through the last of her apple. Seeing that I was still preoccupied with complaining about something else, she reached for another one.
She relented only when Apple whinnied.
“That'd be bad,” she replied simply.
“Indeed, he would gather to him all the powers of the Winter Court in doing so, if the legends are correct.”
“No, I mean, that'd be bad—for him. I don't know who this guy is, but I know the headpiece of the Winter Queen isn't fit for any mortal to wear. And I mean that in every slightly ominous way I'm saying it. Honestly, you can probably just leave him alone and laugh at what happens.”
“Unfortunately, any humour would be lost on me along with all the duchy's livestock. I have no doubt that even gifted with a moment of power, he would cause irreparable harm to the kingdom's agricultural base. That cannot be permitted.”
“Mmh, you're right. We should save the cows. They're okay.”
I nodded.
Cows, like horses, knew their roles and knew it well. They rarely disappointed. Yes, they did smell. But so did peasants. And often less so.
“Truly, what is that ridiculous man thinking? To even contemplate wearing the Winter Crown is a move so absurdly foolish that even as nobility, he manages to lower the bar further. That man is deprived of both grace and wits.”
“That's the nicest thing you've ever said about anyone. Good first impressions?”
“Thankfully, I've been spared any first impressions. My siblings, however, have not. Why, Florella almost lost a dress when he stumbled during a dance! He carried a plate of food with him! That was the last soirée he was invited to.”
“Ouch. Was the food okay?”
“Hm?”
“I mean, was the food unspoiled after it harmlessly shot past your sister, sparing her the inconsolable grief of a stained dress?”
“Fortunately, yes. A small blessing. She was just grateful to be spared injury. More so than the duke, who did not realise how close he was to facing the guillotine that day.”
I tugged on Apple's reins to nudge him back to his trot. He opted to finish chewing the grass peeking past the base of the signboard first.
“A lesson in humility is in order,” I declared, loud enough that one of the cows offered me a puzzled look. “He has gone too far. To threaten civil war with Tirea is one thing. To threaten a greater war with the fae is another. Yet to escape judgement for his history of public debacles is the worst crime of all.”
Indeed, for just the accumulation of his smaller misdeeds, his punishment was set in stone. There would be no leniency. Just as there was none in the smell from the pastures.
“Does that mean we get to arrest him?” asked Coppelia, suddenly far more excited than before. “Because I've always wanted to do that! I have corny lines prepared and everything! Can I use them?”
I paused.
A sprinkling of dramatisation was always useful for ensuring a memory stayed relevant in the minds of witnesses long after we'd departed.
But then again—Coppelia.
“If … If they do not detract from the main act, then in moderation, yes.” I paused, considering retracting my statement immediately. “... We will arrest him before the eyes of his own court. This man, all his family, and all his allies must be made to look like the baking slugs they are. And that means stamping them all with the full width of my boot of authority.”
Coppelia punched both fists in the air, wide smile at the ready.
“Treason! Sedition! Resisting arrest! I can't wait~”
I winced as premonitions of furniture overturning swept through my mind.
“The Duke should readily welcome arrest,” I said. “If he has a shred of wisdom remaining, he will understand that a swift judgement is the best he can hope for. His favour has fallen so low that the dirt beneath his feet is of greater stature.”
“I mean, have you seen this dirt? It's good stuff. This grass is like a spring buffet.”
Apple whinnied in agreement.
I ignored them both.
“Indeed, he should be glad that I'm even deigning to arrest him at all! A man of Duke Valence's reputation deserves nothing less than … than ...”
Suddenly, I broke off, tugging Apple to a halt again.
Glancing behind me, I stared at the noticeboard advertising the Tournament of Crowns.
This showpiece event meant to seal Duke Valence's authority in his own duchy.
An event so grand that everyone of importance would be in attendance.
Everyone.
I thought for a moment as the familiar beginnings of a genius idea took its seat at the wisened table that was my brilliant mind.
Within that council of scholars, prodigies and masterminds, I sensed the works of a plan to rid this kingdom of not only the errant Duke, but the Duchy that had supported his scheming.
And then—
I broke into a smile.
Oho … ohoho … ohohoho … ohohohohohohoho!
That's … That's it!
Why, I'd intended to simply stroll into Duke Valence's court and shackle him with Coppelia's grip strength!
But what was I, if not a princess who displayed boundless creativity with her problem solving skills?
Indeed, a touch of originality was required for this problem! A sprinkle of deviousness! Was a simple arrest truly enough to lower the conniving duke in the eyes of his already treasonous allies? They'd likely already prepared. Already conspired.
No … I needed to lower him further into the dirt than he already was.
I needed to bury him in the limelight of public humiliation, enough that any to follow would understand the folly of turning the tax inspectors of the Kingdom of Tirea away.
And what did I have waiting before me, but a stage where he intended to raise himself upon a throne?
This entire tournament was a coronation. It was theatrics.
And what was a play, if it did not involve the most beautiful and gallant princess in the realm taking a leading role?
“Coppelia.”
“Yes?”
“I … I have a genius idea.”
Coppelia let out a tinkling laugh.
“Your genius ideas always brighten up these dull, sunny days. I'm already looking forward to it.”
“And you may. I spoke truthfully to the fae, after all."
"About a point needing to be made?"
I nodded.
"Indeed. And a point far sharper than the cuffs of any chains can cut.”
“Mmh, got it! You mean to shamelessly appease the fae's twisted sense of humour so they don't invade you~”
“No.” I tugged on Apple's reins once more, continuing onwards. “I mean to appease mine. The Duke wishes to coronate himself. Instead, I will make a mockery of his ambitions on the very stage he intends to place the Crown of Winter upon his head. And I will do so in a way that even the cows will abandon him.”
I offered a dazzling smile, so bright that the nearby cow turned away.
The Tournament of Crowns?
Why, it was certain to be a grand occasion! A festival watched by all the dignitaries, nobility, commoners and merchants! But it would also be a show of strength. A endless parade involving all the finest soldiers and knights of the Duchy of Aquina!
But if they were there ... then who was guarding the Duke's abode?
How many remained to watch the many hidden tunnels within the bowels of Aquina Castle? Who watched over the scores of historical relics, artifacts and magical curios that Aquina denied owning, but we all knew existed?
… Why, it would be a terrible shame if something were to happen while everyone was away.
Ohohohhohohohohohoho!!
This man … this fool of a duke!
By staging an event large enough to be his coronation, he had left himself vulnerable!
My simple genius once again exceeded mortal comprehension! The sheer humiliation if the duke was unable to pay out the reward to his own tournament would be unthinkable! And just how would the man coronate himself if he'd lost his one and only Winter Crown?
Indeed, to which direction would his soldiers and retainers run if he could no longer afford their wages?
To the Kingdom of Tirea.
“Ooh, ooh, let me guess!” Coppelia hopped on the spot, raising her hand. “We're going to overturn furniture!”
“No, Coppelia. We're going to collect outstanding debts.”
“Sounds devious~ when do we start laughing?”
“Now.” I raised my hand to my lips. “Ohohohoho …”
“Ohohohoho.”
“No. With more emphasis on the high notes. Ohohohohoho.”
“Ohohohoho ….”
I nodded. 6.5/10.
Coppelia still had a long way to go. For one thing, she still needed to learn how to make tea. But being able to join in a chorus of mocking laughter was an important skill set. The fact that it wasn't as elegant as mine was perfectly acceptable. Rather, the coarseness of an attendant's laughter added to the overall feeling.
That was good.
Because during our stay, I expected to hear plenty of it.
At long last, it was time to tax the Duchy of Aquina.
Warm bands of afternoon sunshine beneath a cloudless sky greeted our arrival at the Duchy of Aquina, melting any memory of the snow just north of the region's border.
Upon Apple's slightly sweaty back, I held myself tall, peering down upon this treacherous land of institutional tax evaders. Even as the sun sought to ruthlessly blind me, the blemishes which dotted this land could not be so easily hidden from my well-discerning eyes.
Indeed, I saw it all.
I saw the elderly man lifting a bucket from a well, before offering me a welcoming wave.
I saw the young woman guiding a sheepdog to round up the last of the cattle, before offering me a welcoming wave.
I saw the boys and girls playing amongst the hay, before they raised their sticks and offered me a welcoming wave.
I rarely visited the Duchy of Aquina. And what I saw immediately reminded me why.
Peasants … !
Peasants everywhere … !
“Good day to you, Miss!”
“Afternoon, Miss. Fine work horse you've got there!”
“Hi! Want a flower? I picked flowers. Would you like a flower for your hair?”
“A lovely day to you, Miss! There's a well nearby if you'd like to stop and rest!”
I covered my mouth in horror.
Why, I could scarcely believe the total impropriety!
Men and women, young and old, working the fields or tending to livestock, waving and smiling at me while inviting me to rest!
The … The lack of respect was tangible!
Even so, I bore the indignity. A princess being fawned over by the peasantry was as natural as moths hurtling to a flame. Even masterfully incognito, my royal aura preceded me like an escort of thundering knights.
It was not the fault of the farmers that they didn't adhere to the canyon in status between us. After all, the Duchy of Aquina only boasted a history of goats and cows, not royal visits.
As a region dedicated solely to the livestock industry, it was the definition of the countryside. Small, rolling hills. Pastures for grazing. And now peasants believing they could converse with me as though I was some local village girl out on an errand.
My resolve hardened.
This matter would be resolved swiftly. The sooner I could rid the kingdom of this audacious duke, the sooner I could return to civilisation where the peasantry knew to greet me with the correct amount of terrified recoiling!
Indeed, while I was here, I could perhaps instil some education by demonstrating the correct expressions they should be wearing—beginning with a look of open-mouthed shock as I glimpsed a signboard on the side of the road.
I tugged Apple to a halt and gawked.
Tournament of Crowns begins 15th of Springtide!
Calling all gladiators, fighters and mages!
Hosted by Duke Valence and the Duchy of Aquina, the Tournament of Crowns invites all willing champions to participate in the duelling spectacle of the year!
10,000 gold crowns, a stately cottage and a place of honour by Duke Valence's side will be offered to the winner of this grand test of individual fighting prowess and valour!
(See terms and conditions below)
What … What was this?!
I read the sign again, convinced I could burn away all the Winter Court from the Wovencoille, such was the molten ire emanating from me.
“The Tournament of Crowns?!” I exclaimed, my fists clenched into balls around Apple's reins. “The … The absolute nerve of that name! The cheek! Even tactlessness can only go so far! And the 15th of Springtide? Why, this … tournament of treason has already begun! I can practically hear the sedition from here!”
I turned to Coppelia, ready to hear her agreement. I caught my future handmaiden in the act of pilfering an apple from the saddlebag instead.
She paused, then slowly took a bite.
“Om …. nom … om … I'm guessing that anything with 'crowns' in it is trademarked?”
“Quite so! It's one thing to steal a crown, but to openly advertise that this was the theme goes far beyond sheer audaciousness. It's … well, it's frankly tasteless!”
Indeed, this was utterly graceless!
A certain level of moderation was required for all things, and that included overly taunting the kingdom it was antagonising!
Yes, the Duchy of Aquina had grievances with the Kingdom of Tirea. We knew that. Everyone did. Even those fortunate enough to not know the Duchy of Aquina did. And we were all tired of it. There was no need to continually kick over the same bucket until the road became a vertical cliff.
Why, it was precisely because of this that Duke Valence was never invited to the Yuletide Ball! Yes, it was also because it was an intentional slight on our part. But there was no denying that the man simply couldn't demonstrate subtlety even if the fate of the world rested on it.
The proof was here on this signboard!
A tournament to not only crown the winner of this pet bout of his, but a tournament to crown himself!
“Duke Valence wears his intentions on his sleeves,” I said, frowning as I went over the words on the signboard again. “There can be no doubt that he means to wear the Crown of Winter.”
Coppelia chewed through the last of her apple. Seeing that I was still preoccupied with complaining about something else, she reached for another one.
She relented only when Apple whinnied.
“That'd be bad,” she replied simply.
“Indeed, he would gather to him all the powers of the Winter Court in doing so, if the legends are correct.”
“No, I mean, that'd be bad—for him. I don't know who this guy is, but I know the headpiece of the Winter Queen isn't fit for any mortal to wear. And I mean that in every slightly ominous way I'm saying it. Honestly, you can probably just leave him alone and laugh at what happens.”
“Unfortunately, any humour would be lost on me along with all the duchy's livestock. I have no doubt that even gifted with a moment of power, he would cause irreparable harm to the kingdom's agricultural base. That cannot be permitted.”
“Mmh, you're right. We should save the cows. They're okay.”
I nodded.
Cows, like horses, knew their roles and knew it well. They rarely disappointed. Yes, they did smell. But so did peasants. And often less so.
“Truly, what is that ridiculous man thinking? To even contemplate wearing the Winter Crown is a move so absurdly foolish that even as nobility, he manages to lower the bar further. That man is deprived of both grace and wits.”
“That's the nicest thing you've ever said about anyone. Good first impressions?”
“Thankfully, I've been spared any first impressions. My siblings, however, have not. Why, Florella almost lost a dress when he stumbled during a dance! He carried a plate of food with him! That was the last soirée he was invited to.”
“Ouch. Was the food okay?”
“Hm?”
“I mean, was the food unspoiled after it harmlessly shot past your sister, sparing her the inconsolable grief of a stained dress?”
“Fortunately, yes. A small blessing. She was just grateful to be spared injury. More so than the duke, who did not realise how close he was to facing the guillotine that day.”
I tugged on Apple's reins to nudge him back to his trot. He opted to finish chewing the grass peeking past the base of the signboard first.
“A lesson in humility is in order,” I declared, loud enough that one of the cows offered me a puzzled look. “He has gone too far. To threaten civil war with Tirea is one thing. To threaten a greater war with the fae is another. Yet to escape judgement for his history of public debacles is the worst crime of all.”
Indeed, for just the accumulation of his smaller misdeeds, his punishment was set in stone. There would be no leniency. Just as there was none in the smell from the pastures.
“Does that mean we get to arrest him?” asked Coppelia, suddenly far more excited than before. “Because I've always wanted to do that! I have corny lines prepared and everything! Can I use them?”
I paused.
A sprinkling of dramatisation was always useful for ensuring a memory stayed relevant in the minds of witnesses long after we'd departed.
But then again—Coppelia.
“If … If they do not detract from the main act, then in moderation, yes.” I paused, considering retracting my statement immediately. “... We will arrest him before the eyes of his own court. This man, all his family, and all his allies must be made to look like the baking slugs they are. And that means stamping them all with the full width of my boot of authority.”
Coppelia punched both fists in the air, wide smile at the ready.
“Treason! Sedition! Resisting arrest! I can't wait~”
I winced as premonitions of furniture overturning swept through my mind.
“The Duke should readily welcome arrest,” I said. “If he has a shred of wisdom remaining, he will understand that a swift judgement is the best he can hope for. His favour has fallen so low that the dirt beneath his feet is of greater stature.”
“I mean, have you seen this dirt? It's good stuff. This grass is like a spring buffet.”
Apple whinnied in agreement.
I ignored them both.
“Indeed, he should be glad that I'm even deigning to arrest him at all! A man of Duke Valence's reputation deserves nothing less than … than ...”
Suddenly, I broke off, tugging Apple to a halt again.
Glancing behind me, I stared at the noticeboard advertising the Tournament of Crowns.
This showpiece event meant to seal Duke Valence's authority in his own duchy.
An event so grand that everyone of importance would be in attendance.
Everyone.
I thought for a moment as the familiar beginnings of a genius idea took its seat at the wisened table that was my brilliant mind.
Within that council of scholars, prodigies and masterminds, I sensed the works of a plan to rid this kingdom of not only the errant Duke, but the Duchy that had supported his scheming.
And then—
I broke into a smile.
Oho … ohoho … ohohoho … ohohohohohohoho!
That's … That's it!
Why, I'd intended to simply stroll into Duke Valence's court and shackle him with Coppelia's grip strength!
But what was I, if not a princess who displayed boundless creativity with her problem solving skills?
Indeed, a touch of originality was required for this problem! A sprinkle of deviousness! Was a simple arrest truly enough to lower the conniving duke in the eyes of his already treasonous allies? They'd likely already prepared. Already conspired.
No … I needed to lower him further into the dirt than he already was.
I needed to bury him in the limelight of public humiliation, enough that any to follow would understand the folly of turning the tax inspectors of the Kingdom of Tirea away.
And what did I have waiting before me, but a stage where he intended to raise himself upon a throne?
This entire tournament was a coronation. It was theatrics.
And what was a play, if it did not involve the most beautiful and gallant princess in the realm taking a leading role?
“Coppelia.”
“Yes?”
“I … I have a genius idea.”
Coppelia let out a tinkling laugh.
“Your genius ideas always brighten up these dull, sunny days. I'm already looking forward to it.”
“And you may. I spoke truthfully to the fae, after all."
"About a point needing to be made?"
I nodded.
"Indeed. And a point far sharper than the cuffs of any chains can cut.”
“Mmh, got it! You mean to shamelessly appease the fae's twisted sense of humour so they don't invade you~”
“No.” I tugged on Apple's reins once more, continuing onwards. “I mean to appease mine. The Duke wishes to coronate himself. Instead, I will make a mockery of his ambitions on the very stage he intends to place the Crown of Winter upon his head. And I will do so in a way that even the cows will abandon him.”
I offered a dazzling smile, so bright that the nearby cow turned away.
The Tournament of Crowns?
Why, it was certain to be a grand occasion! A festival watched by all the dignitaries, nobility, commoners and merchants! But it would also be a show of strength. A endless parade involving all the finest soldiers and knights of the Duchy of Aquina!
But if they were there ... then who was guarding the Duke's abode?
How many remained to watch the many hidden tunnels within the bowels of Aquina Castle? Who watched over the scores of historical relics, artifacts and magical curios that Aquina denied owning, but we all knew existed?
… Why, it would be a terrible shame if something were to happen while everyone was away.
Ohohohhohohohohohoho!!
This man … this fool of a duke!
By staging an event large enough to be his coronation, he had left himself vulnerable!
My simple genius once again exceeded mortal comprehension! The sheer humiliation if the duke was unable to pay out the reward to his own tournament would be unthinkable! And just how would the man coronate himself if he'd lost his one and only Winter Crown?
Indeed, to which direction would his soldiers and retainers run if he could no longer afford their wages?
To the Kingdom of Tirea.
“Ooh, ooh, let me guess!” Coppelia hopped on the spot, raising her hand. “We're going to overturn furniture!”
“No, Coppelia. We're going to collect outstanding debts.”
“Sounds devious~ when do we start laughing?”
“Now.” I raised my hand to my lips. “Ohohohoho …”
“Ohohohoho.”
“No. With more emphasis on the high notes. Ohohohohoho.”
“Ohohohoho ….”
I nodded. 6.5/10.
Coppelia still had a long way to go. For one thing, she still needed to learn how to make tea. But being able to join in a chorus of mocking laughter was an important skill set. The fact that it wasn't as elegant as mine was perfectly acceptable. Rather, the coarseness of an attendant's laughter added to the overall feeling.
That was good.
Because during our stay, I expected to hear plenty of it.
At long last, it was time to tax the Duchy of Aquina.
