A troll's club was a simple thing.
It was no sword crafted by a master smith, honed through a lifetime of work and then sold to the first adventurer not to have been eaten during an illegal trawl through one of my ancestor's tombs. But swords were put into perspective when compared to a club that was larger than both a sword and the person holding it.
And this club was one that was also on fire.
“Ooh ...”
I covered my mouth, embarrassed at the childish noise I'd just made.
Instead, I settled on betraying my thoughts by staring wide-eyed at the troll, his silhouette dramatically framed against the dimming horizon as his club shone like a newly risen sun.
A truly impressive sight. Like seeing my first farmer without a spot of soil on their overalls.
Despite being made entirely of the same fashionable walnut that made up the chairs in my bedroom, the troll's absurdly sized weapon neither burned nor charred from the flames that engulfed it.
Its artistically aged lines could still be readily distinguished. As could its handle, which remained untouched by the searing flames licking the air around it. And all without the blemish of smoke to obscure it.
Enchanted fire.
I took a step back, stunned as I took in the sight of the magical flames steadily approaching me, its wielder preparing to strike.
Why … Starlight Grace should be able to burst into flames as well!
“H … How do you do that?!” I asked, pointing with my sword at the club several times its size. “What did you do to make that happen?”
The troll paused, the marvellously flaming club raised above his shoulders.
“Excuse me?”
“The flames surrounding your club. They're so … menacing!”
“Oh. This?”
The troll waved his club slightly. I nodded with enthusiasm.
“Is it a technique? Or are they the result of runes and enchantments woven into the depths of your club? If so, I would consider it an enormous courtesy if you would divulge the name of the artificer in question!”
Of course, I was exceptionally pleased with Starlight Grace's performance!
My sword fulfilled every task I needed it to perform. Yet even if I was satisfied with the moonlit glow of my blade, I could only imagine the speed at which I could shoo away peasants if my sword was also on fire!
As it was, they simply fled because it was both extremely lethal and waved with little regard to what I hit! Only less than half currently tripped over in their desperate bid to escape! There was clearly room for improvement!
And so, I waited patiently as the troll considered my query.
He slightly lowered his club.
“It's neither runes nor enchantments, actually.”
“No? … A technique only available to trolls, then?”
I received a nod. My enthusiasm plummeted.
While learning a technique unique to trolls was doubtlessly a historical feat I alone could achieve, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my nose in doing so.
Even now, the only reason I still stood was due to my trained ability to shut off my sense of smell, hardened through years of bearing the waft of … whatever eau de countryside barns the daughters of barons wore to court.
Yet against the smell of the troll, even my steeled nose was faltering.
“A technique,” confirmed the troll. “But while I'm pleased that the madame has been suitably impressed, I regret to say that this is not one I can share.”
My interest remained, despite the closed road to me.
“What does it involve?”
“A bachelor's degree in door guarding. My parents guarded doors long enough to afford to send me to a proper school for hired goons. This is my graduating technique.”
The troll raised his club once more.
However, it wasn't in preparation to turn me into a roasted pancake. He angled the club, displaying its flames as it licked the air.
“I'm quite pleased,” he said, the pride as noticeable as the very minute straightening of his shoulders. “It took me an extra summer semester to be able to do this. Now I can cause any of the castle staff to faint when I remind them to provide a written note before approaching.”
I nodded.
“The results of your hardship are evident. I congratulate you on being able to masterfully impose yourself on any wandering peasants to the point of causing immediate loss of consciousness.”
“Thank you.”
The troll scratched his back.
“However, I regret to say that the madame's courtesy does not preclude me from using excessive force to remove you from this area.”
The troll stepped forward.
Now, the flaming club was no longer just for display. It was for … well, clubbing.
I braced, Starlight Grace poised to meet the troll's attack, even as I knew that a confrontation must be avoided. Because for all the troll's fearsome strength, my concerns went further than the grim sight of the looming flames.
I was a princess. And that meant my actions carried a weight greater than even the servants when they carried my filled bathtub to my bedroom.
My eyes saw a troll approaching ... but my mind saw the kingdom torn to its foundations!
A troll was more than a deadly adversary. Each troll was part of a family boasting more cousins than a salmon could find in a shoal. Any attack against a troll performing its contractual duty was an attack against the entire family.
And in Troll Country, everyone was family.
Indeed, before me was a riddle never seen before in the Kingdom of Tirea! A diplomatic tightrope always avoided by the simple fact that nobody ever needed to get past a troll badly enough to actually fight one!
… Even so! I would not break! My vow was stronger than even a knight's oath before a moonlit vigil!
Because whereas this troll guarded a door, I guarded my quality of life!
Thus, it fell to my boundless charms and charisma to do something truly unprecedented—
Convince a troll to turn back on his duties.
Ohhohohoho!
Luckily, I was as skilled a negotiator as I was a beautiful maiden!
To others, achieving the unprecedented was the height of one's life. To me, it was a daily quota. And I hadn't met mine yet.
And so—
“Sir Troll. I would like to offer a proposal.”
The troll came to an abrupt halt.
Indeed, it was the only thing that could have stopped him, as noted by the lack of back scratching. Clearly, this was not the pleading he expected.
“A proposal?”
I nodded, my expression stern.
Yes, it was time … to utilise the ultimate ability available to me!
No, not the first ultimate ability! Nor even the other ultimate ability!
No, I'd use my true ultimate ability!
The one recently inaccessible to me, but which I could now make modest use of!
With my hand gripped around my sword, I stepped towards the troll, valiantly facing the flames of a club within nudging distance of my face.
Then, I struck with my strongest attack—
“I'd like to offer you a huge amount of money.”
The troll blinked in confusion.
Ohohohohoho!
Behold! The unmitigated power of wealth!
When confrontation wished to be avoided, I would use the most reliable, time-tested method available to me!
Offering a huge amount of money!
Why, I'd just cleared the royal capital of organised crime! That alone should provide me with enough capital to hire a troll door guard! Rather than defeating him, I could simply pay him!
Once again, my genius ability to problem solve was unparalleled! Ohohohohoho!
“Madame, I advise you not to attempt to bribe me. I am a troll door guard, and I take my contractual obligations quite seriously.”
The troll's eyes flashed. A rare moment of emotion.
Perhaps others would sense their impending doom. But me?
Why ... I merely laughed.
“Ohohohoho … bribery? My, is that what you think this is?”
I could scarcely hide my amusement.
Bribery? Please, what am I? A baron's daughter come into her first squalid morsel of inheritance? How dare my excess wealth and lack of spending control be compared to the pittances the children of mere nobility squander!
They did not know spending like I did!
I was a princess. And I did not bribe.
I bought.
“Sir Troll. I'll ask that you not slander my character with accusations of bribery. I do not slip crowns into the hands of servers for a windowside table at a restaurant. I buy the server, the table and the restaurant whole. So no, I will not bribe you. But I will headhunt you.”
Indeed, this will be entirely above board!
Why resort to crime when I could resort to legal wealth?
And so, the troll leaned back, hearing for the first time in his life a proposal which didn't begin with snivelling, pleading or begging.
“Explain, if you may,” he said simply.
I gestured around us.
That, frankly, should be all I needed to do.
“Ohohoho … a bachelor's degree in door guarding?” I queried, wearing my finest look of disdain. “I bid that you peer around us. Is this narrow garden, hidden away behind the crumbling castle of a lowly duke worth even a fraction of your talents?”
“The squishy human pays well,” replied the troll, his voice hardening in only the way those open to negotiation did. “I accepted the job in full understanding of what pay and conditions to expect.”
“Indeed. And while you languish in a garden none will visit, your skills continue to erode in the face of your advancing peers. No busy troll guard has time to prepare such an elaborate method of disposing trespassers as this. Or do you mean to tell me that you enjoy having the free time to regularly re-fix instruments you send to the ground?”
The troll said nothing.
I smiled, assured of both my victory and my ability to sweep aside problems with the power of money!
“You will quit your current role, upon which you shall receive the remainder of your contracted employment length as a lump sum payment. You will then receive an offer of immediate employment at your current rates plus a 15% premium, as well as increased bonuses to overtime pay and free meals on shift.”
The troll didn't lower his club even as he considered my generous offer.
“You offer to buy out my contract without knowledge of my rates. That is dangerous.”
“Once again, you slander my ability to dismiss financial planning. I do not need to know your rates—merely your starting availability.”
“And where would you offer to place someone of my talents? You understand, I hope, that the door I currently guard is rather nice. Limestone and granite, 3.1 metres in width, and with a surface that's easy to clean.”
I nodded, pretending to not understand the subtle advertisement to the additional functions he'd perform.
He may hail from a land of nationalised insanity, but he understood his worth. That he made sure to keep his hidden door cleaned was an excellent character merit.
“I understand that you'll shortly be volunteering to assist me in opening that limestone and granite door. Because I offer more than a hidden door with an easily cleanable surface. No, I will have you guard the private vaults of the Royal Villa.”
“The Royal Villa?”
I allowed the troll to piece together the identity of his new employer.
“My home is resplendent with mechanically operated brass rimmed doors laden with enchantments as old as those on your club, and never lack for thieves attempting to test them. You would never have time to fix instruments to trees ever again.”
The troll stiffened to a height I didn't know their slumped shoulders could accomplish.
It was the only answer I required.
Because as I eyed the hidden door behind the troll, I was already considering how best to empty the vaults it led to inside out.
After all, I now had a troll door guard to pay.
Ohohohohohoho!
“Fffooommofffommofffommm ~”
“Coppelia!”
“Sorry~”
A troll's club was a simple thing.
It was no sword crafted by a master smith, honed through a lifetime of work and then sold to the first adventurer not to have been eaten during an illegal trawl through one of my ancestor's tombs. But swords were put into perspective when compared to a club that was larger than both a sword and the person holding it.
And this club was one that was also on fire.
“Ooh ...”
I covered my mouth, embarrassed at the childish noise I'd just made.
Instead, I settled on betraying my thoughts by staring wide-eyed at the troll, his silhouette dramatically framed against the dimming horizon as his club shone like a newly risen sun.
A truly impressive sight. Like seeing my first farmer without a spot of soil on their overalls.
Despite being made entirely of the same fashionable walnut that made up the chairs in my bedroom, the troll's absurdly sized weapon neither burned nor charred from the flames that engulfed it.
Its artistically aged lines could still be readily distinguished. As could its handle, which remained untouched by the searing flames licking the air around it. And all without the blemish of smoke to obscure it.
Enchanted fire.
I took a step back, stunned as I took in the sight of the magical flames steadily approaching me, its wielder preparing to strike.
Why … Starlight Grace should be able to burst into flames as well!
“H … How do you do that?!” I asked, pointing with my sword at the club several times its size. “What did you do to make that happen?”
The troll paused, the marvellously flaming club raised above his shoulders.
“Excuse me?”
“The flames surrounding your club. They're so … menacing!”
“Oh. This?”
The troll waved his club slightly. I nodded with enthusiasm.
“Is it a technique? Or are they the result of runes and enchantments woven into the depths of your club? If so, I would consider it an enormous courtesy if you would divulge the name of the artificer in question!”
Of course, I was exceptionally pleased with Starlight Grace's performance!
My sword fulfilled every task I needed it to perform. Yet even if I was satisfied with the moonlit glow of my blade, I could only imagine the speed at which I could shoo away peasants if my sword was also on fire!
As it was, they simply fled because it was both extremely lethal and waved with little regard to what I hit! Only less than half currently tripped over in their desperate bid to escape! There was clearly room for improvement!
And so, I waited patiently as the troll considered my query.
He slightly lowered his club.
“It's neither runes nor enchantments, actually.”
“No? … A technique only available to trolls, then?”
I received a nod. My enthusiasm plummeted.
While learning a technique unique to trolls was doubtlessly a historical feat I alone could achieve, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my nose in doing so.
Even now, the only reason I still stood was due to my trained ability to shut off my sense of smell, hardened through years of bearing the waft of … whatever eau de countryside barns the daughters of barons wore to court.
Yet against the smell of the troll, even my steeled nose was faltering.
“A technique,” confirmed the troll. “But while I'm pleased that the madame has been suitably impressed, I regret to say that this is not one I can share.”
My interest remained, despite the closed road to me.
“What does it involve?”
“A bachelor's degree in door guarding. My parents guarded doors long enough to afford to send me to a proper school for hired goons. This is my graduating technique.”
The troll raised his club once more.
However, it wasn't in preparation to turn me into a roasted pancake. He angled the club, displaying its flames as it licked the air.
“I'm quite pleased,” he said, the pride as noticeable as the very minute straightening of his shoulders. “It took me an extra summer semester to be able to do this. Now I can cause any of the castle staff to faint when I remind them to provide a written note before approaching.”
I nodded.
“The results of your hardship are evident. I congratulate you on being able to masterfully impose yourself on any wandering peasants to the point of causing immediate loss of consciousness.”
“Thank you.”
The troll scratched his back.
“However, I regret to say that the madame's courtesy does not preclude me from using excessive force to remove you from this area.”
The troll stepped forward.
Now, the flaming club was no longer just for display. It was for … well, clubbing.
I braced, Starlight Grace poised to meet the troll's attack, even as I knew that a confrontation must be avoided. Because for all the troll's fearsome strength, my concerns went further than the grim sight of the looming flames.
I was a princess. And that meant my actions carried a weight greater than even the servants when they carried my filled bathtub to my bedroom.
My eyes saw a troll approaching ... but my mind saw the kingdom torn to its foundations!
A troll was more than a deadly adversary. Each troll was part of a family boasting more cousins than a salmon could find in a shoal. Any attack against a troll performing its contractual duty was an attack against the entire family.
And in Troll Country, everyone was family.
Indeed, before me was a riddle never seen before in the Kingdom of Tirea! A diplomatic tightrope always avoided by the simple fact that nobody ever needed to get past a troll badly enough to actually fight one!
… Even so! I would not break! My vow was stronger than even a knight's oath before a moonlit vigil!
Because whereas this troll guarded a door, I guarded my quality of life!
Thus, it fell to my boundless charms and charisma to do something truly unprecedented—
Convince a troll to turn back on his duties.
Ohhohohoho!
Luckily, I was as skilled a negotiator as I was a beautiful maiden!
To others, achieving the unprecedented was the height of one's life. To me, it was a daily quota. And I hadn't met mine yet.
And so—
“Sir Troll. I would like to offer a proposal.”
The troll came to an abrupt halt.
Indeed, it was the only thing that could have stopped him, as noted by the lack of back scratching. Clearly, this was not the pleading he expected.
“A proposal?”
I nodded, my expression stern.
Yes, it was time … to utilise the ultimate ability available to me!
No, not the first ultimate ability! Nor even the other ultimate ability!
No, I'd use my true ultimate ability!
The one recently inaccessible to me, but which I could now make modest use of!
With my hand gripped around my sword, I stepped towards the troll, valiantly facing the flames of a club within nudging distance of my face.
Then, I struck with my strongest attack—
“I'd like to offer you a huge amount of money.”
The troll blinked in confusion.
Ohohohohoho!
Behold! The unmitigated power of wealth!
When confrontation wished to be avoided, I would use the most reliable, time-tested method available to me!
Offering a huge amount of money!
Why, I'd just cleared the royal capital of organised crime! That alone should provide me with enough capital to hire a troll door guard! Rather than defeating him, I could simply pay him!
Once again, my genius ability to problem solve was unparalleled! Ohohohohoho!
“Madame, I advise you not to attempt to bribe me. I am a troll door guard, and I take my contractual obligations quite seriously.”
The troll's eyes flashed. A rare moment of emotion.
Perhaps others would sense their impending doom. But me?
Why ... I merely laughed.
“Ohohohoho … bribery? My, is that what you think this is?”
I could scarcely hide my amusement.
Bribery? Please, what am I? A baron's daughter come into her first squalid morsel of inheritance? How dare my excess wealth and lack of spending control be compared to the pittances the children of mere nobility squander!
They did not know spending like I did!
I was a princess. And I did not bribe.
I bought.
“Sir Troll. I'll ask that you not slander my character with accusations of bribery. I do not slip crowns into the hands of servers for a windowside table at a restaurant. I buy the server, the table and the restaurant whole. So no, I will not bribe you. But I will headhunt you.”
Indeed, this will be entirely above board!
Why resort to crime when I could resort to legal wealth?
And so, the troll leaned back, hearing for the first time in his life a proposal which didn't begin with snivelling, pleading or begging.
“Explain, if you may,” he said simply.
I gestured around us.
That, frankly, should be all I needed to do.
“Ohohoho … a bachelor's degree in door guarding?” I queried, wearing my finest look of disdain. “I bid that you peer around us. Is this narrow garden, hidden away behind the crumbling castle of a lowly duke worth even a fraction of your talents?”
“The squishy human pays well,” replied the troll, his voice hardening in only the way those open to negotiation did. “I accepted the job in full understanding of what pay and conditions to expect.”
“Indeed. And while you languish in a garden none will visit, your skills continue to erode in the face of your advancing peers. No busy troll guard has time to prepare such an elaborate method of disposing trespassers as this. Or do you mean to tell me that you enjoy having the free time to regularly re-fix instruments you send to the ground?”
The troll said nothing.
I smiled, assured of both my victory and my ability to sweep aside problems with the power of money!
“You will quit your current role, upon which you shall receive the remainder of your contracted employment length as a lump sum payment. You will then receive an offer of immediate employment at your current rates plus a 15% premium, as well as increased bonuses to overtime pay and free meals on shift.”
The troll didn't lower his club even as he considered my generous offer.
“You offer to buy out my contract without knowledge of my rates. That is dangerous.”
“Once again, you slander my ability to dismiss financial planning. I do not need to know your rates—merely your starting availability.”
“And where would you offer to place someone of my talents? You understand, I hope, that the door I currently guard is rather nice. Limestone and granite, 3.1 metres in width, and with a surface that's easy to clean.”
I nodded, pretending to not understand the subtle advertisement to the additional functions he'd perform.
He may hail from a land of nationalised insanity, but he understood his worth. That he made sure to keep his hidden door cleaned was an excellent character merit.
“I understand that you'll shortly be volunteering to assist me in opening that limestone and granite door. Because I offer more than a hidden door with an easily cleanable surface. No, I will have you guard the private vaults of the Royal Villa.”
“The Royal Villa?”
I allowed the troll to piece together the identity of his new employer.
“My home is resplendent with mechanically operated brass rimmed doors laden with enchantments as old as those on your club, and never lack for thieves attempting to test them. You would never have time to fix instruments to trees ever again.”
The troll stiffened to a height I didn't know their slumped shoulders could accomplish.
It was the only answer I required.
Because as I eyed the hidden door behind the troll, I was already considering how best to empty the vaults it led to inside out.
After all, I now had a troll door guard to pay.
Ohohohohohoho!
“Fffooommofffommofffommm ~”
“Coppelia!”
“Sorry~”
