My first instinct was to order the duck seized, plucked and then roasted in an oak fired oven. It would doubtless make for a wonderful main course. The simple fact it could cause a tile to dip was testament to its weight.
Sadly, circumstances conspired to prevent me from carrying out my well entitled wishes.
Because whereas I should currently be deciding whether to request the sautéed mushrooms to be emulsified into a thick sauce or joined by a simple side of braised greens, I was instead forced to focus my thoughts on how not to die like some moronic adventurer out on their first excursion.
A problem, then.
Because when I looked inside the newly opened crevasse on the wall beside me, I spied the approaching glint of serrated metal. It was clear to me in that moment that avoiding whatever needlessly sharp object came flying at me was unlikely.
Ohhohohoho!
Unlikely … but not impossible!
Nothing was! Because I, Juliette Contzen, refused to die in a manner as pitiful as being sabotaged by a duck!
True, in the storied history of my family's reign, not every member of my lineage had been afforded an opportunity to single-handedly shape the kingdom. However, even the lowest of them still stood taller than the highest of nobility. And me dying due to a waddling 3 pound bird would significantly compromise that legacy.
That's why, even as an absurdly large, crescent shaped blade swung out of the crevasse towards me—
I boldly faced it down, carefully calculating its speed and trajectory to formulate the surest method of escape!
Ohohohoho! I was more than a beauty! I was a genius!
Thus, a thousand calculations were made in a thousandth of a second, my mind a blur of spinning numbers, abstract pictographs and algebraic expressions as every discipline known to mathematics coalesced together to form a perfect response incalculable by even the greatest scholars of our age!
My analysis complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away to the side.
Phwooooshh.
The moment I did so, I witnessed not one, but two blades the shape of a small boat swing by me, both failing to even catch the tip of my hair as they harmlessly passed me by.
“Ohhohohoho!!” I turned immediately to Coppelia. “Behold! Not even the traps of—”
Coppelia, smiling lazily, pointed at my feet.
Click.
I looked down … only to see the tile beneath my feet sinking to a noticeable rumble.
I spun to face the wall.
This time, there was no crevasse revealing a pair of scything blades. And so for the second time this evening, my attention was drawn upwards instead.
A hatch in the ceiling revealed itself.
And then, the sight of a dozen black spikes falling towards me.
For a moment, I merely gawked as I witnessed my own stunning reflection in the razor sharp points glinting against Starlight Grace's light.
And then—
I put my unmatched intellect to work once again!
Instantly, my mind was a chalkboard of advanced trigonometry, differential calculus and complex geometry! As the black spikes fought in the air to reach me, so too did answers as formulas collided in a desperate bid to determine the most mathematically sound solution to my impending doom!
My calculations complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away to the side.
Pupupupupupupupupu.
Suddenly, the sight of a dozen spikes searing past my eyelashes and lodging into the tiles filled up my vision. The lethal instruments pierced deep into the floor, the shafts leaving fissures around each impact point as a cloud of dust assailed me.
“O … ohoho … ack, hack … b-behold! Watch as I again … uck ...”
I coughed against the tiny debris and turned my face away … just in time to see the floor starting to open up beneath me!
Even as I wished to bask in the brilliance of my flawlessly calculated escape, I was yet again faced with the need to rely on my unsurpassed wit to escape an inglorious death in a dungeon that was barely worth the 3.5/10 rating I'd given it!
No audible click greeted where I'd stepped. Instead, the floor around me retreated, leaving a gap to open up beneath my legs.
Immediately, a violent updraft of heat rushed out between the gap, causing me to cling to my skirt for dear life. Peering down, I spied a twisting fireball brighter than what even Starlight Grace could emit.
And so—
I put my unparalleled cunning to work yet again!
As the gap beneath me further widened, I utilised a fraction of a nanosecond to appraise every single piece of written work ever recorded in the annals of popular literature! Genres interspersed to create a daring escape plan acted out by the greatest explorers and swashbucklers to have graced the best selling charts of bookshops all across the continent!
My studying complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away again.
Prwoooooooooooom.
A burst of flame shot up, its heat as immense as dragonfire as it scorched the ceiling until even the very stone began to melt.
And yet … even as I faced the flames warping the air before me, I stood perfectly still, my ears and eyes searching for any signs of insidious movement within this severely lacking death corridor.
Nothing happened.
S-Safe!!
I was safe! … All the way until the scarfed duck took to its wings, escaping the scything blades, the falling spikes and the dragon fire trap with a desperate flutter.
It landed just shy of the stairs.
Click.
For a single, breathless moment, my eyes took in the entire length of the narrow corridor, searching up and down for where this final trap before the stairs of safety lay hidden.
And then—
Crank. Crank. Crank.
Innumerable slots opened up in the wall either side of the stairs, revealing hundreds upon hundreds of arrows freshly dripping with green acid.
The arrowheads were practically melting before me, smoke rising to cake the ceiling as the sound of cogs grinding into place reverberated around the corridor.
Silence followed.
I swallowed a short gulp as I feared for the safety of my immaculate hair.
The next sound I heard was that of a literal wall of acid arrows launching towards me, each arrowhead dripping with enough magical poison to pierce even a troll's hide.
And so, as the veritable wall of death approached, all I could do was wait.
Wait.
Wait.
And wait some more.
I tapped my foot. I flattened a tuft of bed hair. I rolled my eyes as I wondered why my mother considered erecting a memorial statue of my grandmother while she was still alive was in any way appropriate.
Then, with Starlight Grace in hand, I whacked the arrows down as they feebly approached, each with as much strength behind it as a parchment dove thrown by a sleep-deprived toddler.
The acid broke harmlessly against Starlight Grace's enchantments. As did the arrow shafts.
Everything, without exception, was dispersed as easily as the rain upon my orchard.
For a moment, all I could do was stare, my mouth opened wide at the sight of so many fallen arrows exhibited before me.
And then—
“O … ohoho … ?”
I turned on the spot, blinking as I took in the wreckage of so many failed attempts to murder me.
After a long moment had passed, I gave my verdict.
“Oho … ohohho … ohhohohoho … ohohohohohohhoohohhohohooohhoho!!”
Was … Was that it?!
Truly?! This was the extent of Aquina Castle's defences?!
I was speechless.
Because all these traps … had been so breathtakingly subpar!
Why, I could see the scything blade while it was struggling to launch from the crevasse! The spikes toiling even as they dropped from the ceiling! The trapdoor practically creaking as it opened up beneath me!
And these arrows!
They were launched with such insulting disregard for the fact I could move my limbs! Why, I felt disgusted I was even required to cut them down!
Everything assailed me at the speed of a dying snail! This wasn't just a design flaw. It was a maintenance flaw!
Ohhohohoho!
I was not mistaken! Not only was this dungeon devoid of creativity, but even its traps were the definition of shoddy! This Duke could not even launder the tax money he stole appropriately! Why bother having a trapped corridor if the mechanisms were allowed to become irreparably rusted from lack of care?
Truly, my only loss today was at the hands of Coppelia's superior luck. And even that turned out favourably for me!
Ohoho … the next trapped corridor would be hers! And there was little guarantee it would be as shoddy as this one!
“Ooooooh ...”
Behind me, I heard the sound of newly invigorated applause.
Coppelia was clapping her hands far more enthusiastically than my actions deserved. Undoubtedly, she was attempting to earn my sentiment.
“Oh boy! That was a close one. You almost became two princesses! And then several princesses! And then a pile of ash! And then a pile of goo!”
I raised an eyebrow.
If she wished to earn my goodwill, then she needed to make her jests more palatable.
“Please, this entire dungeon is clearly in a state of disrepair. Didn't you note how the traps struggled to even activate?”
My future handmaiden gave me an odd smile.
Her lips twitched as she glanced down at the pile of arrows sizzling away at my feet to their own acid.
“Mmmmmh … I think that's a matter of perspective.”
Quack, quack. Quack, quack.
Before I could query her, I found myself planting my hands against my face instead.
“Coppelia.”
“Yes?”
“Why is there a duck here?”
The clockwork doll gave a smile bright enough to pierce through the gaps in my fingers.
“I think the question you should be asking is, 'How is the duck still alive after being smacked by so many acid arrows?'”
I lifted my hands away, then slowly looked behind me.
There, hopping up the stairs one beat of its wings at a time, was a fluffy white duck, now shorn of the bright red scarf around its neck.
It had completely melted to the acid currently dripping from the multitude of arrows lodged in its head and beak.
A beak, which like the scarf, had lost the lustre of its colour.
Now, dollops of bright yellow dripped behind it as it fluttered up the stairs.
The duck paused and looked at us, revealing a beak of pure crystal beneath what remained of that previously zany colour. And yet even that highly unusual sight paled in comparison to the eyes which now shone with a wintry blue hue.
Coppelia nudged me.
“Hey, Juliette.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“I don't want to alarm you. But I'm pretty sure that duck could take both of us on.”
I watched as the duck turned its gaze away and returned to hopping up the stairs.
My response was to quietly sigh, before proceeding to foot poke my way through the remainder of this trapped corridor.
If I was lucky, one of these traps would work and end me before I had to witness how a magical duck was inevitably going to upstage me.
My first instinct was to order the duck seized, plucked and then roasted in an oak fired oven. It would doubtless make for a wonderful main course. The simple fact it could cause a tile to dip was testament to its weight.
Sadly, circumstances conspired to prevent me from carrying out my well entitled wishes.
Because whereas I should currently be deciding whether to request the sautéed mushrooms to be emulsified into a thick sauce or joined by a simple side of braised greens, I was instead forced to focus my thoughts on how not to die like some moronic adventurer out on their first excursion.
A problem, then.
Because when I looked inside the newly opened crevasse on the wall beside me, I spied the approaching glint of serrated metal. It was clear to me in that moment that avoiding whatever needlessly sharp object came flying at me was unlikely.
Ohhohohoho!
Unlikely … but not impossible!
Nothing was! Because I, Juliette Contzen, refused to die in a manner as pitiful as being sabotaged by a duck!
True, in the storied history of my family's reign, not every member of my lineage had been afforded an opportunity to single-handedly shape the kingdom. However, even the lowest of them still stood taller than the highest of nobility. And me dying due to a waddling 3 pound bird would significantly compromise that legacy.
That's why, even as an absurdly large, crescent shaped blade swung out of the crevasse towards me—
I boldly faced it down, carefully calculating its speed and trajectory to formulate the surest method of escape!
Ohohohoho! I was more than a beauty! I was a genius!
Thus, a thousand calculations were made in a thousandth of a second, my mind a blur of spinning numbers, abstract pictographs and algebraic expressions as every discipline known to mathematics coalesced together to form a perfect response incalculable by even the greatest scholars of our age!
My analysis complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away to the side.
Phwooooshh.
The moment I did so, I witnessed not one, but two blades the shape of a small boat swing by me, both failing to even catch the tip of my hair as they harmlessly passed me by.
“Ohhohohoho!!” I turned immediately to Coppelia. “Behold! Not even the traps of—”
Coppelia, smiling lazily, pointed at my feet.
Click.
I looked down … only to see the tile beneath my feet sinking to a noticeable rumble.
I spun to face the wall.
This time, there was no crevasse revealing a pair of scything blades. And so for the second time this evening, my attention was drawn upwards instead.
A hatch in the ceiling revealed itself.
And then, the sight of a dozen black spikes falling towards me.
For a moment, I merely gawked as I witnessed my own stunning reflection in the razor sharp points glinting against Starlight Grace's light.
And then—
I put my unmatched intellect to work once again!
Instantly, my mind was a chalkboard of advanced trigonometry, differential calculus and complex geometry! As the black spikes fought in the air to reach me, so too did answers as formulas collided in a desperate bid to determine the most mathematically sound solution to my impending doom!
My calculations complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away to the side.
Pupupupupupupupupu.
Suddenly, the sight of a dozen spikes searing past my eyelashes and lodging into the tiles filled up my vision. The lethal instruments pierced deep into the floor, the shafts leaving fissures around each impact point as a cloud of dust assailed me.
“O … ohoho … ack, hack … b-behold! Watch as I again … uck ...”
I coughed against the tiny debris and turned my face away … just in time to see the floor starting to open up beneath me!
Even as I wished to bask in the brilliance of my flawlessly calculated escape, I was yet again faced with the need to rely on my unsurpassed wit to escape an inglorious death in a dungeon that was barely worth the 3.5/10 rating I'd given it!
No audible click greeted where I'd stepped. Instead, the floor around me retreated, leaving a gap to open up beneath my legs.
Immediately, a violent updraft of heat rushed out between the gap, causing me to cling to my skirt for dear life. Peering down, I spied a twisting fireball brighter than what even Starlight Grace could emit.
And so—
I put my unparalleled cunning to work yet again!
As the gap beneath me further widened, I utilised a fraction of a nanosecond to appraise every single piece of written work ever recorded in the annals of popular literature! Genres interspersed to create a daring escape plan acted out by the greatest explorers and swashbucklers to have graced the best selling charts of bookshops all across the continent!
My studying complete, I took in a deep breath—
“Hup.”
And then hopped away again.
Prwoooooooooooom.
A burst of flame shot up, its heat as immense as dragonfire as it scorched the ceiling until even the very stone began to melt.
And yet … even as I faced the flames warping the air before me, I stood perfectly still, my ears and eyes searching for any signs of insidious movement within this severely lacking death corridor.
Nothing happened.
S-Safe!!
I was safe! … All the way until the scarfed duck took to its wings, escaping the scything blades, the falling spikes and the dragon fire trap with a desperate flutter.
It landed just shy of the stairs.
Click.
For a single, breathless moment, my eyes took in the entire length of the narrow corridor, searching up and down for where this final trap before the stairs of safety lay hidden.
And then—
Crank. Crank. Crank.
Innumerable slots opened up in the wall either side of the stairs, revealing hundreds upon hundreds of arrows freshly dripping with green acid.
The arrowheads were practically melting before me, smoke rising to cake the ceiling as the sound of cogs grinding into place reverberated around the corridor.
Silence followed.
I swallowed a short gulp as I feared for the safety of my immaculate hair.
The next sound I heard was that of a literal wall of acid arrows launching towards me, each arrowhead dripping with enough magical poison to pierce even a troll's hide.
And so, as the veritable wall of death approached, all I could do was wait.
Wait.
Wait.
And wait some more.
I tapped my foot. I flattened a tuft of bed hair. I rolled my eyes as I wondered why my mother considered erecting a memorial statue of my grandmother while she was still alive was in any way appropriate.
Then, with Starlight Grace in hand, I whacked the arrows down as they feebly approached, each with as much strength behind it as a parchment dove thrown by a sleep-deprived toddler.
The acid broke harmlessly against Starlight Grace's enchantments. As did the arrow shafts.
Everything, without exception, was dispersed as easily as the rain upon my orchard.
For a moment, all I could do was stare, my mouth opened wide at the sight of so many fallen arrows exhibited before me.
And then—
“O … ohoho … ?”
I turned on the spot, blinking as I took in the wreckage of so many failed attempts to murder me.
After a long moment had passed, I gave my verdict.
“Oho … ohohho … ohhohohoho … ohohohohohohhoohohhohohooohhoho!!”
Was … Was that it?!
Truly?! This was the extent of Aquina Castle's defences?!
I was speechless.
Because all these traps … had been so breathtakingly subpar!
Why, I could see the scything blade while it was struggling to launch from the crevasse! The spikes toiling even as they dropped from the ceiling! The trapdoor practically creaking as it opened up beneath me!
And these arrows!
They were launched with such insulting disregard for the fact I could move my limbs! Why, I felt disgusted I was even required to cut them down!
Everything assailed me at the speed of a dying snail! This wasn't just a design flaw. It was a maintenance flaw!
Ohhohohoho!
I was not mistaken! Not only was this dungeon devoid of creativity, but even its traps were the definition of shoddy! This Duke could not even launder the tax money he stole appropriately! Why bother having a trapped corridor if the mechanisms were allowed to become irreparably rusted from lack of care?
Truly, my only loss today was at the hands of Coppelia's superior luck. And even that turned out favourably for me!
Ohoho … the next trapped corridor would be hers! And there was little guarantee it would be as shoddy as this one!
“Ooooooh ...”
Behind me, I heard the sound of newly invigorated applause.
Coppelia was clapping her hands far more enthusiastically than my actions deserved. Undoubtedly, she was attempting to earn my sentiment.
“Oh boy! That was a close one. You almost became two princesses! And then several princesses! And then a pile of ash! And then a pile of goo!”
I raised an eyebrow.
If she wished to earn my goodwill, then she needed to make her jests more palatable.
“Please, this entire dungeon is clearly in a state of disrepair. Didn't you note how the traps struggled to even activate?”
My future handmaiden gave me an odd smile.
Her lips twitched as she glanced down at the pile of arrows sizzling away at my feet to their own acid.
“Mmmmmh … I think that's a matter of perspective.”
Quack, quack. Quack, quack.
Before I could query her, I found myself planting my hands against my face instead.
“Coppelia.”
“Yes?”
“Why is there a duck here?”
The clockwork doll gave a smile bright enough to pierce through the gaps in my fingers.
“I think the question you should be asking is, 'How is the duck still alive after being smacked by so many acid arrows?'”
I lifted my hands away, then slowly looked behind me.
There, hopping up the stairs one beat of its wings at a time, was a fluffy white duck, now shorn of the bright red scarf around its neck.
It had completely melted to the acid currently dripping from the multitude of arrows lodged in its head and beak.
A beak, which like the scarf, had lost the lustre of its colour.
Now, dollops of bright yellow dripped behind it as it fluttered up the stairs.
The duck paused and looked at us, revealing a beak of pure crystal beneath what remained of that previously zany colour. And yet even that highly unusual sight paled in comparison to the eyes which now shone with a wintry blue hue.
Coppelia nudged me.
“Hey, Juliette.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“I don't want to alarm you. But I'm pretty sure that duck could take both of us on.”
I watched as the duck turned its gaze away and returned to hopping up the stairs.
My response was to quietly sigh, before proceeding to foot poke my way through the remainder of this trapped corridor.
If I was lucky, one of these traps would work and end me before I had to witness how a magical duck was inevitably going to upstage me.
