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The moment the words came out of her mouth, Lu Zhiqiao completely gave up her reserve.
She lowered her head, spoke in a low voice, her eyes were filled with mist.
She saw some warmth in Qi Yan's eyes, but only a little bit. The inexplicable gloom and chaos were tightly intertwined, as if they were about to devour her.
If Qi Yan had heard these words before, she would have been very happy, and then the two of them would happily be together and live a happy family life of three. But hearing this now, despite the strong affection in the words, she could only feel fear, dread and anxiety.
After reading that document, she learned about all of Lu Zhiqiao's past and suddenly realized that she had never really known her, never really understood her, and never had any contact with people like her.
The scars on a person's heart cannot be healed in a short period of time, not to mention the old wounds that have festered for more than 20 years. She once naively thought that as long as she has a heart that loves enough, she can infect and save all unfortunate people.
But when she learned about Lu Zhiqiao's past and the things behind it, she thought of things that might happen in the future, and repeatedly evaluated her abilities, she found that everything was far from being as simple as she imagined.
Assuming that Lu Zhiqiao is a mentally unstable patient, she may fall ill at any time, become disoriented, and lose her mind. If she wants to be with Lu Zhiqiao, she must think clearly whether she can bear all the consequences caused by the other party's illness, and also think clearly about her own. Does she have the ability to take care of each other, and at the same time ensure that she will not be disappointed, will not lose patience, will never leave, will accompany and protect her?
How many normal people can do it?
Lu Zhiqiao's past was the so-called "mental illness", a wound that would fester repeatedly.
If the wound is not healed,and they decide to be together like this, they will "explode" at any time in the future, hurting themselves and the people around them. What should she do? She can endure it once, but she can't guarantee that she can endure it countless times, and then quarrels will break out, again and again, in an infinite loop.
They will go to ruin in such a state.
She knew that Lu Zhiqiao is not easily tempted, but once the door is knocked open, she knows for life that there will be no way out.
Her wound is difficult to heal, and she can't heal it by herself, and she can't bear it. What could be done then?
If she cannot bear this weight, she will never contact her again and disappear from each other's lives. If she can bear this weight, she will boldly embrace each other and welcome a new life.
She didn't want that one day in the future, she would get tired of being tortured, turn around and leave, leaving Lu Zhiqiao falling into the abyss holding a heart riddled with holes.
But now it seems a bit late. She has already provoked Lu Zhiqiao, and without knowing it, this woman's heart is slowly being held up in front of her.
Can she handle it?
It's too late, she got stuck herself. She became conflicted, wanting to accept Lu Zhiqiao's closeness but not daring to make light decisions. She was both happy for Lu Zhiqiao's initiative and annoyed by her own confusion.
Her previous love experience seems to have malfunctioned and cannot provide her with any reference or assistance.
So she was anxious.
Qi Yan regretted her previous recklessness and assumptions, but she didn't regret loving Lu Zhiqiao. In her heart, she was filled with hope that they could have a beautiful future.
Her back felt cool and comfortable, and the burning pain was much relieved now.
"Lu Zhiqiao…"
"Mm."
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"You said those words in front of Jiang Yu, are you forcing me to make a choice?" Qi Yan asked feebly, looking up at her while lying on her stomach.
Lu Zhiqiao's eyes were unbearably red, but she held back her tears. She raised her head and blinked, let out a breath, looked at the ceiling and whispered, "Yes. Because when I saw Jiang Yu appearing on stage, you smiled at her so happily. When you got hit, I also saw that she hugged you and cared about you, but I could only pretend not to know you, and looked at you from the side. I got very sad and uncomfortable..."
For such reason, she doesn't feel the need to be so reserved, she can't wait to show Qi Yan her heart and soul.
She felt uncomfortable, jealous, and couldn't bear to see Qi Yan staring at other beautiful women, who is also her first love. No matter how much she rationalizes herself, she has to admit that she just cares.
"Then have you considered my feelings?"
"..."
"I came here because of work. Jiang Yu is my colleague. From the beginning to the end, she didn't do anything beyond the scope of the relationship between colleagues. I didn't just smile at her, I smiled at all the models. These are my work habits."
"The assistant contacted me for work, and the rehearsal was for everyone. I didn't just take pictures of her alone, and I only see her as a colleague." Qi Yan bent her fingers and tapped the back of the bed.
As she spoke, her tone was getting a little agitated.
Lu Zhiqiao closed his eyes and said, "I know, I know it all, but she's your first love. You've been together, and she must know you very well. When I think of this…"
She just can't stay calm.
She understood everything, so she didn't show any emotions at that time. Even if she feels sad in her heart, she understands that she cannot ignore the occasion.
She can pretend to be calm outside, but how can she hold back in private?
Her voice was a little hoarse and Qi Yan's heart was stabbed, she sighed, and said in a slow tone: "Everyone is here for work, and you are too. Since you are here for business, you should act professionally. You think our normal contact is a personal encounter, bringing in personal emotions, forcing me to make a choice, and finally turning around and blaming me instead, do you think this is appropriate?"
Source: https://www.jjwxc.net/onebook.php?novelid=3975255
This translation is originally posted on https://love4baihe blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Speaking of these, another fire rose in her heart.
Qi Yan thought she had enough patience, but at some point, the switch that controlled her emotions was firmly held in Lu Zhiqiao's hand.
When she cries, she wants to cry; when she laughs, she wants to laugh; when she is sad, she also feels sad. After investing in this relationship, she was hovering on the verge of losing herself.
"Jiang Yu gave me her coat, but I didn't accept it right away, you saw it. She helped me, but when you walked over, I immediately distanced myself, you saw it too. So you know very well in your heart that I care about your feelings, I care for you, and then you became confident and forced me to make a choice, thinking that I would definitely cooperate with you."
"But all you think about is yourself, and you don't consider my feelings at all."
She didn't look at her, and said a lot in one breath.
Every word is like a sharp blade, cutting open the bloody facts.
Lu Zhiqiao pinched her palms and said in a trembling voice, "I was too anxious when I saw Jiang Yu..."
"That's right." Qi Yan smiled weakly, pulled up her clothes and got up, letting the sticky ointment stick to her nightgown. "I was just about to tell you this. You have been transferred this time, right? At first I didn't know, I thought it was a coincidence, but during the rehearsal yesterday morning, I heard a colleague chatting and said that they were negotiating with Ms. Shu previously. It probably means that you were not supposed to be here, I thought—”
"Yes." Lu Zhiqiao admitted bluntly, "I knew you would definitely come. It happened that Ms. Shu's work schedule was too tight and she couldn't make it in time, so I proposed a transfer."
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"So you didn't have to see Jiang Yu."
"..."
"I said we should separate and calm down for a while. I just took advantage of this work to relax, and I made a travel plan, and I will set off once I go back. I didn't expect that you would use work as an excuse to come here." Qi Yan's voice was deep and she was staring straight at her face, without questioning or accusing, but the more calm it is, the more unsettling she felt.
Lu Zhiqiao pursed her lips and lowered her eyes.
She knew that what she did was wrong, that's why she felt guilty just now, and she also knew that it was her fault. But at that time, she had no reason, no time to think, what to say or do, it was all based on instinct.
But just the same, it is her own fault.
"Moreover, with what identity and stance did you use to announce a relationship that I had never had before in front of my colleagues?" As soon as Qi Yan blurted out the last question, she felt extreme relief. Sooner or later, they will have to talk about these things. Since she was forced to the corner, long pain is better than short pain.
However, it was like a thunderbolt, forcefully splitting Lu Zhiqiao into pieces.
Lu Zhiqiao's body trembled and her eyes turned red again. Suddenly, she hugged Qi Yan, buried her face in her neck, and sobbed softly, "I'm sorry… I know it's my fault... I also know I've been avoiding and hurting your heart before... Although I can't improve all of a sudden, believe me, I'm working hard…"
If she hadn't met Qi Yan, she would have lived her life like that, and she wouldn't have tried to walk out of the dark corner on her own initiative.
Now it's too late to pull back. For someone like her, falling in love means it's for a lifetime. Once she gives her heart away, she can't get it back. One step further is Qi Yan, and one step back is the abyss. She will either be happy, or be crushed to pieces.
"I don't have any place for anyone else in my heart. It's all you and Niu Niu, and family affection and love are different, they can coexist. You are all very important to me, and I can't lose either one." Lu Zhiqiao said nasally, tightening her arms, for fear that if she loosened a little bit, this woman would run away.
She held too tightly that Qi Yan got a little out of breath.
Hot tears dripped into the nook of her neck, damp and condensed, bit by bit. Qi Yan parted her lips, panting lowly, and dense pain spread from her heart...
She didn't want to see Lu Zhiqiao humbling herself, but she felt a little bit of satisfaction in her heart, like being taken care of and coaxed after being angry.
It turned out that there was a child living in her heart.
But this satisfaction quickly turned into pain because she loved Lu Zhiqiao, and her emotions were all influenced by this woman. The more humble Lu Zhiqiao became, the sadder she felt, and no amount of cold words could be spoken out.
"Lu Zhiqiao..."
"Mm, I'm here."
Qi Yan hugged her and said softly, "I love you."
The person in her arms trembled and gently inhaled, with more and more tears streaming down her neck.
"When I first met you, I just wanted to play with you. Once I had enough, I could kick you away at any time, so I was reckless. Later on, I stopped playing and wanted to get to know you seriously. The more you dodged, the more I chased you and pushed you to the corner.
"I thought you were just like most people of your age who are very cautious and concerned about relationships, and have been in society for a long time, making it difficult to open up to others. That kind of you is just to my taste, on the contrary, if you just cater to me casually, I will lose interest. So at that time, I was a hundred times more confident and felt that it was only a matter of time before we get together."
Qi Yan said calmly, raising her hand to stroke Lu Zhiqiao's hair.
"Later on, I vaguely felt that you were hiding something very important from me. In fact, I already felt that I was taking it for granted, because I don't want to let go of the person I chose so easily."
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"Until I read the document you sent, I finally realized that things are not that simple."
Having said that, Qi Yan took a deep breath, put her hands on Lu Zhiqiao's shoulders, forced her to sit up, and looked at her. Then, word by word: "That's right, I am scared. After finding out the reason, I knew why you said those things on the night of my birthday and when we had a fight on the day I returned from school.
"It's not that easy for a person to recover from the injuries he has suffered over the years. I don't have the confidence to bring you out, and I can't guarantee that I can always be with you in this state."
"So I am afraid, just like how you were afraid to give your heart to me back then."
"I can get out in one piece, but what about you?"
Her voice choked up suddenly, and her eyes turned red.
In just a few months, Qi Yan has completely overturned her self-cognition. She is not as confident and open-minded as she imagined, and she is not as decisive as she imagined. To put it bluntly, she is a greenhouse flower that rarely suffers. When she saw Lu Zhiqiao's weed growing in the cracks, she was naturally fascinated.
"But now... I don't seem to be able to fully recover... "Qi Yan looked at her, her slender eyelashes drooping, as if talking to herself.
It is too late to retreat, they are now trapped in each other, no matter how hard they struggled, they would only sink deeper and deeper.
These words have been held in her heart for a long time, and it turns out it's easier to speak them out. Originally, she had a lot of concerns, covering up and blurring, which led to misunderstandings.
Maybe Lu Zhiqiao would think this was an excuse for her to escape, laugh at her as a coward, or be disappointed, or feel cold, and think that she is a bastard who doesn't want to take responsibility for tempting her, and see through her essence wrapped in hypocrisy.
It doesn't matter anymore.
They stared at each other for a long time, seeing their faces in each other's eyes, allowing time to pass slowly...
The balcony doors and windows were tightly closed, and the room grew hotter. The air was filled with the smell of ointment, and a faint scent of green grass seemed to have a calming effect. Smelling it, their boiling emotions gradually subsided.
The surroundings were eerily quiet, and the sound of breathing was extremely clear. Their gazes were intertwined, as if connected by an invisible thread, inseparable until the fog in their eyes slowly dissipated.
Is it time to pass judgment? Qi Yan thought.
Her heart pounded happily.
Lu Zhiqiao stared at Qi Yan, her eyelashes trembling slightly, her ink-like eyes shining with tears. For a moment, she murmured, "So that's how it is…"
Qi Yan frowned and her heart sank.
Lu Zhiqiao, however, suddenly smiled.
"?"
She thought that what Qi Yan cared about was her preference for her daughter, unable to balance the weight of the two emotions. She thought that Qi Yan was jealous of her daughter and she didn't notice so she became angry. She even thought that Qi Yan was throwing tantrums and deliberately refused to listen to her. So at first, she couldn't understand why Qi Yan began to be so distant from her after confessing her past.
She didn't expect this person to think deeper than her.
If Qi Yan didn't love her, she could just disappear without a trace, so that she couldn't find or see her. But just as Qi Yan said, because of love, it was impossible to retreat completely.
In her situation, ordinary people would have concerns. From a certain level, Qi Yan's reluctance to step into her world easily is also out of serious consideration, wanting to be responsible, and hoping that the two of them will be better. Just like when she confessed her feelings to Qi Yan, she said many of her shortcomings, and refused to take that step lightly.
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It's just that she was slow on the uptake, and now Qi Yan is also slow.
"Actually, if you can think this way, my heart feels more assured" She frowned slightly, and stretched out her hand to hook Qi Yan's neck.
Qi Yan hugged her subconsciously: "...What do you mean?"
"You feel scared, which means that you have seriously thought about our future. You admit to me that you are afraid, which means that you have a sense of responsibility. Not everyone has the courage to admit their fear. I am not mistaken, Qi Yan, you're worthy..." Lu Zhiqiao buried her face in her hair, a tear dripped from the corner of her eye, she didn't know whether the tear flowed from being moved or excited.
At this moment, she gained an unprecedented sense of security.
Qi Yan was stunned for a moment, her heartbeat gradually slowed down, and she whispered, "Don't make it sound like I'm amazing."
"But you are amazing to me."
"Oh."
The two hugged quietly, warm in each other's arms, and the smell of perfume and ointment mixed together, and it didn't smell pleasant.
"Yan Yan..."
Qi Yan froze, her heart twitched: "Huh?"
Lu Zhiqiao left her arms, raised her head, and looked at her seriously: "You shouldn't bear these pressures alone. I'm working hard too. After all, the main problem lies with me. You have to believe in me, and you must also believe in yourself."
Her eyes were a little swollen from crying, covered with faint red blood, looking haggard and pitiful.
Qi Yan pursed her lips, with guilt in her eyes: "I'm not that good, I'm not that perfect, but I don't want to give up, I'm just conflicted, seeing you come to me, I still...I feel a little angry, so I'm telling you not to think so greatly of me, I am just an ordinary person..."
"Mm, I'm also an ordinary person. I'm still stupid and don't understand anything. I want you to teach me." Lu Zhiqiao smiled at her.
Her hands were still smeared with ointment, sticky and slippery, reflecting the light, Qi Yan glanced down, silently took a tissue from the bedside, and grabbed her hand.
Lu Zhiqiao retracted subconsciously, "I haven't finished massaging yet."
Qi Yan paused, thought for a while, then lay back calmly, rolled up her nightgown's hem, and turned her face to the other side.
Looking at the large bruises on her back, Lu Zhiqiao's heart broke.
After all the ointment was wiped off, she squeezed some more onto her hand, melted it evenly, wiped it on, and massaged carefully and gently.
The coolness gradually spread, and Qi Yan felt less stuffy.
No one spoke.
After about fifteen minutes of massaging, Lu Zhiqiao went to the bathroom to wash her hands, dry them, twist up the ointment and put it on the bedside. She warned carefully, "Don't go to bed until it's completely dry. I'll come back tomorrow morning
After speaking, she turned to leave.
Her wrist was suddenly pulled, and when she turned her head, she saw Qi Yan standing up, looking at her deeply: "I'm going to take a break after work." After a pause, she said, "Wait for me to come back."
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The moment the words came out of her mouth, Lu Zhiqiao completely gave up her reserve.
She lowered her head, spoke in a low voice, her eyes were filled with mist.
She saw some warmth in Qi Yan's eyes, but only a little bit. The inexplicable gloom and chaos were tightly intertwined, as if they were about to devour her.
If Qi Yan had heard these words before, she would have been very happy, and then the two of them would happily be together and live a happy family life of three. But hearing this now, despite the strong affection in the words, she could only feel fear, dread and anxiety.
After reading that document, she learned about all of Lu Zhiqiao's past and suddenly realized that she had never really known her, never really understood her, and never had any contact with people like her.
The scars on a person's heart cannot be healed in a short period of time, not to mention the old wounds that have festered for more than 20 years. She once naively thought that as long as she has a heart that loves enough, she can infect and save all unfortunate people.
But when she learned about Lu Zhiqiao's past and the things behind it, she thought of things that might happen in the future, and repeatedly evaluated her abilities, she found that everything was far from being as simple as she imagined.
Assuming that Lu Zhiqiao is a mentally unstable patient, she may fall ill at any time, become disoriented, and lose her mind. If she wants to be with Lu Zhiqiao, she must think clearly whether she can bear all the consequences caused by the other party's illness, and also think clearly about her own. Does she have the ability to take care of each other, and at the same time ensure that she will not be disappointed, will not lose patience, will never leave, will accompany and protect her?
How many normal people can do it?
Lu Zhiqiao's past was the so-called "mental illness", a wound that would fester repeatedly.
If the wound is not healed,and they decide to be together like this, they will "explode" at any time in the future, hurting themselves and the people around them. What should she do? She can endure it once, but she can't guarantee that she can endure it countless times, and then quarrels will break out, again and again, in an infinite loop.
They will go to ruin in such a state.
She knew that Lu Zhiqiao is not easily tempted, but once the door is knocked open, she knows for life that there will be no way out.
Her wound is difficult to heal, and she can't heal it by herself, and she can't bear it. What could be done then?
If she cannot bear this weight, she will never contact her again and disappear from each other's lives. If she can bear this weight, she will boldly embrace each other and welcome a new life.
She didn't want that one day in the future, she would get tired of being tortured, turn around and leave, leaving Lu Zhiqiao falling into the abyss holding a heart riddled with holes.
But now it seems a bit late. She has already provoked Lu Zhiqiao, and without knowing it, this woman's heart is slowly being held up in front of her.
Can she handle it?
It's too late, she got stuck herself. She became conflicted, wanting to accept Lu Zhiqiao's closeness but not daring to make light decisions. She was both happy for Lu Zhiqiao's initiative and annoyed by her own confusion.
Her previous love experience seems to have malfunctioned and cannot provide her with any reference or assistance.
So she was anxious.
Qi Yan regretted her previous recklessness and assumptions, but she didn't regret loving Lu Zhiqiao. In her heart, she was filled with hope that they could have a beautiful future.
Her back felt cool and comfortable, and the burning pain was much relieved now.
"Lu Zhiqiao…"
"Mm."
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"You said those words in front of Jiang Yu, are you forcing me to make a choice?" Qi Yan asked feebly, looking up at her while lying on her stomach.
Lu Zhiqiao's eyes were unbearably red, but she held back her tears. She raised her head and blinked, let out a breath, looked at the ceiling and whispered, "Yes. Because when I saw Jiang Yu appearing on stage, you smiled at her so happily. When you got hit, I also saw that she hugged you and cared about you, but I could only pretend not to know you, and looked at you from the side. I got very sad and uncomfortable..."
For such reason, she doesn't feel the need to be so reserved, she can't wait to show Qi Yan her heart and soul.
She felt uncomfortable, jealous, and couldn't bear to see Qi Yan staring at other beautiful women, who is also her first love. No matter how much she rationalizes herself, she has to admit that she just cares.
"Then have you considered my feelings?"
"..."
"I came here because of work. Jiang Yu is my colleague. From the beginning to the end, she didn't do anything beyond the scope of the relationship between colleagues. I didn't just smile at her, I smiled at all the models. These are my work habits."
"The assistant contacted me for work, and the rehearsal was for everyone. I didn't just take pictures of her alone, and I only see her as a colleague." Qi Yan bent her fingers and tapped the back of the bed.
As she spoke, her tone was getting a little agitated.
Lu Zhiqiao closed his eyes and said, "I know, I know it all, but she's your first love. You've been together, and she must know you very well. When I think of this…"
She just can't stay calm.
She understood everything, so she didn't show any emotions at that time. Even if she feels sad in her heart, she understands that she cannot ignore the occasion.
She can pretend to be calm outside, but how can she hold back in private?
Her voice was a little hoarse and Qi Yan's heart was stabbed, she sighed, and said in a slow tone: "Everyone is here for work, and you are too. Since you are here for business, you should act professionally. You think our normal contact is a personal encounter, bringing in personal emotions, forcing me to make a choice, and finally turning around and blaming me instead, do you think this is appropriate?"
Source: https://www.jjwxc.net/onebook.php?novelid=3975255
This translation is originally posted on https://love4baihe blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Speaking of these, another fire rose in her heart.
Qi Yan thought she had enough patience, but at some point, the switch that controlled her emotions was firmly held in Lu Zhiqiao's hand.
When she cries, she wants to cry; when she laughs, she wants to laugh; when she is sad, she also feels sad. After investing in this relationship, she was hovering on the verge of losing herself.
"Jiang Yu gave me her coat, but I didn't accept it right away, you saw it. She helped me, but when you walked over, I immediately distanced myself, you saw it too. So you know very well in your heart that I care about your feelings, I care for you, and then you became confident and forced me to make a choice, thinking that I would definitely cooperate with you."
"But all you think about is yourself, and you don't consider my feelings at all."
She didn't look at her, and said a lot in one breath.
Every word is like a sharp blade, cutting open the bloody facts.
Lu Zhiqiao pinched her palms and said in a trembling voice, "I was too anxious when I saw Jiang Yu..."
"That's right." Qi Yan smiled weakly, pulled up her clothes and got up, letting the sticky ointment stick to her nightgown. "I was just about to tell you this. You have been transferred this time, right? At first I didn't know, I thought it was a coincidence, but during the rehearsal yesterday morning, I heard a colleague chatting and said that they were negotiating with Ms. Shu previously. It probably means that you were not supposed to be here, I thought—”
"Yes." Lu Zhiqiao admitted bluntly, "I knew you would definitely come. It happened that Ms. Shu's work schedule was too tight and she couldn't make it in time, so I proposed a transfer."
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"So you didn't have to see Jiang Yu."
"..."
"I said we should separate and calm down for a while. I just took advantage of this work to relax, and I made a travel plan, and I will set off once I go back. I didn't expect that you would use work as an excuse to come here." Qi Yan's voice was deep and she was staring straight at her face, without questioning or accusing, but the more calm it is, the more unsettling she felt.
Lu Zhiqiao pursed her lips and lowered her eyes.
She knew that what she did was wrong, that's why she felt guilty just now, and she also knew that it was her fault. But at that time, she had no reason, no time to think, what to say or do, it was all based on instinct.
But just the same, it is her own fault.
"Moreover, with what identity and stance did you use to announce a relationship that I had never had before in front of my colleagues?" As soon as Qi Yan blurted out the last question, she felt extreme relief. Sooner or later, they will have to talk about these things. Since she was forced to the corner, long pain is better than short pain.
However, it was like a thunderbolt, forcefully splitting Lu Zhiqiao into pieces.
Lu Zhiqiao's body trembled and her eyes turned red again. Suddenly, she hugged Qi Yan, buried her face in her neck, and sobbed softly, "I'm sorry… I know it's my fault... I also know I've been avoiding and hurting your heart before... Although I can't improve all of a sudden, believe me, I'm working hard…"
If she hadn't met Qi Yan, she would have lived her life like that, and she wouldn't have tried to walk out of the dark corner on her own initiative.
Now it's too late to pull back. For someone like her, falling in love means it's for a lifetime. Once she gives her heart away, she can't get it back. One step further is Qi Yan, and one step back is the abyss. She will either be happy, or be crushed to pieces.
"I don't have any place for anyone else in my heart. It's all you and Niu Niu, and family affection and love are different, they can coexist. You are all very important to me, and I can't lose either one." Lu Zhiqiao said nasally, tightening her arms, for fear that if she loosened a little bit, this woman would run away.
She held too tightly that Qi Yan got a little out of breath.
Hot tears dripped into the nook of her neck, damp and condensed, bit by bit. Qi Yan parted her lips, panting lowly, and dense pain spread from her heart...
She didn't want to see Lu Zhiqiao humbling herself, but she felt a little bit of satisfaction in her heart, like being taken care of and coaxed after being angry.
It turned out that there was a child living in her heart.
But this satisfaction quickly turned into pain because she loved Lu Zhiqiao, and her emotions were all influenced by this woman. The more humble Lu Zhiqiao became, the sadder she felt, and no amount of cold words could be spoken out.
"Lu Zhiqiao..."
"Mm, I'm here."
Qi Yan hugged her and said softly, "I love you."
The person in her arms trembled and gently inhaled, with more and more tears streaming down her neck.
"When I first met you, I just wanted to play with you. Once I had enough, I could kick you away at any time, so I was reckless. Later on, I stopped playing and wanted to get to know you seriously. The more you dodged, the more I chased you and pushed you to the corner.
"I thought you were just like most people of your age who are very cautious and concerned about relationships, and have been in society for a long time, making it difficult to open up to others. That kind of you is just to my taste, on the contrary, if you just cater to me casually, I will lose interest. So at that time, I was a hundred times more confident and felt that it was only a matter of time before we get together."
Qi Yan said calmly, raising her hand to stroke Lu Zhiqiao's hair.
"Later on, I vaguely felt that you were hiding something very important from me. In fact, I already felt that I was taking it for granted, because I don't want to let go of the person I chose so easily."
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"Until I read the document you sent, I finally realized that things are not that simple."
Having said that, Qi Yan took a deep breath, put her hands on Lu Zhiqiao's shoulders, forced her to sit up, and looked at her. Then, word by word: "That's right, I am scared. After finding out the reason, I knew why you said those things on the night of my birthday and when we had a fight on the day I returned from school.
"It's not that easy for a person to recover from the injuries he has suffered over the years. I don't have the confidence to bring you out, and I can't guarantee that I can always be with you in this state."
"So I am afraid, just like how you were afraid to give your heart to me back then."
"I can get out in one piece, but what about you?"
Her voice choked up suddenly, and her eyes turned red.
In just a few months, Qi Yan has completely overturned her self-cognition. She is not as confident and open-minded as she imagined, and she is not as decisive as she imagined. To put it bluntly, she is a greenhouse flower that rarely suffers. When she saw Lu Zhiqiao's weed growing in the cracks, she was naturally fascinated.
"But now... I don't seem to be able to fully recover... "Qi Yan looked at her, her slender eyelashes drooping, as if talking to herself.
It is too late to retreat, they are now trapped in each other, no matter how hard they struggled, they would only sink deeper and deeper.
These words have been held in her heart for a long time, and it turns out it's easier to speak them out. Originally, she had a lot of concerns, covering up and blurring, which led to misunderstandings.
Maybe Lu Zhiqiao would think this was an excuse for her to escape, laugh at her as a coward, or be disappointed, or feel cold, and think that she is a bastard who doesn't want to take responsibility for tempting her, and see through her essence wrapped in hypocrisy.
It doesn't matter anymore.
They stared at each other for a long time, seeing their faces in each other's eyes, allowing time to pass slowly...
The balcony doors and windows were tightly closed, and the room grew hotter. The air was filled with the smell of ointment, and a faint scent of green grass seemed to have a calming effect. Smelling it, their boiling emotions gradually subsided.
The surroundings were eerily quiet, and the sound of breathing was extremely clear. Their gazes were intertwined, as if connected by an invisible thread, inseparable until the fog in their eyes slowly dissipated.
Is it time to pass judgment? Qi Yan thought.
Her heart pounded happily.
Lu Zhiqiao stared at Qi Yan, her eyelashes trembling slightly, her ink-like eyes shining with tears. For a moment, she murmured, "So that's how it is…"
Qi Yan frowned and her heart sank.
Lu Zhiqiao, however, suddenly smiled.
"?"
She thought that what Qi Yan cared about was her preference for her daughter, unable to balance the weight of the two emotions. She thought that Qi Yan was jealous of her daughter and she didn't notice so she became angry. She even thought that Qi Yan was throwing tantrums and deliberately refused to listen to her. So at first, she couldn't understand why Qi Yan began to be so distant from her after confessing her past.
She didn't expect this person to think deeper than her.
If Qi Yan didn't love her, she could just disappear without a trace, so that she couldn't find or see her. But just as Qi Yan said, because of love, it was impossible to retreat completely.
In her situation, ordinary people would have concerns. From a certain level, Qi Yan's reluctance to step into her world easily is also out of serious consideration, wanting to be responsible, and hoping that the two of them will be better. Just like when she confessed her feelings to Qi Yan, she said many of her shortcomings, and refused to take that step lightly.
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It's just that she was slow on the uptake, and now Qi Yan is also slow.
"Actually, if you can think this way, my heart feels more assured" She frowned slightly, and stretched out her hand to hook Qi Yan's neck.
Qi Yan hugged her subconsciously: "...What do you mean?"
"You feel scared, which means that you have seriously thought about our future. You admit to me that you are afraid, which means that you have a sense of responsibility. Not everyone has the courage to admit their fear. I am not mistaken, Qi Yan, you're worthy..." Lu Zhiqiao buried her face in her hair, a tear dripped from the corner of her eye, she didn't know whether the tear flowed from being moved or excited.
At this moment, she gained an unprecedented sense of security.
Qi Yan was stunned for a moment, her heartbeat gradually slowed down, and she whispered, "Don't make it sound like I'm amazing."
"But you are amazing to me."
"Oh."
The two hugged quietly, warm in each other's arms, and the smell of perfume and ointment mixed together, and it didn't smell pleasant.
"Yan Yan..."
Qi Yan froze, her heart twitched: "Huh?"
Lu Zhiqiao left her arms, raised her head, and looked at her seriously: "You shouldn't bear these pressures alone. I'm working hard too. After all, the main problem lies with me. You have to believe in me, and you must also believe in yourself."
Her eyes were a little swollen from crying, covered with faint red blood, looking haggard and pitiful.
Qi Yan pursed her lips, with guilt in her eyes: "I'm not that good, I'm not that perfect, but I don't want to give up, I'm just conflicted, seeing you come to me, I still...I feel a little angry, so I'm telling you not to think so greatly of me, I am just an ordinary person..."
"Mm, I'm also an ordinary person. I'm still stupid and don't understand anything. I want you to teach me." Lu Zhiqiao smiled at her.
Her hands were still smeared with ointment, sticky and slippery, reflecting the light, Qi Yan glanced down, silently took a tissue from the bedside, and grabbed her hand.
Lu Zhiqiao retracted subconsciously, "I haven't finished massaging yet."
Qi Yan paused, thought for a while, then lay back calmly, rolled up her nightgown's hem, and turned her face to the other side.
Looking at the large bruises on her back, Lu Zhiqiao's heart broke.
After all the ointment was wiped off, she squeezed some more onto her hand, melted it evenly, wiped it on, and massaged carefully and gently.
The coolness gradually spread, and Qi Yan felt less stuffy.
No one spoke.
After about fifteen minutes of massaging, Lu Zhiqiao went to the bathroom to wash her hands, dry them, twist up the ointment and put it on the bedside. She warned carefully, "Don't go to bed until it's completely dry. I'll come back tomorrow morning
After speaking, she turned to leave.
Her wrist was suddenly pulled, and when she turned her head, she saw Qi Yan standing up, looking at her deeply: "I'm going to take a break after work." After a pause, she said, "Wait for me to come back."
