At Jacqueline’s call, my group entered her room. It was nice, though less decorated than the ones being used by Edith and myself. Understandable of course, and not really worth noting. Jacqueline was sitting in a chair that had a pair of wheels and an axel bolted onto it. Unlike a modern wheelchair, this one was clearly an ordinary chair at first with the wheels being added on after.
Crude, but it would work. Is there any reason they didn’t just make one? That wouldn’t be so hard.
“Jacqueline… How are you?”
Her head turned to face me. Her expression was sad, but lit up with a smile when she saw my concern.
“My lady, I am gladdened to see you have recovered.”
Nope, not allowing that.
Arms crossed, I raised myself up to my new full height and tilted my head to look down at her.
“Jacqueline, how are you? Be honest.”
Perhaps it had something to do with the reversal of our positions; I had always been the mistress and she the servant, but this was the first time I was actually looking down on her from a higher position without need of a boost. Even if it was because she was seated.
Jacqueline’s smile fell off and her shoulders slumped looking down and away from me she mumbled, barely audible, “I failed. I failed and have become useless.”
Without changing my posture, I waited for her to continue.
“…My lady, you gave me back my past. Instead of thanking you, I failed to protect you. More than that, before abandoning you I besmirched your name. I am unfitting to call myself your vassal, you should leave me and continue moving forward.”
Has she been wallowing in this self-pity the whole time I was asleep? Blaming herself? I am the one who has been constantly betraying her trust. Using her. Running around recklessly and forcing her to clean up the mess.
When it seemed like she was done speaking for the moment, I unfolded my arms and pulled a chair over from the side table so that my eyes could meet her own on even ground.
“You moron.”
Jacqueline’s eyes widened at my statement; it had clearly not been what she was expecting me to say. Unperturbed, my speech had only just begun.
“I do not want to hear talk like that from you. You have always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. Whenever I failed, you picked me up and covered for me. So what if you lost your arm? You never complained. Even if it made your work a struggle, you put in more effort and pressed on. Sure, losing your legs is different; no amount of effort would be enough to overcome this.”
Her face turned downcast, but I had merely spoken the truth.
“…But so what? So what if you can’t walk anymore? So what if you can’t fight? Why do you think for even a second that I would just get rid of you?”
Jacqueline’s eyes flashed, “That’s the problem, my lady. You should get rid of me. I can do nothing to help you as I am now, to hold on for my sake would be the height of folly.”
I crossed my arms and sat back in my chair while closing my eyes, “Jacqueline, what gives you the right to tell me that?”
“My lady, I mean no offense; I speak only the truth as I see it.”
“Then on top of your legs, you have also gone blind.”
Opening my eyes, I saw that Jacqueline had frozen. I pressed the attack.
“You have twice sworn yourself to my service. Twice I have betrayed that oath, yet still, you call me your lady. In the future I will need to abandon people, people will live and die by my words and actions… People already have.”
Asten, Kurtis, Dent, Adam.
“Don’t tell me I should leave you now. I already know that would be the smarter thing to do. I don’t care.”
She looked like she was about to protest something, but a wave of my hand silenced whatever it was.
“Besides, I was told what you did for my sister. Why would you do that, if you claim to have failed me, and think I should cast you aside?”
“...Because, she reminded me of myself…”
Jacqueline’s voice was small as she spoke, but I picked up on it clearly.
“Because of what happened? The memories you recovered when I removed the worm?”
“…Yes. I, I remembered everything. My old life, before my own Dedication. It was… I remember things that should have faded as if they happened yesterday. It was, is, disconcerting… Now I understand what you meant when you would occasionally complain about your skill, and why the shadows who obtained it went insane from the experience…”
She trailed off and we sat in silence. There were a few things to be said about what her breakdown had revealed, but for now, it would be best to hold my tongue. Jacqueline needed some time to cool her head, and pressing the issue immediately would not be good for what I needed to accomplish here today.
After a few minutes, she finally began speaking again. Haltingly, but slowly gaining confidence as she went on.
“My own… recruitment, was a messy affair… My family was poor, so we didn’t have much… we didn’t have much space, since we were so close always, my older sister, she got caught up in things. Instead of replacing me with, one of those things. They just killed off my family, and nobody cared.”
“How do you know nobody cared?” It was a struggle to keep my voice calm when she revealed what she had remembered to me. I wanted very much to let my anger at Five and the shadows out in my tone, but that wouldn’t help things.
“Because I checked. The past few months have been… well, there wasn’t much for me to do, so I asked after Lord Gustav, and he agreed to have it looked into for me, as a favor to you… My apologies, for using your name without permission, Lady Stahlia.”
That statement was promptly and succinctly waved off. Had I been awake, it was a request that would have been granted without question. Her acting on her own here was entirely permissible.
“Pay that no mind, what did you learn?”
“…There was not even an investigation. It was not like their bodies were hidden in anyway, rather they were simply left to rot. We were so poor that when my family turned up dead, nobody bothered to look into the cause.”
“I’m… sorry to hear that. Are you sure it was not because of the Order putting pressure on the authorities?”
Jacqueline merely shook her head.
Again, the two of us fell into silence for a time. After waiting to see if she would continue and receiving no further comments, I got up and moved to one of the counters. Jacqueline made no move to follow me with her eyes, seemingly lost in some memory or simply content to think of nothing at all while staring off into space.
A quick ruffle through the cabinet revealed a stock tea kettle and some decent, though not luxurious, leaves. Even though this was only a servant’s room it still came equipped with a magic-powered water faucet so filling the kettle was easy.
Right, deep breaths.
It might have been better to chant the [Boil Water] spell, but given the present state of my status sheet, using anything that stemmed from the system was a mildly frightening prospect. Especially given how my corrupted [Eidetic Memory] had tossed me into a flashback, forcing me to relive character creation. There was also the fact that I needed to practice controlling my mana again, so that I didn’t break anything by using too much too quickly.
The first try instantly boiled off all of the water, creating a puff of steam that caused my guard knights to start. Thankfully, it was a potential outcome that was easily predicted, so the top of the kettle had been left open. If I hadn’t done that, then there may have been a more violent steam explosion.
Jacqueline showed no reaction to this occurrence though, a fact that was a bit concerning. Once my knights had been reassured that there was no danger, it was time to try again. Once again, the water flash steamed and left the kettle dry. The third time though, I managed to only evaporate half the water. The other half was left at a raging boil, which calmed to a more reasonable level after adding cold water to refill.
Adding the leaves, it was time to wait for them to properly steep. To aid this along, the kettle gently shook as I moved it around in tiny circles. Once the water was dyed a rich dark color and began to emit a pungent odor, it was time to pour.
Two cups and saucers were placed at the table, “Would you please wheel her over here?”
The knight gave a start at my request but followed the order. Once Jacqueline had been moved to her place, I pulled my chair around so it was next to her. In retrospect, I was not exhibiting the disposition required of my station, making the tea myself and caring for a maid to such an extent. Not that that would bother me at all, the knights would just have to deal with it.
Carefully pouring the brew out into the two cups, my hand reached out and clasped Jacqueline’s. When she felt the handle of her cup she instinctively gripped it firmly, much to my relief. I sat back in my chair to wait for any change in her demeanor while gripping my own cup firmly in hand.
As she looked into the cup, as though trying to locate the meaning to life or some other philosophical question of great importance, light and color slowly returned to her eyes and cheeks. It took her a few minutes longer before she slowly began to lift the cup. Once it was being held below her nose, she paused and inhaled the smell of the tea leaves, a small smile starting at the corner of her lips and spreading out as she did so.
Satisfied, I went to take a sip of my own tea, and immediately gagged as the foul liquid hit my tongue.
What the hell!? The leaves might have been poorer quality than I’ve grown used to, but that doesn’t explain how it tastes so completely awful! What the hell!?
Before any solution came to me, Jacqueline began to move the rim of her cup towards her own mouth.
Oh shit! That isn’t good!
“Jacqueline, wait,”
My warning came too late though, and I watched in horror as she took a sip of the biologically hazardous substance I had endeavored to poison her with. A long moment passed as she rolled the liquid around in her mouth before swallowing. The whole time, her expression remained neutral.
“Lady Stahlia, thank you for the thought but in the future, please allow me to brew any tea you wish to have.”
“…I tried to warn you.”
“Indeed.”
It seemed that she had returned somewhat to her earlier disposition, but that was unacceptable.
“Jacqueline, I don’t want you to make the tea. I wanted to make it, for you. It’s my fault that things turned out the way they did, and I’m working to fix it, but I don’t know when that will happen. Until then, let me help you? Even if you think I should let you go, let me look out for you for a change.”
She looked at me in mild surprise, but I ignored it and pressed on.
“You have always been there for me, look where that got you. Now, it’s my turn to be there for you, ok? Don’t act like my servant. Let me make the tea, let me make sure you have everything you need, and let me be the one for you to lean on when things are hard.”
“That’s… I do not think that,”
“No buts. I do not want to make it an order, but I will if you make me.”
Thankfully, after a moment Jacqueline relented. Smiling wanly, she agreed though with a condition of her own.
“If you insist, just… allow me to re-teach you how to brew tea, and please do not go out of your way.”
“I can accept that… Thank you, Jacqueline.”
The first request was easy enough to follow; not to toot my own horn, but once long ago my tea-making ability had been quite good. Apparently, having lost the benefit of my perfect memory, and having spent the past several years with everything being done for me had caused my non-system skills to rust.
The second request was also a no-brainer. Obviously, it would be impossible for me to personally care for Jacqueline every day the way she had for me. My obligations were numerous and would only continue to grow. Still, I could ensure that she had the help she needed until things had been fixed. Now that we had reached an accord, and Jacqueline was somewhat dragged out of her shell though, it was time to make sure she didn’t retreat back into it.
Setting aside the awful not-tea, I asked her a question that had been nagging at the back of my mind since first coming to learn of the subject, “Jacqueline, what exactly have you told Rosial about me?”
My former maid nodded, “Right, the young lady was curious about your past. About things that had happened after she was taken. At least, I think that is the case… she is still quite confused, even so many months later.”
On a hunch, I quickly cut in with another question, “That sounds like a pretty heavy topic, are you sure that the only reason you spoke with her about it was that she reminded you of yourself?”
Jacqueline paused in thought, then slowly shook her head.
“No… I was quite distraught when I woke up and was told you were in a coma again. I knew what was happening, but part of me… I was afraid you wouldn’t wake up at all, and that it would be the result of my own failure…”
She caught my eyebrows, raised in mild irritation that she was still blaming herself.
“I was afraid that I would be left alone, right after being given back my past. That, those memories, reminded me of what I used to have with my own sister. I think, that I saw the two of us in you and Lady Rosial.”
Thought it might be something like that.
“Well, from what I hear, those stories have been helping Rosial hold on to what she has left…”
My voice trailed off as thoughts of my sister drifted through my head.
“You haven’t seen her yet, have you? You should go, I can wait.”
“No, this is fine. I don’t… I’m still not even sure what I will say when I see her… It might be pathetic, but in a way, I suppose I am using you to run away from that, even if it is inevitable.” As I spoke, I shook my head sadly.
Jacqueline raised an eyebrow, “Is that not exactly the kind of thing you just told me not to dwell on?”
She had a point, annoyingly enough; I was more or less forcing her to move on, while at the same time running away myself. There was one small difference though.
“Perhaps, but I will be seeing her today… and the last time I saw her, I… killed her.”
Saying that made it feel like a weight I didn’t even know was there had been lifted off my shoulders. It was liberating to say out loud to someone else. Jacqueline nodded slowly.
“I heard about that when they were telling me what happened… I can imagine what that must be like, but you know? Rosial doesn’t seem to mind.”
Now that was interesting.
“What do you mean, she doesn’t seem to mind?”
Jacqueline reached out to the tea kettle and slid it towards me, “Could, could you empty this?”
From her tone, it sounded like the idea of asking me to do something was uncomfortable, but she would just have to get used to it.
“Yes, allow me.”
I took the kettle over to the sink and emptied it out then, at Jacqueline’s next request, refilled it and brought it back to the table. Plucking up some of the leaves from earlier, she began to walk me through the process of brewing the tea, from the start. As we worked, she told me a bit about Rosial.
“As I was saying, I do not think that she hates you for killing her, as strange as that sounds. Honestly, I am a bit unsure if she even understands that she died in the first place, she knows what death is, of course. But the way she tells the story, all you did was cut her and put her to sleep; when she woke up, the wound was gone…”
The kettle was now singing loudly, so Jacqueline paused herself and swiftly removed the lid before adding the leaves while I watched on. Covering the lid, she left the kettle to sit and continued,
“Frankly, it is a bit concerning the way she views the whole thing; in her own words, ‘my sister’s stab was beautiful.’ The way she talks, its like she’s gone a bit mad already. Not surprising, given what she must have been through…”
Jacqueline’s eyes grew distant again, it was clear she had become lost in memory once more. I could of course pull her out of it, but that probably wouldn’t be the best thing for me to do. The better course of action would be to simply let her reminisce, as long as she did not become completely lost in the past.
A minute later she was back and took the lid of the kettle. Straining out the leaves, she poured two cups and passed one to me, “What do you think you did wrong?”
After taking a sip of the offered tea, it seemed to dance over my tongue. My own had been positively vile, but what Jacqueline had produced had a rich, silky flavor. After considering for a bit, my conclusion was that,
“Was it because I made it too quickly? I was stirring it to make the steeping go faster…”
Jacqueline nodded, “That’s partially right. You also used magic to heat the water, that’s going to change the flavor of the water a bit… Not usually enough to notice, but it looked like you were having trouble regulating your mana?”
“You were watching!”
Jacqueline responded to my indignant retort with a small, sad smile, “Of course, I was trained to always be conscious of everything around me… just another example of how I failed after you helped me. There is no excuse for how removed and withdrawn I became.”
“Knock it off, I have already told you that you did nothing wrong, so stop apologizing to me.”
It would take time for Jacqueline to come to terms with that; her training coupled with the way I myself had acted towards her made it so that these scars ran deep. But I would stick things out, for as long as I had to.
“…Of course.”
“Jacqueline, It is my fault that things turned out the way they did. Well, going back I probably would have made all the same choices, given the information I had at the time, but that does not change the fact that things wound up in such a state because of me. I want to fix that. So please bear with me?”
Jacqueline paused, then smiled ruefully, “Honestly, if I did not already know, I would wonder which of us was older. Thank you, Stahlia.”
Her response made me happier than anything else she could have said. The fact that she left of my title was a tacit agreement that she would allow me to look after her until things had been fixed. Then, the reference to our ages and wondering who was older was a reaffirmation of our trust.
It was a sure thing that not all of her resistance had been overcome, but she was willing to try. That alone meant more to me than anything, and as I prepared myself to go to my next meeting somehow I knew that it would work out.
Damnit, even when I’m helping you, you still wound up helping me!
At Jacqueline’s call, my group entered her room. It was nice, though less decorated than the ones being used by Edith and myself. Understandable of course, and not really worth noting. Jacqueline was sitting in a chair that had a pair of wheels and an axel bolted onto it. Unlike a modern wheelchair, this one was clearly an ordinary chair at first with the wheels being added on after.
Crude, but it would work. Is there any reason they didn’t just make one? That wouldn’t be so hard.
“Jacqueline… How are you?”
Her head turned to face me. Her expression was sad, but lit up with a smile when she saw my concern.
“My lady, I am gladdened to see you have recovered.”
Nope, not allowing that.
Arms crossed, I raised myself up to my new full height and tilted my head to look down at her.
“Jacqueline, how are you? Be honest.”
Perhaps it had something to do with the reversal of our positions; I had always been the mistress and she the servant, but this was the first time I was actually looking down on her from a higher position without need of a boost. Even if it was because she was seated.
Jacqueline’s smile fell off and her shoulders slumped looking down and away from me she mumbled, barely audible, “I failed. I failed and have become useless.”
Without changing my posture, I waited for her to continue.
“…My lady, you gave me back my past. Instead of thanking you, I failed to protect you. More than that, before abandoning you I besmirched your name. I am unfitting to call myself your vassal, you should leave me and continue moving forward.”
Has she been wallowing in this self-pity the whole time I was asleep? Blaming herself? I am the one who has been constantly betraying her trust. Using her. Running around recklessly and forcing her to clean up the mess.
When it seemed like she was done speaking for the moment, I unfolded my arms and pulled a chair over from the side table so that my eyes could meet her own on even ground.
“You moron.”
Jacqueline’s eyes widened at my statement; it had clearly not been what she was expecting me to say. Unperturbed, my speech had only just begun.
“I do not want to hear talk like that from you. You have always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. Whenever I failed, you picked me up and covered for me. So what if you lost your arm? You never complained. Even if it made your work a struggle, you put in more effort and pressed on. Sure, losing your legs is different; no amount of effort would be enough to overcome this.”
Her face turned downcast, but I had merely spoken the truth.
“…But so what? So what if you can’t walk anymore? So what if you can’t fight? Why do you think for even a second that I would just get rid of you?”
Jacqueline’s eyes flashed, “That’s the problem, my lady. You should get rid of me. I can do nothing to help you as I am now, to hold on for my sake would be the height of folly.”
I crossed my arms and sat back in my chair while closing my eyes, “Jacqueline, what gives you the right to tell me that?”
“My lady, I mean no offense; I speak only the truth as I see it.”
“Then on top of your legs, you have also gone blind.”
Opening my eyes, I saw that Jacqueline had frozen. I pressed the attack.
“You have twice sworn yourself to my service. Twice I have betrayed that oath, yet still, you call me your lady. In the future I will need to abandon people, people will live and die by my words and actions… People already have.”
Asten, Kurtis, Dent, Adam.
“Don’t tell me I should leave you now. I already know that would be the smarter thing to do. I don’t care.”
She looked like she was about to protest something, but a wave of my hand silenced whatever it was.
“Besides, I was told what you did for my sister. Why would you do that, if you claim to have failed me, and think I should cast you aside?”
“...Because, she reminded me of myself…”
Jacqueline’s voice was small as she spoke, but I picked up on it clearly.
“Because of what happened? The memories you recovered when I removed the worm?”
“…Yes. I, I remembered everything. My old life, before my own Dedication. It was… I remember things that should have faded as if they happened yesterday. It was, is, disconcerting… Now I understand what you meant when you would occasionally complain about your skill, and why the shadows who obtained it went insane from the experience…”
She trailed off and we sat in silence. There were a few things to be said about what her breakdown had revealed, but for now, it would be best to hold my tongue. Jacqueline needed some time to cool her head, and pressing the issue immediately would not be good for what I needed to accomplish here today.
After a few minutes, she finally began speaking again. Haltingly, but slowly gaining confidence as she went on.
“My own… recruitment, was a messy affair… My family was poor, so we didn’t have much… we didn’t have much space, since we were so close always, my older sister, she got caught up in things. Instead of replacing me with, one of those things. They just killed off my family, and nobody cared.”
“How do you know nobody cared?” It was a struggle to keep my voice calm when she revealed what she had remembered to me. I wanted very much to let my anger at Five and the shadows out in my tone, but that wouldn’t help things.
“Because I checked. The past few months have been… well, there wasn’t much for me to do, so I asked after Lord Gustav, and he agreed to have it looked into for me, as a favor to you… My apologies, for using your name without permission, Lady Stahlia.”
That statement was promptly and succinctly waved off. Had I been awake, it was a request that would have been granted without question. Her acting on her own here was entirely permissible.
“Pay that no mind, what did you learn?”
“…There was not even an investigation. It was not like their bodies were hidden in anyway, rather they were simply left to rot. We were so poor that when my family turned up dead, nobody bothered to look into the cause.”
“I’m… sorry to hear that. Are you sure it was not because of the Order putting pressure on the authorities?”
Jacqueline merely shook her head.
Again, the two of us fell into silence for a time. After waiting to see if she would continue and receiving no further comments, I got up and moved to one of the counters. Jacqueline made no move to follow me with her eyes, seemingly lost in some memory or simply content to think of nothing at all while staring off into space.
A quick ruffle through the cabinet revealed a stock tea kettle and some decent, though not luxurious, leaves. Even though this was only a servant’s room it still came equipped with a magic-powered water faucet so filling the kettle was easy.
Right, deep breaths.
It might have been better to chant the [Boil Water] spell, but given the present state of my status sheet, using anything that stemmed from the system was a mildly frightening prospect. Especially given how my corrupted [Eidetic Memory] had tossed me into a flashback, forcing me to relive character creation. There was also the fact that I needed to practice controlling my mana again, so that I didn’t break anything by using too much too quickly.
The first try instantly boiled off all of the water, creating a puff of steam that caused my guard knights to start. Thankfully, it was a potential outcome that was easily predicted, so the top of the kettle had been left open. If I hadn’t done that, then there may have been a more violent steam explosion.
Jacqueline showed no reaction to this occurrence though, a fact that was a bit concerning. Once my knights had been reassured that there was no danger, it was time to try again. Once again, the water flash steamed and left the kettle dry. The third time though, I managed to only evaporate half the water. The other half was left at a raging boil, which calmed to a more reasonable level after adding cold water to refill.
Adding the leaves, it was time to wait for them to properly steep. To aid this along, the kettle gently shook as I moved it around in tiny circles. Once the water was dyed a rich dark color and began to emit a pungent odor, it was time to pour.
Two cups and saucers were placed at the table, “Would you please wheel her over here?”
The knight gave a start at my request but followed the order. Once Jacqueline had been moved to her place, I pulled my chair around so it was next to her. In retrospect, I was not exhibiting the disposition required of my station, making the tea myself and caring for a maid to such an extent. Not that that would bother me at all, the knights would just have to deal with it.
Carefully pouring the brew out into the two cups, my hand reached out and clasped Jacqueline’s. When she felt the handle of her cup she instinctively gripped it firmly, much to my relief. I sat back in my chair to wait for any change in her demeanor while gripping my own cup firmly in hand.
As she looked into the cup, as though trying to locate the meaning to life or some other philosophical question of great importance, light and color slowly returned to her eyes and cheeks. It took her a few minutes longer before she slowly began to lift the cup. Once it was being held below her nose, she paused and inhaled the smell of the tea leaves, a small smile starting at the corner of her lips and spreading out as she did so.
Satisfied, I went to take a sip of my own tea, and immediately gagged as the foul liquid hit my tongue.
What the hell!? The leaves might have been poorer quality than I’ve grown used to, but that doesn’t explain how it tastes so completely awful! What the hell!?
Before any solution came to me, Jacqueline began to move the rim of her cup towards her own mouth.
Oh shit! That isn’t good!
“Jacqueline, wait,”
My warning came too late though, and I watched in horror as she took a sip of the biologically hazardous substance I had endeavored to poison her with. A long moment passed as she rolled the liquid around in her mouth before swallowing. The whole time, her expression remained neutral.
“Lady Stahlia, thank you for the thought but in the future, please allow me to brew any tea you wish to have.”
“…I tried to warn you.”
“Indeed.”
It seemed that she had returned somewhat to her earlier disposition, but that was unacceptable.
“Jacqueline, I don’t want you to make the tea. I wanted to make it, for you. It’s my fault that things turned out the way they did, and I’m working to fix it, but I don’t know when that will happen. Until then, let me help you? Even if you think I should let you go, let me look out for you for a change.”
She looked at me in mild surprise, but I ignored it and pressed on.
“You have always been there for me, look where that got you. Now, it’s my turn to be there for you, ok? Don’t act like my servant. Let me make the tea, let me make sure you have everything you need, and let me be the one for you to lean on when things are hard.”
“That’s… I do not think that,”
“No buts. I do not want to make it an order, but I will if you make me.”
Thankfully, after a moment Jacqueline relented. Smiling wanly, she agreed though with a condition of her own.
“If you insist, just… allow me to re-teach you how to brew tea, and please do not go out of your way.”
“I can accept that… Thank you, Jacqueline.”
The first request was easy enough to follow; not to toot my own horn, but once long ago my tea-making ability had been quite good. Apparently, having lost the benefit of my perfect memory, and having spent the past several years with everything being done for me had caused my non-system skills to rust.
The second request was also a no-brainer. Obviously, it would be impossible for me to personally care for Jacqueline every day the way she had for me. My obligations were numerous and would only continue to grow. Still, I could ensure that she had the help she needed until things had been fixed. Now that we had reached an accord, and Jacqueline was somewhat dragged out of her shell though, it was time to make sure she didn’t retreat back into it.
Setting aside the awful not-tea, I asked her a question that had been nagging at the back of my mind since first coming to learn of the subject, “Jacqueline, what exactly have you told Rosial about me?”
My former maid nodded, “Right, the young lady was curious about your past. About things that had happened after she was taken. At least, I think that is the case… she is still quite confused, even so many months later.”
On a hunch, I quickly cut in with another question, “That sounds like a pretty heavy topic, are you sure that the only reason you spoke with her about it was that she reminded you of yourself?”
Jacqueline paused in thought, then slowly shook her head.
“No… I was quite distraught when I woke up and was told you were in a coma again. I knew what was happening, but part of me… I was afraid you wouldn’t wake up at all, and that it would be the result of my own failure…”
She caught my eyebrows, raised in mild irritation that she was still blaming herself.
“I was afraid that I would be left alone, right after being given back my past. That, those memories, reminded me of what I used to have with my own sister. I think, that I saw the two of us in you and Lady Rosial.”
Thought it might be something like that.
“Well, from what I hear, those stories have been helping Rosial hold on to what she has left…”
My voice trailed off as thoughts of my sister drifted through my head.
“You haven’t seen her yet, have you? You should go, I can wait.”
“No, this is fine. I don’t… I’m still not even sure what I will say when I see her… It might be pathetic, but in a way, I suppose I am using you to run away from that, even if it is inevitable.” As I spoke, I shook my head sadly.
Jacqueline raised an eyebrow, “Is that not exactly the kind of thing you just told me not to dwell on?”
She had a point, annoyingly enough; I was more or less forcing her to move on, while at the same time running away myself. There was one small difference though.
“Perhaps, but I will be seeing her today… and the last time I saw her, I… killed her.”
Saying that made it feel like a weight I didn’t even know was there had been lifted off my shoulders. It was liberating to say out loud to someone else. Jacqueline nodded slowly.
“I heard about that when they were telling me what happened… I can imagine what that must be like, but you know? Rosial doesn’t seem to mind.”
Now that was interesting.
“What do you mean, she doesn’t seem to mind?”
Jacqueline reached out to the tea kettle and slid it towards me, “Could, could you empty this?”
From her tone, it sounded like the idea of asking me to do something was uncomfortable, but she would just have to get used to it.
“Yes, allow me.”
I took the kettle over to the sink and emptied it out then, at Jacqueline’s next request, refilled it and brought it back to the table. Plucking up some of the leaves from earlier, she began to walk me through the process of brewing the tea, from the start. As we worked, she told me a bit about Rosial.
“As I was saying, I do not think that she hates you for killing her, as strange as that sounds. Honestly, I am a bit unsure if she even understands that she died in the first place, she knows what death is, of course. But the way she tells the story, all you did was cut her and put her to sleep; when she woke up, the wound was gone…”
The kettle was now singing loudly, so Jacqueline paused herself and swiftly removed the lid before adding the leaves while I watched on. Covering the lid, she left the kettle to sit and continued,
“Frankly, it is a bit concerning the way she views the whole thing; in her own words, ‘my sister’s stab was beautiful.’ The way she talks, its like she’s gone a bit mad already. Not surprising, given what she must have been through…”
Jacqueline’s eyes grew distant again, it was clear she had become lost in memory once more. I could of course pull her out of it, but that probably wouldn’t be the best thing for me to do. The better course of action would be to simply let her reminisce, as long as she did not become completely lost in the past.
A minute later she was back and took the lid of the kettle. Straining out the leaves, she poured two cups and passed one to me, “What do you think you did wrong?”
After taking a sip of the offered tea, it seemed to dance over my tongue. My own had been positively vile, but what Jacqueline had produced had a rich, silky flavor. After considering for a bit, my conclusion was that,
“Was it because I made it too quickly? I was stirring it to make the steeping go faster…”
Jacqueline nodded, “That’s partially right. You also used magic to heat the water, that’s going to change the flavor of the water a bit… Not usually enough to notice, but it looked like you were having trouble regulating your mana?”
“You were watching!”
Jacqueline responded to my indignant retort with a small, sad smile, “Of course, I was trained to always be conscious of everything around me… just another example of how I failed after you helped me. There is no excuse for how removed and withdrawn I became.”
“Knock it off, I have already told you that you did nothing wrong, so stop apologizing to me.”
It would take time for Jacqueline to come to terms with that; her training coupled with the way I myself had acted towards her made it so that these scars ran deep. But I would stick things out, for as long as I had to.
“…Of course.”
“Jacqueline, It is my fault that things turned out the way they did. Well, going back I probably would have made all the same choices, given the information I had at the time, but that does not change the fact that things wound up in such a state because of me. I want to fix that. So please bear with me?”
Jacqueline paused, then smiled ruefully, “Honestly, if I did not already know, I would wonder which of us was older. Thank you, Stahlia.”
Her response made me happier than anything else she could have said. The fact that she left of my title was a tacit agreement that she would allow me to look after her until things had been fixed. Then, the reference to our ages and wondering who was older was a reaffirmation of our trust.
It was a sure thing that not all of her resistance had been overcome, but she was willing to try. That alone meant more to me than anything, and as I prepared myself to go to my next meeting somehow I knew that it would work out.
Damnit, even when I’m helping you, you still wound up helping me!
