Chapter 30
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Screech-
The moment he stepped on the brakes, the black car stopped in a smooth straight line. Thud- Opening the car door, the figure of a man appeared from the passenger seat. As he approached the driver’s seat slowly, carrying a camera bag, another person appeared as the black tinted car window went down. With his waist slightly bent, the other became angry the moment he made eye contact.
“Did you really have to go this morning?”
“That’s why I said I could go alone.”
He was annoyed with Ha Joyoon for wanting to leave the officetel as soon as he woke up. The accumulated displeasure from the morning erupted without a filter.
“I’d hate to be someone who doesn’t know wrong from right.”
“Sunbae-nim, you don’t have to pay that much attention to me.”
Shin Kwonjoo didn’t seem to like Ha Joyoon’s answer, his eyes becoming two times colder than usual. It was clear that he had touched a nerve.
“Then stop staggering in front of me. I thought you were doing it for me to see.”
Ha Joyoon deeply sighed at the other’s provoking words.
“Both my knee and cruciate ligament were torn when I was in the army, so I can’t really walk well. It’s not exactly because of the accident and I’m not doing it for you to see.”
“Are you proud that you got discharged from the army because you had a broken leg?”
“That’s not what I said.”
For some reason, Ha Joyoon stared at the other’s reaction and smiled quietly. He remembered what Shin Kwonjoo had told him only a few months ago. Something about compassion or sympathy. At the time, he thought it was a word that didn’t suit him, but now that he thought about it, he felt like he could make a slightly different judgment.
For the first time, he thought that maybe this cold man might really sympathize with him and feel bad for him. It was a phenomenal change compared to when they first met. Of course, Ha Joyoon chose to not say a word because it was clear that it would be pointless to do so.
While he was lost in thought, the man came out of the car and took out a cigarette out of habit. Click– Along with the sound of the lighter, came a haze of smoke.
“Sunbae-nim.”
Shin Kwonjoo, who was leaning on the car and thinking deeply about something, glanced towards him.
“Are you usually this nice to your partners?”
“…What?”
His sharp eyes looked bewildered. The cigarette between his lips swayed precariously. At his frozen reaction, Ha Joyoon thought briefly and carefully brought up the words he had kept in mind for a while.
“I feel like they might take it the wrong way if you’re too nice.”
“What are you…” Ha Joyoon hurriedly waved his hands before Shin Kwonjoo could protest.
“Oh, I’m not taking it the wrong way or anything. Plus, I understand what you said before.”
His sharp eyebrows were pulled back like a taut bow. The man who had wanted to say something, soon closed his mouth and nodded slightly.
“I’m glad to hear that. I don’t know when you started to feel that way, but I’ve never treated my partners badly. “
It was the usual dull tone, but the overall atmosphere became colder than before. With a look of displeasure, he stubbed the half-smoked cigarette with his foot and quickly went back into the car.
“Have a safe trip back.”
“Yeah.”
The moment he took a step forward looking in, the tinted car window went up with a mechanical sound. At the same time, the image of the person he was talking to until a while ago, was blocked by black walls and had disappeared without a trace. Soon enough, the car slowly began to move, the sound of the roaring engine following after it.
“…”
Llr ujhf kjr vlrajca jr tf kjr ibbxlcu ja atf wbnlcu mjg. Ktf mbibgr bo fwbalbcr fwyfvvfv lc tlr ygbkc lglrfr, rmjaafgfv ilxf ogjuwfcar bo fjgatfckjgf.
Lf mbeivc’a ifa la ub jcs oegatfg.
Lj Absbbc tfiv bcab tlr yju alutafg, gfmlalcu kbgvr ab jc ecxcbkc ilrafcfg. C wfwbgs bo ktfc tf olgra jmmfqafv atf reuufralbc bo yflcu rfz qjgacfgr, mjwf ab wlcv.
‘We just need to have and follow a few rules well.’
‘It’s nothing difficult.’
Don’t get emotionally involved or concern ourselves with each other’s private lives. If at some point, someone wishes to stop or gets feelings mixed in, the relationship will come to an end immediately. Do the very best to show civility following the rules.
He recalled Shin Kwonjoo saying the words, like they were a stipulated clause. He was diligently doing as he said. To not invade each other’s territory but to be kind and considerate in his own way during their relationship.
Ha Joyoon feebly smiled at the not-so-funny memory, and continued moving with heavy steps towards the direction of his house. His exhausted body was about to collapse due to strain, and he felt like he would be knocked out the moment he laid his head down somewhere.
His body, which had been asleep for a long time, was unable to return to its past state, and he felt out of breath even though he had only walked for a short while. This is because he overworked his body without proper rehabilitation. He knew it was silly. He kept repeating the process of taking a few steps, resting for a moment, taking another few steps and resting once more.
“Yoon-ah!”
At the familiar sound of his name being called, he smiled and turned around. And immediately froze in his spot at the scene his eyes took in. The reason was the person he saw standing next to his mother as she waved at him with a happy expression.
…Coincidences were indeed cruel. The time he had desperately wished for it, he was never given a single chance, but now that he had accepted it and promised to forget, it had come to him. Had it not been a few months? Looking at Kim Taejung’s shadow against streaks of sunlight, he remembered the last time he saw him. At the time, they spoke with warm breaths that accompanied a hot summer night, and now it was late autumn when fallen leaves were flying around endlessly.
Ha Joyoon never once caught sight of Kim Taejung after the breakup, to the point where he considered their time together to be a lie. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say Kim Taejung completely disappeared from his life like he never existed in the first place.
“Are you just coming in now?”
A middle-aged woman with her shopping basket approached and asked. The person coming with her also walked slowly and stopped at a certain distance.
“Yes.”
Replying bluntly, Ha Joyoon collected the things in her hand. His mother, whose hands felt light in an instant, smiled more brightly and patted her son on the back.
“Why do you stay out so often these days, son?”
“I’m sorry. Did you go grocery shopping?”
“Yes, I had to go to the market to make my son something delicious for dinner.”
Her harsh voice was melted by the affection that could not be hidden. Ha Joyoon bowed his head, listening to his mother’s worried complaints, and turned his gaze behind him when he felt a presence. He understood the strange relativity of time since Kim Taejung felt more distant and unfamiliar since the summer night he last saw him compared to the 5 years he didn’t.
“By the way, Yoon-ah. I met Taejung on the way back. It’s been months since we last saw him.”
Only then did the woman hurry to grab her son’s arm and turn half way as she remembered the person she came with. Kang Taejung, who was one step away with both hands full of grocery bags, was dragged helplessly to face the other. He had an indiscernible expression on his face.
“…”
“…”
There was a long silence that seemed to go on for eternity. His heavy eyelids gradually fell and eventually became fixed on the floor covered in dust.
His right cheek, where he had gotten slapped by him, suddenly felt sore. His thin cheek slightly twitched. He knew that the other’s gaze was on him but Ha Joyoon barely raised his head again. The woman eventually sensed the odd air within the continuous silence and grabbed her son’s arm and lightly shook it.
“Why are you both so awkward? Did you two fight?”
“…”
“Mother…”
One answered with silence and the other with a call of disapproval. Hyesun somewhat understood the situation now and she looked up at her son again. She could feel the obvious depression behind his indifferent and expressionless face. She then recalled her son’s sudden withdrawal and depression in late summer. “Oh goodness,” The sigh of surprise left her lips.
“What would you need to fight about? It’s not like you’ve only known each other for a few years…”
Hyesun blamed her son as his expression completely hardened. Ha Joyoon’s fine brows frowned for a moment, but her words continued smoothly and without hesitation.
“Yoon-ah, are you upset with Taejung? Still, you shouldn’t quarrel with him… Taejung really had a hard time when you were gone. He even put his company work behind and only looked for you. It would be a big problem if you just let your relationship stay this way. Plus, I would feel like I’ve lost my other son.”
“…Mother, I…”
She continued to talk, stopping Kang Taejung, who tried to approach her with a bewildered expression.
“Everyone in our family, I, your dad and Junghye, are grateful to Taejung. When I thought something had gone wrong with you but couldn’t do anything, Taejung ran around and tried to get help somehow. He even went looking for your school seniors and work colleagues.”
The feeling of hearing his lover’s deeds from a third party during his period of unconsciousness was indescribably weird. Time he couldn’t turn back to or be compensated for. The guilt that had vaguely covered up opened its ugly mouth again. He wasn’t the only one broken and lost. Kang Taejung was also the same. They had the same size of wound on both sides. Ha Joyoon managed to finally open his mouth, trying to hold on to his distant heart.
“Mom.”
At the gloomy voice, Hyesun held onto her son’s hand. It was warm weather, but the hands holding each other were cold and stiff like ice. Recently, when she thought of her child who had become emaciated and could barely eat properly, her upset heart rose like a bonfire.
“Let’s go in, mom.”
“Why are you being like this? Taejung is here.”
“Alright, I’ll do it by myself.”
Although his mood had improved a little recently, it was heartbreaking for parents to see their helplessly depressed children. He would leave his favorite picture behind and stay confined in his room and even when he came out, she worried about his well being when he stayed up all night for days at work, overworking himself. Maybe if they made up, he would feel a little better. It was simply common sense to think that way.
“If you hold any grudges with each other, just talk it out. Alright?”
Ha Joyoon silently hung his head in response to her gentle tap on the back of his hand.
“I’ll go in first. Make sure to talk about it. Taejung-ah, let’s have you eat dinner at our house, okay?”
“Okay, mother. Please go in first.”
He answered with a shy smile, afraid he’d cause more concern. Laughing with a dimple on only one cheek was one of Kang Taejung’s habits to overcome a difficult situation. Just by looking at his expression, you could obviously see he was thinking and how he really felt.
Shortly after his mother entered the house, Ha Joyoon took a heavy step forward. It made the physical distance become closer, but neither of them looked the other in his eyes. In just a few months, there was an awkward air between them that made it seem like hundreds of years had passed.
“Don’t listen… to what my mom said.”
The first one to speak was Ha Joyoon. He heard the sound of the person in front of him moving and felt a gaze on him. It was quite sad that they could know each other’s actions without having to actually check, Ha Joyoon smiled a little as it felt like he could see him. But he couldn’t bear to raise his head since he was still not confident enough to meet his gaze.
“You can come for dinner when I’m not home next time. I usually come home late at night and rarely on weekends, so you can check with my sister. My parents, however, are really grateful to you and want to see you. I might be uncomfortable with it but my parents don’t feel that way…”
“…”
“Give them a call next time.”
Just because a relationship between lovers ended, doesn’t mean all the human relationships steadily built over the years had to as well. Even if he didn’t want to think about him, if there was someone around who did, he would suddenly flash into his mind during a normal conversation. Such defenseless attacks like those were usually more bitter and painful.
How does everything end when love ends…?
Ha Joyoon turned his back again, rubbing at the scar of parting without realizing. He didn’t expect a conversation anyway, so he thought he wouldn’t be shocked by the other’s silence, but his heart that had been shattered to dust strangely hurt. He closed his eyes tightly, covering his mouth with his palm as he felt an unbearable urge to puke.
“Yoon-ah.”
He hadn’t walked too far before a voice called for him, putting a stop to his steps. The autumn wind blew coolly. Ha Joyoon stopped walking for a moment and turned his eyes, which swept his disorganized hair along the direction of the wind. Under a sky that seemed to have moved the blue sea to the heavens, his empty mind shook dangerously like fallen leaves.
“Do you feel any better?”
Concerned worries came out of Kang Taejung’s mouth. He had no time to be thrilled by the cheap sympathy. If there had been a mirror at that moment, Ha Joyoon would have had to fight the intense urge to smash everything into pieces. He felt like he was going to show his messed up and distorted face. He had never wanted to show Kang Taejung his ugly self.
Ha Joyoon couldn’t find anything to reply with and answered by covering his eyes with his palm. The cheeks hidden between them twitched. Whether hate or love, it was difficult for him to tell what he was feeling now.
Step step–
When he heard the sound of footsteps slowly become closer, his entire body became as rigid as a fossil. When the tormenting sound stopped, a brutally sweet voice ripped through his ears and dug into his brain.
“Do you go to the hospital regularly?”
“…”
“Is your rehabilitati…”
“Taejung-ah.”
Ha Joyoon called his ex’s name in a faint yet serious voice. Fortunately, his dried tear glands due to his exhaustion of emotions didn’t make Ha Joyoon look miserable in front of him, but it was painful and difficult enough to put the name into words.
It was a very small voice, but Kang Taejung stopped talking and waited for Ha Joyoon’s answer. It was a slower tempo than others, as they both had a conversation habit of giving enough time to speak and listen. His clenched hand trembled to the point where it hurt. Ha Joyoon replied in a trembling voice, barely squeezing out the little courage he had left.
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
“…Yoon-ah.”
“Plus, I don’t think I… I don’t think I can talk with you yet. I’m too…”
Irregular breathing followed. He grabbed at the suffocating feeling in his chest a few times, which soon stopped, and then he lowered his eyes to the floor again. The achromatic asphalt road was laughing at his weakness, announcing the cool afternoon.
“I said and did something shameful to you before… I don’t think I can look at you properly now. It’ll get better as time goes on. Still, it has nothing to do with my parents… You can go see them when you wish to. Don’t worry about me.”
The sun-drenched clouds slowly drifted through the sky. The suffocating heat was long over. Under the brilliantly broken blue sky was only silence that became as awkward as the streets that were opened without hesitation. This seemed to be the result of the relationship between him and Taejung, the taste of it at the tip of his tongue was bitter.
After finishing what he had to say to some extent, Ha Joyoon turned away from the other who no longer had a reply. The day was going to be a long one. Today, he had to find something to avoid the pain and immerse himself in to overcome the thoughts that lengthened, suppressing his mind. Just as he was about to take a step to his home.
“Yoon-ah.”
“…”
I don’t want you to call me that. Your kindness with only traces left, is only in the past. The name you call is just a man already dead and buried in your past.
His lifeless eyes turned to Kang Taejung. With his neutral gaze which felt nothing, he could see Kang Taejung’s movement trying to catch him, also stop.
“Back then…”
Months later, his sweet voice was still difficult to handle. Kang Taejung tried to finish his sentence, mouth opening several times, but he soon closed his mouth again. As if nothing had happened from the beginning.
Ha Joyoon also didn’t ask anymore because his mental state was not stable enough to resume the conversation by asking till the end. He no longer felt confident to see Kang Taenung’s remorseful face towards him. Not being able to make the other person happy was more painful than he imagined, and made him feel shabby.
He had thought he did his best when it came to love but was condemned for being selfish, self-destructive, and making his partner feel sick and lonely. Now there was nothing that could make him sure that it had been sincere and that he had done his best.
“I’ll leave.”
He turned completely with a faint goodbye. Opening the front door and entering the house, he could no longer hear a call for him. The expectation that he would catch up to him disappeared without a trace.
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Screech-
The moment he stepped on the brakes, the black car stopped in a smooth straight line. Thud- Opening the car door, the figure of a man appeared from the passenger seat. As he approached the driver’s seat slowly, carrying a camera bag, another person appeared as the black tinted car window went down. With his waist slightly bent, the other became angry the moment he made eye contact.
“Did you really have to go this morning?”
“That’s why I said I could go alone.”
He was annoyed with Ha Joyoon for wanting to leave the officetel as soon as he woke up. The accumulated displeasure from the morning erupted without a filter.
“I’d hate to be someone who doesn’t know wrong from right.”
“Sunbae-nim, you don’t have to pay that much attention to me.”
Shin Kwonjoo didn’t seem to like Ha Joyoon’s answer, his eyes becoming two times colder than usual. It was clear that he had touched a nerve.
“Then stop staggering in front of me. I thought you were doing it for me to see.”
Ha Joyoon deeply sighed at the other’s provoking words.
“Both my knee and cruciate ligament were torn when I was in the army, so I can’t really walk well. It’s not exactly because of the accident and I’m not doing it for you to see.”
“Are you proud that you got discharged from the army because you had a broken leg?”
“That’s not what I said.”
For some reason, Ha Joyoon stared at the other’s reaction and smiled quietly. He remembered what Shin Kwonjoo had told him only a few months ago. Something about compassion or sympathy. At the time, he thought it was a word that didn’t suit him, but now that he thought about it, he felt like he could make a slightly different judgment.
For the first time, he thought that maybe this cold man might really sympathize with him and feel bad for him. It was a phenomenal change compared to when they first met. Of course, Ha Joyoon chose to not say a word because it was clear that it would be pointless to do so.
While he was lost in thought, the man came out of the car and took out a cigarette out of habit. Click– Along with the sound of the lighter, came a haze of smoke.
“Sunbae-nim.”
Shin Kwonjoo, who was leaning on the car and thinking deeply about something, glanced towards him.
“Are you usually this nice to your partners?”
“…What?”
His sharp eyes looked bewildered. The cigarette between his lips swayed precariously. At his frozen reaction, Ha Joyoon thought briefly and carefully brought up the words he had kept in mind for a while.
“I feel like they might take it the wrong way if you’re too nice.”
“What are you…” Ha Joyoon hurriedly waved his hands before Shin Kwonjoo could protest.
“Oh, I’m not taking it the wrong way or anything. Plus, I understand what you said before.”
His sharp eyebrows were pulled back like a taut bow. The man who had wanted to say something, soon closed his mouth and nodded slightly.
“I’m glad to hear that. I don’t know when you started to feel that way, but I’ve never treated my partners badly. “
It was the usual dull tone, but the overall atmosphere became colder than before. With a look of displeasure, he stubbed the half-smoked cigarette with his foot and quickly went back into the car.
“Have a safe trip back.”
“Yeah.”
The moment he took a step forward looking in, the tinted car window went up with a mechanical sound. At the same time, the image of the person he was talking to until a while ago, was blocked by black walls and had disappeared without a trace. Soon enough, the car slowly began to move, the sound of the roaring engine following after it.
“…”
Llr ujhf kjr vlrajca jr tf kjr ibbxlcu ja atf wbnlcu mjg. Ktf mbibgr bo fwbalbcr fwyfvvfv lc tlr ygbkc lglrfr, rmjaafgfv ilxf ogjuwfcar bo fjgatfckjgf.
Lf mbeivc’a ifa la ub jcs oegatfg.
Lj Absbbc tfiv bcab tlr yju alutafg, gfmlalcu kbgvr ab jc ecxcbkc ilrafcfg. C wfwbgs bo ktfc tf olgra jmmfqafv atf reuufralbc bo yflcu rfz qjgacfgr, mjwf ab wlcv.
‘We just need to have and follow a few rules well.’
‘It’s nothing difficult.’
Don’t get emotionally involved or concern ourselves with each other’s private lives. If at some point, someone wishes to stop or gets feelings mixed in, the relationship will come to an end immediately. Do the very best to show civility following the rules.
He recalled Shin Kwonjoo saying the words, like they were a stipulated clause. He was diligently doing as he said. To not invade each other’s territory but to be kind and considerate in his own way during their relationship.
Ha Joyoon feebly smiled at the not-so-funny memory, and continued moving with heavy steps towards the direction of his house. His exhausted body was about to collapse due to strain, and he felt like he would be knocked out the moment he laid his head down somewhere.
His body, which had been asleep for a long time, was unable to return to its past state, and he felt out of breath even though he had only walked for a short while. This is because he overworked his body without proper rehabilitation. He knew it was silly. He kept repeating the process of taking a few steps, resting for a moment, taking another few steps and resting once more.
“Yoon-ah!”
At the familiar sound of his name being called, he smiled and turned around. And immediately froze in his spot at the scene his eyes took in. The reason was the person he saw standing next to his mother as she waved at him with a happy expression.
…Coincidences were indeed cruel. The time he had desperately wished for it, he was never given a single chance, but now that he had accepted it and promised to forget, it had come to him. Had it not been a few months? Looking at Kim Taejung’s shadow against streaks of sunlight, he remembered the last time he saw him. At the time, they spoke with warm breaths that accompanied a hot summer night, and now it was late autumn when fallen leaves were flying around endlessly.
Ha Joyoon never once caught sight of Kim Taejung after the breakup, to the point where he considered their time together to be a lie. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say Kim Taejung completely disappeared from his life like he never existed in the first place.
“Are you just coming in now?”
A middle-aged woman with her shopping basket approached and asked. The person coming with her also walked slowly and stopped at a certain distance.
“Yes.”
Replying bluntly, Ha Joyoon collected the things in her hand. His mother, whose hands felt light in an instant, smiled more brightly and patted her son on the back.
“Why do you stay out so often these days, son?”
“I’m sorry. Did you go grocery shopping?”
“Yes, I had to go to the market to make my son something delicious for dinner.”
Her harsh voice was melted by the affection that could not be hidden. Ha Joyoon bowed his head, listening to his mother’s worried complaints, and turned his gaze behind him when he felt a presence. He understood the strange relativity of time since Kim Taejung felt more distant and unfamiliar since the summer night he last saw him compared to the 5 years he didn’t.
“By the way, Yoon-ah. I met Taejung on the way back. It’s been months since we last saw him.”
Only then did the woman hurry to grab her son’s arm and turn half way as she remembered the person she came with. Kang Taejung, who was one step away with both hands full of grocery bags, was dragged helplessly to face the other. He had an indiscernible expression on his face.
“…”
“…”
There was a long silence that seemed to go on for eternity. His heavy eyelids gradually fell and eventually became fixed on the floor covered in dust.
His right cheek, where he had gotten slapped by him, suddenly felt sore. His thin cheek slightly twitched. He knew that the other’s gaze was on him but Ha Joyoon barely raised his head again. The woman eventually sensed the odd air within the continuous silence and grabbed her son’s arm and lightly shook it.
“Why are you both so awkward? Did you two fight?”
“…”
“Mother…”
One answered with silence and the other with a call of disapproval. Hyesun somewhat understood the situation now and she looked up at her son again. She could feel the obvious depression behind his indifferent and expressionless face. She then recalled her son’s sudden withdrawal and depression in late summer. “Oh goodness,” The sigh of surprise left her lips.
“What would you need to fight about? It’s not like you’ve only known each other for a few years…”
Hyesun blamed her son as his expression completely hardened. Ha Joyoon’s fine brows frowned for a moment, but her words continued smoothly and without hesitation.
“Yoon-ah, are you upset with Taejung? Still, you shouldn’t quarrel with him… Taejung really had a hard time when you were gone. He even put his company work behind and only looked for you. It would be a big problem if you just let your relationship stay this way. Plus, I would feel like I’ve lost my other son.”
“…Mother, I…”
She continued to talk, stopping Kang Taejung, who tried to approach her with a bewildered expression.
“Everyone in our family, I, your dad and Junghye, are grateful to Taejung. When I thought something had gone wrong with you but couldn’t do anything, Taejung ran around and tried to get help somehow. He even went looking for your school seniors and work colleagues.”
The feeling of hearing his lover’s deeds from a third party during his period of unconsciousness was indescribably weird. Time he couldn’t turn back to or be compensated for. The guilt that had vaguely covered up opened its ugly mouth again. He wasn’t the only one broken and lost. Kang Taejung was also the same. They had the same size of wound on both sides. Ha Joyoon managed to finally open his mouth, trying to hold on to his distant heart.
“Mom.”
At the gloomy voice, Hyesun held onto her son’s hand. It was warm weather, but the hands holding each other were cold and stiff like ice. Recently, when she thought of her child who had become emaciated and could barely eat properly, her upset heart rose like a bonfire.
“Let’s go in, mom.”
“Why are you being like this? Taejung is here.”
“Alright, I’ll do it by myself.”
Although his mood had improved a little recently, it was heartbreaking for parents to see their helplessly depressed children. He would leave his favorite picture behind and stay confined in his room and even when he came out, she worried about his well being when he stayed up all night for days at work, overworking himself. Maybe if they made up, he would feel a little better. It was simply common sense to think that way.
“If you hold any grudges with each other, just talk it out. Alright?”
Ha Joyoon silently hung his head in response to her gentle tap on the back of his hand.
“I’ll go in first. Make sure to talk about it. Taejung-ah, let’s have you eat dinner at our house, okay?”
“Okay, mother. Please go in first.”
He answered with a shy smile, afraid he’d cause more concern. Laughing with a dimple on only one cheek was one of Kang Taejung’s habits to overcome a difficult situation. Just by looking at his expression, you could obviously see he was thinking and how he really felt.
Shortly after his mother entered the house, Ha Joyoon took a heavy step forward. It made the physical distance become closer, but neither of them looked the other in his eyes. In just a few months, there was an awkward air between them that made it seem like hundreds of years had passed.
“Don’t listen… to what my mom said.”
The first one to speak was Ha Joyoon. He heard the sound of the person in front of him moving and felt a gaze on him. It was quite sad that they could know each other’s actions without having to actually check, Ha Joyoon smiled a little as it felt like he could see him. But he couldn’t bear to raise his head since he was still not confident enough to meet his gaze.
“You can come for dinner when I’m not home next time. I usually come home late at night and rarely on weekends, so you can check with my sister. My parents, however, are really grateful to you and want to see you. I might be uncomfortable with it but my parents don’t feel that way…”
“…”
“Give them a call next time.”
Just because a relationship between lovers ended, doesn’t mean all the human relationships steadily built over the years had to as well. Even if he didn’t want to think about him, if there was someone around who did, he would suddenly flash into his mind during a normal conversation. Such defenseless attacks like those were usually more bitter and painful.
How does everything end when love ends…?
Ha Joyoon turned his back again, rubbing at the scar of parting without realizing. He didn’t expect a conversation anyway, so he thought he wouldn’t be shocked by the other’s silence, but his heart that had been shattered to dust strangely hurt. He closed his eyes tightly, covering his mouth with his palm as he felt an unbearable urge to puke.
“Yoon-ah.”
He hadn’t walked too far before a voice called for him, putting a stop to his steps. The autumn wind blew coolly. Ha Joyoon stopped walking for a moment and turned his eyes, which swept his disorganized hair along the direction of the wind. Under a sky that seemed to have moved the blue sea to the heavens, his empty mind shook dangerously like fallen leaves.
“Do you feel any better?”
Concerned worries came out of Kang Taejung’s mouth. He had no time to be thrilled by the cheap sympathy. If there had been a mirror at that moment, Ha Joyoon would have had to fight the intense urge to smash everything into pieces. He felt like he was going to show his messed up and distorted face. He had never wanted to show Kang Taejung his ugly self.
Ha Joyoon couldn’t find anything to reply with and answered by covering his eyes with his palm. The cheeks hidden between them twitched. Whether hate or love, it was difficult for him to tell what he was feeling now.
Step step–
When he heard the sound of footsteps slowly become closer, his entire body became as rigid as a fossil. When the tormenting sound stopped, a brutally sweet voice ripped through his ears and dug into his brain.
“Do you go to the hospital regularly?”
“…”
“Is your rehabilitati…”
“Taejung-ah.”
Ha Joyoon called his ex’s name in a faint yet serious voice. Fortunately, his dried tear glands due to his exhaustion of emotions didn’t make Ha Joyoon look miserable in front of him, but it was painful and difficult enough to put the name into words.
It was a very small voice, but Kang Taejung stopped talking and waited for Ha Joyoon’s answer. It was a slower tempo than others, as they both had a conversation habit of giving enough time to speak and listen. His clenched hand trembled to the point where it hurt. Ha Joyoon replied in a trembling voice, barely squeezing out the little courage he had left.
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
“…Yoon-ah.”
“Plus, I don’t think I… I don’t think I can talk with you yet. I’m too…”
Irregular breathing followed. He grabbed at the suffocating feeling in his chest a few times, which soon stopped, and then he lowered his eyes to the floor again. The achromatic asphalt road was laughing at his weakness, announcing the cool afternoon.
“I said and did something shameful to you before… I don’t think I can look at you properly now. It’ll get better as time goes on. Still, it has nothing to do with my parents… You can go see them when you wish to. Don’t worry about me.”
The sun-drenched clouds slowly drifted through the sky. The suffocating heat was long over. Under the brilliantly broken blue sky was only silence that became as awkward as the streets that were opened without hesitation. This seemed to be the result of the relationship between him and Taejung, the taste of it at the tip of his tongue was bitter.
After finishing what he had to say to some extent, Ha Joyoon turned away from the other who no longer had a reply. The day was going to be a long one. Today, he had to find something to avoid the pain and immerse himself in to overcome the thoughts that lengthened, suppressing his mind. Just as he was about to take a step to his home.
“Yoon-ah.”
“…”
I don’t want you to call me that. Your kindness with only traces left, is only in the past. The name you call is just a man already dead and buried in your past.
His lifeless eyes turned to Kang Taejung. With his neutral gaze which felt nothing, he could see Kang Taejung’s movement trying to catch him, also stop.
“Back then…”
Months later, his sweet voice was still difficult to handle. Kang Taejung tried to finish his sentence, mouth opening several times, but he soon closed his mouth again. As if nothing had happened from the beginning.
Ha Joyoon also didn’t ask anymore because his mental state was not stable enough to resume the conversation by asking till the end. He no longer felt confident to see Kang Taenung’s remorseful face towards him. Not being able to make the other person happy was more painful than he imagined, and made him feel shabby.
He had thought he did his best when it came to love but was condemned for being selfish, self-destructive, and making his partner feel sick and lonely. Now there was nothing that could make him sure that it had been sincere and that he had done his best.
“I’ll leave.”
He turned completely with a faint goodbye. Opening the front door and entering the house, he could no longer hear a call for him. The expectation that he would catch up to him disappeared without a trace.
Screech-The moment he stepped on the brakes, the black car stopped in a smooth straight line.Thud-Opening the car door, the figure of a man appeared from the passenger seat. As he approached the driver's seat slowly, carrying a camera bag, another person appeared as the black tinted car window went down. With his waist slightly bent, the other became angry the moment he made eye contact.Did you really have to go this morning?That's why I said I could go alone.He was annoyed with Ha Joyoon for wanting to leave the officetel as soon as he woke up. The accumulated displeasure from the morning erupted without a filter.I'd hate to be someone who doesn't know wrong from right.Sunbae-nim, you don't have to pay that much attention to me.Shin Kwonjoo didn't seem to like Ha Joyoon's answer, his eyes becoming two times colder than usual. It was clear that he had touched a nerve.Then stop staggering in front of me. I thought you were doing it for me to see.Ha Joyoon deeply sighed at the other's provoking words.Both my knee and cruciate ligament were torn when I was in thearmy, so I can't really walk well. It's not exactly because of the accident and I'm not doing it for you to see.Are you proud that you got discharged from the army because you had a broken leg?That's not what I said.For some reason, Ha Joyoon stared at the other's reaction and smiled quietly. He remembered what Shin Kwonjoo had told him only a few months ago. Something about compassion or sympathy. At the time, he thought it was a word that didn't suit him, but now that he thought about it, he felt like he could make a slightly different judgment.For the first time, he thought that maybe this cold man might really sympathize with him and feel bad for him. It was a phenomenal change compared to when they first met. Of course, Ha Joyoon chose to not say a word because it was clear that it would be pointless to do so.While he was lost in thought, the man came out of the car and took out a cigarette out of habit.Click Along with the sound of the lighter, came a haze of smoke.Sunbae-nim.Shin Kwonjoo, who was leaning on the car and thinking deeply about something, glanced towards him.Are you usually this nice to your partners?What?His sharp eyes looked bewildered. The cigarette between his lips swayed precariously. At his frozen reaction, Ha Joyoon thought briefly and carefully brought up the words he had kept in mind for a while.I feel like they might take it the wrong way if you're too nice.What are you Ha Joyoon hurriedly waved his hands before Shin Kwonjoo could protest.Oh, I'm not taking it the wrong way or anything. Plus, I understand what you said before.His sharp eyebrows were pulled back like a taut bow. The man who had wanted to say something, soon closed his mouth and nodded slightly.I'm glad to hear that. I don't know when you started to feel that way, but I've never treated my partners badly. It was the usual dull tone, but the overall atmosphere became colder than before. With a look of displeasure, he stubbed the half-smoked cigarette with his foot and quickly went back into the car.Have a safe trip back.Yeah.The moment he took a step forward looking in, the tinted car window went up with a mechanical sound. At the same time, the image of the person he was talking to until a while ago, was blocked by black walls and had disappeared without a trace. Soon enough, the car slowly began to move, the sound of the roaring engine following after it.Llr ujhf kjr vlrajca jr tf kjr ibbxlcu ja atf wbnlcu mjg. Ktf mbibgr bo fwbalbcr fwyfvvfv lc tlr ygbkc lglrfr, rmjaafgfv ilxf ogjuwfcar bo fjgatfckjgf.Lf mbeivc'a ifa la ub jcs oegatfg.Lj Absbbc tfiv bcab tlr yju alutafg, gfmlalcu kbgvr ab jc ecxcbkc ilrafcfg. C wfwbgs bo ktfc tf olgra jmmfqafv atf reuufralbc bo yflcu rfz qjgacfgr, mjwf ab wlcv.We just need to have and follow a few rules well.'It's nothing difficult.'Don't get emotionally involved or concern ourselves with each other's private lives. If at some point, someone wishes to stop or gets feelings mixed in, the relationship will come to an end immediately. Do the very best to show civility following the rules.He recalled Shin Kwonjoo saying the words, like they were a stipulated clause. He was diligently doing as he said. To not invade each other's territory but to be kind and considerate in his own way during their relationship.Ha Joyoon feebly smiled at the not-so-funny memory, and continued moving with heavy steps towards the direction of his house. His exhausted body was about to collapse due to strain, and he felt like he would be knocked out the moment he laid his head down somewhere.His body, which had been asleep for a long time, was unable to return to its past state, and he felt out of breath even though he had only walked for a short while. This is because he overworked his body without proper rehabilitation. He knew it was silly. He kept repeating the process of taking a few steps, resting for a moment, taking another few steps and resting once more.Yoon-ah!At the familiar sound of his name being called, he smiled and turned around. And immediately froze in his spot at the scene his eyes took in. The reason was the person he saw standing next to his mother as she waved at him with a happy expression.Coincidences were indeed cruel. The time he had desperately wished for it, he was never given a single chance, but now that he had accepted it and promised to forget, it had come to him. Had it not been a few months? Looking at Kim Taejung's shadow against streaks of sunlight, he remembered the last time he saw him. At the time, they spoke with warm breaths that accompanied a hot summer night, and now it was late autumn when fallen leaves were flying around endlessly.Ha Joyoon never once caught sight of Kim Taejung after the breakup, to the point where he considered their time together to be a lie. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say Kim Taejung completely disappeared from his life like he never existed in the first place.Are you just coming in now?A middle-aged woman with her shopping basket approached and asked. The person coming with her also walked slowly and stopped at a certain distance.Yes.Replying bluntly, Ha Joyoon collected the things in her hand. His mother, whose hands felt light in an instant, smiled more brightly and patted her son on the back.Why do you stay out so often these days, son?I'm sorry. Did you go grocery shopping?Yes, I had to go to the market to make my son something delicious for dinner.Her harsh voice was melted by the affection that could not be hidden. Ha Joyoon bowed his head, listening to his mother's worried complaints, and turned his gaze behind him when he felt a presence. He understood the strange relativity of time since Kim Taejung felt more distant and unfamiliar since the summer night he last saw him compared to the 5 years he didn't.By the way, Yoon-ah. I met Taejung on the way back. It's been months since we last saw him.Only then did the woman hurry to grab her son's arm and turn half way as she remembered the person she came with. Kang Taejung, who was one step away with both hands full of grocery bags, was dragged helplessly to face the other. He had an indiscernible expression on his face.There was a long silence that seemed to go on for eternity. His heavy eyelids gradually fell and eventually became fixed on the floor covered in dust.His right cheek, where he had gotten slapped by him, suddenly felt sore. His thin cheek slightly twitched. He knew that the other's gaze was on him but Ha Joyoon barely raised his head again. The woman eventually sensed the odd air within the continuous silence and grabbed her son's arm and lightly shook it.Why are you both so awkward? Did you two fight?MotherOne answered with silence and the other with a call of disapproval. Hyesun somewhat understood the situation now and she looked up at her son again. She could feel the obvious depression behind his indifferent and expressionless face. She then recalled her son's sudden withdrawal and depression in late summer. Oh goodness, The sigh of surprise left her lips.What would you need to fight about? It's not like you've only known each other for a few yearsHyesun blamed her son as his expression completely hardened. Ha Joyoon's fine brows frowned for a moment, but her words continued smoothly and without hesitation.Yoon-ah, are you upset with Taejung? Still, you shouldn't quarrel with him Taejung really had a hard time when you were gone. He even put his company work behind and only looked for you. It would be a big problem if you just let your relationship stay this way. Plus, I would feel like I've lost my other son.Mother, IShe continued to talk, stopping Kang Taejung, who tried to approach her with a bewildered expression.Everyone in our family, I, your dad and Junghye, are grateful to Taejung. When I thought something had gone wrong with you but couldn't do anything, Taejung ran around and tried to get help somehow. He even went looking for your school seniors and work colleagues.The feeling of hearing his lover's deeds from a third party during his period of unconsciousness was indescribably weird. Time he couldn't turn back to or be compensated for. The guilt that had vaguely covered up opened its ugly mouth again. He wasn't the only one broken and lost. Kang Taejung was also the same. They had the same size of wound on both sides. Ha Joyoon managed to finally open his mouth, trying to hold on to his distant heart.Mom.At the gloomy voice, Hyesun held onto her son's hand. It was warm weather, but the hands holding each other were cold and stiff like ice. Recently, when she thought of her child who had become emaciated and could barely eat properly, her upset heart rose like a bonfire.Let's go in, mom.Why are you being like this? Taejung is here.Alright, I'll do it by myself.Although his mood had improved a little recently, it was heartbreaking for parents to see their helplessly depressed children. He would leave his favorite picture behind and stay confined in his room and even when he came out, she worried about his well being when he stayed up all night for days at work, overworking himself. Maybe if they made up, he would feel a little better. It was simply common sense to think that way.If you hold any grudges with each other, just talk it out. Alright?Ha Joyoon silently hung his head in response to her gentle tap on the back of his hand.I'll go in first. Make sure to talk about it. Taejung-ah, let's have you eat dinner at our house, okay?Okay, mother. Please go in first.He answered with a shy smile, afraid he'd cause more concern. Laughing with a dimple on only one cheek was one of Kang Taejung's habits to overcome a difficult situation. Just by looking at his expression, you could obviously see he was thinking and how he really felt.Shortly after his mother entered the house, Ha Joyoon took a heavy step forward. It made the physical distance become closer, but neither of them looked the other in his eyes. In just a few months, there was an awkward air between them that made it seem like hundreds of years had passed.Don't listen to what my mom said.The first one to speak was Ha Joyoon. He heard the sound of the person in front of him moving and felt a gaze on him. It was quite sad that they could know each other's actions without having to actually check, Ha Joyoon smiled a little as it felt like he could see him. But he couldn't bear to raise his head since he was still not confident enough to meet his gaze.You can come for dinner when I'm not home next time. I usually come home late at night and rarely on weekends, so you can check with my sister. My parents, however, are really grateful to you and want to see you. I might be uncomfortable with it but my parents don't feel that wayGive them a call next time.Just because a relationship between lovers ended, doesn't mean all the human relationships steadily built over the years had to as well. Even if he didn't want to think about him, if there was someone around who did, he would suddenly flash into his mind during a normal conversation. Such defenseless attacks like those were usually more bitter and painful.How does everything end when love ends?Ha Joyoon turned his back again, rubbing at the scar of parting without realizing. He didn't expect a conversation anyway, so he thought he wouldn't be shocked by the other's silence, but his heart that had been shattered to dust strangely hurt. He closed his eyes tightly, covering his mouth with his palm as he felt an unbearable urge to puke.Yoon-ah.He hadn't walked too far before a voice called for him, putting a stop to his steps. The autumn wind blew coolly. Ha Joyoon stopped walking for a moment and turned his eyes, which swept his disorganized hair along the direction of the wind. Under a sky that seemed to have moved the blue sea to the heavens, his empty mind shook dangerously like fallen leaves.Do you feel any better?Concerned worries came out of Kang Taejung's mouth. He had no time to be thrilled by the cheap sympathy. If there had been a mirror at that moment, Ha Joyoon would have had to fight the intense urge to smash everything into pieces. He felt like he was going to show his messed up and distorted face. He had never wanted to show Kang Taejung his ugly self.Ha Joyoon couldn't find anything to reply with and answered by covering his eyes with his palm. The cheeks hidden between them twitched. Whether hate or love, it was difficult for him to tell what he was feeling now.Step stepWhen he heard the sound of footsteps slowly become closer, his entire body became as rigid as a fossil. When the tormenting sound stopped, a brutally sweet voice ripped through his ears and dug into his brain.Do you go to the hospital regularly?Is your rehabilitatiTaejung-ah.Ha Joyoon called his ex's name in a faint yet serious voice. Fortunately, his dried tear glands due to his exhaustion of emotions didn't make Ha Joyoon look miserable in front of him, but it was painful and difficult enough to put the name into words.It was a very small voice, but Kang Taejung stopped talking and waited for Ha Joyoon's answer. It was a slower tempo than others, as they both had a conversation habit of giving enough time to speak and listen. His clenched hand trembled to the point where it hurt. Ha Joyoon replied in a trembling voice, barely squeezing out the little courage he had left.You don't have to worry about that anymore.Yoon-ah.Plus, I don't think I I don't think I can talk with you yet. I'm tooIrregular breathing followed. He grabbed at the suffocating feeling in his chest a few times, which soon stopped, and then he lowered his eyes to the floor again. The achromatic asphalt road was laughing at his weakness, announcing the cool afternoon.I said and did something shameful to you before I don't think I can look at you properly now. It'll get better as time goes on. Still, it has nothing to do with my parents You can go see them when you wish to. Don't worry about me.The sun-drenched clouds slowly drifted through the sky. The suffocating heat was long over. Under the brilliantly broken blue sky was only silence that became as awkward as the streets that were opened without hesitation. This seemed to be the result of the relationship between him and Taejung, the taste of it at the tip of his tongue was bitter.After finishing what he had to say to some extent, Ha Joyoon turned away from the other who no longer had a reply. The day was going to be a long one. Today, he had to find something to avoid the pain and immerse himself in to overcome the thoughts that lengthened, suppressing his mind. Just as he was about to take a step to his home.Yoon-ah.I don't want you to call me that. Your kindness with only traces left, is only in the past. The name you call is just a man already dead and buried in your past.His lifeless eyes turned to Kang Taejung. With his neutral gaze which felt nothing, he could see Kang Taejung's movement trying to catch him, also stop.Back thenMonths later, his sweet voice was still difficult to handle. Kang Taejung tried to finish his sentence, mouth opening several times, but he soon closed his mouth again. As if nothing had happened from the beginning.Ha Joyoon also didn't ask anymore because his mental state was not stable enough to resume the conversation by asking till the end. He no longer felt confident to see Kang Taenung's remorseful face towards him. Not being able to make the other person happy was more painful than he imagined, and made him feel shabby.He had thought he did his best when it came to love but was condemned for being selfish, self-destructive, and making his partner feel sick and lonely. Now there was nothing that could make him sure that it had been sincere and that he had done his best.I'll leave.He turned completely with a faint goodbye. Opening the front door and entering the house, he could no longer hear a call for him. The expectation that he would catch up to him disappeared without a trace.
