Their mothers had also maintained a close relationship for a long time. That fact also meant that even if Kang Taejung and Ha Joyoon’s relationship ended, they still had a connection with each other like now. Kang Taejung took a deep breath and swept the hair that was flowing over his forehead.
“I have an appointment tomorrow.”
When he clumsily tried to avoid the topic, his mother’s eyes opened wide.
“It will only take an hour or two. You can see each other in the morning, or at least stop by for a bit to say hello after you’re done eating”
Ha Joyoon’s house was close enough to be said that it was right next door. It made it so that any word was bound to be taken as an excuse. As the silence grew longer, the woman, sensing the unusual atmosphere, grabbed Taejung’s hand.
“Did you fight with Yoon?”
“……”
“Why did you do that with your friend?”
Friend. A smile broke through the tightly closed mouth. Even after dating for such a long time, was there anyone who knew about the relationship between him and Ha Joyoon? Except for Ha Junghye, no one knew their love, and simply regarded them as close childhood friends.
In reality, the secret that had been kept with the desire to stay together for a long time remained only in the form of bitterness that could not be swallowed. Perhaps the time when they were lovers was nothing but an illusion that they imagined themselves. A relationship where they can’t say they broke up, and can only avoid talking about it with the excuse that they simply fought instead.
“When did you two meet?”
It was a voice without any suspicion. After contemplating for a while, Kang Taejung finally picked up his chopsticks again and resumed eating, pretending to be calm. The food was made with sincerity, but he couldn’t taste anything, as if his palate had been ruined.
“Well, I met up with him briefly on the day he returned home. It’s nothing serious, just a little argument.”
“What is there to argue? Anyway, why are you doing this to the kid who has suffered so much already? Didn’t you tell Yoon about how hard it was for you too?”
“Haha… Yes. I did. I guess I was just upset and angry.”
“Don’t complain too much. I don’t know if you heard, but Yoon was injured and unconscious when he went missing. Rehab didn’t go well, so it seems like he’s still recuperating. That kid is just skin and bones now.”
Once again, he stopped moving. Even if he tried to act nonchalant, he couldn’t deceive the deepest part of his heart. The arm that reached out for a glass of water trembled involuntarily. The image of Ha Joyoon from their last meeting kept coming to mind. There was nothing that did not bother his heart. From his pale complexion, looking like he was about to collapse at any moment, to his wet hair, trembling body, and dry hands that were holding on to him tightly. Kang Taejung took a deep breath and continued speaking with a brave mask on his face.
“Isn’t he okay now?”
“Still, I’m worried since he hurt his head. He was unconscious for so long too… Hyesun was worried about that too. They say that there are many aftereffects… You said you met Yoon too?”
His head…
“Is it really that bad?”
“I was too scared to ask about that. I’ve known him since birth, he’s like my own son… so I’m afraid that I might hear something unpleasant. In the meantime, he seems to be insistent about going back to work.”
“Work? He’s back at work?”
“Yeah. Apparently, he went back to work shortly after returning to Korea. There’s a Korean branch of Yoon’s old company.”
Though he asked as if nothing was wrong, he wasn’t too sure about his stiff expression. Anyone could see that he had not recovered, so he, too, thought he was recuperating at home. He felt thirsty from all the tension. Kang Taejung, unaware of the gradual increase in strength of his grasp, drank the water and shouted harshly.
“What do you mean when he hasn’t even recovered? Someone should drag him to the hospital.”
“Yoon isn’t a baby anymore, he’s free to do what he wants.”
“That’s not the problem!”
Taejung’s mother was startled by the unconsciously raised voice and called out her son’s name. “Taejung-ah.” Only then did Kang Taejung realize that he was already halfway standing up from the table. His heart was pounding uncontrollably like it was about to cross a threshold. It was a precarious heart that seemed as if it would overflow if anyone touched it.
He sat back down and took a deep breath and covered his eyes with his palms.
“I’m sorry.” The apologetic voice was crushed with despair. There was a storm. It was as if coarse grains of sand had spread all over his body.
“What if something goes wrong? He was unconscious for five years. He’s probably still having problems so what sort of stupidity is that?.”
The truth was that he could not even say a word to the person involved. I’m worried, please go to the hospital. Looking at that pale face, which had no color to be found, he wanted to grab him by the hand and take him to the hospital right away. He wanted to get angry and yell at him for being negligent, not slap him for the inexcusable things he said… to be honest…
“Why don’t you contact him if you’re so worried? Whatever you fought about, make up quickly. How can you cut ties just like that after fighting once or twice? There’s a right timing for an apology too. Don’t you know that if you miss the timing, no matter how much regret it later, you can’t undo the relationship? I think my son is a sensible child, yes?”
The mother’s voice lowered as if rebuking her son for his foolishness. Kang Taejung’s eyes, which quickly avoided eye contact, shook with uneasiness.
“Yoon is not one to quit his work. You don’t know when or what might happen… but you must have realized how precious it is to be able to talk face to face like now.”
“……”
“Before you go tomorrow, go to Hyesun’s to say hello and make up with Yoon.”
“……”
“Hm?”
The gentle mother’s voice calmly rang and knocked the heart. Kang Taejung, after brushing his dry cheeks a few more times, finally responded with a heavy nod to change the topic of conversation.
***
Clack.
The walk inside the room after closing the door was heavy. After forcing himself to eat, his stomach was so bloated that he felt like he would retch at any moment. He seemed to be suffering from indigestion.
Kang Taejung sat down on the desk chair he had used a long time ago and hit his stiff chest with his fist a couple of times. There was a large window right next to him, so he could see the scenery outside the window. This was one of his favorite parts of the room. What used to be an affectionate gaze as he sat by the window and reminisced about the past, turned into unbearable pain.
A red-roofed house was about ten meters away. A small window facing the front. It seemed that the owner had not yet come in, as the lights were still out. Kang Taejung’s eyes, which were quietly staring at the window, started a nostalgic journey along the path of time. It was a step towards somewhere in the past, well over a decade ago.
Whenever he opened the window, he would call him since he could see his face at any time from a distance. It was also common to play mischievous jokes with arms leaning on the window frame or make appointments to hang out.
From some point on, when he realized his feelings weren’t those of a simple friend, he would avoid Ha Joyoon in fear. However, at night he would secretly open the window and peek at his friend through the gap.
On the subject of avoiding, if he didn’t get to see Ha Joyoon even for a day, he would get so depressed to the point he was unable to get through anything for the rest of the day. In the end, it didn’t end until Ha Joyoon came in through that door, unable to stand the distance. He had thought that he would have to bury his feelings of first love for his precious friend in his heart for the rest of his life. Kang Taejung still vividly remembered the overwhelming joy when they confirmed their romantic feelings for each other.
Bitter remorse fluctuated. Leaving all the days of love behind, the worst ending kept replaying in his mind.
Ha Joyoon was not always indifferent. At least when it came to him.
He was often misunderstood because of his unfailing attitude and his characteristic indifferent disposition, but in fact, he was more thoughtful and considerate than anyone else. He just couldn’t put the tens of thousands of thoughts in his little head into words.
In the days of ignorance, Ha Joyoon, who didn’t express his feelings properly, was just sad and busy chasing him. Do you love me or like me? Come to think of it, he was really ignorant and selfish. It took a lot of trial and error to acknowledge the difference between Ha Joyoon as a friend and Ha Joyoon as a lover, as he didn’t know that he had to wait a long time for his answer if he asked. As they quarreled and came to understand each other, Ha Joyoon also opened up his entire heart to him, and both of them were merged with each other.
He thought that loving and caring for each other was everything. He thought that would be enough. However, as he got older and came to understand society, Kang Taejung wanted more. He always wanted to be a priority for Ha Joyoon, and for those pretty eyes with a soft amber color under the bright sunlight to only look at him. He hoped that he would sometimes give up what is precious only for him. He pretended to sacrifice for his sake and embraced him, but actually didn’t mean it. I didn’t want him to wander anymore, hoping he would land with me and always stay by my side.
It was Ha Joyoon who was nimble. There was no way that he failed to notice the desire for monopoly that grew stronger as time passed and the corresponding sense of guilt. Even though he knew that he was troubled and sad, he always drove him to a corner and indirectly forced Ha Joyoon to choose between him and photography. It was around that time that Ha Joyoon began to turn his attention to the overseas civil war zones in earnest.
‘Don’t go. There’s enough to do in Korea too.’
‘Taejung-ah…’
‘Waiting is hard. Yoon-ah… Can’t you just stay by my side?’
‘Taejung-ah, can’t you please let me…’
An emerging fragment of the past choked him up. In the last few months before his disappearance, most of the images of Ha Joyoon that Kang Taejung remembered were sad, troubled, and pained. It was all because of me. We were each other’s first love and believed that we loved each other more than anyone else, but in the end, I was forcing my love.
He was a lover who was always floating in the air somewhere. Taejung was well aware that the only things Ha Joyoon had attachments to were himself and his photography. He wanted the two to get back together, but Kang Taejung did not let him. It’s because he always had to suffer from the anxiety that Ha Joyoon could leave him anytime as he chased his dream. He couldn’t hold on to it properly nor could he let go.
It was a foolish love, full of persistent lingering.
Drag-
He pushed the chair and got up again. A box under the desk caught his eye. It was covered with dust as it had been left unattended for several months. He opened the lid as if he had finally made up his mind. The box was full of documents andnotes. Some were arranged in an orderly manner, and there were a lot of hastily written memos, so the composition was different.
After Ha Joyoon went missing, he left everything behind and collected whatever he could find in a frenzy. If there were any clues, no matter how small, he compulsively gathered them. If there was anyone with the slightest connection, he contacted the other person to the point they would get sick of him begging for help. Even when a worker of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, tired of his excessive obsession, uttered insulting remarks, he didn’t get hurt. Self-esteem was not comparable to the pain of loss.
Daily life was not going well. Even when his parents told him to stop, he blindly searched for him with his eyes and ears closed. Despite his efforts, he couldn’t find any news. In the end he gave up hope of him being alive. Nevertheless, hewanted to find even a single bone fragment or a handful of ashes.
Just like that, one, two, and then five years passed. At some point, his emotions began to numb as if something had broken down. He couldn’t feel joy, anger, sorrow, or happiness. It was a series of gray as if all emotions had faded. As he became insensitive to everything, he began to accept Ha Joyoon’s death little by little. It was a mechanical understanding, a perception. The feelings of a man, his love, were utterly vain and worthless.
Kang Taejung looked at the box without a word and closed the lid again as carefully as he did when opening it. This time, his strong hand contained the will to throw away all his lingering feelings and bury the past. Tears had long since dried up.
Suddenly, Seo Youngwoo came to mind.
Despite the fact that they started off on the wrong note, he was the person who stood next to him now. He was the one who unconditionally forgave him for his terrible mistakes. Even begging him for forgiveness for the rest of his life would not be enough. He had to do his best to embrace the wounded body and heart.
Though he couldn’t say that he loved him with the same feelings he loved Ha Joyoon with, Kang Taejung believed that responsibility could also be love. He hoped that trust and responsibility for each other could create another form of love.
It was difficult for him to turn away from the temptation of Seo Youngwoo’s absolute and stable love, because he was only accustomed to love filled with anxiety. A cowardly heart constantly murmured, demanding rationalization from Kang Taejung. The hand holding the box twitched visibly.
Then, he could see the lights being turned on from the window across the street. The window was still closed, but it was not difficult to guess who the silhouette projected out of the brightly lit window was. Kang Taejung stared at the shadow of a person on the other side, as hard as a fossil. All sorts of indescribable emotions were drawn on his face in rags. A fine shadow gradually walked towards the window.
At that moment, Kang Taejung quickly closed the window of his room without hesitation and got up from his seat. It was already over, so it was right not to think about that person anymore. His tightly closed eyes trembled painfully. The decision was only possible because he had no idea what kind of pain it would cause him afterward.
Their mothers had also maintained a close relationship for a long time. That fact also meant that even if Kang Taejung and Ha Joyoon’s relationship ended, they still had a connection with each other like now. Kang Taejung took a deep breath and swept the hair that was flowing over his forehead.
“I have an appointment tomorrow.”
When he clumsily tried to avoid the topic, his mother’s eyes opened wide.
“It will only take an hour or two. You can see each other in the morning, or at least stop by for a bit to say hello after you’re done eating”
Ha Joyoon’s house was close enough to be said that it was right next door. It made it so that any word was bound to be taken as an excuse. As the silence grew longer, the woman, sensing the unusual atmosphere, grabbed Taejung’s hand.
“Did you fight with Yoon?”
“……”
“Why did you do that with your friend?”
Friend. A smile broke through the tightly closed mouth. Even after dating for such a long time, was there anyone who knew about the relationship between him and Ha Joyoon? Except for Ha Junghye, no one knew their love, and simply regarded them as close childhood friends.
In reality, the secret that had been kept with the desire to stay together for a long time remained only in the form of bitterness that could not be swallowed. Perhaps the time when they were lovers was nothing but an illusion that they imagined themselves. A relationship where they can’t say they broke up, and can only avoid talking about it with the excuse that they simply fought instead.
“When did you two meet?”
It was a voice without any suspicion. After contemplating for a while, Kang Taejung finally picked up his chopsticks again and resumed eating, pretending to be calm. The food was made with sincerity, but he couldn’t taste anything, as if his palate had been ruined.
“Well, I met up with him briefly on the day he returned home. It’s nothing serious, just a little argument.”
“What is there to argue? Anyway, why are you doing this to the kid who has suffered so much already? Didn’t you tell Yoon about how hard it was for you too?”
“Haha… Yes. I did. I guess I was just upset and angry.”
“Don’t complain too much. I don’t know if you heard, but Yoon was injured and unconscious when he went missing. Rehab didn’t go well, so it seems like he’s still recuperating. That kid is just skin and bones now.”
Once again, he stopped moving. Even if he tried to act nonchalant, he couldn’t deceive the deepest part of his heart. The arm that reached out for a glass of water trembled involuntarily. The image of Ha Joyoon from their last meeting kept coming to mind. There was nothing that did not bother his heart. From his pale complexion, looking like he was about to collapse at any moment, to his wet hair, trembling body, and dry hands that were holding on to him tightly. Kang Taejung took a deep breath and continued speaking with a brave mask on his face.
“Isn’t he okay now?”
“Still, I’m worried since he hurt his head. He was unconscious for so long too… Hyesun was worried about that too. They say that there are many aftereffects… You said you met Yoon too?”
His head…
“Is it really that bad?”
“I was too scared to ask about that. I’ve known him since birth, he’s like my own son… so I’m afraid that I might hear something unpleasant. In the meantime, he seems to be insistent about going back to work.”
“Work? He’s back at work?”
“Yeah. Apparently, he went back to work shortly after returning to Korea. There’s a Korean branch of Yoon’s old company.”
Though he asked as if nothing was wrong, he wasn’t too sure about his stiff expression. Anyone could see that he had not recovered, so he, too, thought he was recuperating at home. He felt thirsty from all the tension. Kang Taejung, unaware of the gradual increase in strength of his grasp, drank the water and shouted harshly.
“What do you mean when he hasn’t even recovered? Someone should drag him to the hospital.”
“Yoon isn’t a baby anymore, he’s free to do what he wants.”
“That’s not the problem!”
Taejung’s mother was startled by the unconsciously raised voice and called out her son’s name. “Taejung-ah.” Only then did Kang Taejung realize that he was already halfway standing up from the table. His heart was pounding uncontrollably like it was about to cross a threshold. It was a precarious heart that seemed as if it would overflow if anyone touched it.
He sat back down and took a deep breath and covered his eyes with his palms.
“I’m sorry.” The apologetic voice was crushed with despair. There was a storm. It was as if coarse grains of sand had spread all over his body.
“What if something goes wrong? He was unconscious for five years. He’s probably still having problems so what sort of stupidity is that?.”
The truth was that he could not even say a word to the person involved. I’m worried, please go to the hospital. Looking at that pale face, which had no color to be found, he wanted to grab him by the hand and take him to the hospital right away. He wanted to get angry and yell at him for being negligent, not slap him for the inexcusable things he said… to be honest…
“Why don’t you contact him if you’re so worried? Whatever you fought about, make up quickly. How can you cut ties just like that after fighting once or twice? There’s a right timing for an apology too. Don’t you know that if you miss the timing, no matter how much regret it later, you can’t undo the relationship? I think my son is a sensible child, yes?”
The mother’s voice lowered as if rebuking her son for his foolishness. Kang Taejung’s eyes, which quickly avoided eye contact, shook with uneasiness.
“Yoon is not one to quit his work. You don’t know when or what might happen… but you must have realized how precious it is to be able to talk face to face like now.”
“……”
“Before you go tomorrow, go to Hyesun’s to say hello and make up with Yoon.”
“……”
“Hm?”
The gentle mother’s voice calmly rang and knocked the heart. Kang Taejung, after brushing his dry cheeks a few more times, finally responded with a heavy nod to change the topic of conversation.
***
Clack.
The walk inside the room after closing the door was heavy. After forcing himself to eat, his stomach was so bloated that he felt like he would retch at any moment. He seemed to be suffering from indigestion.
Kang Taejung sat down on the desk chair he had used a long time ago and hit his stiff chest with his fist a couple of times. There was a large window right next to him, so he could see the scenery outside the window. This was one of his favorite parts of the room. What used to be an affectionate gaze as he sat by the window and reminisced about the past, turned into unbearable pain.
A red-roofed house was about ten meters away. A small window facing the front. It seemed that the owner had not yet come in, as the lights were still out. Kang Taejung’s eyes, which were quietly staring at the window, started a nostalgic journey along the path of time. It was a step towards somewhere in the past, well over a decade ago.
Whenever he opened the window, he would call him since he could see his face at any time from a distance. It was also common to play mischievous jokes with arms leaning on the window frame or make appointments to hang out.
From some point on, when he realized his feelings weren’t those of a simple friend, he would avoid Ha Joyoon in fear. However, at night he would secretly open the window and peek at his friend through the gap.
On the subject of avoiding, if he didn’t get to see Ha Joyoon even for a day, he would get so depressed to the point he was unable to get through anything for the rest of the day. In the end, it didn’t end until Ha Joyoon came in through that door, unable to stand the distance. He had thought that he would have to bury his feelings of first love for his precious friend in his heart for the rest of his life. Kang Taejung still vividly remembered the overwhelming joy when they confirmed their romantic feelings for each other.
Bitter remorse fluctuated. Leaving all the days of love behind, the worst ending kept replaying in his mind.
Ha Joyoon was not always indifferent. At least when it came to him.
He was often misunderstood because of his unfailing attitude and his characteristic indifferent disposition, but in fact, he was more thoughtful and considerate than anyone else. He just couldn’t put the tens of thousands of thoughts in his little head into words.
In the days of ignorance, Ha Joyoon, who didn’t express his feelings properly, was just sad and busy chasing him. Do you love me or like me? Come to think of it, he was really ignorant and selfish. It took a lot of trial and error to acknowledge the difference between Ha Joyoon as a friend and Ha Joyoon as a lover, as he didn’t know that he had to wait a long time for his answer if he asked. As they quarreled and came to understand each other, Ha Joyoon also opened up his entire heart to him, and both of them were merged with each other.
He thought that loving and caring for each other was everything. He thought that would be enough. However, as he got older and came to understand society, Kang Taejung wanted more. He always wanted to be a priority for Ha Joyoon, and for those pretty eyes with a soft amber color under the bright sunlight to only look at him. He hoped that he would sometimes give up what is precious only for him. He pretended to sacrifice for his sake and embraced him, but actually didn’t mean it. I didn’t want him to wander anymore, hoping he would land with me and always stay by my side.
It was Ha Joyoon who was nimble. There was no way that he failed to notice the desire for monopoly that grew stronger as time passed and the corresponding sense of guilt. Even though he knew that he was troubled and sad, he always drove him to a corner and indirectly forced Ha Joyoon to choose between him and photography. It was around that time that Ha Joyoon began to turn his attention to the overseas civil war zones in earnest.
‘Don’t go. There’s enough to do in Korea too.’
‘Taejung-ah…’
‘Waiting is hard. Yoon-ah… Can’t you just stay by my side?’
‘Taejung-ah, can’t you please let me…’
An emerging fragment of the past choked him up. In the last few months before his disappearance, most of the images of Ha Joyoon that Kang Taejung remembered were sad, troubled, and pained. It was all because of me. We were each other’s first love and believed that we loved each other more than anyone else, but in the end, I was forcing my love.
He was a lover who was always floating in the air somewhere. Taejung was well aware that the only things Ha Joyoon had attachments to were himself and his photography. He wanted the two to get back together, but Kang Taejung did not let him. It’s because he always had to suffer from the anxiety that Ha Joyoon could leave him anytime as he chased his dream. He couldn’t hold on to it properly nor could he let go.
It was a foolish love, full of persistent lingering.
Drag-
He pushed the chair and got up again. A box under the desk caught his eye. It was covered with dust as it had been left unattended for several months. He opened the lid as if he had finally made up his mind. The box was full of documents andnotes. Some were arranged in an orderly manner, and there were a lot of hastily written memos, so the composition was different.
After Ha Joyoon went missing, he left everything behind and collected whatever he could find in a frenzy. If there were any clues, no matter how small, he compulsively gathered them. If there was anyone with the slightest connection, he contacted the other person to the point they would get sick of him begging for help. Even when a worker of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, tired of his excessive obsession, uttered insulting remarks, he didn’t get hurt. Self-esteem was not comparable to the pain of loss.
Daily life was not going well. Even when his parents told him to stop, he blindly searched for him with his eyes and ears closed. Despite his efforts, he couldn’t find any news. In the end he gave up hope of him being alive. Nevertheless, hewanted to find even a single bone fragment or a handful of ashes.
Just like that, one, two, and then five years passed. At some point, his emotions began to numb as if something had broken down. He couldn’t feel joy, anger, sorrow, or happiness. It was a series of gray as if all emotions had faded. As he became insensitive to everything, he began to accept Ha Joyoon’s death little by little. It was a mechanical understanding, a perception. The feelings of a man, his love, were utterly vain and worthless.
Kang Taejung looked at the box without a word and closed the lid again as carefully as he did when opening it. This time, his strong hand contained the will to throw away all his lingering feelings and bury the past. Tears had long since dried up.
Suddenly, Seo Youngwoo came to mind.
Despite the fact that they started off on the wrong note, he was the person who stood next to him now. He was the one who unconditionally forgave him for his terrible mistakes. Even begging him for forgiveness for the rest of his life would not be enough. He had to do his best to embrace the wounded body and heart.
Though he couldn’t say that he loved him with the same feelings he loved Ha Joyoon with, Kang Taejung believed that responsibility could also be love. He hoped that trust and responsibility for each other could create another form of love.
It was difficult for him to turn away from the temptation of Seo Youngwoo’s absolute and stable love, because he was only accustomed to love filled with anxiety. A cowardly heart constantly murmured, demanding rationalization from Kang Taejung. The hand holding the box twitched visibly.
Then, he could see the lights being turned on from the window across the street. The window was still closed, but it was not difficult to guess who the silhouette projected out of the brightly lit window was. Kang Taejung stared at the shadow of a person on the other side, as hard as a fossil. All sorts of indescribable emotions were drawn on his face in rags. A fine shadow gradually walked towards the window.
At that moment, Kang Taejung quickly closed the window of his room without hesitation and got up from his seat. It was already over, so it was right not to think about that person anymore. His tightly closed eyes trembled painfully. The decision was only possible because he had no idea what kind of pain it would cause him afterward.
