[23rd Round] The Essence of Love
“Who the hell are you?!”
“Your savior. If not for me, you would have died.”
“I didn’t ask to be saved by you… Kh-kh?!”
“Then die.”
“W-wait!”
In order not to reveal my true identity, I refrained from grabbing his vertebrae, but he ran into it himself.
However, the limitations of my mechanical body immediately made themselves known. I squeezed his neck between his 6th and 7th vertebrae, but Sieg’s body was too strong.
If so…
Fshuh!
I dragged my cocky junior to the lake and dipped his head into the water.
Before he could completely suffocate, I let him take one breath, then submerged his head again. I repeated this process over and over.
“How do you like the water?”
“I was wrong… Pha! Sorry… Pha!”
“Drink to your heart’s content. Don’t be shy. This is the manifestation of your senior’s love.”
“Kh-kha…”
After a while, having decided that he was ready to communicate properly, I let him go.
“Junior Sieg.”
“Yes! Senior!”
“I don’t really want to do this because I have my own matters to take care of, but since you badly need my help, I’ve decided to accompany you on the way.”
“Huh? I don’t… Yes! Yes, senior! I desperately need your help!”
“Good. I’ll help you.”
“Yeah, well…”
Hero V managed to join Hero Sieg’s squad.
Now for the next step.
“Sieg, we will set up camp here until your companions find us.”
“Alright.”
“Get ready.”
“Yes … Huh?”
Camping without a flush toilet is awful, but he needed to learn to be self-sufficient.
“Well … If you hire a companion that’s good at housekeeping, your problems will be solved.”
“Oh.”
Sieg was trying to resist my teachings, but not because he decided to rebel. It was just his way of thinking.
Did he want to find a companion for every chore he found a hassle to do?
That was the same way of thinking as that of the locals. They pleased the Hero to make him voluntarily solve all their problems.
My sense of justice flashed in my chest!
“How many years have you been a hero, Sieg?”
“200 years. I’m sure I have more experience than you.”
Shameless sucker! He rounded up 195 years!
I calmed myself down, knowing I had to be patient.
“More than mine? Listen, you stupid kid. I have over 2,000 years of experience! I’ve been around even before flush toilets and Mollan’s Teachings became widespread in this world.”
“…”
“Judging by your expression, you want proof, don’t you? Alright. I will demonstrate them to you later when the time is right.”
“Why did you suddenly ask about my experience, though?”
“I don’t want you to doubt the teachings of your great senior because of your pitiful experience.”
“This is stupid…”
“If you continue to get on my nerves, I will force you to breed with the orcs until you become pregnant.”
“…”
Sieg’s expression, distorted from discontent and distrust, immediately changed.
Now he looked finally ready to learn.
“Find a suitable place to camp. It should be dry but not too close to water. If it rains at night, it could flood the camp. However, make sure it isn’t too far away from it either, so you have easy access to drinking water. Choose a location that is above the water level and close to it. Usually, you don’t need to worry about this because mercenaries and hunters leave their camps behind, but when you explore places nobody ever visits like this, you have to solve all these problems yourself. (Omitted) Elves, who pretend to love trees, offer to camp under the arches of trees, but hit them hard on the head if they do. Such locations are good places to be assassinated, after all. Hence, open space is best. I’ve got a lot more to say, but I’ll do it next time.”
“No!”
“Then get to it. I’ll judge how good the location you pick will be.”
“Yes!”
He immediately got down to business.
However, having lived 195 years in Fantasy, he couldn’t easily get rid of his acquired chronic disease.
He was obsessed with elves.
“Sorry, lovely elven lady. I want to pick up the branches you stepped on.”
“Oh! I beg your pardon.”
“I also want to collect the stones on which you are now standing. I chose this fragrant place where the lady was staying for camp.”
“Really?”
The embarrassed elf retreated and tried to get rid of the lustful Sieg.
However, not noticing her rejection, he continued his advances.
“Where did you come from?”
“The north. We all explore remote areas in search of medicinal herbs to heal His Majesty Elfheim.”
“Elfheim… He is very popular with the elven ladies. But he is better than me only because he has royal blood.”
“If you insult His Majesty again, I will not forgive you!”
“Oh, I apologize. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just stating facts… Oh. I’m sorry! Talk to me a little more…”
“Stay away. Tsk! I don’t want anything to do with you!”
The elf hastily departed.
Blushing in shame, Sieg muttered, “What’s wrong with her? Why does she treat me like I’m some kind of pervert? I save them from difficult situations and slave markets… This situation reminded me of Munchkin! Damn it! Damn it all! One day, I’ll have a normal relationship with a cute elf too!”
Sieg remembered the photo I sent again.
He might want to run away.
What should I do?
At that moment, I realized the elf looking for medicinal herbs hadn’t yet managed to get far.
… I had no other choice.
It looked like I was going to have to use the carrot and stick strategy.
“Forgive me, elven madam.”
“Will you also pester me like that man?”
“I am a friend of His Majesty Elfheim. The spirits can attest to it. Any clever elf knows that spirits don’t lie.
“Well, I know that! I’m not stupid… Wait! Are you really a friend of His Majesty Elfheim?”
“If you cannot believe it, ask this innocent spirit. Hey, spirit. Let me begin our conversation by saying you have a prettier cloaca than the lazy First Spirit.”
Fshuh!
Spirit A, who liked my sincere praise, smiled brightly.
The other spirits then gathered around me, begging for praise.
There was no demonic pheromone in Hero V’s body that made the spirits sniff me all day, but I had been sexually harassed for 200 years. Hence, I had learned how to deal with them.
“Wow… Your affinity for spirits is really great.”
“Do you believe now?”
“Yes. The words of someone loved by the innocent spirits can be trusted.”
It was time to move on to the main topic at hand.
If one weren’t a pathetic F-rank Hero, but a True Hero, this scenario was very easy.
“A soul spirit whispered to me that you like me more than just a friend.”
“What? That can’t be…”
“Are you saying that an innocent spirit lied? Oh! Look. Your distrust has made the spirits uncomfortable.”
“Well…”
“Say it again.”
“I don’t really follow… Oh!”
A wind spirit pushed the hesitating elf’s back.
As if it were the cover of a love story, the elf fell into Hero V’s arms.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh, yes… Ah?”
A fire spirit increased the air’s temperature around us, causing her body to feel hot.
As a result, she became unable to move due to dizziness.
“You seem to have a fever…”
“This is… Ah?!”
A water spirit, who also wanted my praise, joined the show.
It dampened the thin piece of white cloth wrapped between the fairy’s thighs.
The elf, who had mistaken this for a physiological phenomenon, began to blush.
“Can you move on your own?”
“Of course … Oh!”
An earth spirit then made the soil stick to the sole of the elf’s shoes, making it difficult for her to move.
Because of this, she couldn’t even take a few steps on her own. Instead, she fell to the ground, sweating profusely.”
“Would you like my help?”
“… Yes. Please.”
Grasping Hero V’s firm hand, the elf shuddered.
Her heart beat faster.
A soul spirit, squeezed within it, did its work.
Her body began to actively release pheromones and hormones.
“Let’s go.”
“Ah, wait a second! I… I need a place where I can change…” said the elf, her voice languid.
My task here was done.
“No problem.”
If Sieg hadn’t escaped yet, he should be setting up camp now.
***
“This is ridiculous… this must be a dream… this is too ridiculous…”
Revelation 5:8.
A foolish heretic who did not believe in Mollan saw a miracle so grand he found himself shocked at the impossibility of the situation.
That was exactly what happened to Sieg.
“Do not look away, junior. Witness the truth before you and accept that you are still far too young and inexperienced. This is the cruel reality. If everyone were like you, humanity would die out.”
“Kh!”
The elf who claimed that she wanted to change was in Hero V’s arms and had even lost the piece of cloth that was on her before.
Innocent spirits hovered joyfully around us.
“And you call this a camp, Sieg? What have you been doing in the past 200 years? What I tasked you with was the basics of the basics.”
“Well, Sylvia…”
“I suppose you bought her at the slave market too?”
“…”
Sieg could not answer.
At that moment, the elf intervened.
“Since you didn’t destroy the slave market, many elves still suffer!”
“This is a misunderstanding! I was going to save them later!”
“That’s what everyone says.”
“I am different from them!”
“You all look and sound the same to me. The innocent spirits agree as well.”
They nodded in unison.
The judges who listened to us found Sieg guilty of all charges, causing his expression to darken even more.
I looked at the stones and branches scattered around.
“This is the first time I’ve seen a hero so detached from reality… I have seen worse, of course, so it’s still too early to commit suicide.”
“Oh…”
“But what kind of girl would date a hero who can’t even set up camp? There’s no hope for you.”
Bang!
Hero Sieg suddenly fell to his knees, hitting the ground with his forehead.
“Senior, please, please teach me the basics of love.”
It was at this time that Disco and Green Cake found us, joining the party.
Frowning, Green Cake immediately pushed the elf aside.
“H-hik?!”
Embracing me with his arms, he greeted me in his female form:
“Father—I mean big brother! I’m so glad to see you.”
“I know, but take a step back. This is disgusting.”
“Hehe…”
At that moment, Sieg shouted again in a desperate voice:
“Teacher! I want to know true love!”
Good.
Dr. Love would teach him using Spartan methods.
[23rd Round] The Essence of Love
“Who the hell are you?!”
“Your savior. If not for me, you would have died.”
“I didn’t ask to be saved by you… Kh-kh?!”
“Then die.”
“W-wait!”
In order not to reveal my true identity, I refrained from grabbing his vertebrae, but he ran into it himself.
However, the limitations of my mechanical body immediately made themselves known. I squeezed his neck between his 6th and 7th vertebrae, but Sieg’s body was too strong.
If so…
Fshuh!
I dragged my cocky junior to the lake and dipped his head into the water.
Before he could completely suffocate, I let him take one breath, then submerged his head again. I repeated this process over and over.
“How do you like the water?”
“I was wrong… Pha! Sorry… Pha!”
“Drink to your heart’s content. Don’t be shy. This is the manifestation of your senior’s love.”
“Kh-kha…”
After a while, having decided that he was ready to communicate properly, I let him go.
“Junior Sieg.”
“Yes! Senior!”
“I don’t really want to do this because I have my own matters to take care of, but since you badly need my help, I’ve decided to accompany you on the way.”
“Huh? I don’t… Yes! Yes, senior! I desperately need your help!”
“Good. I’ll help you.”
“Yeah, well…”
Hero V managed to join Hero Sieg’s squad.
Now for the next step.
“Sieg, we will set up camp here until your companions find us.”
“Alright.”
“Get ready.”
“Yes … Huh?”
Camping without a flush toilet is awful, but he needed to learn to be self-sufficient.
“Well … If you hire a companion that’s good at housekeeping, your problems will be solved.”
“Oh.”
Sieg was trying to resist my teachings, but not because he decided to rebel. It was just his way of thinking.
Did he want to find a companion for every chore he found a hassle to do?
That was the same way of thinking as that of the locals. They pleased the Hero to make him voluntarily solve all their problems.
My sense of justice flashed in my chest!
“How many years have you been a hero, Sieg?”
“200 years. I’m sure I have more experience than you.”
Shameless sucker! He rounded up 195 years!
I calmed myself down, knowing I had to be patient.
“More than mine? Listen, you stupid kid. I have over 2,000 years of experience! I’ve been around even before flush toilets and Mollan’s Teachings became widespread in this world.”
“…”
“Judging by your expression, you want proof, don’t you? Alright. I will demonstrate them to you later when the time is right.”
“Why did you suddenly ask about my experience, though?”
“I don’t want you to doubt the teachings of your great senior because of your pitiful experience.”
“This is stupid…”
“If you continue to get on my nerves, I will force you to breed with the orcs until you become pregnant.”
“…”
Sieg’s expression, distorted from discontent and distrust, immediately changed.
Now he looked finally ready to learn.
“Find a suitable place to camp. It should be dry but not too close to water. If it rains at night, it could flood the camp. However, make sure it isn’t too far away from it either, so you have easy access to drinking water. Choose a location that is above the water level and close to it. Usually, you don’t need to worry about this because mercenaries and hunters leave their camps behind, but when you explore places nobody ever visits like this, you have to solve all these problems yourself. (Omitted) Elves, who pretend to love trees, offer to camp under the arches of trees, but hit them hard on the head if they do. Such locations are good places to be assassinated, after all. Hence, open space is best. I’ve got a lot more to say, but I’ll do it next time.”
“No!”
“Then get to it. I’ll judge how good the location you pick will be.”
“Yes!”
He immediately got down to business.
However, having lived 195 years in Fantasy, he couldn’t easily get rid of his acquired chronic disease.
He was obsessed with elves.
“Sorry, lovely elven lady. I want to pick up the branches you stepped on.”
“Oh! I beg your pardon.”
“I also want to collect the stones on which you are now standing. I chose this fragrant place where the lady was staying for camp.”
“Really?”
The embarrassed elf retreated and tried to get rid of the lustful Sieg.
However, not noticing her rejection, he continued his advances.
“Where did you come from?”
“The north. We all explore remote areas in search of medicinal herbs to heal His Majesty Elfheim.”
“Elfheim… He is very popular with the elven ladies. But he is better than me only because he has royal blood.”
“If you insult His Majesty again, I will not forgive you!”
“Oh, I apologize. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just stating facts… Oh. I’m sorry! Talk to me a little more…”
“Stay away. Tsk! I don’t want anything to do with you!”
The elf hastily departed.
Blushing in shame, Sieg muttered, “What’s wrong with her? Why does she treat me like I’m some kind of pervert? I save them from difficult situations and slave markets… This situation reminded me of Munchkin! Damn it! Damn it all! One day, I’ll have a normal relationship with a cute elf too!”
Sieg remembered the photo I sent again.
He might want to run away.
What should I do?
At that moment, I realized the elf looking for medicinal herbs hadn’t yet managed to get far.
… I had no other choice.
It looked like I was going to have to use the carrot and stick strategy.
“Forgive me, elven madam.”
“Will you also pester me like that man?”
“I am a friend of His Majesty Elfheim. The spirits can attest to it. Any clever elf knows that spirits don’t lie.
“Well, I know that! I’m not stupid… Wait! Are you really a friend of His Majesty Elfheim?”
“If you cannot believe it, ask this innocent spirit. Hey, spirit. Let me begin our conversation by saying you have a prettier cloaca than the lazy First Spirit.”
Fshuh!
Spirit A, who liked my sincere praise, smiled brightly.
The other spirits then gathered around me, begging for praise.
There was no demonic pheromone in Hero V’s body that made the spirits sniff me all day, but I had been sexually harassed for 200 years. Hence, I had learned how to deal with them.
“Wow… Your affinity for spirits is really great.”
“Do you believe now?”
“Yes. The words of someone loved by the innocent spirits can be trusted.”
It was time to move on to the main topic at hand.
If one weren’t a pathetic F-rank Hero, but a True Hero, this scenario was very easy.
“A soul spirit whispered to me that you like me more than just a friend.”
“What? That can’t be…”
“Are you saying that an innocent spirit lied? Oh! Look. Your distrust has made the spirits uncomfortable.”
“Well…”
“Say it again.”
“I don’t really follow… Oh!”
A wind spirit pushed the hesitating elf’s back.
As if it were the cover of a love story, the elf fell into Hero V’s arms.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh, yes… Ah?”
A fire spirit increased the air’s temperature around us, causing her body to feel hot.
As a result, she became unable to move due to dizziness.
“You seem to have a fever…”
“This is… Ah?!”
A water spirit, who also wanted my praise, joined the show.
It dampened the thin piece of white cloth wrapped between the fairy’s thighs.
The elf, who had mistaken this for a physiological phenomenon, began to blush.
“Can you move on your own?”
“Of course … Oh!”
An earth spirit then made the soil stick to the sole of the elf’s shoes, making it difficult for her to move.
Because of this, she couldn’t even take a few steps on her own. Instead, she fell to the ground, sweating profusely.”
“Would you like my help?”
“… Yes. Please.”
Grasping Hero V’s firm hand, the elf shuddered.
Her heart beat faster.
A soul spirit, squeezed within it, did its work.
Her body began to actively release pheromones and hormones.
“Let’s go.”
“Ah, wait a second! I… I need a place where I can change…” said the elf, her voice languid.
My task here was done.
“No problem.”
If Sieg hadn’t escaped yet, he should be setting up camp now.
***
“This is ridiculous… this must be a dream… this is too ridiculous…”
Revelation 5:8.
A foolish heretic who did not believe in Mollan saw a miracle so grand he found himself shocked at the impossibility of the situation.
That was exactly what happened to Sieg.
“Do not look away, junior. Witness the truth before you and accept that you are still far too young and inexperienced. This is the cruel reality. If everyone were like you, humanity would die out.”
“Kh!”
The elf who claimed that she wanted to change was in Hero V’s arms and had even lost the piece of cloth that was on her before.
Innocent spirits hovered joyfully around us.
“And you call this a camp, Sieg? What have you been doing in the past 200 years? What I tasked you with was the basics of the basics.”
“Well, Sylvia…”
“I suppose you bought her at the slave market too?”
“…”
Sieg could not answer.
At that moment, the elf intervened.
“Since you didn’t destroy the slave market, many elves still suffer!”
“This is a misunderstanding! I was going to save them later!”
“That’s what everyone says.”
“I am different from them!”
“You all look and sound the same to me. The innocent spirits agree as well.”
They nodded in unison.
The judges who listened to us found Sieg guilty of all charges, causing his expression to darken even more.
I looked at the stones and branches scattered around.
“This is the first time I’ve seen a hero so detached from reality… I have seen worse, of course, so it’s still too early to commit suicide.”
“Oh…”
“But what kind of girl would date a hero who can’t even set up camp? There’s no hope for you.”
Bang!
Hero Sieg suddenly fell to his knees, hitting the ground with his forehead.
“Senior, please, please teach me the basics of love.”
It was at this time that Disco and Green Cake found us, joining the party.
Frowning, Green Cake immediately pushed the elf aside.
“H-hik?!”
Embracing me with his arms, he greeted me in his female form:
“Father—I mean big brother! I’m so glad to see you.”
“I know, but take a step back. This is disgusting.”
“Hehe…”
At that moment, Sieg shouted again in a desperate voice:
“Teacher! I want to know true love!”
Good.
Dr. Love would teach him using Spartan methods.
