“I love you, Kosaki. Could you go out with me?”
“Eh? … Eh!? … Eeeh!?”
Library room after school.
Seizing the opportunity when we were alone, I confessed to Kosaki.
I could only come up with the conventional words, so I went at it straightforwardly.
After all I may not have the talent for writing, I was surprisingly calm to be thinking that.
It seems Kosaki didn’t understand the meaning at first, but as it gradually permeated her brain her turmoil became apparent.
“Eh? Love… not as a friend?”
“Yup. In a romantic sense”
“… After all it was true that Rei-chan is into girls?”
“I don’t know if I’m only into girls. But, right now I love Kosaki”
I can’t withdraw here.
Because Kosaki is weak against pressure, if possible I wanted to use the momentum to make her nod .
I piled up my words.
“Does Kosaki not have fun with me?”
“No such thing!”
“Do you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you. But…”
“So perhaps we’re on the same wavelength?”
“Pe, perhaps, but…”
Yet, Kosaki didn’t give me a favorable reply.
I was flustered.
That’s why, I was pleased by what Kosaki said next.
“I’d like a little time… I guess. Is it bad if I don’t reply right now?”
“Not at all. It’s much better than being rejected here, Think about it carefully”
“Yup. Thank you”
“Nah. I should thank you for listening to something so sudden”
The two of us for some reason laughed together.
“After all, were you surprised?”
“Well, of course. Because, I thought if Rei-chan were to confess to a girl the other party would be Katano-san”
“Shiiko-san?”
“Aren’t you getting along well recently?”
“Well, we aren’t on bad terms”
But, I don’t have romantic feelings for Shiiko-san.
“… Did you know Katano-san is actually Misaki-chan’s childhood friend?”
“Eh, really?”
“Yup. Somehow, it sounds all sorts of complicated”
“In what way?”
“That’s all I can say… Perhaps if you ask Katano-san she’ll tell you more”
Well, I’m not that interested.
“For now, let’s close the library room. It’s already the time to close”
“Ah, right. Rei-chan, could you turn over the doorplate?”
“Okay”
As I was leaving Kosaki’s side I was a little relieved.
Even though I confessed, our conversation hasn’t changed from how they’ve been.
There’s no awkwardness either.
I thought in that case I may have a chance.
I was naïve.
I was absurdly naïve.
My first love made me so merry I couldn’t see anything around me.
I’d pay for that on the next day already.
◆◇◆◇◆
“Good morning”
I always say this when I enter the classroom.
Although naturally I receive no reply from Misaki’s group who are excluding me, a few neutral students do reply.
Until today.
“?”
There’s not a single reply today.
Thinking about it now, I should have noticed at that point, but I was being foolish because of the post-confession high.
I tilted my head in puzzlement and went to my seat.
And, there a desk covered with scribbles awaited me.
“What’s… this?”
A dry voice leaked out.
On the desk, words were densely written with a permanent marker.
Only one phrase was written there, over and over.
――Oohashi Rei is a lesbian.
“!”
In panic I searched for Kosaki.
Kosaki was at the side of Misaki who was making a vulgar smile, and averted her eyes.
Then, I understood everything.
Kosaki must’ve told Misaki.
Come to think of it, if something as serious as being confessed by the same sex happened, Kosaki would want to consult about it with someone.
And, at that time, the first name that would come to her mind would naturally be Misaki.
Furthermore, it should have been obvious that Misaki who was asked for advice would deal with it in her own way.
This situation is not due to Kosaki.
No, I’m not saying she’s 100% innocent, but the one most at fault was myself for acting without thinking.
I finally realized how the reality is.
The reality isn’t beautiful like a novel.
Friendship isn’t always protected.
Homosexuals aren’t easily understood.
And above all, love doesn’t bear fruit easily.
I have no memory of what happened from then for a while.
◆◇◆◇◆
“Rei-san, are you okay?”
The first thing I remember after regaining consciousness was Shiiko-san’s face sporting an anxious expression.
It was already after school.
In the classroom illuminated by the setting sun, I was sitting at my desk.
Before I noticed, all the scribbles disappeared.
Later I heard that Shiiko-san had raised a protest to have it replaced.
“Shiiko-san…”
“Terrible. Such things can’t be allowed”
Shiiko-san expressed her anger.
She’d defended me against each and every numerous unfair treatment and attack I’d received.
“Thank you, Shiiko-san”
“To thank me…”
Shiiko-san’s eyes when she said that were somehow moist.
I got to know the meaning of that soon.
“Hey, Rei-san. If it can’t be Uchiyama-san, can’t it be me?”
Uchiyama-san is Kosaki’s surname.
I recalled that immediately, but I couldn’t comprehend what Shiiko-san said.
“I love Rei-san”
Perhaps sensing my appearance of incomprehension, Shiiko-san rephrased in simpler words.
This time, even I understood, despite my extremely decreased understanding capacity.
“Me…?”
“Yup”
Shiiko-san nodded and tried hugging me.
If this was a novel, I might have come to love Shiiko-san.
But, at that time my emotions became cold as ice, and I felt nothing.
On the contrary, ah, Shiiko-san first started talking to me to separate me from Misaki’s group, I had such strangely composed thoughts.
I thrust Shiiko-san away.
“… Rei-san”
“Sorry”
Saying just that, I ran away from the spot.
Too many things happened, I’ve already reached my limit.
I didn’t want to think about anything, so I just left the spot.
When I came home, I shut myself in my room without eating dinner and simply kept crying.
I thought everything in the world was full of malice.
◆◇◆◇◆
I didn’t go to school for some time since then.
Naturally my parents were worried, but I couldn’t explain my sexual orientation, afraid of them distancing themselves from me like my classmates.
Therefore, I couldn’t even tell my parents about bullying (if it can be called that) that was the reason I wasn’t going to school.
It was about a month of not attending school when I opened my heart to my parents.
“I see…”
When they listened to my story, mother seemed surprised at first, but instantly recovered and hugged me tightly.
“We might not be able to understand you fully. But, we’ll always be on your side”
I’ll never forget mother’s words at that time.
Without those words, I probably wouldn’t have been able to recover.
Father had a difficult face and didn’t say anything, but several days later, he took me to a meeting for relatives of homosexuals.
I was overjoyed to know father was trying to educate himself.
Thanks to my parents’ support, my absence from school ended after two months.
Listening to the stories of other homosexuals, I felt like I became unbound by something.
Bearing in mind that there are people whose worries about their homosexuality don’t improve their whole lives, I felt that I was truly lucky.
Even so, this first love will always remain a thorn in my heart.
“I love you, Kosaki. Could you go out with me?”
“Eh? … Eh!? … Eeeh!?”
Library room after school.
Seizing the opportunity when we were alone, I confessed to Kosaki.
I could only come up with the conventional words, so I went at it straightforwardly.
After all I may not have the talent for writing, I was surprisingly calm to be thinking that.
It seems Kosaki didn’t understand the meaning at first, but as it gradually permeated her brain her turmoil became apparent.
“Eh? Love… not as a friend?”
“Yup. In a romantic sense”
“… After all it was true that Rei-chan is into girls?”
“I don’t know if I’m only into girls. But, right now I love Kosaki”
I can’t withdraw here.
Because Kosaki is weak against pressure, if possible I wanted to use the momentum to make her nod .
I piled up my words.
“Does Kosaki not have fun with me?”
“No such thing!”
“Do you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you. But…”
“So perhaps we’re on the same wavelength?”
“Pe, perhaps, but…”
Yet, Kosaki didn’t give me a favorable reply.
I was flustered.
That’s why, I was pleased by what Kosaki said next.
“I’d like a little time… I guess. Is it bad if I don’t reply right now?”
“Not at all. It’s much better than being rejected here, Think about it carefully”
“Yup. Thank you”
“Nah. I should thank you for listening to something so sudden”
The two of us for some reason laughed together.
“After all, were you surprised?”
“Well, of course. Because, I thought if Rei-chan were to confess to a girl the other party would be Katano-san”
“Shiiko-san?”
“Aren’t you getting along well recently?”
“Well, we aren’t on bad terms”
But, I don’t have romantic feelings for Shiiko-san.
“… Did you know Katano-san is actually Misaki-chan’s childhood friend?”
“Eh, really?”
“Yup. Somehow, it sounds all sorts of complicated”
“In what way?”
“That’s all I can say… Perhaps if you ask Katano-san she’ll tell you more”
Well, I’m not that interested.
“For now, let’s close the library room. It’s already the time to close”
“Ah, right. Rei-chan, could you turn over the doorplate?”
“Okay”
As I was leaving Kosaki’s side I was a little relieved.
Even though I confessed, our conversation hasn’t changed from how they’ve been.
There’s no awkwardness either.
I thought in that case I may have a chance.
I was naïve.
I was absurdly naïve.
My first love made me so merry I couldn’t see anything around me.
I’d pay for that on the next day already.
◆◇◆◇◆
“Good morning”
I always say this when I enter the classroom.
Although naturally I receive no reply from Misaki’s group who are excluding me, a few neutral students do reply.
Until today.
“?”
There’s not a single reply today.
Thinking about it now, I should have noticed at that point, but I was being foolish because of the post-confession high.
I tilted my head in puzzlement and went to my seat.
And, there a desk covered with scribbles awaited me.
“What’s… this?”
A dry voice leaked out.
On the desk, words were densely written with a permanent marker.
Only one phrase was written there, over and over.
――Oohashi Rei is a lesbian.
“!”
In panic I searched for Kosaki.
Kosaki was at the side of Misaki who was making a vulgar smile, and averted her eyes.
Then, I understood everything.
Kosaki must’ve told Misaki.
Come to think of it, if something as serious as being confessed by the same sex happened, Kosaki would want to consult about it with someone.
And, at that time, the first name that would come to her mind would naturally be Misaki.
Furthermore, it should have been obvious that Misaki who was asked for advice would deal with it in her own way.
This situation is not due to Kosaki.
No, I’m not saying she’s 100% innocent, but the one most at fault was myself for acting without thinking.
I finally realized how the reality is.
The reality isn’t beautiful like a novel.
Friendship isn’t always protected.
Homosexuals aren’t easily understood.
And above all, love doesn’t bear fruit easily.
I have no memory of what happened from then for a while.
◆◇◆◇◆
“Rei-san, are you okay?”
The first thing I remember after regaining consciousness was Shiiko-san’s face sporting an anxious expression.
It was already after school.
In the classroom illuminated by the setting sun, I was sitting at my desk.
Before I noticed, all the scribbles disappeared.
Later I heard that Shiiko-san had raised a protest to have it replaced.
“Shiiko-san…”
“Terrible. Such things can’t be allowed”
Shiiko-san expressed her anger.
She’d defended me against each and every numerous unfair treatment and attack I’d received.
“Thank you, Shiiko-san”
“To thank me…”
Shiiko-san’s eyes when she said that were somehow moist.
I got to know the meaning of that soon.
“Hey, Rei-san. If it can’t be Uchiyama-san, can’t it be me?”
Uchiyama-san is Kosaki’s surname.
I recalled that immediately, but I couldn’t comprehend what Shiiko-san said.
“I love Rei-san”
Perhaps sensing my appearance of incomprehension, Shiiko-san rephrased in simpler words.
This time, even I understood, despite my extremely decreased understanding capacity.
“Me…?”
“Yup”
Shiiko-san nodded and tried hugging me.
If this was a novel, I might have come to love Shiiko-san.
But, at that time my emotions became cold as ice, and I felt nothing.
On the contrary, ah, Shiiko-san first started talking to me to separate me from Misaki’s group, I had such strangely composed thoughts.
I thrust Shiiko-san away.
“… Rei-san”
“Sorry”
Saying just that, I ran away from the spot.
Too many things happened, I’ve already reached my limit.
I didn’t want to think about anything, so I just left the spot.
When I came home, I shut myself in my room without eating dinner and simply kept crying.
I thought everything in the world was full of malice.
◆◇◆◇◆
I didn’t go to school for some time since then.
Naturally my parents were worried, but I couldn’t explain my sexual orientation, afraid of them distancing themselves from me like my classmates.
Therefore, I couldn’t even tell my parents about bullying (if it can be called that) that was the reason I wasn’t going to school.
It was about a month of not attending school when I opened my heart to my parents.
“I see…”
When they listened to my story, mother seemed surprised at first, but instantly recovered and hugged me tightly.
“We might not be able to understand you fully. But, we’ll always be on your side”
I’ll never forget mother’s words at that time.
Without those words, I probably wouldn’t have been able to recover.
Father had a difficult face and didn’t say anything, but several days later, he took me to a meeting for relatives of homosexuals.
I was overjoyed to know father was trying to educate himself.
Thanks to my parents’ support, my absence from school ended after two months.
Listening to the stories of other homosexuals, I felt like I became unbound by something.
Bearing in mind that there are people whose worries about their homosexuality don’t improve their whole lives, I felt that I was truly lucky.
Even so, this first love will always remain a thorn in my heart.
