Chapter 546: Self Loathing
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Back in the marshlands, the lizardmen were having a party. The cause for festivity was obvious. There were all sorts of native cuisine being served for the occasion. Most of these dishes were fish-based and the orcs were loving them.
"These are delicious!" Shel cried out munching happily on an entire fish. It had been cooked to perfection so Shel forgot her manners. Sharog was similarly enjoying the food but unlike Shel, she seemed much more refined. She ate the fish with her hands as was intended but in a surprisingly clean manner.
"This juice is great too!" Dakgu pitched in and said after letting out a satisfied sigh. The orc blood fruit juice and wine were exhausting to drink after the umpteenth time.
While the orcs enjoyed the food and drink from exotic fruits, the surviving lizardmen sat by the docks and told stories of their survival.
"You know, I was lucky" One such lizardman started. The listeners perked their ears hoping to not miss a single detail and this proved to be a good idea on their part. They were left in awe!
...That was mainly because the lizardman didn't miss the chance to embellish a single detail.
They especially made sure to not downplay the efforts of Dakgu and Var Agus who were at the forefront of the battle.
"I couldn't move! I couldn't move! I thought I was dead. That we were all dead!" The lizardman said causing the listeners to be left in suspense. How could they survive this!? Didn't it seem impossible?
But their question was quickly answered.
"God's mighty steed roared as it pulled the ship out of the electrifying water with sheer strength. Its gigantic wings brought the ship and therefore us further and further into the sky almost effortlessly!" Their reason for living was revealed and the lizardmen continued to listen in hoping to see how the main issue was then resolved.
"God's envoy, they were crucial for avenging our fallen brothers" The lizardmen said before introducing the brave and gallant Dakgu's final mighty deed.
"And then bam! Like lightning, he destroyed the…" The story reached its climax and it was followed by audible gasps of surprise and even some words of adulation. That was because they had all been shocked by the amazing resolution.
"Yes… It was a sight to behold… It's too bad that some present didn't get to see it..." The lizardman finally added their words drenched in sorrow.
The festive occasion would be dubbed as the day of blood in commemoration of those whose blood was lost that day. The festivity didn't sound very joyous with such a name but that was because… it wasn't...
Following the exorbitant eating and the sharing of drinks in the wet docks of the marshlands, everyone was left with emptiness come morning.
It was mourning.
Now that things could go back to normal the lizardmen were made keenly aware of those that were missing and they had to come to terms with the fact that they wouldn't return.
That was why what they felt was mourning. Their population had taken a serious hit and it was impossible to not notice the empty houses and silent docks.
Var Agus was the one most affected by this. He felt a great sense of inadequacy after being confronted with the number of lives lost.
"If only I had the will and ability…" If he followed their God's first plan the blood clot would have died in a single strike. It would have been a swift end unbefitting of the cruel beast yet...
Someone else took the spotlight. The highlight of the battle that could have been his own was stolen from him due to his inability.
Var Agus clearly suffered from a horrible mental illness.
Self-doubt and loathing.
Var Agus felt depressed but he hated that he did because this depression felt unjustified. The emotions in Var's mind were turbid despite his best efforts.
"Why…" Hadn't he already overcome this illness? Hadn't he already resolved himself to push forward with the help of their god? Yet, there was deep seethed frustration that Var couldn't get himself rid of.
Var Agus was a hero in the eyes of the lizardmen but he wasn't feeling heroic. The fact that all the lizardmen saw him as such, not just those in his tribe, was a good thing. But Var Agus couldn't be happy knowing this goal he was working towards was built atop a mountain of needless sacrifices.
But fortunately, the post-action blues that Var Agus was suffering from had a cure.
"Var, what are you thinking about?" Yoashk asked approaching Var from behind. They were both standing on the dock next to the village's chief hut.
"Useless things" Var Agus said hiding his frustration.
Yoashk raised an eye thanks to this response and let out a sigh.
"Var, you are the leader of the tribe and that means that the people depend on you" This time it wasn't Yoashk who spoke but A.
"Similarly, as a leader, you need to rely on your people" For a leader was not a leader without a group, and if they insisted otherwise they were delusional.
Var Agus savored these words, they tasted bitter. Could they really apply to his situation? It wasn't that simple, right?
"...I don't understand" Var Agus decided to come clean.
"How can that help?" What did relying on his people have to do with his state of mind?
"That's because when you realize that your people are an extension of your strength, you can't compare yourself anymore" Why did Dakgu do what he did? Was it not because he was instructed to do so? Could he have utilized his strength that way if Ed did not provide him with advice?
Obviously not. Everyone would have died.
"As a leader, you need to give your subordinates strength" The strength of wisdom and strategy would never fall lesser to raw power, they were at least always equal in might.
A could be said to be leading by example in this situation but his words did not resolve the cloudy emotions in Var Agus' mind. He couldn't connect the two matters at all.
There was thus a moment of prolonged silence.
"You complete them, you need to think of yourself as part of a whole" While not all of Var Agus' thoughts and plans ended up working, it could be said that he did the best he could with the information he was provided.
Var Agus finally seemed to understand something. The reason why he felt so… empty… It was because he was unwilling to accept his faults.
Yes, he didn't have to have the fighting capability of Dakgu. He didn't need raw power to become a capable leader. But… did accepting his faults mean accepting the sacrifices?
"You planned to die there, but you fought and lived. You already surpassed expectations" Everyone who stayed behind to fight the beast did so without a plan. There was no concrete plan other than hope for the best and follow the will of God!
Var Agus and the others had gone in with zero expectation of returning alive, they had indeed exceeded expectations. This was the good outcome, not the bad one.
"It might not be the best outcome, but you are right. This is the outcome they fought for" Var Agus said finally letting go of his turbid emotions. He had no doubts that these dark emotions would return, and while Var Agus didn't know when they would return, he felt more prepared now.
"Yoashk" Var Agus suddenly called out.
"Huh? Ah, yes?" Yoashk asked confused.
"Let's get to work" The festivities were over and it was time to get the marshlands back on track. With the addition of the orcs, there was a lot to prepare for.
"We need to take advantage of our visitors" The magic of Sharog and Dakgu were interesting tools that if they managed to grab a hold of would increase the strength of the race as a whole.
Var Agus could tell that as things stood the lizardmen might not be able to beat both Dakgu and Sharog. If they had a magician lizardman in their race, however… it was easy to foresee their side as the victor considering the lizardmen's strong racial features.
"How are we going to do that?" Yoashk asked confused again.
"A cultural exchange" Var Agus responded before finally moving from his position and starting to work his way towards his chiefly tent.
The lizardmen had a lot to learn from the orcs and it wasn't impossible for the other way around to also be true. Of course, since Ed had helped the orcs tremendously the lizardmen were actually behind in terms of technology.
Still, Var Agus believed there had to be something the lizardmen could teach the orcs to have both sides benefit from exchanging their culture.
It just so happened that Sharog shared the same thoughts. Given that the flora and fauna of the marshlands were so rich Sharog needed to talk to Var Agus and speak about some sort of cooperation between both races.
If talks were successful new products and jobs would enter Sanctuary.
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Back in the marshlands, the lizardmen were having a party. The cause for festivity was obvious. There were all sorts of native cuisine being served for the occasion. Most of these dishes were fish-based and the orcs were loving them.
"These are delicious!" Shel cried out munching happily on an entire fish. It had been cooked to perfection so Shel forgot her manners. Sharog was similarly enjoying the food but unlike Shel, she seemed much more refined. She ate the fish with her hands as was intended but in a surprisingly clean manner.
"This juice is great too!" Dakgu pitched in and said after letting out a satisfied sigh. The orc blood fruit juice and wine were exhausting to drink after the umpteenth time.
While the orcs enjoyed the food and drink from exotic fruits, the surviving lizardmen sat by the docks and told stories of their survival.
"You know, I was lucky" One such lizardman started. The listeners perked their ears hoping to not miss a single detail and this proved to be a good idea on their part. They were left in awe!
...That was mainly because the lizardman didn't miss the chance to embellish a single detail.
They especially made sure to not downplay the efforts of Dakgu and Var Agus who were at the forefront of the battle.
"I couldn't move! I couldn't move! I thought I was dead. That we were all dead!" The lizardman said causing the listeners to be left in suspense. How could they survive this!? Didn't it seem impossible?
But their question was quickly answered.
"God's mighty steed roared as it pulled the ship out of the electrifying water with sheer strength. Its gigantic wings brought the ship and therefore us further and further into the sky almost effortlessly!" Their reason for living was revealed and the lizardmen continued to listen in hoping to see how the main issue was then resolved.
"God's envoy, they were crucial for avenging our fallen brothers" The lizardmen said before introducing the brave and gallant Dakgu's final mighty deed.
"And then bam! Like lightning, he destroyed the…" The story reached its climax and it was followed by audible gasps of surprise and even some words of adulation. That was because they had all been shocked by the amazing resolution.
"Yes… It was a sight to behold… It's too bad that some present didn't get to see it..." The lizardman finally added their words drenched in sorrow.
The festive occasion would be dubbed as the day of blood in commemoration of those whose blood was lost that day. The festivity didn't sound very joyous with such a name but that was because… it wasn't...
Following the exorbitant eating and the sharing of drinks in the wet docks of the marshlands, everyone was left with emptiness come morning.
It was mourning.
Now that things could go back to normal the lizardmen were made keenly aware of those that were missing and they had to come to terms with the fact that they wouldn't return.
That was why what they felt was mourning. Their population had taken a serious hit and it was impossible to not notice the empty houses and silent docks.
Var Agus was the one most affected by this. He felt a great sense of inadequacy after being confronted with the number of lives lost.
"If only I had the will and ability…" If he followed their God's first plan the blood clot would have died in a single strike. It would have been a swift end unbefitting of the cruel beast yet...
Someone else took the spotlight. The highlight of the battle that could have been his own was stolen from him due to his inability.
Var Agus clearly suffered from a horrible mental illness.
Self-doubt and loathing.
Var Agus felt depressed but he hated that he did because this depression felt unjustified. The emotions in Var's mind were turbid despite his best efforts.
"Why…" Hadn't he already overcome this illness? Hadn't he already resolved himself to push forward with the help of their god? Yet, there was deep seethed frustration that Var couldn't get himself rid of.
Var Agus was a hero in the eyes of the lizardmen but he wasn't feeling heroic. The fact that all the lizardmen saw him as such, not just those in his tribe, was a good thing. But Var Agus couldn't be happy knowing this goal he was working towards was built atop a mountain of needless sacrifices.
But fortunately, the post-action blues that Var Agus was suffering from had a cure.
"Var, what are you thinking about?" Yoashk asked approaching Var from behind. They were both standing on the dock next to the village's chief hut.
"Useless things" Var Agus said hiding his frustration.
Yoashk raised an eye thanks to this response and let out a sigh.
"Var, you are the leader of the tribe and that means that the people depend on you" This time it wasn't Yoashk who spoke but A.
"Similarly, as a leader, you need to rely on your people" For a leader was not a leader without a group, and if they insisted otherwise they were delusional.
Var Agus savored these words, they tasted bitter. Could they really apply to his situation? It wasn't that simple, right?
"...I don't understand" Var Agus decided to come clean.
"How can that help?" What did relying on his people have to do with his state of mind?
"That's because when you realize that your people are an extension of your strength, you can't compare yourself anymore" Why did Dakgu do what he did? Was it not because he was instructed to do so? Could he have utilized his strength that way if Ed did not provide him with advice?
Obviously not. Everyone would have died.
"As a leader, you need to give your subordinates strength" The strength of wisdom and strategy would never fall lesser to raw power, they were at least always equal in might.
A could be said to be leading by example in this situation but his words did not resolve the cloudy emotions in Var Agus' mind. He couldn't connect the two matters at all.
There was thus a moment of prolonged silence.
"You complete them, you need to think of yourself as part of a whole" While not all of Var Agus' thoughts and plans ended up working, it could be said that he did the best he could with the information he was provided.
Var Agus finally seemed to understand something. The reason why he felt so… empty… It was because he was unwilling to accept his faults.
Yes, he didn't have to have the fighting capability of Dakgu. He didn't need raw power to become a capable leader. But… did accepting his faults mean accepting the sacrifices?
"You planned to die there, but you fought and lived. You already surpassed expectations" Everyone who stayed behind to fight the beast did so without a plan. There was no concrete plan other than hope for the best and follow the will of God!
Var Agus and the others had gone in with zero expectation of returning alive, they had indeed exceeded expectations. This was the good outcome, not the bad one.
"It might not be the best outcome, but you are right. This is the outcome they fought for" Var Agus said finally letting go of his turbid emotions. He had no doubts that these dark emotions would return, and while Var Agus didn't know when they would return, he felt more prepared now.
"Yoashk" Var Agus suddenly called out.
"Huh? Ah, yes?" Yoashk asked confused.
"Let's get to work" The festivities were over and it was time to get the marshlands back on track. With the addition of the orcs, there was a lot to prepare for.
"We need to take advantage of our visitors" The magic of Sharog and Dakgu were interesting tools that if they managed to grab a hold of would increase the strength of the race as a whole.
Var Agus could tell that as things stood the lizardmen might not be able to beat both Dakgu and Sharog. If they had a magician lizardman in their race, however… it was easy to foresee their side as the victor considering the lizardmen's strong racial features.
"How are we going to do that?" Yoashk asked confused again.
"A cultural exchange" Var Agus responded before finally moving from his position and starting to work his way towards his chiefly tent.
The lizardmen had a lot to learn from the orcs and it wasn't impossible for the other way around to also be true. Of course, since Ed had helped the orcs tremendously the lizardmen were actually behind in terms of technology.
Still, Var Agus believed there had to be something the lizardmen could teach the orcs to have both sides benefit from exchanging their culture.
It just so happened that Sharog shared the same thoughts. Given that the flora and fauna of the marshlands were so rich Sharog needed to talk to Var Agus and speak about some sort of cooperation between both races.
If talks were successful new products and jobs would enter Sanctuary.
Back in the marshlands, the lizardmen were having a party. The cause for festivity was obvious. There were all sorts of native cuisine being served for the occasion. Most of these dishes were fish-based and the orcs were loving them."These are delicious!" Shel cried out munching happily on an entire fish. It had been cooked to perfection so Shel forgot her manners. Sharog was similarly enjoying the food but unlike Shel, she seemed much more refined. She ate the fish with her hands as was intended but in a surprisingly clean manner."This juice is great too!" Dakgu pitched in and said after letting out a satisfied sigh. The orc blood fruit juice and wine were exhausting to drink after the umpteenth time.While the orcs enjoyed the food and drink from exotic fruits, the surviving lizardmen sat by the docks and told stories of their survival."You know, I was lucky" One such lizardman started. The listeners perked their ears hoping to not miss a single detail and this proved to be a good idea on their part. They were left in awe!...That was mainly because the lizardman didn't miss the chance to embellish a single detail. They especially made sure to not downplay the efforts of Dakgu and Var Agus who were at the forefront of the battle."I couldn't move! I couldn't move! I thought I was dead. That we were all dead!" The lizardman said causing the listeners to be left in suspense. How could they survive this!? Didn't it seem impossible?But their question was quickly answered."God's mighty steed roared as it pulled the ship out of the electrifying water with sheer strength. Its gigantic wings brought the ship and therefore us further and further into the sky almost effortlessly!" Their reason for living was revealed and the lizardmen continued to listen in hoping to see how the main issue was then resolved."God's envoy, they were crucial for avenging our fallen brothers" The lizardmen said before introducing the brave and gallant Dakgu's final mighty deed."And then bam! Like lightning, he destroyed the" The story reached its climax and it was followed by audible gasps of surprise and even some words of adulation. That was because they had all been shocked by the amazing resolution."Yes It was a sight to behold It's too bad that some present didn't get to see it..." The lizardman finally added their words drenched in sorrow.The festive occasion would be dubbed as the day of blood in commemoration of those whose blood was lost that day. The festivity didn't sound very joyous with such a name but that was because it wasn't... Following the exorbitant eating and the sharing of drinks in the wet docks of the marshlands, everyone was left with emptiness come morning.It was mourning.Now that things could go back to normal the lizardmen were made keenly aware of those that were missing and they had to come to terms with the fact that they wouldn't return.That was why what they felt was mourning. Their population had taken a serious hit and it was impossible to not notice the empty houses and silent docks.Var Agus was the one most affected by this. He felt a great sense of inadequacy after being confronted with the number of lives lost."If only I had the will and ability" If he followed their God's first plan the blood clot would have died in a single strike. It would have been a swift end unbefitting of the cruel beast yet... Someone else took the spotlight. The highlight of the battle that could have been his own was stolen from him due to his inability.Var Agus clearly suffered from a horrible mental illness.Self-doubt and loathing.Var Agus felt depressed but he hated that he did because this depression felt unjustified. The emotions in Var's mind were turbid despite his best efforts."Why" Hadn't he already overcome this illness? Hadn't he already resolved himself to push forward with the help of their god? Yet, there was deep seethed frustration that Var couldn't get himself rid of.Var Agus was a hero in the eyes of the lizardmen but he wasn't feeling heroic. The fact that all the lizardmen saw him as such, not just those in his tribe, was a good thing. But Var Agus couldn't be happy knowing this goal he was working towards was built atop a mountain of needless sacrifices.But fortunately, the post-action blues that Var Agus was suffering from had a cure."Var, what are you thinking about?" Yoashk asked approaching Var from behind. They were both standing on the dock next to the village's chief hut."Useless things" Var Agus said hiding his frustration.Yoashk raised an eye thanks to this response and let out a sigh."Var, you are the leader of the tribe and that means that the people depend on you" This time it wasn't Yoashk who spoke but A."Similarly, as a leader, you need to rely on your people" For a leader was not a leader without a group, and if they insisted otherwise they were delusional.Var Agus savored these words, they tasted bitter. Could they really apply to his situation? It wasn't that simple, right?"...I don't understand" Var Agus decided to come clean."How can that help?" What did relying on his people have to do with his state of mind?"That's because when you realize that your people are an extension of your strength, you can't compare yourself anymore" Why did Dakgu do what he did? Was it not because he was instructed to do so? Could he have utilized his strength that way if Ed did not provide him with advice?Obviously not. Everyone would have died."As a leader, you need to give your subordinates strength" The strength of wisdom and strategy would never fall lesser to raw power, they were at least always equal in might.A could be said to be leading by example in this situation but his words did not resolve the cloudy emotions in Var Agus' mind. He couldn't connect the two matters at all.There was thus a moment of prolonged silence."You complete them, you need to think of yourself as part of a whole" While not all of Var Agus' thoughts and plans ended up working, it could be said that he did the best he could with the information he was provided.Var Agus finally seemed to understand something. The reason why he felt so empty It was because he was unwilling to accept his faults.Yes, he didn't have to have the fighting capability of Dakgu. He didn't need raw power to become a capable leader. But did accepting his faults mean accepting the sacrifices?"You planned to die there, but you fought and lived. You already surpassed expectations" Everyone who stayed behind to fight the beast did so without a plan. There was no concrete plan other than hope for the best and follow the will of God!Var Agus and the others had gone in with zero expectation of returning alive, they had indeed exceeded expectations. This was the good outcome, not the bad one."It might not be the best outcome, but you are right. This is the outcome they fought for" Var Agus said finally letting go of his turbid emotions. He had no doubts that these dark emotions would return, and while Var Agus didn't know when they would return, he felt more prepared now."Yoashk" Var Agus suddenly called out."Huh? Ah, yes?" Yoashk asked confused."Let's get to work" The festivities were over and it was time to get the marshlands back on track. With the addition of the orcs, there was a lot to prepare for."We need to take advantage of our visitors" The magic of Sharog and Dakgu were interesting tools that if they managed to grab a hold of would increase the strength of the race as a whole.Var Agus could tell that as things stood the lizardmen might not be able to beat both Dakgu and Sharog. If they had a magician lizardman in their race, however it was easy to foresee their side as the victor considering the lizardmen's strong racial features."How are we going to do that?" Yoashk asked confused again."A cultural exchange" Var Agus responded before finally moving from his position and starting to work his way towards his chiefly tent.The lizardmen had a lot to learn from the orcs and it wasn't impossible for the other way around to also be true. Of course, since Ed had helped the orcs tremendously the lizardmen were actually behind in terms of technology.Still, Var Agus believed there had to be something the lizardmen could teach the orcs to have both sides benefit from exchanging their culture.It just so happened that Sharog shared the same thoughts. Given that the flora and fauna of the marshlands were so rich Sharog needed to talk to Var Agus and speak about some sort of cooperation between both races.If talks were successful new products and jobs would enter Sanctuary.
