Yes.
It was, indeed, a very big hole.
I stared, wide-eyed, at the destruction that a single mailbox had wrought to a significant section of the building.
True, it was no great loss. The design was uninspired and the paintwork dire.
But it was still a building …
And I'd just levelled a part of it!
My [Spring Breeze] could be used to assail walls with mailboxes!
The realisation did nothing but elicit feelings of horror in me.
I stared with my mouth wide open, then coughed as I waved away some of the dust with my sword.
To … To think that my delicate gardening technique could be used to cause such devastation! A mailbox was significantly heavier than a beetle, fire breathing or common garden variety! And I'd just sent it hurtling through a wall!
A wall which was now entirely rubble!
C … Clearly, the wall had been severely lacking in structural integrity to be blown down by a mailbox! Yet even so, mere contact with a mailbox propelled by my gardening technique shouldn't cause it to tear down so violently, should it?! Had construction standards truly festered so much over the years?!
No, no, no … dilapidated or not, this wasn't the slums of the docks district, where shacks were raised on whatever flotsam and jetsam rolled up on the shoreline.
This was the merchant's quarter! A pale cry from the noble district where the embassies and the most famed artisans lived, true. But it met a standard that was within reach of the common classes!
This … This was dangerous.
Using my [Spring Breeze] carelessly could result in a housing crisis! If a peasant saw me easily hurling a mailbox through a wall, then that would be it! Why would they ever opt to raise themselves from hardship and poverty if they thought their years of toil wouldn't even result in a house with a functional exterior?
Because the alternative, that I could launch postal infrastructure through walls using my favoured anti-caterpillar technique was absurd!
Absurd and … somewhat useful … ?
… Why, if I knew I could use it to lift more than insects, I would also have used it to lift away the badgers and the hedgehogs invading my garden too! If I could propel mailboxes, then didn't it stand to reason that I could also propel similarly sized creatures, too?
Could … Could it be that I'd unexpectedly developed a highly multi-purpose pest and rodent remover?
Rather, how far did my innovative gardening techniques stretch? I'd never needed to use [Spring Breeze] on anything greater than the death beetles before! Would I be able to do away with the colony of shrews digging holes in my orchard? What was the largest garden mammal I could feasibly evict?
Perhaps … Perhaps I could even shoo away emaciated peasants?!
The … The functionality was even greater than I intended!
I ...
I was a genius!
“Oh … ohoho … C-Coppelia!”
“Mmh?”
“Could … Could it be that my finely honed gardening technique is actually rather powerful?! There weren't even any death beetles this time! And the mailbox most definitely didn't explode!”
My future handmaiden said nothing.
She instead pointed at the hole in the wall, all the while wearing the expression of my mathematics tutor after I'd solved an equation I began two weeks ago. Undoubtedly, she was as stunned as I was at my own brilliance.
It was all the agreement I needed to hear.
I began laughing.
“Oho … ohoho … ohohohoho! A-Amazing! My [Spring Breeze] can also be utilised to frighten away grey squirrels as well as break down barriers with mailboxes! N-Naturally, this was always a built-in functionality! Why, with such a power, I can ensure that no tasteless pranks await me behind closed doors!”
It … It was true!
As long as I carried postal infrastructure with me wherever I went, it meant I no longer needed to make sure to see if Roland was hiding behind a door to frighten me!
I could simply launch the door, and him along with it!
Indeed … perhaps there were some useful applications to this not wholly concerned with gardening?
No, no, no, wait … this was absolutely not intended! Never in the countless hours of perfecting the ultimate caterpillar removal tool did I consider utilising it for more than its intended purpose!
Frankly, it was a bit barbarous … but then again, I was a genius!
And what was the hallmark of a genius, if not the continual invention of innovative new methods at destroying things?!
Oho … ohoho … ohohoho! Such a discovery was cause for boundless self-praise!
… But first, I had a task to see to!
Thoroughly satisfied at my evening so far, I stepped through the rubble of poor quality material and peered around the interior of … whatever this was.
Wardrobes, chairs, a bed and other furnishings lay tossed and turned throughout the room. Strangely, they all appeared to be covered in vines of some description. And then I noticed the floor.
Or rather, the lack of it.
There was grass everywhere. And flowers blooming with a radiant light. Whatever unkempt garden I had thought was growing outside compared little to the jungle of exotic bulbs and twisting leaves that made up the ground.
There was also rubble. Lots and lots of it.
I stepped past the mound of bricks that was previously the wall, then flicked away the copious amounts of dust with Starlight Grace.
Where was the dryad?
It was difficult to ascertain where it was from the other side of the wall. But it sounded close. In which case, the dryad should shortly make contact.
I needed to be prepared.
As I considered which of my many dignified expressions I'd overpower the monster with, I felt a poke from behind.
“See! I told you there'd be furniture overturning~”
Ugh.
Actively sabotaged by my own future handmaiden.
If it wasn't her overly cheerful demeanour in the face of destruction, it was the way she prodded me like some children's toy.
To my chagrin, it was difficult to ignore all the furniture that had clearly been relocated. Up close, the result of the projectile mailbox was even more shocking to witness.
Why, even the bed was lodged into the opposing wall!
“I … I assure you that overturning furniture was not my intention. [Spring Breeze] was never designed to hurl objects greater than garden critters … R-Refinements will need to be made if I'm to further utilise it from now on ...”
Indeed, it was a disgraceful way to use such a delicate gardening technique. But if necessity demanded, then it was undeniably useful to know that launching mailboxes at obstacles was an option to Coppelia punching them.
The girl in question nodded, then pointed at the mound of rubble she'd stepped on.
“Does that mean breaking more walls? … Because if so, I can't wait!”
“I am not breaking more walls,” I said, as I formulated an excuse for why I'd just broken this one. “And … And if I do, it's only because corruption has clearly depleted standards in the construction industry. In which case, it's practically a safety requirement to tear down any that don't make the grade. Living in accommodation with dangerous foundations is a clear health hazard.”
Oh … ohohoho! That's right! This wasn't an example of wanton destruction of private property!
If anyone asked why I thought it was necessary to destroy so much of any house, then I could simply answer that I was ensuring that building codes were up to specification!
“Exactly! So you'll do it again?”
It deeply concerned me that I was already not immediately declining.
“I … well, I'll have to consider it on a case-by-case basis … and the cost to the postal infrastructure if I keep using mailboxes is also … yes, suffice to say, I'd much prefer to only use [Spring Breeze] for its intended purpose. Frankly, it feels like total impiety to launch mailboxes instead of insects, no matter the cause.”
“Want to go back to using man eating fire breathing death beetles instead?”
“If I wished to level an entire building, then, why, yes.”
Coppelia giggled as she peeked her head past me. There was something alarming about the way she wore the smile of a girl who just discovered fire for the first time.
“By the way, it looks like somebody died.”
And thus, she casually pointed to the corner.
I turned my head and saw, to my horror, a young woman in a maid uniform who was either very deceased or very comatose.
She was lying with her back to the wall, her eyes shorn of all colour as she stared endlessly into the ground, her expression fixed into one of deep confusion.
I turned to Coppelia.
“That was not me.”
“My witness testimony can be bought.”
“She's clearly not in the path of the open wall. Neither the mailbox, nor any of the fatally heavy furniture struck her. Not to mention, she was found in the grove of a dryad who was already responsible for at least two murders. The perpetrator for this is clear.”
“And yet that can all change if I, Coppelia, primary witness at the scene of the crime, misremember a few key names and details. Fortunately, my morals are fleeting and my coin purse is empty.”
“My, that's quite the divergence. Perhaps your memory core should be tinkered with if you misremember yourself to be a witness and not an accomplice? Who put that mailbox in front of the wall?”
“That mailbox was always there.”
“There's a hole in the grass where you pulled it out.”
“That hole was always there, too.”
Coppelia beamed wholeheartedly. I sighed and tightly closed my eyes.
Sadly, there was only so much time wasting I could entertain before the pertinent question needed to be asked.
“Ugh. Very well. Which one of us is going to examine the probably dead maid?”
“I propose a rule,” said my unhelpful accomplice, raising a hand. “You can look at all the dead humans. I'll look at the clockwork dolls.”
“I'm not even going to humour you with an answer.”
“Bet you will~”
“Because it's ridiculous. How many clockwork dolls are there in the Kingdom of Tirea?”
“At least three.”
An actual answer caught me off-guard. I looked quizzically at her.
“Three? … All from the same library?”
“Two's from the library. The third … eh, she's special.”
“And you're all searching for the same book?”
“No, only I'm tasked with returning Miss Pyromaniac's book. Those two have other duties.”
I waited for the explanation that never came.
After a few moments, I resigned myself with the knowledge that whatever these oddballs from Ouzelia were up to, every soul in the kingdom would sleep happier not knowing.
“Yes, well … so long as you respect the local laws ...”
“I would never break the law. I hold all five of them in the highest regards.”
“There are more than five laws, Coppelia.”
She raised a hand, then started counting them down.
After what appeared to be considerable effort on her part, she finally raised another hand and counted a pinky finger.
“You're right,” she said. “I almost forgot that one.”
I thought very, very hard about whether or not to ask.
“Which … Which is the law you just remembered?”
“The one about it being illegal to fall on a cow while drunk.”
I considered saying something.
Instead, I turned my attention to the probably dead maid. This was easier to deal with.
Still with my sword aloft, I gingerly stepped across the debris of wall and furnishings and made my way to the maid. There was no reaction from her, other than to continue staring gormlessly into the ground.
However—
“She's drooling.”
There was no doubt about it.
It was a sight embarrassing enough to leave a permanent scar in my memory if I was found in such a state.
Running down the edge of her lips, a line of drool was indicative that she was probably more comatose than dead.
I leaned in closer to find out.
And promptly poked her face.
Yes, this was indeed the extent of my medical knowledge. And yet it was all that I needed. For in my fingertip was the gift of life. A princess's touch as soft as an angel's smile wreathed in heavenly light. A poke from a soul whose saintly virtues and purity of spirit could raise even the most unconscious from the dark.
“Uuhhh … ughhh … uhhn ...”
The maid stirred, her face turning away from me as I repeatedly gave her the poke of life. I smiled in satisfaction.
“Coppelia”.
“Yes?”
“I think I'm amazing.”
“Mmh. I know.”
Yes.
It was, indeed, a very big hole.
I stared, wide-eyed, at the destruction that a single mailbox had wrought to a significant section of the building.
True, it was no great loss. The design was uninspired and the paintwork dire.
But it was still a building …
And I'd just levelled a part of it!
My [Spring Breeze] could be used to assail walls with mailboxes!
The realisation did nothing but elicit feelings of horror in me.
I stared with my mouth wide open, then coughed as I waved away some of the dust with my sword.
To … To think that my delicate gardening technique could be used to cause such devastation! A mailbox was significantly heavier than a beetle, fire breathing or common garden variety! And I'd just sent it hurtling through a wall!
A wall which was now entirely rubble!
C … Clearly, the wall had been severely lacking in structural integrity to be blown down by a mailbox! Yet even so, mere contact with a mailbox propelled by my gardening technique shouldn't cause it to tear down so violently, should it?! Had construction standards truly festered so much over the years?!
No, no, no … dilapidated or not, this wasn't the slums of the docks district, where shacks were raised on whatever flotsam and jetsam rolled up on the shoreline.
This was the merchant's quarter! A pale cry from the noble district where the embassies and the most famed artisans lived, true. But it met a standard that was within reach of the common classes!
This … This was dangerous.
Using my [Spring Breeze] carelessly could result in a housing crisis! If a peasant saw me easily hurling a mailbox through a wall, then that would be it! Why would they ever opt to raise themselves from hardship and poverty if they thought their years of toil wouldn't even result in a house with a functional exterior?
Because the alternative, that I could launch postal infrastructure through walls using my favoured anti-caterpillar technique was absurd!
Absurd and … somewhat useful … ?
… Why, if I knew I could use it to lift more than insects, I would also have used it to lift away the badgers and the hedgehogs invading my garden too! If I could propel mailboxes, then didn't it stand to reason that I could also propel similarly sized creatures, too?
Could … Could it be that I'd unexpectedly developed a highly multi-purpose pest and rodent remover?
Rather, how far did my innovative gardening techniques stretch? I'd never needed to use [Spring Breeze] on anything greater than the death beetles before! Would I be able to do away with the colony of shrews digging holes in my orchard? What was the largest garden mammal I could feasibly evict?
Perhaps … Perhaps I could even shoo away emaciated peasants?!
The … The functionality was even greater than I intended!
I ...
I was a genius!
“Oh … ohoho … C-Coppelia!”
“Mmh?”
“Could … Could it be that my finely honed gardening technique is actually rather powerful?! There weren't even any death beetles this time! And the mailbox most definitely didn't explode!”
My future handmaiden said nothing.
She instead pointed at the hole in the wall, all the while wearing the expression of my mathematics tutor after I'd solved an equation I began two weeks ago. Undoubtedly, she was as stunned as I was at my own brilliance.
It was all the agreement I needed to hear.
I began laughing.
“Oho … ohoho … ohohohoho! A-Amazing! My [Spring Breeze] can also be utilised to frighten away grey squirrels as well as break down barriers with mailboxes! N-Naturally, this was always a built-in functionality! Why, with such a power, I can ensure that no tasteless pranks await me behind closed doors!”
It … It was true!
As long as I carried postal infrastructure with me wherever I went, it meant I no longer needed to make sure to see if Roland was hiding behind a door to frighten me!
I could simply launch the door, and him along with it!
Indeed … perhaps there were some useful applications to this not wholly concerned with gardening?
No, no, no, wait … this was absolutely not intended! Never in the countless hours of perfecting the ultimate caterpillar removal tool did I consider utilising it for more than its intended purpose!
Frankly, it was a bit barbarous … but then again, I was a genius!
And what was the hallmark of a genius, if not the continual invention of innovative new methods at destroying things?!
Oho … ohoho … ohohoho! Such a discovery was cause for boundless self-praise!
… But first, I had a task to see to!
Thoroughly satisfied at my evening so far, I stepped through the rubble of poor quality material and peered around the interior of … whatever this was.
Wardrobes, chairs, a bed and other furnishings lay tossed and turned throughout the room. Strangely, they all appeared to be covered in vines of some description. And then I noticed the floor.
Or rather, the lack of it.
There was grass everywhere. And flowers blooming with a radiant light. Whatever unkempt garden I had thought was growing outside compared little to the jungle of exotic bulbs and twisting leaves that made up the ground.
There was also rubble. Lots and lots of it.
I stepped past the mound of bricks that was previously the wall, then flicked away the copious amounts of dust with Starlight Grace.
Where was the dryad?
It was difficult to ascertain where it was from the other side of the wall. But it sounded close. In which case, the dryad should shortly make contact.
I needed to be prepared.
As I considered which of my many dignified expressions I'd overpower the monster with, I felt a poke from behind.
“See! I told you there'd be furniture overturning~”
Ugh.
Actively sabotaged by my own future handmaiden.
If it wasn't her overly cheerful demeanour in the face of destruction, it was the way she prodded me like some children's toy.
To my chagrin, it was difficult to ignore all the furniture that had clearly been relocated. Up close, the result of the projectile mailbox was even more shocking to witness.
Why, even the bed was lodged into the opposing wall!
“I … I assure you that overturning furniture was not my intention. [Spring Breeze] was never designed to hurl objects greater than garden critters … R-Refinements will need to be made if I'm to further utilise it from now on ...”
Indeed, it was a disgraceful way to use such a delicate gardening technique. But if necessity demanded, then it was undeniably useful to know that launching mailboxes at obstacles was an option to Coppelia punching them.
The girl in question nodded, then pointed at the mound of rubble she'd stepped on.
“Does that mean breaking more walls? … Because if so, I can't wait!”
“I am not breaking more walls,” I said, as I formulated an excuse for why I'd just broken this one. “And … And if I do, it's only because corruption has clearly depleted standards in the construction industry. In which case, it's practically a safety requirement to tear down any that don't make the grade. Living in accommodation with dangerous foundations is a clear health hazard.”
Oh … ohohoho! That's right! This wasn't an example of wanton destruction of private property!
If anyone asked why I thought it was necessary to destroy so much of any house, then I could simply answer that I was ensuring that building codes were up to specification!
“Exactly! So you'll do it again?”
It deeply concerned me that I was already not immediately declining.
“I … well, I'll have to consider it on a case-by-case basis … and the cost to the postal infrastructure if I keep using mailboxes is also … yes, suffice to say, I'd much prefer to only use [Spring Breeze] for its intended purpose. Frankly, it feels like total impiety to launch mailboxes instead of insects, no matter the cause.”
“Want to go back to using man eating fire breathing death beetles instead?”
“If I wished to level an entire building, then, why, yes.”
Coppelia giggled as she peeked her head past me. There was something alarming about the way she wore the smile of a girl who just discovered fire for the first time.
“By the way, it looks like somebody died.”
And thus, she casually pointed to the corner.
I turned my head and saw, to my horror, a young woman in a maid uniform who was either very deceased or very comatose.
She was lying with her back to the wall, her eyes shorn of all colour as she stared endlessly into the ground, her expression fixed into one of deep confusion.
I turned to Coppelia.
“That was not me.”
“My witness testimony can be bought.”
“She's clearly not in the path of the open wall. Neither the mailbox, nor any of the fatally heavy furniture struck her. Not to mention, she was found in the grove of a dryad who was already responsible for at least two murders. The perpetrator for this is clear.”
“And yet that can all change if I, Coppelia, primary witness at the scene of the crime, misremember a few key names and details. Fortunately, my morals are fleeting and my coin purse is empty.”
“My, that's quite the divergence. Perhaps your memory core should be tinkered with if you misremember yourself to be a witness and not an accomplice? Who put that mailbox in front of the wall?”
“That mailbox was always there.”
“There's a hole in the grass where you pulled it out.”
“That hole was always there, too.”
Coppelia beamed wholeheartedly. I sighed and tightly closed my eyes.
Sadly, there was only so much time wasting I could entertain before the pertinent question needed to be asked.
“Ugh. Very well. Which one of us is going to examine the probably dead maid?”
“I propose a rule,” said my unhelpful accomplice, raising a hand. “You can look at all the dead humans. I'll look at the clockwork dolls.”
“I'm not even going to humour you with an answer.”
“Bet you will~”
“Because it's ridiculous. How many clockwork dolls are there in the Kingdom of Tirea?”
“At least three.”
An actual answer caught me off-guard. I looked quizzically at her.
“Three? … All from the same library?”
“Two's from the library. The third … eh, she's special.”
“And you're all searching for the same book?”
“No, only I'm tasked with returning Miss Pyromaniac's book. Those two have other duties.”
I waited for the explanation that never came.
After a few moments, I resigned myself with the knowledge that whatever these oddballs from Ouzelia were up to, every soul in the kingdom would sleep happier not knowing.
“Yes, well … so long as you respect the local laws ...”
“I would never break the law. I hold all five of them in the highest regards.”
“There are more than five laws, Coppelia.”
She raised a hand, then started counting them down.
After what appeared to be considerable effort on her part, she finally raised another hand and counted a pinky finger.
“You're right,” she said. “I almost forgot that one.”
I thought very, very hard about whether or not to ask.
“Which … Which is the law you just remembered?”
“The one about it being illegal to fall on a cow while drunk.”
I considered saying something.
Instead, I turned my attention to the probably dead maid. This was easier to deal with.
Still with my sword aloft, I gingerly stepped across the debris of wall and furnishings and made my way to the maid. There was no reaction from her, other than to continue staring gormlessly into the ground.
However—
“She's drooling.”
There was no doubt about it.
It was a sight embarrassing enough to leave a permanent scar in my memory if I was found in such a state.
Running down the edge of her lips, a line of drool was indicative that she was probably more comatose than dead.
I leaned in closer to find out.
And promptly poked her face.
Yes, this was indeed the extent of my medical knowledge. And yet it was all that I needed. For in my fingertip was the gift of life. A princess's touch as soft as an angel's smile wreathed in heavenly light. A poke from a soul whose saintly virtues and purity of spirit could raise even the most unconscious from the dark.
“Uuhhh … ughhh … uhhn ...”
The maid stirred, her face turning away from me as I repeatedly gave her the poke of life. I smiled in satisfaction.
“Coppelia”.
“Yes?”
“I think I'm amazing.”
“Mmh. I know.”
